- Member Since 23rd Feb, 2013
- offline last seen Last Friday
TittySparkles
TittySparkles is pretty based, writes great porn that I can rub one off to on a weekly basis, and she has no problem telling societies leftie rejects to fuck off. - Anonymous
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Oh Rumble, you lucky bastard you...
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/505/444/560.jpg
Dam wingboner. Good job
2646922
That picture! YES.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Reads story
shame-full.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/jizz-in-my-pants-jewish-300x222.jpg
haha! I got mentioned!
Not bad. Not bad at all
wow i relly just creemed my pantes to this...
you durty clopers are fucking up my good mentality
i feel so damn durty...
i dont ebeen know if thats a bad thing
<like>
2647573
Can I ask why you read it in the first place if you don't like clop?
2647755
my ex-boyfriend made me start
and now i cant stop enjoying it
and now i dont know
ponys also got me in to bondege so you guys
are the sorce of all my problems
i owe you to much for that
2646922That is literally the funniest picture I've seen all week.
Somebody needs to make a gif of it.
Edit:
It's pretty good. Never been one for clop, but I'll like just for the sake of liking it.
2647784
I don't get it...
Are you happy that you're a clopper? or are you sad? Lemme tell ya right now, being a clopper isn't shameful, just keep it to yourself and you should be fine! 
2648084
but its so hard to find other cloppers in the real world!
and my ex dumped me becas i was to in to being a cloper...
so how do i find a clopper?
is there a dating site?
Your foalcons literally ALWAYS hit the featured box.
TEACH ME, OH WISE ONE!
2648110
If you want my skype, I can help you deal with your situation...
2646922
Imma save that picture.
2648199
no thay are watching me so i cant get on my comp at home
2648230
You got a deviantart? maybe we can exchange notes through there
2648241
no i cant relly do that on a school comp
lets just rp later
i alredy found a partner and im rping with him now
2648282
How do you RP on fimfiction?
2648295
thread or pm but hes teaching me to use googal docs
I swear, if one more author doesn't use the romance tag correctly...
Gut, sehr gut
Ok regardless if I like this story I have to admit this is one of the best titles I have ever seen.
Yours Truly thecakedevil
To hell I go :D
2648877
Keep the place warm for me. I hear Hell has free high speed WiFi and full room service.
2648324 This isn't romance, it's clop Also, foalcon. (sigh) Some people make me sick.
Have ever I said exactly how much I LOVEVinyl Scratch sex stories? No? Well, here it is: I LOVE Vinyl Scratch sex stories! AH!
2649053 Because apparently any fic with clop in it automatically gets a romance tag slapped on it.
And the motherfucking foalcon!
Okay, THIS shit is going in my riffing queue, on top of the other TittySparkles fic I'm riffing.
2649066 WHAT is cool about pedophilia with a children's cartoon? SERIOUSLY!
Typo in the description:
adults
2648324
It is due in part to the lack of an "erotica" tag. None of the available choices are a good fit for a pure clop story. Of course, if it did exist, you'd still see people messing up the tagging, but at least then it would actually be their fault
There were many tense changes, wrongly used words, and switched pronouns. The pacing and everything else seemed about right for a story of this type, the grammar just needs a fair bit of work.
While writing can always be improved, I enjoyed the fic quite well.
Altho, I'm not sure why rumble was described as being older, yet still without a cutie mark.
You CAN write it as foalcon you know lol.
fix dis pls
dis wun too
2649504
Bro. I see nothing wrong there.
2649745
he used having wrong, and as far as I know with the exception of applebloom foals only get one cutie mark, the way it was phrased implies they get more
the concept is rather unique and I must admit, very interesting. favorited!
Before I commented on this, I went and looked at some of your other stories. Apart from this, I've read "R and R" and "My Name Is Octavia," so I have a bit of a clearer understanding as to how you write. So with this knowledge, here's what I have to say about this particular story, and please keep in mind that this is all my opinion.
The editing has quite a few problems with it. There are quite a few varied errors, including mixing up peak and peek, but there are three errors I noticed cropping up more than usual, and you may want to know about them:
1. Tense changes.
You've done this in other stories as well, and it becomes confusing to read between the two.
2. Apostrophes.
I'm not sure if you're aware of the rule or not, but when something is possessing something else—in these cases, the colt's chin and Rumble's watery eyes—this needs to be indicated with an apostrophe before the s (unless the word is "its"; that needs no apostrophe to indicate possession, since "it's" means "it is").
3. Run-on sentences.
This sentence goes on and on, when it could've been stopped at "the room wasn't much," and then the next sentence could've begun describing it. With this one sentence, the description and the mention of the room not having much don't mesh well to create a single clear and significant meaning (at least in my opinion). There are a few of these, so perhaps watch out for those in the future.
There were other erroneous things, but those were the most pressing, and therefore the most worthy of note—at least as how I perceived it.
As for the story itself:
The pacing was not very good in the beginning. Whereas in "My Name Is Octavia," you have a slow buildup to mount the tension in order to create a shocking payoff, in this story, you have Vinyl decide then-and-there when she witnesses two ponies rutting that she wants to get laid, and (for me, at least) it just feels like it's coming out of the blue. She's a tease, and makes a deal about not giving it up for any stallion there, but just deciding she's going to do it without any prompt other than "I see ponies doing it, so I'm going to do it" doesn't feel natural.
It may just be me being a fool, or it may just be my opinion, but consider this:
1. Vinyl sees the couple rutting, and begins to feel the heat, but doesn't immediately commit to taking a colt for herself.
2. She bumps into the pony she saw in the corner, and figures out that he's a colt.
3. The dialogue between them about the fake ID ensues, and all the while Vinyl checks him out (so that the sexual tension she feels mounts).
4. She makes her proposition to not tell if he sticks around and "indulges" her in something.
5. When they separate after the teasing, then talk about how Vinyl doesn't take stallions because she likes the younger ponies. That way, we know what will transpire between them, and the excitement will be greater.
But that may be just me. It's just something to consider for the future.
Getting back to the pacing, nothing happens with Rumble while he's at the club. He snuck in to see what the night life was like, but then nothing happens. He doesn't dance with anypony, he doesn't imbibe in alcohol, he doesn't notice the ponies rutting, he doesn't try any drugs, he doesn't even hide in the corner. Nothing happens with him, making him a floating character, less of the "I'm young but I snuck in because I'm curious/cool and I wanna know what it's like to be among other adults at night" colt and more of the "I'm the character Vinyl will screw" character. Before they abscond to the staff's room, he's not interesting.
Even in the staff's room, the whole premise about experiencing night life is blown off relatively easily. The "wubs" aren't there in the atmosphere to create any sort of mood (but that's not really a big problem). The alcohol has no effect on Rumble; it doesn't make him drunk or anything, making me question why he drank it in the first place—although this is probably a small complaint as well, seeing as this could be a meant to be taken as humor, with a young pony not being able to handle it... although I still question why there isn't even a noticeable buzz.
I think the Viagra may've worked to the story's disadvantage. Rumble is a pony that's interested in mares' intimate parts, and has clopped before, so he didn't need to Viagra to become "excited". She did say that she didn't want him to run off... but... I don't know. It's the whole concept of experiencing the night life that's getting to me. It would seem that, if Vinyl really wanted to excite him, she would've had him try a different drug, like Ecstasy. He came to the club willingly, he's trying to impress this mare willingly, so why not have him relax a bit more? Maybe I'm making too much of a deal out of the whole Viagra thing, but I just don't think it was a good choice for incorporating the "drug" aspect of wild night life into the story.
But anyway, once we get to the sex, the story actually begins to become interesting. The variation between hoofjob, oral and vaginal sex was nice, and the dominant/submissive play between them was good. I think you characterized Rumble fine at this part, and I thought having him take control at the end was a choice that worked to the story's benefit and enjoyment. Ending it at washing up is questionable, but the "relationship" created between them is decent, I think.
The scenery is also a thing that sticks out. The shaking bass in the club, the dance floor crowded with ponies, the staff's room that has things strewn about, that's all told colorfully. That's something I've noticed you do good in your other stories as well; it's a thing you do nicely, methinks.
There's one last thing I'd like to talk about: the point of view. With Vinyl Scratch, you'd have a story about a pony that wants to toy with/have fun with/elucidate unto an innocent mind the adult world with Rumble. With Rumble, you'd have a story about a pony that tries to have fun or hide, and becomes enamored/involved with Vinyl Scratch the seductress. You attempt both, and while Vinyl Scratch's side provides entertainment, I feel like Rumble's side doesn't because he's not allowed to develop in the beginning. You try to have this super sexy side and this naive and timid side, but the seductress side feels much easier to connect with. If this were told from Vinyl's POV, that would've been fine. If you'd played around with Rumble more in the beginning, and talked about what he did there, the two-person POV would've been fine. As it is, Rumble's side feels lacking.
So, overall, the clop was good, and the scenery was nice, but the story lacked a lot of interest because the main part of it—where Rumble experiences the night life—is left out. It didn't feel truly immersed in the situation, and Rumble does nothing to really earn this. He doesn't experience a lot outside of sex, making him a dull character. When I got to the clop, it was good, and I felt that they played along well enough, but there isn't enough before that to make me feel like they're really interested in each other, or even that Vinyl is interested in Rumble. That's where the story loses me.
I don't know if it made sense, but that's my opinion. You are free to ignore any or all of it. I wish you the best of your talents with your next story.
Real clever name for the story ^_^
2650051 Comments like that are why I love you.
2650051
Yeah i noticed the tense changes after a few other people pointed them out and took care of those.
I'm actually happy you took a close look at the story and found some of the weaker points in it. The reason I kept Rumble's character weak was because I wanted to mainly focus on what Vinyl was seeing. I knew exactly where I could have gave him a larger character build but I decided against it.
I'm thankful you took the time to write your thoughts and opinions out to me.
2650088 I aim to
pleasebe informative, and give my opinion out as I see it.2650128
Okay, so methinks not going into Rumble's mind would've worked much better.
And to get some more positive in it, I thought "R and R" was a nice story from you.
You are most welcome. I wish you the best of your talents with your next story!
2649066 Oh dear. Oh my god you're riffing a TittySparkles fic?
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG~
Who cares
You set it up pretty well for a sequel.
But first off, work on your grammar.
2648907: "Keep Hell warm for me"? You DO realize what you just said, right?
2650725
Yes, yes I do
2649745
I see a lot wrong there:
"Going to having"
Resembles:
"Are you going to having your friends over for dinner?"
"Do you having any sense of proper sentence construction and/ or grammar usage?"
Have is the proper word to use.
I feel... strange.
2649053
Lol, you think this is foalcon?
Someone didn't pay attention.