1: Excision Of Laughter
"Twilight!"
Oh nooo...
"Twiliiight!!"
Please be unimportant, please be unimportant, please please please please please....
"TWILIGHT! IT'S SUPER-DUPER-UPER IMPORTAAAANT!"
With a groan, Twilight Sparkle put away her brand-new biography of Star-Swirl the Bearded (Of Goatees and Goat Demons: A Critical Examination of the Panic Crusades), and steeled herself for the pink-hued tornado of hyperactivity and sugar currently trying to either imitate a thunderstorm on helium or get her attention of important, presumably party-related business. Although, Twilight at this moment didn't put it past Pinkie Pie for the important business to be the aforementioned helium-infused thunder impersonation.
"Yes, Pinkie! I'm coming in just a second!..." Even Twilight was amazed at the amount of insincere excitement packed into every letter of that sentence as she reluctantly made her way to the front door of her house-library.
Pinkie, characteristically, did not notice. Or at least, not for normal reasons. "A SECOND!?! B-B-Bu-But, that's like, the time it takes for a really skinny red hand on some watches to, like, move! I can't wait that long! Couldn't you do, like, a half-second? Or a millisecond? Or a milli-millisecond? Isn't this longer than a second? Isn't that break-YOU BROKE A PINKIE PRO-"
There was a brief flash of purple energy that immediately distracted Pinkie from that rather dangerous line of thought (to all parties involved) as Twilight opened the door. "Pinkie, don't you remember? You have to actually say it's a Pinkie Promise first, remember?"
"IIIIiii....oh yeah. Oops."
There was an awkward silence as Pinkie mentally checked the finer points of her own rules and followed the thought process that went into them. This was broken when Twilight, seeing the planet-sized labyrinth that her friend had internally wandered into, cleared her throat. "So, Pinkie, what did you want to talk to me about?"
"What did I-? Oh, yeah yeah yeah, the circus performers!"
Twilight's own thought process now resembled a crashed train. "The circus-What?"
"Yeah, I heard from Rainbow Dash, who heard from Rarity, who heard from somepony, who heard from somepony else, that there's a trio of circus performers coming to town!"
The train was now on fire. "A...trio? Um, Pinkie, isn't three members a bit small for-"
"Yeah, I know what a trio is, Twilight! I thought it was a little weird myself, so I snuck into the train station, gave the pony there one of my sleepy-time cookies (not cupcakes that would be creepy), then I looked at the register, I cross-referenced that with the ticket schedule and-"
The train was joined by a similarly ill-fated brother, thought it was at least able to deliver one final message beyond the smoke of confusion. "I..um...I...uhhh...Pinkie, skip to the end."
"You mean the part where the guard suddenly woke up and chased me with a taser?"
"No, the other part, the part where you confirmed the performers", Twilight said as she mentally filed away "give the taser-wielding guard piece of my mind" on her to-do list.
"Um...Okay! Yeah, I found out that they're looking to supply their friends in something called the, um, Golden Beach Tropical Resort and Recreation Faire! I guess they kinda drew the short straw, and the rest of them are on their way to somewhere reaaallly special! Y'know, I was thinking that maybe they could take a detour and-"
The trains resumed normal operation. "Pinkie, the Golden Beach isn't a travelling circus."
Pinkie looked like she was about to get lost in the labyrinth again. "Really? Then why doe it have 'fair' with a silent 'e' on it and everything?"
"Don't ask me why they named it that. You're pretty close though. It is a place where ponies go to have fun and relax, but it's not a circus. It's an amusement park, and quite the marvel of sorcerous engineering. It was all over the scientific news circuit, got the front page on Scientific Equestrian, Revelation, Popular Thaumaturgy..." Twilight trailed off, hoping to jog Pinkie's memory.
She shouldn't have bothered. "Oh...really? Sorry, the closest thing to egghead magazines the Cakes get is Morgan Stewart Living." On the plus side, Pinkie did seem genuinely embarrassed by her ignorance. "So, what was so special about it, y'know, besides the fact that it's a super-duper-awesome theme park, because all theme parks are super-duper-awesome?"
"The fact it's built near Canterlot."
"Canterlot?" Yep, stuck in the maze. "B-b-but doesn't tropical mean hot, and Canterlot is located in the mountains, which are, um, cold? I mean, not real, real cold, but definitely colder than say, Ponyma or the Canterbbean?"
"Yes, that's why it was so remarkable." Twilight suddenly didn't think losing her place in the book was so bad. "Somehow, the builders figured out a way to turn over eight hundred or so miles of wasteland into a sub-tropical climate, dug a moat to create an inland sea, then build a hotel on the new island in the center of it and a giant theme park around the edge of the sea."
If Twilight had found this interesting, Pinkie was obsessed. "They built their own beach!? They actually made a BEACH!?"
"Yeah, they did. Kinda strange to not have one in a park called the Golden Beach."
Pinkie emitted a sound somwhere between a bottle rocket and the helium-infused thunderstorm after it turned into a hurricane. "Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh! HOW!?"
The train shuddered slightly as it skipped the track. "Sorry?"
"HOW DID THEY BUILD A BEACH!? THERE'S GOT TO BE A SUPER-DUPER-AWESOME WAY THEY MADE A SUPER-DUPER-AWESOME-BEACH WITH A SUPER-DUPER-AWESOME-ISLAND WITH A SUPER-DUPER-AWESOME-THEME PARK!!!!"
"I...uh...huh." The train came to a gentle stop. "They...never actually explained that well. I mean, there was a lot of sorcerous technical language thrown about, and a lot of diagrams and pictures, but...they never actually explained in terms I could understand. Which is really saying something."
Pinkie's smile shrank a bit. "...Oh. Well, I guess if you made a super-duper-awesome theme park, you'd keep it a trade secret to prevent other ponies from making super-duper-awesome theme parks and taking away your business."
The sound of disappointment in Pinkie's voice was almost too much to bear. "You know, Pinkie, I'll go talk to them and get it in laypony's terms. After that, I'll explain it to you, got it?"
Pinkie cheered up immediately. "Okie-dokie-lokey! And if anypony wants a few tips on how to party, tell them you know the right pony to ask!"
Typical. "Okay Pinkie!"
"See ya round, Twilight!"
As Pinkie bounced off back to Sugarcube Corner, neither she nor Twilight noticed one of the sparrows behaving rather oddly. For one, it was not in a flock, but not seeming at all disturbed or injured. For another, it was perfectly silent. For a third, its leg keep twitching rhythmically, the only part of it to move.
It was a good thing for the sparrow, for upon closer inspection, it would be rapidly discovered that this leg was, in fact, an organic escapement for the fantastic contraption of brass and aluminum merged with it and visible through the hole in its back, serving as a combination of internal organs and gearbox.
Through the mechanical irises implanted in its pupils, Jophiel and Harahel's spatial window showed the discussion. Harahel, stroking a congealed beard from his head, spoke first. "Most intriguing. Not only does the entity have an innate sense of Fate and relationships, she also possesses enough of an aberrant psychology to ignore the perception filters. Another test I shall run-any possible error in them is too much of a threat to the greater order of our Infrastructure. Besides, the Dalga may be interested in how to improve his own neural implants in any future clockworked."
"Missing the forest for the trees, as usual," Jophiel sighed. "The real thing that we should be concerned with is the Aggressive Meme."
His good mood soured, Harahel glowered at his sister, who immediately could tell she annoyed him and let a small chuckle escape. "Given how there has been an absolute minimum of idea mutation, I would hazard a guess that it has preformed admirably, wouldn't you agree? In any case, I have a few experiments to oversee, so please, dear sister, continue on with your...sport." With an irritated grunt, the Master of Science left through his own personal entrance to the Dalga's Cloister.
With her "brother" out of the way, Jophiel cracked the joints in her wings' internal scaffolding. "As you wish. The scout for the herd, drawn by the scent of knowledge and out of altruistic instinct for the prize, makes its way to the baited area..."
"I don't get why we have to wait for the train, Twilight." Spike was not having a fun time. It was hard to blame him, it being the middle of autuum and he being a reptile, albeit one with a fire in his lungs. "I mean, I know you want to keep your promise to Pinkie and all, but the Golden Beach ponies are probably coming here to go into town, and we can ask them there. In, you know, a nice, cozy, and heated building."
"Because she's right, Spike." Twilight was not having the most fun of times either, but unlike her assistant, the librarian had put on a coat as well as a scarf, leaving only the boredom. "Whatever they did is probably a trade secret, and if I welcome them to Ponyville, they'll be a lot more forthcoming about the basics."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't that seem a little...manipulative to you, Twi?"
"Well no, it's just putting out a welcoming committee in hopes of getting their friendship and getting them to talk about okay yeah it's a bit manipulative," Twilight shrugged. "Still, there's something I didn't tell her when we were talking earlier, and that's the fact that it's a bit, well...," Twilight trailed off, furrowing her brow.
Spike inched a bit closer. "A bit...what? Come on Twi, after how you reduced that guard to tears, I'm a bit worried."
"In all fairness, he was a jerk who needed to be less trigger-happy. Tasers hurt! And it's just a bit strange, that's all." Twilight took out the Popular Thaumaturgy issue with the Golden Beach cover story. "I mean, it takes a lot of bits and even more specialized labor to pull off a weather working that big. You have to calculate the effects it will have on the surrounding climate, redirect winds, order specialized clouds to create a greenhouse effect...screw that up and you provoke harmonic disintegration and end up with your own personal grove of the Everfree Forest."
"Ouch. Still, I don't see why you wouldn't keep a lid on it. Frankly, they could be doing a public service and preventing Dr. Frogenstein from turning Ponyville into the Ponywood Wild Nature Reserve."
"Because he wouldn't have the resources, that's why." Twilight turned to the article. "The kind of money it takes to pay the needed licensing fees and product costs to Cloudsdale and specialized labor for all the thermomancy needed doesn't fall out of the sky, let alone all the legal hoops you have to go through. And that's not getting to the artifical sea. Frankly, they really didn't have to bother. Which says there's something they don't want to talk about, and when guilds are involved, mistakes tend to be the thing that bites the general public down the road. Especially if they're pretending to be open about the process, when nothing in the article actually explains the nitty-gritty. Just a lot of magibabble."
"So...you're playing detective?"
Twilight suddenly procured a deerstalker from her coat. "Twilight Sparkle PI, that's me!" Whatever effect she was going for, however, was sadly ruined when her horn got in the way of the cap going on. It did cheer up Spike a little, though.
"Ha ha...hey look, there's the train!"
The train in question had nothing out of the ordinary about it. It was a train from Canterlot, Twilight had taken it several times before, and she only knew that this was the correct train by the time and the direction it came from. With a cheerful toot and whistle, the train slowly edged into Ponyville Station.
"There we go Spike. That wasn't so bad, was it?"
"No, it lived down to my expectations" deadpanned Spike as he waved the steam from the stopping train out of his face.
Twilight, cheerfully ignoring her assistant's smarm, proceeded to trot over to the only car with passengers in it, which would be stranger were it not for Ponyville being an incredibly rare stop for the kind of ponies whose business took them across the world. She decided to make herself seem as inconspicuous as possible, which to her was standing directly in front of the doors to the car and whistle innocently.
As the doors opened, she didn't even wait for the doors to open before she started on the con. "Excuse me, sirs and madames?" she said as she slid up even closer to the door. "I just was on my daily walk through the station's bathrooms, and I couldn't help but notice..you... pulling......up......."
Walking out of the car was quite possibly the most miserable-looking trio of earth ponies Twilight had ever seen. Their brown coats, their simplistic cutie marks, their complete lack of any clothing or adornments, their neglected manes...everything about these three screamed "depression", "stress", or "enervated." The first, the only stallion in the group, was also the only one to really acknowledge Twilight's presence. "Oh...you did, did you. How nice." His voice betrayed no happiness or energy, only a matter-of-fact tone that gave her an unpleasant flashback to the Crystal Empire under Sombra's curse. "Thanks. I like the hat, by the way." He slowly walked onto the platform at a glacial pace, followed at a similar pace by the other two Beach staffers. Twilight tried to speak up, but could only gape at the living embodiment of equine misery pass before her in the manner of pallbearers at a funeral. Except worse, because at least pallbearers had an obvious reason to be sad.
As they disappeared into Ponyville, Spike was the first to break the icy silence. "Twilight...you didn't make a mistake, and those guys are really employees at an amusement park?"
"Yep."
"And they're paid to make other ponies happy, right?"
"I think so, yeah."
Spike searched for his next words carefully. "...Boy, I'd hate to see the guys who make other ponies sad."
"With any luck, Spike, paid cheer vs actual cheer is mutually exclusive. Otherwise, I'd think you'd find them in a graveyard."
"Now, I have heard of how the employees of a theme park sacrifice their fun for our sake, but this is ridiculous."
Rarity shook her head at the trio of ponies that had entered the Day Spa, and quickly ruining Lotus Blossom and Aloe's day.
It wasn't that they were rude, not hardly. They didn't talk all that much during their jobs, but the sisters had a rather smarmy wit, and truly mean customers quickly received quite the tongue lashing from the two that drove the jerks out of the spa, and they thrived on the catharsis. No, it was that these three were such depressants that it was surprising that the trees didn't start to slump as they passed.
More than that, they were...obstinate. Not unruly, mind, but the Golden Beach workers seemed almost as if they had never even known such a thing as "spa treatment" existed before, and they seemed to be insistent on having every step of every procedure explained to them.
"And the cucumbers...?" asked one, a lithe mare named Hoofer, asked.
"Have juices within them that reduce swelling caused stress, leading to much clearer vision in the short term and less age wrinkles in the long term" replied Lotus in the most cheerful voice she could muster through her death's head smile.
"And the lotion...?" asked another, a baritone stallion named Omi.
"...Another way to reduce the deletrious effects of aging, dears" replied Aloe. Though given the caliber of your questions, that hopefully won't be a problem for another forty years, she internally added.
"The aromatherapy....?" asked the third, the rather hardy-looking mare named Sharpy Palone.
If one looked closely, one could see Lotus' eye twitch. "Is currently low on stock. If you don't mind, my sister and I will go get some while the cucumbers soak in, it may take a while to find. Do you mind?"
"No." replied one or maybe all of them. Their identities had blurred together a long time ago.
"Excellent." One could hear the suppressed relief in Aloe's voice. "My sister and I will get the cyanide-er, citrus, and get back to you as soon as we possibly can, yes?" Aloe left in a walk that might have also been a slow run, followed closely by her sister. She barely acknowledged Rarity as she passed by into the staff room, blithely ignoring the aromatherapy bin in plain view. A few seconds later, the faint sounds of crossbows firing wildly as her game of Grand Theft Airship resumed could be heard if you were listening close enough.
Lotus, on the other hand, trotted up to Rarity, the fake grin collapsing utterly. "You know, they've reached a stopping point. If you could shatter one of those bottles with the red lotion in them, I could fake my frog being injured and tell them they had to come back tomorrow."
"...Tomorrow's the beginning of a three day weekend."
"Exactly my point." Lotus collapsed on the floor, the normally active pony being completely spent. "I've had nosy clients before, but these three? They're like what would happen if you made the Cutie Mark Crusaders adults, removed any semblance of personality, replaced their brains with granite, put them in the Elemental Plane of Emo for three months, and then made them made them zombies, for good measure. No offense", she said, remembering who she was speaking to, "but I yearn for the decadent, easy days of CMC Herbal Bath Mixers, Yay."
"None taken." Rarity looked at the Beach workers. They even looked depressing, being all shades of beige and their cutie marks simple, almost childish in their plainness. Hoofer had a tap dancing shoe, Omi had a flexing front leg, and Sharpy had the outline of a police badge. Though Rarity was thankful for that last bit-if they a proper design, like the spa sisters or Rarity's own, it would probably be harder to remember, and thus make it even harder to tell the three of them apart. "I was going to ask them about commissioning dresses to wear in their jobs, but I somehow doubt they've grasped the concept of individual tastes for the carnival. I wouldn't be surprised if the three of them would wear nothing but sharp needle codpieces to work if it was clothing regulations for the resort."
Rarity tilted her head a bit. "Still, I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for them. I have to wonder if they were born like this or if their jobs are so demanding that they've permanently switched off their ability to feel emotions other than apathy and despair, lest they lose the will to live. Either way, these ponies either need a home life or psychological help."
"Don't bother, Miss Rarity" replied Lotus, rubbing her head. "I grew up around neighbors like this, and I can assure you, some ponies are just born this way. They live in their jobs, and really can't function outside what their purpose is. To them, to live is to work, and if they aren't working, they don't know what to do with themselves."
"Still," replied Rarity, magically fetching a wet towel for the beleaguered beautician. "I do think they need to loosen up slightly. I also grew up around a pony like this. My homeroom teacher, in fact."
"Really? What happened to her?" Lotus rubbed the towel on her forehead.
"...She had a nervous breakdown in class, ranted about her boyfriend complaining about his eggs being sunny-side down, stormed out dangerously brandishing a pencil eraser, and was found two days later in a drunk tank, wearing a pancake for a hat, and babbling about evil math problems that made the color green hot. She recovered, but eventually had to change schools after the class fashion became using whatever you had for breakfast that day as various adornments."
Lotus stared blankly at her favorite client for a second.
"...That would be a problem. So, what do you plan to do?"
"I can't believe I am being serious about this...but I'm getting Pinkie to help."
"May the Sun have mercy on your soul."
"Don't I know. Oh what fun the next month of 'co-party host' will be...." Rarity trotted off, an almost literal shadow hanging over her.
"...And on me. Oh sister-! I do believe I've found the citrus scent!"
The 'death jingle' sound came from the staff room, followed by quiet sobbing.
Watching through a disguised clockworked parasprite, Jophiel smirked. "And the hunt's herdmate, believing that it has seen nothing wrong with the baited area, fetches the prize..."
Pinkie, in her own way, was a little proud. Not very proud, not even proud enough to really affect her personality, but she had pride in her abilities to cheer people up. There was, after all, a reason she was the Element of Laughter and not, say, Cheerilee. Neither rain nor snow nor dead of night could prevent Pinkie Pie, Queen of the Party, from bringing a smile to your face, which she new for a fact because those were all times she threw one to counteract the gloom of said condition. Though not all the times there was rain or snow or dead of night, because even she had limits.
Point was, Pinkie was very assured in her own abilities as a host-cum-therapist (though she never actually said she was that combination, as it generally caused ponies to lose all hope in the mental health industry's standards and thus made them sad), which is why she was all too happy to rise to Rarity's request to actually throw one for the carnival (sorry, theme park) trio.
Having spent the last fifteen minutes speaking to them in an attempt to actually find out what they wanted apart from vague affirmations, she felt somewhat ambivalent towards Rarity's request at the moment.
On the one hoof, they needed it (dear Sun did they need it), but on the other...
"Yeah. Pies are okay. I guess."
One of the Queen of the Party's limits was her patience.
"...you guess!? As you've guessed for the balloons, the cake, the punch, the party favors, the kazoos, the fireworks, the canon, the elephants, a solar system, and now the throwing pies!? I'm good at telling what ponies want in a party but I'm not psychic! ...Though maybe you'd like one? I know this Madame Anja...."
"Yeah. Psychics are okay. I guess."
"Ugh." Pinkie cradled her head in her hoof. "Look. I've been trying to prance around this issue, seeing as how it's really, super-duper, incredibly offensive to a lot of ponies, and a lot of donkeys (I know, I'm friends with one), but you three...I'll be honest here, what you need is to just cheer up already!"
"Yeah. Cheering up is good. I guess."
Pinkie's ears began to vent steam. "Excuse me. I need to explode. I'll be back in around, oh, half-a-minute."
The normally bouncy mare galloped over a hill. Promptly thereafter, a pink mushroom cloud blossomed over the ridge with a sound that may have been a howl of frustration and rage or an actual nuclear blast. Even before the dust cleared, the source bounced back to the utterly motionless trio, her normal mood of cheer restored.
"Okie-dokie-lokey. I'm better now."
The smile dropped. "Seriously, you three, I'm not normally like that. I mean, I have problems too-my insecurity, my tendency to be an attention hog, and the psychologist my friends dragged me off to after the birthday incident says I have mild bipolar personality disorder-but normally I don't get that mad, and when I do get mad like that, it's either because someone broke a Pinkie Promise or because I'm both really worried about somepony and that pony is not letting me help them." Birthday incident, her internal hypocrisy sensor spouted off, but she ignored that in favor of making her point. "Point is...I need to know what your issues are, so I can see you turn that frown upside-down."
Sharpy Palone raised an eyebrow. "You aren't cribbing this from said psychiatrist's sessions, are you?"
"Yes, but apart from that," Pinkie said as she fell to the ground and gave the mare her best puppy-dog eyes, "just help me help you."
Palone opened her mouth.
"If that reply is a variation of 'Yeah blank is good I guess' I will shoot you in the face with a party canon."
Palone closed her mouth.
Pinkie sighed. "I quit. It's official. There is nothing in the world, nothing in aaallll of Equestria that will cheer you up." Slowly, the Element Bearer got to her feet, looking for all the world like she had just been informed that there was no meaning to life, she was adopted, and Santa Hooves didn't exist in short order. "Oh well. Maybe you're happy being sad. Or something similar because, uh, you're sad. Maybe your job makes you happy, maybe it doesn't, but there's nothing poor old Pinkie can do. I'm a failure..." Dejectedly, Pinkie turned around and began to walk. "Just don't mind me. I'll be over here, you know, being a f-f-failure..." The mare shuddered a bit an began to sniffle.
Hoofer was the first to be swayed by this display. "Hey. Don't cry. Here, we'll tell you about what we want."
"REALLY!?" Pinkie said in a genuinely exited voice, hiding the bottle of Gummy's tears she had back in her hair. "I mean, really? You're finally going to help me?"
"Yeah, helping you is good. I gu-" BOOM
Blowing the smoke off her party canon, Pinkie turned from the dazed (and far more festive looking) Palone to Omi. "As you saying."
Omi looked a little uncomfortable. "Well...actually, this is a little uncomfortable for us."
Hoofer clapped her front hooves together and glanced at Palone. "You know she's a security guard, right?"
"Um...up until just now, no."
That actually got Omi to chuckle. "Well, if we actually went into what we want, we could be fired..."
"Nope. I don't know what you want, but I have standards. I'm the Queen of the Party, not Our Lady of-"
"NO! No. Actually....ummm...."
"*pbbt* No. No, it's okay," Palone spat out through the confetti in her mouth.
"Well....um....you said that um....you thought we were happy in our jobs right. Well, er, that's a little mistake. In all truth, our jobs are um, how do I say this, they, uh-"
"BUCKING SUCK!" The sudden outpouring of emotion from Hoofer may have been what caused Pinkie to jump or it may have been her hooves hitting the ground like a meteor. "I don't know if all theme parks are like the Golden Beach are like the Tartarus we have to endure, but ours bucking suck! Actually, that's a bit of a mislabeling. Our jobs are menial, pathetic, minimum wage excuses for life that I'm pretty sure it's punishment for us being commanders in the army of Emperor Dictatus and using the ashes of the villages we burned as bathrooms or something!"
"'Durrr, Omi'" said the stallion in question as he crossed his eyes and drooled. "Durrr, could you help me lift this tug? Hurr, I crashed it, and thus am liable to move it my own dumb self, and, duhh, you have to keep your muscles up and uninjured for your strongpony show and dockhand work, but, derp, I went to college and get paid more, and that makes me better, particularly given how the boss listens to my complaints and not yours!' Yeah, sure, dude, that diploma mill your father, the dock manager, shuffled you through really did a lot, particularly given how I have to help you with that dang boat of yours every other week. And don't get me started on the actual customers-"
"'AH'M A GAWRDIAN OF PONAH DECANCY'" said Hoofer, affecting the most annoying and exaggerated accent she could. "'AH ONLAH CAME BECAWSE MAH WIFE AN' KIDS WAHNTED TO COME AND AH AM OFFANDED BY YA STANDAWRD DRASS WHIALE DANCIN' AND ARE GONNA' CORNAH YOU AFTA THE SHOW TA YEHLL AT YA FOR DARING TA CAUHSE LAHST IN ME, AH MEAN, YUNG COLTS. AH WILL DAMONSTRATE THIS BAH TRAIHING TO GIT YAH TO DO DAH TWO-PONAH CAWNGA LINE WIT ME AS SOON AS AH THINK MAH WIFE AIN'T WATCHIN'.' And then there's the island guests-"
"'I say, this mare looks like a maid!'" sad Palone, holding her so far in the air she looked to be in danger of drowning if it rained. "Jet Set, this fine lady will take the metric ton of pointless crap we don't use plus whatever we actually will to our room on the top floor, using the steps because it's all in one package larger than both of the elevators looking together! What do you mean, a security guard? Mares can't be security guards, that would violate gender roles that evaporated centuries ago given how our immortal ruler abolished them and they only are still relevant in the inbred nobility of Canterlot! Manager! This proletariat does not wish to lick my tail like the drugs I am sure she is addicted to!' IT. NEVER. BUCKING. ENDS."
Pinkie stared mutely at the trio in the midst of catharsis, then pointed at the hill. "Hey, if you need a place to explode..."
Omi's rapid breaths began to slow, and he began to smile. "You know, however...this helped a lot!"
Hoofer was already beaming. "It feels good to let off some steam like that!"
Palone was nearly nearly singing. "Our bosses would never allow us to do that, so thanks...Pinkie, is it? You really cheered us up. If you ever want to visit the park, we'll be there to greet you!" Before Pinkie could work up the thought to say anything, the security mare pressed a coupon into her mane and the trio began to trot off happily.
Slowly, Pinkie came out of her state of shock. Huh. That was...a lot easier than I had imagined. Huh. I guess they were just stressed, and they didn't need a party at all! They just needed to talk about their problems with somepony!
Ooh, nice idea for a letter to...the.....Princess.
Wait, did she say that they weren't allowed to talk about their problems?
.....
This requires a field trip.
"Come ooonnn, Fluttershy! Dashie turned me down because of training, and this coupon is meant for multiple ponies only!"
Fluttershy, giving her the best apologetic smile she could manage, shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I can't. Humilia Dickinson and Hummingway are expecting to hatch, soon, and I don't want to miss it."
"But Fluttershyyy! I Pinkie Promised Twilight I would tell her what was going on with the park, and she and Applejack are probably too busy!"
"What about Rarity?"
Pinkie stared at her friend. "Rarity? At a theme park explicitly meant for members of the not-elite customers?"
Fluttershy stared back, then facehoofed. "Good point. Still, I can't see why you can't wait for one of us to have some free time."
"Because I don't think the employees of the park could survive much more with the way their working conditions are, that's why! You didn't see them, but when they came over here, it was like they were ghosts! All frowns and all sadness, all the time! I think the place requires fifty ccs of fun courtesy of Dr. Pie, stat! Besides, it's a really fun park by the looks of it, horrible staff policies aside!"
"...Really Pinkie? You aren't that great of a salespony. You know how bad I am with crowds."
"But-! Look, the park ponies were nice enough to give me this brochure, and you've got to see it! They have rides, a hotel, surfing, massages, shows, one of the world's largest houses of mirrors, guard hawks, an apartment block where the staff and their families can live in, a-"
"Wait. What was that last thing?"
"The apartments?"
"The one before that." Fluttershy seemed to be lost in thought.
"The guard hawks? Oh, they're really cool! I mean, they have the standard peregrine falcons and the like, but also rocs, thunderbirds-"
"Actually...does the brochure specify how the animals are cared for?"
"...No. I don't see how that's important, but..."
Fluttershy sighed, and then opened the door. "I'm going."
"HUH? But just a second ago, you were-"
"Pinkie, if the working conditions are as bad as you say, then I doubt if the animals are cared for all that well. Especially if they're security. I can watch hummingbird eggs hatch some other time, there's a possible injustice to right." A thought. "Besides a lack of fun."
Pinkie beamed.
Much to Pinkie's dismay, they were not allowed to take the same train as the theme park ponies, as the rest of the train they had left on had one, bought-out passenger cart, and the rest of the train was a Sweet Apple Acres export carrier. Since it was the only train that day, Pinkie and Fluttrshy had to wait a day (well, Pinkie did-Fluttershy wasn't eager enough to properly wait). This might have been beneficial though, as it gave Pinkie time to plan out the party schedule and figure out an arrangement with the Cakes, and Fluttershy time to explain the special needs of the various animals she was caring for to her housesitter (also known as Twilight).
When they did arrived however, nothing could have prepared them for the shock as they pulled into the Golden Beach's geothermalized area.
"Oh...my....gosh..."
Fluttershy didn't dispute this. It was something that needed no other words.
While both ponies had been to the rematerialized Crystal Empire, the sudden stop of snow as they entered the pastoral landscape of the city was infinitely less dramatic. One part of this was Shining Armor's shield, but another was the simple fact that it hadn't been there for centuries. It was slightly easier to digest that the Crystal Empire was something apart from the ice and cold that had covered the landscape, particularly given how the rest of the land had become pastoral after Sombra was defeated.
This was something different. Here, there wasn't any snow (which would be incredibly unseasonal), but there was a fall landscape surrounding the park's area, all brown and orange and, let's face it, dying, except for the conifers. As one approached the Golden Beach, however, the conifers became more rare, but it seemed to make way for the eternal summer, with leafy foliage and flowers becoming more common. As one got further and further towards the park, the flowers came to cover everything, until it seemed that the entire field was one big patchwork carpet of colorful plants, broken up by tree groves in full leaf.
To say nothing of the Golden Beach itself! Even the outer park looked like a city from a futurist's daydream, a vast, marble and metal art piece of gentle edges, slender buildings, and giant magical gadgetry such as holographic displays, floating roller coasters, and even a tesseract, slowly changing shape as it rotated in its extra spatial dimension ("that's the hall of mirrors" Pinkie whispered).
And the sea? The sea was gorgeous into itself, pretty and green, with dozens of paddleboats going to and fro across it, with large areas cordoned off for ponies to play in, alight with splashing activity seen even as far away as the train was. Pinkie and Fluttershy could tell the people who built it weren't trying to draw your attention to the sea. No, that was the island.
Even before one reached the hotel, the island was something remarkable. The island, shaped like a giant star no unlike the ones on Twilight's cutie mark, was even more green and lush than the outskirts. Rather than a serene prairie, however, the island was a colorful jungle of palms, vines, and giant rainforest trees, not unlike the rainforests not the Evergratis (ie, the other Everfree) in Zebraca. Much like the sea for the island, however, the jungle was more like a necklace on the coat of a beautiful mare, drawing attention to the overall effect of the hotel.
Except that it wasn't really doing justice to call it a hotel. More like a combination of a hotel and a clock tower, both of those things being the platonic ideal of what each should live up to.
At the bottom floor were a series of four pathways leading to the great entrance, built like a grand crystal and bronze gate, with many smaller doors leading into and out of it, a gear shaft for the energy for the flow of ponies, staff and guests.
At the lower and middle floors were a vast collection of windows leading to various bedrooms and staff facilities-it was obviously intended that the hotel support as many ponies as need be, perhaps owing to the size of the nobility or recognition that catering to an exclusive clientele couldn't last forever. Each window was styled like a gear, to fit in with the collection of artwork of the golden brass interior of a clock, all leading up to a giant wheel train near the top, which Pinkie helpfully pointed out was the revolving restaurant of the place, Above those were the suits, and then finally the clock faces.
While the entire hotel was magnificent, the faces of the great clock tower was truly the centerpiece of the whole collection, simultaneously informing the entire park of the proper time, and showing off some of the best artwork that the Elements had ever seen. On one face, there was the gentle dance of Celestia and Luna, slowly moving with day and night as butterflies and moths cavorted about, upon a detailed relief of the sky, built so that it appeared that everything except the numbers moved. On the second, a depiction of the sea as it moved with the tides, rising and falling with the real ones, quick enough that one could see it move even as the train pulled into the station. And on the third, a depiction of the cosmos, on which nothing what so ever changed, except for the most ornate of the six hands among them.
So dumbstruck were the Elements by this sight that they didn't notice the train had actually stopped until they heard the announcement "Now arriving at Starboard Station. We hope you enjoy your stay."
Pinkie didn't miss a beat though. "LOOK AT IT, LOOK AT IT! SO MANY RIDES! SO MUCH WATER! SO MUCH HEAT! SO MUCH GIANT CLOCK! WHY DIDN'T THEY CALL THIS PLACE CLOCK WORLD OR SOMETHING, SERIOUSLY THE BEACH ISN'T THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND!"
"I read the brochure, and I think the hotel is called the Escapement, and that would be confusing if everything was named after clock-related things."
"WELL, I'M CONFUSED. WHAT'S AN ESCAPEMENT?"
"It's the part of a clock that keeps the pendulum stable."
"OH REALLY? HUH, WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, I WAS THINKING IT WAS AN EMERGENCY SYSTEM FOR AVOIDING HOUSE FIRES. DOESN'T MATTER! WE'RE AT A THEME PARK!" Squealing, Pinkie ran out the the doors, accidentally trampling the announcer as she did so. Fluttershy followed shortly thereafter, pausing only to help the announcer to her hooves, and made her way over to the plaza, where Pinkie was busy being a tornado of hyperactivity and sugar, and, remarkably, never actually hitting any of the befuddled ponies. Presumably she had time to actually see them first, or the announcer was a misjudgment.
"WHAT'S THAT, WHAT'S THIS, WHO'RE YOU, IS THIS FOR SALE, YOU SHOULD GET THAT ZIT LOOKED AT, NICE BOOTS, ETCETERA, ETCETERA, ETCETERA!"
"Pinkie...."
"LOOK FLUTTERSHY, THEY HAVE A WISHING WELL!"
"Pinkie Pie."
"OR IS IT A WISHING FOUNTAIN? DO FOUNTAINS STILL HAVE WISHING NYMPHS IN THEM? IS THIS EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A NYMPH?"
"Pinkimena!"
"WHAT?"
"Aren't we forgetting something?"
"WE'RE FORGETTING SOMETHING? HA, YOU'RE WRONG! I'M THE ONLY ONE FORGETTING...WHAT WE came here...for...."
Looking massively ashamed of herself, Pinke came down from her excitement high and finally took a breath. "Ah yeah, the fun infusion. Sorry, the fact that we're in a THEME PARK OH MY SUN-!" THWAP "...kinda made me lose my focus. Also, thanks. I needed that,"
Already hit with a tide of regret for that wing slap, Fluttershy shrugged
"Anyway, I kinda doubt that even if this was old enough to have a wishing nymph, I doubt if she would be responding to any of these bits." Pinkie fished a ten-cent bit from the fountain. "Seriously. Here, take this. I don't see any 'these bits will go to charity' signs anywhere, unless you count that poem." Pinkie nodded to an inscription on the pegasus statue's wings. At first, the words were hard to make out, but the more one looked at them, the more they resolved into a quartet of stanzas:
Will the circle be unbroken,
By and by, by and by?
There's a better, home awaiting
In the the sky, in the sky.
"Kinda morbid for a park though, don't you think? Come on, the island is where I think the staff quarters are. Skiff probably leaves soon, I'll be seeing you."
Pinkie bounced off, followed a few minutes later by Fluttershy, who had given the coin to a worthier cause.
Jophiel, observing via the clockwork camera in the statue, felt her smirk widen into a smug smile as her wings tensed with excitement. "And so the prey and the decoy wander into the rifle's sights...."
"So, Fluttershy, here's what my plan was."
"Yes?"
"I brought this miniature party canon along with me..."
"Mm-hmm."
"...I was thinking we sneak into a staff meeting..."
"Mmm....hm?"
"...and then when everybody is nice and bored listening to this hypothetical pony's life story..."
"Huh?"
"...giving them all a read surprise party! There's no way this plan could go wrong!"
"Um, Pinkie?"
"Unless, and this is a big unless, one of those ponies has a heart condition, in which case it could go very wrong."
"Pinkie, do you hear something?"
"So, we instead slip heart medication to all of them since we have no way of knowing-Huh?" Pinkie tilted her ears. "I don't hear anything."
"Listen closer."
Pinkie's ears swiveled around a bit. "...Still nothing."
"Exactly my point."
Pinkie opened her mouth to ask exactly what Fluttershy had meant...and then realized something.
She didn't hear anything at all, not even the sound of the sloshing water against their cabin below decks.
"Huh....That's....creepy. Um...well. I am creeped out right now. Huh. Um...tee hee?"
Nope. Giggling at the ghostie did absolutely nothing to restore sound to the cabin.
"....Hey, sailor guys?"
Pinkie began to trot up the cabin stairs.
"Hey, um, Mr. Super-Nice Sailor Ponies? I know you were really nice to give us passage over when the other boat was full, but, um, whatever mute button you have on the ocean is relaxing to you, but it's re-aally creepy to me and my friend here, so for the moment could we ....un...mute.....it?"
The boat was completely barren of any other ponies apart from Pinkie and Fluttershy, and what's more, looked brand-new. Completely brand new, unlike the rusty, homey-looking boat they had gotten on. And the water was as blue as the ocean. And there was no land in sight, only endless, cloudless sky and water, in every direction. Without any movement at all.
"Hhha....ha....very funny, Mr. Prankster Salior Ponies. Real nice disappearing trick. Didja know I consider myself a prankster? Yeah, you'll have to show it to me when you get to the very visible and very close to the boat island, right? You can come out now. Really, like right now. Please?"
Suddenly, a splash. Pinkie and Fluttershy let out the breath it felt like they had been gathering for the last century. Then they drew it back in again when they heard another splash. And another. And another.
All without disturbing the water, which retained its sinister serenity even as the splashing sounds increased in frequency and intensity, until it sounded like thousands upon thousands of sea serpents.
Jophiel raised her eyebrows, watching through her spatial window as the two mares, white as sheets, almost melded into each other in fear.
"Dalga, remind me I need to give Harahel ten bits."
Her momentary surprise passed, Jophiel's predatory smile returned. Finally moving the hooves normally kept in a crossed position across her chest, Jophiel pointed one ahead like she were human, and holding a pistol.
"Too late, the prize notices the hunter's orange suit. Too late."
A small fireball flicked into existence where the muzzle would be.
"Bang."
sploosh
intruder
sploosh
sploosh
splooshsplooshsplooshsplooshsplooshsplooshsploosh
intruderintruderintruderintruderintruderintruderintruderintruder
splooorsh
seize them.
"So, Fluttershy, how was your trip?"
The pegasus grinned sheepishly as she stepped off the train. "Oh, it was scary, Twilight. Real scary. But once I got up the courage to ask around, I was able to examine the guard cages. I would be lying if I said that that I thought they were taking care of the animals to the best of their abilities, but after I showed them how to take better care of the rocs and the thunderbirds, they promised to be more careful. I guess all I had to do was have the bravery to speak up when I saw something bad happening."
"Really? That's great, Fluttershy! Want to write a letter to Princess Celestia?"
"Maybe not. I think I need to rest for a while, and check on the hummingbirds. Did they hatch yet?"
"Nope!"
"Good."
The mares (and Spike) walked in silence for a bit, when, much to Twilight's surprise, Fluttershy was the one to break it.
"You know, I've been wondering; is that position at Sugarcube Corner still open? The cakes have been looking for applicants for a long time."
"Well, what do you know! First Fluttershy goes to the amusment park by herself, and now she's working with ponies directly, instead of just their pets? Looks like baby bird is leaving her nest!"
"All things in time, Spike. All things in time."
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So from what I'm getting so far:
There are these cyborg ponies who are servants of some alien machine god. They run this resort called the Golden Beach, and they want Pinkie so she can use her Pinkie Sense to manipulate probability for them (and also turn her into a cyborg I guess?), which they did by luring her in and then somehow managing to erase absolutely everyone's memories of her.
Am I getting this right? Is Pinkie a cyborg now?
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Somewhat. The Overseers are servants of the God-Machine, yes, they erased everyone's memories of Pinkie so they could harness her Pinkie Sense without harassment, yes, but these three aren't cyborg ponies. They were built this way.
Let me put it this way-the God-Machine may not be the One True God in the New World of Darkness, and likely isn't (it's more likely akin the Demiurge), but it's not for lack of trying to be.
It even has independent programs and autonomous drones, created using the principles of arcane sciences and mathematical sorcery only it understands.
This will all be revealed next chapter in plainer words, so it ain't a spoiler, especially if you read the actual God-Machine Chronicle. I can tell you the Dalga isn't properly one of them, but a representative of an organic(ish) race created by the G-M so it doesn't have to expend more effort on creating a legion of truly cybernetic servants.
As for Pinkie...nah, that's something I'll reveal later. I will say the memories aren't erased so much as blocked, though.
2592808
Okay. This was kind of confusing to grasp at first.
I think I've got it now. I'll be paying attention to this.
2593139
Tell me if you need any other explanation! If it isn't spoilers, I have you covered.
Gasp! How dare you make a Johnny Cash song feel so sinister!
And I don't think this God has any better home planned for our dear ponies...
Oh geez, and the moment I realized Fluttershy and Pinkie were so deep in the Infrastructure- *shudder*
... Jophiel and Harahel's bet was about whether or not Pinkie would get scared, wasn't it?