BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

Next chapter will contain some delicious M/M with Carrot Cake.

2586571 can't say I'm looking forward to M/M but people will like what they like ill just skip it

GREAT ODIN'S RAVEN! I'm adding this to my Read Later list. And I WILL read this.
Now all we need is some good old fashion Mrs. CakexTwilight Velvet clop and porn.

pfft! spent last half hr playing with the like button. super green one click, half n half the next.

For a second there, I thought it would be Big Mac along with Hoity Toity teaming up on her.

*gasp!* Not Carrot too?! Adultery. Adultery everywhere.
But seriously, this is awesome! Keep it up!

Crotchtits and futa? Yes, please! I'll just go ahead and skip anything involving the guys, though.

Wow. So awesome.

24.media.tumblr.com/bdffe6fd25fe3ba03e0a0ef3c04c8de6/tumblr_mk25y5uAKw1s1ucavo4_500.gif

I'm gonna be honest, M/M squicks me out. If only because I think shoving something up where the sun don't shine doesn't sound appealing at all.

Still, it can be done well, and I look forward to more shenanigans.

>featured
Well, this is a pleasant surprise at 1am.

No.

> "Well...time to make the doughnuts."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=petqFm94osQ]

Sorry, I came only because I saw this in the description:

CONTAINS: Big crotchboobs, lactation, and some futa.

And instantly thought that I just had to post this:
images.wikia.com/cardfight/images/c/c6/01-how-about-no-bear.jpg

um....what? what is crotch boobs? Would someone please explain to me what that is?

2594018

Mfw opinions on the internet

2594351 Horses and other Equine have their teats around their crotch areas. Did that help?

2594373Yes, yes it did. And wow, I can't believe I didn't know that. I should probably take my daily dose of common sense.

"Well...time to make the doughnuts."

I made the donuts.

I love the chemistry between Carrot and Buttercup, but bringing Pinkie in the mix(bad pun intended)? Excellent idea! Thumbs up! Looking forward to more.

I haven't read it yet but this reminds me of this story.
Poking Pinkie Pie in the Pooper

Crotch boobs. Why destroy what is already beautiful?

*looks at random downvotes in the comments*
I do believe a few people got their jimmies rustled by this.

2595717
Then I was successful.

*This makes the featured box.*

Yup...I'm on Fimfics, alright.

2593568

Maybe a little double-teaming of Cupcake by Pinkie and Carrot? Then maybe some spitroasting of Carrot by Pinkie and Cup? >.>

Augh! Too much cute!!! No seriously, the word cute is used a bit excessively.

2601942

9 out of the 7,974 words are "cute".

That's too much?

2602026
In a short space of time, yes. Same with the analogy of "stuffing the cup cake" as it were. Now, don't get me wrong, the story in general is fairly hot, and I don't even much care for futa.

Deer lord o_o This, I like. ANOTHAA!

2603047

Deer lord o_o This, I like. ANOTHAA!

i.imgur.com/uJhtYkr.jpg

heyyyyy

so in the interest of providing helpful feedback (which you mentioned to me at one point that you wanted), here's a little review/critique thingy
it's not as comprehensive as my stuff normally would be, but given fimfiction's formatting, it'll have to do

ahem

okay, right off the bat. bro. i know i've mentioned this before. please. punctuate your dialogue properly. if you're tagging it in the sentence after, you gotta use a comma. "Hey," Pinkie Pie said. Not, "Hey." Pinkie Pie said.

first sentence, 'smiled' isn't really a speaking verb.

then for some reason you're not capitalizing pronouns after speech? that's uh. if the sentence after isn't a dialogue tag, you're supposed to capitalize as normal.

put a space after your elipses

"and you'll be making a hefty sum of profits from all of those snobby Canterlot ponies."

doesn't really sound like something mrs. cake would say.

"Chuckling and nodding"

- using sentences like that this that describe an ongoing action kind of detract from the impact of your verb usage - you're better off using perfect conjugations.

'chubby mare', 'hyperactive mare' - i notice you use these in place of pronouns/proper nouns. it doesn't really add anything to the story. like, we already know how the characters look/act, and it's just kind of obtuse to refer to them this way. especially in this fandom, this is known as 'lavender unicorn syndrome', and it's more distracting than anything.

your description of mrs. cake's longing overall feels a little awkward... dunno how to put that, other than it just seems clunky.

i feel like you could have played up her want/frustration a little more in that part, rather than just fading to sleep.

your pinkie dialogue is pretty good so far.

"her feelings towards the hyperactive pony became much softer and somewhat affectionate."

- k, this is classive show vs. tell. just basically straight up saying 'mrs. cake is horny and now she's getting horny for pinkie' is super clunky, and not at all immersive. show us that she's aroused and thinking of pinkie, rather than just beating us over the head with it.

""W-Welcome..."

- don't capitalize the word after a stutter like this. "W-welcome" etc.

you're still favoring adverbs a lot. opinions differ on this, but a great many authors would argue that adverbs are the weakest tool of description - they're the 'tell' of action detailing. example:

"though she quickly smiled again, nodding eagerly."

- neither of these is really necessary - eagerness is implied, and the 'quickly' doesn't add anything to the description. someone once told me that any instance where an adverb is used is an opportunity to rewrite a stronger sentence.

"Pinkie giggled excitedly"

same thing here

you used 'spoke' twice in a row as a speaking verb, which is just an unnecessary draw away from the dialogue. just use 'said', it means exactly the same thing and is less awkward.

"Pinkie didn't think much of it, only smiling in return and hugging the mare back, always happy to share a hug with a friend. Only moments later though, she blinked a bit in confusion as she felt Cup Cake's lips press against her cheek a couple times; not really expecting anything of the sort from the older mare."

- k, so here, in addition to just telling us how your characters feel, rather than showing, you're also hopping from mrs. cake's pov to pinkie's. while this is allowed if you're using a 3rd person omniscient point of view, it really detracts from the engagement with the story, because it begins a sensation referred to as 'head-hopping' - it's much easier for a reader to empathize with a character or understand the physicality of a story if we just have one perspective to go on - and the less thought, the better.

"She misses Mr.Cake that much, huh?" she quietly thought out loud"

- uhhhh

tons more of 'spoke', adverbs, and 'pink mare', but i'll leave those where they are

dialogue feels a bit wooden, but you do a good job of emphasizing what's arousing about the scenario by making your characters engage with it. pinkie's dialogue still feels mostly good.

you say 'only' when articulating a thought at all - i can't see any reason to do so. just snip it and let the thought stand on it's own

big red flag - 'groaned in pleasure' - don't say anyone did something 'in something'. let the action stand on its own. otherwise you end up with stuff like "He yelled in anger", which is like - no duh - he's yelling. of course he's angry.

similarily, words like 'suddenly' and 'immediately' should be used really sparingly, because the action should communicate suddenness or immediacy through description, not just you telling us.

it's a general rule to avoid using caps for emphasis, if you can - italics or bust

while the dialogue during the sex is mostly okay, the description is really hit-or-miss, and definitely more miss. this

"Just the feeling of the stiff member rubbing and grinding against her butt was enough to fully arouse the chubby mare once more"

is a bit of mess - really awkward language, saying it 'aroused' her rather than showing us how, or using more visceral language... and 'chubby mare' again.

"Pinkie only smirked eagerly in response"

- here, you could cut 'only' and 'in response' - neither one adds anything.

with endemic issues out of the way, let's take a look at larger overarching stuff

unlike the last few stories of yours that i checked out, the pacing seemed pretty okay in this one. as already mentioned, the dialogue was good in some parts, sort of forced sounding in others. i'm a big fan of over-the-top dialogue in sex, and you definitely nailed that, though i felt like it was a little too much in parts - like, bad porn movie quality. if that's your thing, more power to you, but it definitely detracts from reader engagement with the scene.

overall, i'd say the main thing to focus on in future would be emphasizing description over authorial communication, and smoothing out the narration you do have - the wooden feeling in parts was the bit that detracted most from enjoying the story. once the sex started, things got a bit better, but there's still some awkward word-choice it might help to have other folks take a look at.

all in all, definitely moving forward, though there are still a fair few things you should really work on correcting going into future stories - simple grammar things and basic descriptive issues.

this has been your unsolicited review. looking forward to the next story.

isn't Carrot Cake a girl?

2606454
You tell me.
i.imgur.com/JFNv0Nn.png

2606540 oh wait... pumkin... heh... god damn my short term memory

2604095
I actually meant
static1.kefi.co/410/1/Deer_lord-1317.JPEG

2607768
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m05096JaaB1qgglf1o1_400.jpg

Well that was hot!
Not many stories focus on a mare's teats, hot stuff. Also, I wonder what luck mare Twilight is using that toy on?

2586571 Wow those two have a fucked up marriage if they're both deciding to turn (possibly temporarily) gay the moment they're away from each other.

2616625
Im guessing rarity

i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/428/profile_picture_by_seemanplz-d4msjkf.png time to make the doughnuts i see what u did there

He sighed a bit, gazing into the lovely mare's eyes.

She giggled a bit as she began to smile again.

Edit 4/6/2020:

but they couldn't come close to the pleasure her husband could provide.