Chapter 2
Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celesta slowly made their way down the twisted corridors deep within the underbelly of a secret palace in the frozen north.
“So, if I may ask Princess, why are we here?” The little Alicorn asked, “The letter you sent me, for one, was hoof delivered by one of Princess Luna’s guards in the middle of the night, and two, all that was said is that it is of the utmost importance that I meet you at the Crystal Palace.
Then, at the end of it, you told me to burn the letter after I read it! All I'm saying is it must be pretty important if we are going through these methods to cover our tracks.”
Princess Celestia stopped in front of a door and placed her hoof on the handle, she looked over to Twilight, bearing a serious expression.
“You’ll have to forgive me for being so secretive about this, Twilight,” Celestia said. “But what I am about to show you is perhaps one of the most well-kept and important secrets in all of Equestria.”
With that said, Princess Celestia opened the door to revel an enormous room filled with an array of massive machines with beeping lights which shot out streams upon streams of data that was collected by what seemed to be about a dozen ponies in white lab coats.
One of the scientists took notice of the two and trotted over.
“Welcome, your majesties, I am Professor Shines Brightly,” the elderly unicorn bowed his head. “Thank you both for coming on such short notice, but the team and I thought that it was imperative that this be seen with your own eyes. This way please.”
The unicorn led the two Princesses over to a small pedestal surrounded by a protective aura and yellow hazard tape with a red shroud that covered whatever lay on the beam.
Shines Brightly dispelled the barrier and cleared away the tape. “Out of all the things we have seen the N.T. produce, this is by far the most disturbing we have ever received. Since the both of you have the most experience dealing with such matters, we thought it best to get your opinions on the matter.”
As he finished, the unicorn's horn illuminated in a bright green glow, as this happened, the cloth itself enveloped in the same color aura, and dropped to the floor. Directly in the center of the pedestal lay a dark crystal shard.
The two figures stared at the crystal in sheer horror. Celestia was the first to break the silence, as she gave a long sigh.
“I was afraid this would happen, and you're sure, without any shadow of a doubt?”
“Yes your Majesty, there's no mistaking it, this shard came from the other side.”
“Alright, that's it!” Twilight announced.“Would somepony please tell me what's going on!? Who are you ponies, what's an 'N.T',and why in the hay is one of King Sombra’s dark crystals here!?”
Twilight shrank down as she realized all eyes had been placed on her.
Celestia looked over to Shines Brightly and gave a dismissive nod before she turned her attention back to Twilight. “Please, forgive me Twilight, you have all the right in the world to be upset. I know this is quite a lot to take in, so I shall start from the beginning."
Celestia gestured for Twilight to follow her into the conjoining room. “Shortly after the disappearance of the Crystal Empire. It was believed by some ponies that it had merely been teleported to an unknown location still within the frozen north. We still don’t know if that was the case or not, no pony ever did find the answer. But on one expedition, led by a brave Earth pony named Wild Runner, we found this.”
Princess Celestia stopped and placed a hoof on Twilight’s chest, stopping the mare in place.
Twilight looked down and gasped in shock as she found she had been mere steps away from falling into a large pit.
“We call it the Northern Tear or N.T. for short, and it is believed to be a portal into another world.”
“Um, Princess, this just looks like a normal pit. Granted a very large, deep ,dark, and scary pit, a pit nonetheless.” Twilight said as she nudged a nearby pebble over the ledge and into the pit.
Celestia raised her hoof as if to say something, but stopped as she saw the pebble drop.
“You may regret that,” Celestia said.
“Regret wha-OW!” Twilight was interrupted by the same pebble coming back to hit her in the jaw.
Twilight rubbed the red mark where the pebble had struck her, “What just happened?”
Celestia merely smiled and shook her head, “What you just experienced was a repellent produced by the N.T. Guardians.” Celestia gestured to four regal unicorns adorned in silver armor placed strategically around the pit.
“Until the N.T. was discovered, there was nothing stopping anything from crossing from this world to the next. We still aren’t sure who, or what, are from this world, and we may never know. But thanks to the Guardians, and a select few scientists on hoof, we are able to regulate and study what goes in and out of it of the N.T.
“If anything were to come from the other side, the magic produced by the Guardians would keep it in a suspended state so the other ponies could have a chance to scan it and deem it safe or unsafe. If the item is deemed dangerous it is sent right back where it came, but if it is deemed safe then it is brought through to the other side for further studies.
“The N.T. has produced a vast array of wonderful things; some of the better of these have actually advanced our technologies by hundreds of years.”
Twilight stood there with her mouth agape as she processed all the information.
“But Princess,” Twilight said. “That still doesn't explain why we're here, or why there's a dark crystal?”
“I believe I can take it from here, your, Majesty”, both Princesses turned around to see Shines Brightly standing behind them. "On the day that Princess Cadance had used the power of the Crystal Heart against King Sombra, it was believed that we had very well seen the last of him.” Shines Brightly said, as the grey unicorn looked over the edge and into the N.T.
“Well, it sure looked that way,” Twilight said. “I mean, everypony saw him enveloped by the blast and, when it had cleared, he was gone.”
“That being the key word, Princess Twilight. Gone, yes, but not destroyed.” Shines Brightly paused and gave a deep sigh. "The day of Sombra's second fall, on what we presume to be the exact instant he was defeated, there was a massive force that attacked the magical barrier of the N.T. By the time anypony could react it had overwhelmed the Guardians, breached the barrier, and leaked through to the other side.
“It was not until a few weeks ago that we were able to obtain the Dark Crystal shard you see before you from one of four of the native inhabitants that had come in from the other side. This Dark Crystal proves, that without a doubt, King Sombra survived the blast and has been regaining his strength on the other side for the past few months.
"This is where you come into play, Twilight.” As Celestia spoke she bent her head over to become eye level with Twilight. “If this is the case then you are the only one strong enough in all of Equestria to find and be rid of his corruption once and for all.”
Twilight turned to Princess Celestia with a salute and a look of pure determination. “You can count on me, Princess,” Twilight said.
Princess Celestia smiled. “I knew I could; now, there are a few things you need to know before embarking on this journey. First. Stealth is highly advised. The local Inhabitants are known for being highly unpredictable. As such, you should endeavor to avoid them at all cost. You should be able to recognize them quite quickly; they walk on two legs, are completely fur-less except for their head, and are most always covered in clothing. Second, if King Sombra really has been there all this time, by now he has nearly seven days until he has regained his strength at which point he will become unstoppable. For that reason you have within that time period to find and stop him.”
Twilight nodded. “Understood Princess, is there anything else?”
Celestia gave the young Alicorn an awkward smile. “Well, due to the circumstances of this problem, we thought it best that somepony familiar with dark magic come along with you on your mission.”
Twilight quirked her brow and rubbed under her chin “And who, might I ask, would that-”
“OW!” Twilight exclaimed, as she felt a sharp pain on her head, followed by the sound of something hitting the floor. She looked down to find the same pebble that had attacked her earlier, laying before her hooves. “How in the-”
Twilight was quickly cut off, as the pebble gave her a raspberry. Twilight jumped back as the pebble began to levitate and shake violently. Suddenly, the pebble exploded into a flash of bright light, and in its place stood the Spirit of Chaos himself, Discord.
“Twilight Sparkle, my favorite little book worm!” He said with a big goofy grin, as he picked her up and promptly noogied the mare. “It’s been quite some time now, hasn't it and what have we here?” Discord dropped her to the ground, dashed behind Twilight ,and began lightly examining her wings. "Who would have thought that all it takes these days to become royalty are wings and a horn. If that's the case, Tia, then I believe we should start discussing my new kingdom, preferably somewhere in the tropics next to a huge Volcano where I can fill it with Hot chocolate and-”
“Discord!?” Twilight wailed. “You're sending me to another world with Discord!? Why, of all ponies, are you sending me with him?! Last time I checked, he’s still the spirit of chaos! Not to mention he was the one who plunged the world into chaos, twice!”
“Now, Twilight, when you say it like that, you make it sound like a bad thing,” Discord crossed his arms with and frowned. “I'll have you know that, since my reformation, my powers have been used for the better of ponykind.”
Celestia nodded “It’s true, since Discords release he’s done nothing but help the ponies of Equestria. Be it in his own special way. We feel that Discord is ready to take on higher tasks for the kingdom.”
“Oh I know you'll just love it on the other side! I'll show you all my favorite spots!” Discord said as he wrapped his lion paw around Twilight’s neck.
“Wait, hold on. Are you saying that you've been there before?!”Twilight asked.
“You got it,” Discord said. “Since my release, I've been going back and forth as much as my little heart desires. Even before I was turned to stone, I use to pop in and out for a visit. Oh, the locals were so easy to fool back then, they even gave me a little nick name, Coyote, I believe it was."
It was at this time that Princess Celestia felt the need to step in (as she noticed a slight twitch in the corner of Twilights' eye).
“Due to Discords prior experience in the other world, and its inhabitants, he might be able to provide crucial knowledge on what you are going to face.” Celestia then bent down and whispered into Twilights ear. “Plus, I think it would be a good idea to get him out of the castle. Luna can't handle much more of his pranks and I'm a little worried for his safety.”
Meanwhile, in Canterlot…
Princess Luna (unable to sleep) wandered groggily into the royal kitchen in search of a midday snack. She grumpily opened the fridge and-
BOOOOM!
The entire contents of the fridge had exploded outward and into the kitchen, covering the area with in a coat of food which had combined to form an inedible and unrecognizable super glop, and standing right in the middle of the blast was Princess Luna.
Her mouth was agape and her eyes widened with disgust and rage.
The fridge then spat out a small puff of confetti and a small Discord cutout with a speech bubble that read:
“I hope you love my parting gift as much as I loved putting it together, Bon voyage, Loony. P.S. Bwahahahahaha.”
Steam rose out of the blue mare's ears as a fire raged in her eyes. Spreading her wings, the food that had enveloped her was slowly being melted off, revealing that her blue coat had become a deep, cataclysmic red.
“WHERE IS HE?!”
A loud, heart stopping scream could be heard deep within the castle walls, causing everypony to cringed in fear. Discord puffed his cheeks and covered his mouth in an attempt to hold back his laughter.
“Well that's my cue, arriverderci ponies!” Discord said, and snapped his claws together.
Instantly, he was wearing a floral print shirt, some leis draped around his neck, a set of red sunglasses and a straw hat. He gave his farewell before diving head first into the N.T.
Twilight watched the creature keep perfect form as he disappeared into the darkness behind a sudden flash. Twilight then sunk her head down to the ground.
“Princess Celestia-“
“Twilight," Celestia interjected. "I know this is a lot to take in within such a short amount of time, but fear, not my little pony. There is not a pony alive that I believe in more than you, Twilight Sparkle. ” Celestia gently nuzzled under her chin, causing Twilight to look upward, a small smile rested on her face.
“Thank you, Princess, I won't let you down!” Twilight said.
“I know you won't, good luck Twilight. The fate of two worlds rest in the hooves and claws of both of you.”
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the sounds of crashing coming closer accompanied by a rage filled voice, growing in volume as the sounds of crashing came closer.
“Where is he?!"
"Where is he?!"
"WHERE IS HE?!”
Twilight quickly jumped into the hole, having a greater fear of what was coming rather than what was on the other side.
She looked up to see the light from the surface become smaller and smaller until it had completely vanished and she was surrounded by complete darkness. As she fell, she felt a tingling sensation suddenly shoot up her body, and she noticed her mane blowing in the opposite direction. “That must be the magical barrier” she thought to herself. Suddenly she realized she was being pushed forward towards a bright light. She came closer and closer and closer until finally she was shot out and upwards.
Twilight tried to open her wings to slow the fall but it was too late. The young Alicorn fell to the ground head first into something hard.
As the mare slipped out of consciousness, she took note of a sign that was placed near to her.
“Bottomless pit,” she murmured, before everything went black.
Twilight slowly opened her eyes to a glaring sun. She sat up in a fright. Looking around frantically, she realized that what had happened wasn't a dream. She was in a dangerous new world hunting, an evil so great that even Princess Celestia and Princess Luna couldn't handle it, and her only companion through this was the Spirit of Chaos.
“Hey, where is he anyway?” She asked herself.
“Well, it’s about time you got up! I was starting to think that bump on the head gave you brain damage or something. Although maybe a knock on the head is what you need to lighten up a little! ”
Twilight looked up to find Discord resting on a pink cloud and looking down at her with an enthusiastic grin.
She ignored the comment and continued massaging the bump on her head with her hoof. “How long was I out?”
“Oh, a couple hours, you didn't even flinch when I applied your lovely new facial accessory.”
“What are you-” Twilight put her hoof to her face only to realize that she had inexplicably sprouted a healthy goatee on her muzzle.
“Discord!” she wailed as the trickster cackled with sheer delight.
Twilight gave an annoyed sigh as she conjured up a razor to dispose of the newly formed facial hair.
“Alright," she said to herself. "So we officially have seven days to locate and take out King Sombra before he gains enough power to come back and enslave all of pony kind. All while hiding from the locals and trying to keep Discord under control. Great, Twilight, a real fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into this time,”
Discord dismounted his cloud, wrapped himself around Twilight ,and gave her a crooked smile as he locked eyes with her.
“Aaaalllrighty, then, dear Twilight, welcome to the new world!” Discord announced. “Since this is your first time being here, I believe it is in your best interest if you get to know the environment. To do that, we’re going to play a little game.” He raised his claw and snapped his fingers together, with that he disappeared leaving behind a confused and very annoyed Twilight.
“Discord, where in the hay did you go?” Twilight groaned.
“Now, Twilight,"Discord's voice echoed. "It’s just a simple game of hide and seek, I’m hiding nearby disguised as the most out of place object in the forest. Just find me and the game will be over.”
Twilight stood up and began looking frantically for the Draconequus. As she looked around, she quickly became aware that she had landed dangerously close to what appeared to be a log cabin.
The building seemed to be in rather poor shape. In some places moss had completely taken over, creating green patches of plant life. Roof tiles were loosely attached, and in some places, nonexistent. The most prominent feature of the cabin was the large sign placed on the top of it that read, “Mystery Shack”.
The “S” had fallen down, leaving a shadow of itself on the billboard, thus turning it to “Hack”. Twilight bit her bottom lip and continued her search with a tad more stealth as not to draw attention to any of the possible inhabitants of the building.
“Discord!?” she whispered/shouted, “Come on, we don’t have time for this! Princess Celestia gave us a deadline and the longer we stay here, the more likely we are to be discovered by the locals.”
Then Twilight stopped. Behind the adjacent bush, the sound of Discord's hushed voice could be heard. She grinned with a smug sense of satisfaction that she was able to locate him so quickly.
“Gotcha now!” she said as he focused her magic on the source of the voice and brought it forward.
“Alright, now that your silly game is over we can finally get down to busi-” Twilight stopped. Surrounded by her aura wasn’t Discord, but a small terrified local.
“Oh no!” Twilight said in horror.
EDIT !VERY IMPORTANT!: first :D
See that comma right there in the middle? This sentence is sound with or without it. I think it flows better without, but it's your preference. This sentence is putting out one heroic effort! It's establishing a lot of where, who and what all at once. Generally, economy of words is great idea, because that tends to make for gripping, page-turning action, but this might be too terse.
I quoted it just as it was composed. Two small drafting errors: a comma is making a break for it and it seems that the half of the quotations has already escaped. Also, another very loaded sentence, but you know what -- stick with this style. If this comes naturally to you, maybe it's your thing. You can be, like, the opposite of Short Skirts and Explosions. Long Blouses and Implosions. (Oh... my... give me a moment to recover from that image darling~!)
That comma would be better off as a period. I know that commas in quotations are really counter-intuitive sometimes, but it helps to imagine the quotations as speech bubbles. Like in comics! They're in their own little world, aside form the text around them, sorta. When they're taken together in the 'panel' (that is to say the paragraph), they should make grammatical sense. Example: "I see," said the gryphon. "Pants are butt-covers!" You can even interrupt the same spoken sentence with unspoken narrative several times, but it's considered really bad style, so you virtually never see that. Example: "I can't find my new pants," said the gryphon as he upturned yet another bed. "You know, the butt-cover things," he pivoted from the mess he made to face his bewildered hosts. "The ones with the sexy red stripes. Oh, never-mind. Found them!"
WARNING: I'M NOT A REAL WRITER SO MY EXAMPLES SUCK.
Ah-ha! That *! That's where a comma should go. This unfortunate, because look at the end of the next bit of HMPCoE's dialogue. I'm sure you're likely to have gotten the idea here by now, so I won't point this out for any other bits of dialogue.
Directly in the center of the pedestal lied a dark crystal shard.
Oooh. I've ran afoul of this before, at a painfully embarrassing time and place, too. Here is the definition of Lied. Make sure to read the second definition, which is a homonym with the first one. Now to really mess everything up, read the definition of lay. Confused? Yes? Good, me too. But check out this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index.php/t-427950.html They really get into it. TL;DR: it should be "laid" up there. You can just smile, nod, and trust me if you don't want to abandon all hope in ever understanding English. It might be better if you do both immediately. Onward!
I would just replace this entire sentence with the simple, "Twilight had had enough." It looks weird, but it's actually grammatically sound. It's amazing that in one chapter, you're running into all these things, sequentially, all at once. I know how you must be feeling. English Is Impossible.
Okay, the N.T. is actually really interesting. I'm leaning forward a bit here. You got me. One tiny thing though.
You're using common trope in FiM fanfic, particularly as it relates to HiE. I like to call the Uninventable Teacup. Or, just teacup for short. Here's how the trope goes: a pony notices that a lot of things in their civilization only makes sense in terms of another biology. Say, for instance, the teacup. Thusly, their civilization is based upon human civilization, which they are only, ahem. aping. Alternatively, they are finding bits of human tech and are thoughtlessly reproducing it without modification whatsoever.
There's nothing wrong with this trope in and of itself, but it does carry some weird baggage. First, it makes the ponies seem collectively stupid, helpless, and unimaginative. Some authors like that, as do some audiences, but you're going to find some who find it suspect. Also, this trope has a lot of vehement defenders that say that it Must Be because look at the art on the show. I'd say that the art, for the purpose of fiction, is best to be considered more symbolically practical rather than explicitly prescriptive. So the artists couldn't think of a way to show a prop that would scream "this is a broom for little magic horses!" that would still read on-screen like a broom. Fan fic needn't be burdened like that, because we can just say that it's a broom, and Applebloom has no problem using it, and that's that. No need for Olden Ones. Not to say that it doesn't have its appeal. It can be fun. I would say leave it in, but be careful. As the tropers would say, tropes aren't bad writing, but they can be over-used or mis-used.
"Particularly the West one. That's where you're going."
Cost, I do believe, your highness.
Like he was the first time he was stopped...? Might want to address that. It doesn't have to be apocalyptic. Stomping his phylactery or whatever before he becomes a real pain in the ass again is actually ample motivation for her. "Or else we'll have to go get your friends, the Element of Harmony, unknown battleground, another species gets involved, blah blah blah" you can see why she would want to spec ops the situation before it gets out of hand. I actually recommend that you revise this plot point a bit. "If he's there, he's getting stronger, and could get as strong as he once was." That sounds pretty bad to me, especially when you have the spectre of a bunch of innocent alien bystanders in the picture, too. It actually says something about Twilight that she would want to help however she can. Hmm.
Okay, no. No Atlantis. Done to death. Remember: avoid clichés! Besides you get to use your imagination here. Try to think of something that would fit with the tone of Gravity Falls. 1000+ years ago. Something or some place where Discord would hang out and do stuff. Discord could easily be the inspiration for a lot of native American tales and legends. Coyote, I'm lookin' at you.
Nice tie-in with the first chapter. Two protagonists can be difficult to balance, but it can be fun. I have a friend who juggled a lot of protagonists in A Dream of Dawn (highly recommended, great pre-reading team *cough cough*) and it worked out quite well. Imparted an interesting flavour to the whole thing. The idea is to focus on the conflict. In that story, it was Discord versus his own nature, and it achieves an interesting and beautiful resolution. Here, it looks like it's not going to be Twilight versus Sombra, but instead Twilight and Dipper versus a rather crazy situation. They have to wrestle a primal chaos spirit into helping them defeat a mad undead unicorn king while remaining as undetected as possible. If I weren't already reading that, by god I would be reading that. Look at that description.
In this fic, Dipper Pines and Princess Twilight Sparkle have to join forces to convince Discord, the primal spirit of chaos to help them stealthily defeat the evil ghost of a mad unicorn king.
I think I just remembered why I hang around FIMFiction.
Great chapter.
i love this story!!!!!!!!! please write more
Dear followers.
Hey guys I'm just leting everypony know that I'm doing something diffrent this week.
Now before you lose it I'm just touching up a few areas on chapter three instead of blasting off to the next chapter and leaving it in the dust. Now this won't effect it's release(which is still saturday) date but it might just be the cause of a slight delay for chapter four is all (A day at most).
Thank you all for all the support and feed back
Yours truly Thecakedevil.
This was good. A few things I might change. One is that I think it'd be good to add a part where Twilight nerds out at the massive lab. Two is that instead of smoke and confetti Discord's magic is a flash of white light. It's a little thing I know but it's a Q thing and we Trekies keep it dear to our hearts. Otherwise, s'good.
Chapter two: New World Old Problems.:
Okay, first of all, there should be a comma between "world" and "old."
1.) First of all, since these two paragraphs are part of the same speech, they do not really need to be separated, they can be just one paragraph. Secondly, if you decide to keep them as two separate paragraphs, the emboldened quotation mark should be deleted.
2AB.) Missing commas.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) Missing period and "but" should be capitalized.
3.) Comma should be a period.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) Comma should be a period.
3.) This "lead" is the metal. You know, with the symbol Pb, and the atomic number 82? You want this "led".
4.) This comma is superfluous.
1.) Extra space.
2.) Why? He is a unicorn, he could just use his magic to move it.
1.) Missing comma.
2AB.) Extra spaces.
3.) There is nothing wrong with this. Just let it sink in for a moment that Twilight just used Celestia, her ersatz mother's name, as an expletive in front of Celestia.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) Comma should be a period.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) These two paragraphs should just be one. Which makes this errant, all alone quotation mark superfluous.
3.) Extra space.
1.) Comma should be a period.
2.) This whole sentence needs to be restructured. My I suggest, "Granted it's large, deep, dark, and scary, but a pit nonetheless,". Oh, yeah, "nonetheless" is one word.
3.) The period should be a comma.
4.) Missing comma.
1.) Wow, okay, first "and" should be or. Then there should be commas between "who" and "or" and between "what" and "are."
2AB.) Missing commas.
3.) Comma should be a semicolon or a period. If you go with a period, "but" should be capitalized.
4.) "Hand" should be "hoof" and there should be a comma between "hoof" and "we."
1.) The comma should be a period and inside of the quotation mark and "both" should be capitalized.
2.) These two paragraphs should be just one.
3.) This does not need to be capitalized.
1ABCD.) Missing commas.
2.) Missing period.
1AB.) Missing commas.
2.) These should be just one paragraph.
3.) This should end in apostrophe s.
4.) The second period is superfluous.
5.) "Breached."
1.) "From."
2AB.) Missing commas.
1.) There should be a comma between these and the comma that is there should be a period.
2AB.) Commas should be periods.
3ABCD.) Missing commas.
4.) Missing period.
1.) Missing period.
2ABC.) Missing commas.
3.) These should just be one paragraph.
4.) "Inhabitants."
5.) Comma should be a period and "as" should be capitalized.
6.) "Endeavor" would better fit Celestia's speech pattern.
1AB.)"The" and the comma are superfluous.
2.) Comma should be a period.
1.) First of all this entire first sentence is in the present tense.
2.) "Exclaimed."
3.) "Felt."
4.) "Reached."
5.) There should be a "that" between these words.
6.) The comma is superfluous.
7.) "From."
Extra spaces.
1.) Missing comma.
2AB.) Misplaced commas.
3.) Misplaced comma and extra space.
1.) This needs commas on either side of it.
2.) Discord was cut off, he did not trail off. Therefore, this ellipsis should be a hyphen.
1ABCDEF.) Missing commas.2.) This should be capitalized and the comma should be a period.
3.) "And" is superfluous and "not" should be capitalized.
4.) This should be surrounded by commas.
5.) Comma should be a period.
6.) "Reformation" and there should be a comma after it.
7.) "Betterment."
8.) This should be one word since it is supposed to be a ponified version of mankind.
1.) This needs to end in apostrophe s.
2AB.) Missing commas.
3.) "Albeit."
1.) Missing space.
2ABCDE.) Missing commas.
The apostrophe should be before the s.
This is superfluous.
Missing comma and these two lines should just be one.
1.) This need to end in apostrophe s.
2.) Missing space.
3.) Missing comma.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) There should be a comma between "walls" and "causing" and there is n extra space between "causing" and "everyone." Also, "everyone" should be "everypony."
1AB.) Missing commas.
2.) "Leis."
1.) Misplaced quotation mark.
2ABCDE.) Missing commas.
3.) Extra space.
1.) Missing comma.
2AB.)These commas should not be commas, but I am loathe to suggest interabangs (?!, !?). Maybe make them ellipses?
3.) Four punctuations is overkill. One interabang would be enough.
1AB.) Missing commas.
2.) "Mane."
3.) Missing "in."
Missing comma.
1.) This does not need to be capitalized.
2.) Extra space.
1.) Misplaced period.
2.) Missing comma.
3.) This should be capitalized.
1.) The s is superfluous.
2.) Missing comma.
3.) The comma should be a period or a semicolon. If you go with the period, "although" should be capitalized.
1.) Missing comma.
2.) Comma should be a period and "you" should be capitalized.
1.)Misplaced quotation mark.
2.) This should be one word.
3.) This is very rude on Twilight's part, and a bad case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome on your part. The both of you should call him by his name.
4.) Missing comma.
5.) Comma should be a period
6.)Misplaced comma.
1.) This should have commas on either side of it.
2.) Missing punctuation. Either a comma or an exclamation point.
3ABC.) Missing commas.
4.) Perhaps you meant "fingers"?
1AB.) Missing commas.
Missing space and this should end in apostrophe s.
3.) Misplaced quotation mark.
4.) Comma should be a period and "just" should be capitalized.
1ABCD.) Missing commas.
2AB.) Commas should be periods.
1.) This should be hyphenated or that "slash" should be an actual slash. Examples: "whispered-slash-shouted" or "whispered/shouted." If you are going the comedic route, the first one. If not, the second one.
2ABC.) Missing commas.
The apostrophe should be before the s.
Missing commas.
Sorry this one took so long. I took a rest after I finished going through the first chapter. During that rest, one of the authors I proofread for set me loose on the last five chapters on one of his stories on Google Docs. Then it took me three or four days to get through this.
~KBO.
Your story is very good....it just needs a good editor.
Otherwise, thumbs up you made a Pessimist laugh.
> . It
>endeavor
> “And who, might I ask, would that-”
Okay, the Sombra wank is a little annoying though. It was perfectly acceptable to have Twilight and Discord chase him without him becoming "unstoppable" and being "more powerful than Celestia and Luna together", even with the Elements of Harmony. And Discord on their side, that reality warping guy. No need to try and have Celestia/Twilight/anypony gush as if he's Tirek 2.0, especially when they already defeated him at full power in canon.
1) "form" most likely
o my god it's been over 2 years and nobody has mentioned it? it's so obvious! i guess i shall have to say it, or we shall bring dishonor upon the human race
*ahem* seven... days...