“What the buck, man. You pulled me away from a good book, so we can go chill at your place?” groaned Vinyl.
“Yeah, mon.” Vinyl looked at Neon Lights with disdain as they trotted along the streets of Ponyville. “Cmon, I ain’t got lots of free time, and when I wanna throw a punch or two with you, you no wanna hang with Neon.” Neon Lights pretended to pout, but much to Vinyl’s amusement.
“Yo bro, that’s low. ‘Cos I got time for you.” Vinyl shoved Neon Lights playfully, well-knowing she had only been trying to tease her. Other than Octavia, the wild musician had only two close friends after high school, with the rest having drifted away. Vinyl and Neon, both driven by their passion for electronic music, what started off as a collaboration project had turned into flowers blossoming at every seasonal opportunity.
“But seriously, why are we going over to your place? Last time I was there, I was… wait a minute,” deliberated Vinyl, and after a while, gave Neon Lights a look of disbelief. “You’re throwing me a party, aren’t you?” Vinyl facehooved herself.
“Ya know DJ N30N too well, mon. Nothing escapes you,” said a chuckling Neon Lights, whose smile was contagious and left Vinyl giggling. It was short-lived, however, as the glint of the DJ’s teeth faded back into nothing but as when that one winter night.
“But,” frowned Vinyl, “Buck man, this ain’t right without her.”
“Hey, Taytay would want you to enjoy your birthday, mon.”
“Dude, only I can give her nicknames. Not you.”
“Heh, whatever, mon,” shrugged Neon Lights, which caused Vinyl to stomp her hooves in anger.
“Don’t you whatever me. As a matter of fact, I take this very, very seriously.” Neon Lights raised an eyebrow and glanced at the fuming DJ.
“Yo mon, you have got to chillax! Let loose!” said Neon calmly. “Sheesh, me thinks Vi needs a trip to the wackos.”
“I’m not insane or sick! I’m just… I… I miss her, alright?” sighed Vinyl as she stood still and stared at Neon’s shades. They were purple, like hers, but only darker and slightly bigger. “Life hadn’t been the same without her. Part of me regrets that day, if not all.” Vinyl felt her hooves numbing itself in memory of her past.
… Wake up Octy! Wake up! You can’t freeze on me tonight!...
… You told me we’re in this together forever. I promised you! I ain’t leaving you. Don’t leave me Octy!
… Stupid, stupid! …
… Doctor! Nurse! Some pony, any pony. Help! Help! …
… No! Go away! …
… “I… I can’t wait any longer! I want to go in now! I need to be in there now! I-I-I gotta see here!” …
… Doctor, how is she? …
… No! No, no, no! This ain’t happening! …
… Wake up Octy! I’m sorry, alright? I should have listened to you more! Please! …
… Get away! I want to see her, now! …
… What do you mean I can’t see her? She’s my partner! …
… What do you mean I’m banned? Oh, just cause I’m too loud? …
… No! Get away from me. I need to see her… Octavia! …
She dropped her ears and stared at the flower-laden floor. Her memories lingered on like dark stains on a white dress, and she hadn’t woven enough fabric to hide it. Most ponies knew how much it affected Vinyl’s life, some say to some drastic degree, but they didn’t understand the pain behind those purple shades, which even Vinyl had herself had fooled once. She suppressed her emotions, something which, like a kettle left under the fire for too long, had caused two things: one had been the scars of the flames which melted her kettle, affecting her interaction with life, the other had been the evaporation of all that’s inside which left her empty, killing off the very essence of who she was. She had changed, something she was very well-aware off. Yet every time she looked back, she could only wonder if the winter night had come like wildfire.
Neon Lights noticed the torn face Vinyl bore, and in attempt to console his best friend, wrapped a hoof around her shoulder. “I’m sure, bro. I feel you. I really do.”
“Really?” Vinyl looked up in surprise. Neon Lights wasn’t known to be empathetic around any pony, including Vinyl.
“Nah. Actually, I don’t,” said Neon Lights, which caused Vinyl to roll her eyes and continue walking again. She had smelled the sarcasm a mile away, but at the same time, she was hoping for something more behind those goofy blue eyes. “But you taught me something on the day of your wedding, mon. Two things actually.”
“Hmm?” Vinyl shot a glance at Neon Lights, a smile forming at the thoughts of sweet recollections, and raised her eyebrows quizzically, hoping for an answer that would shine light onto her desolated world.
“Aye.” Neon lights nodded as she casually paid two bits for a cup of lemonade from a lemonade stand. “For one, you can’t stop having fun, even in the worse possible scenario ever.”
“You call that the worse?” Vinyl knew what he meant, and half-grinned, half-scorned at the thoughts of Octavia’s wedding dress.
“Hey mon, I wouldn’t like to get my dress soaked. Especially from a clutz with a punch bowl.” During their wedding, Vinyl had tripped over something, sending the punch bowl she was carrying onto the shrieking Octavia, which caused the white dress to turn a dull yellow. But instead of being mad or upset, Octavia kept smiling and laughed it off.
As the night went by, the dance floor was packed with shoving stallions and moving mares. One pair however, over at centre stage, had the luxury of a wide open space as no wanted to touch the stained dress. Octavia thought it was perfect. Vinyl just wanted to dance with her, as well as avoid any more mishaps for the night.
“Bro, I told you a couple of times already. Some pony tripped me.”
“Uh-huh, sure thing, mon,” said Neon Lights sarcastically. Vinyl shook her head and facehooved herself again.
“Ugh, whatever. What’s the second thing anyways?”
“I’m glad you asked. This.” Vinyl turned around just in time to watch Neon Light’s lemonade fly out of the cup and towards her. Vinyl could only flinch, then grimace when it splashed all over her, the once-pristine white coat she had bore turning now-filthy yellow.
“What the buck?!” asked a furious Vinyl as the lemonade dripped from her body. ‘Traitor’ and ‘betrayal’ had been written all over Neon Light’s face.
“What the buck?!” asked Vinyl again, this time using magic to clean herself. However, Neon Lights started laughing, and soon, the once-confused Vinyl started laughing too.
“Thanks, I needed that,” said Vinyl.
“No problemo. But that wasn’t the second thing.”
“Hmm?”
“I realised… white goes well with yellow,” grinned Neon Lights. Vinyl thought about it slightly, then rolled her eyes, shook her head, and chuckled.
“Oh, buck you Neon. You’re a real pain in the flank, you know that?” asked Vinyl rhetorically.
“Yeah. And you’ll always be a clutz,” said Neon Lights as they trotted happily towards Neon Light’s house, chuckling over crude jokes and past memoirs.
“We’re here. Come on, go in.” Neon Lights pushed his mahogany door open and ushered Vinyl in.
“Surprise!” yelled many different ponies as Neon Lights flicked the lights on, or that’s what Vinyl had thought. She had recognised a few of them; over at the corner stood Lonely Ness, putting on a half-smile and waving unenergetically. Behind the couch beamed a half-contented Melan Choly who had been indulging in a now-empty bag of fries, and the table with the cake on it hadn’t really hid Were Reese and his bag of candy.
Vinyl took a small stride in and slumped on the couch as he greeted them all who accompanied him on this fine birthday. He thought that they had all gone their separate ways, but it had been evident that they came back for Vinyl. Smiling, he reached out for the bag of potato chips conveniently lying on the couch, then enjoyed in his self-indulgence.
“Hi Vinyl!” said Lonely Ness as she approached Vinyl. “How has Octavia been? I bet she’s having a wonderful time in there!”
“Yeah. She’s… sleeping now.” Vinyl nodded as she munched on, and Lonely Ness took the opportunity to sit beside Vinyl. Melan Choly bounced over next and wedged in between the both of them, causing Lonely Ness to frown.
“Hey Vinyl! I think I saw you the other night! A few months ago actually. Heard you were going for a concert, but missed the show. What a shame!” beamed Melan Choly.
“It was,” replied Vinyl nonchalantly, who turned her eyes and stared at Were Reese enjoying the piece of celery Lonely Ness had given him; Were Reese was a wolf of some sort. Some had heard him howl in the night, and for whatever reasons he had kept recurring. He never left Lonely Ness’s side though; a faithful companion was all she ever needed, and she was all he ever wanted. She taught him how to sustain on natural foods, and he provided nothing but hope.
“Hey, Were Reese, come here!” His ears instantly popped up and he stopped biting into the vegetable. “Vinnie wants a kissie!”
“No, no, no, no, no, no.” Vinyl tried to scramble away, but was outmatched by the ferocity of the beast. He pounced on top of her and held her there, then licked Vinyl a couple of times.
“Get away from me!” yelled Vinyl as she tried to push Were Reese away, but his weight had kept Vinyl from getting up. After another few licks, he released his grasp and sprinted towards Lonely Ness, who stopped him just in time with her magic before he could pounce her too.
“No. Bad Were Reese! Naughty, naughty Were Reese.” The wolf whimpered and pouted like a little cub, realising his mistake. Instead of punishing him, Lonely Ness dropped him, then came over and patted him on his head. That caused him to coo, and as his tail fluttered, he brushed his head against Lonely Ness’s body.
“You know, Were Reese had been a big problem for me in the past. But having kept him under control, he can be as adorable as you want him to be,” said Lonely Ness. “Even Melan Choly over here has got over her fear of Were Reese.”
“Yeah,” mentioned Melan Choly. “I’m much happier now. I now live with Lonely Ness and her pet wolf.” She chuckled as she stroked the wolf’s head. “At first, it was problematic. I kept kicking him to the curbs, tying him up against the front gates, because he kept causing trouble. But even so, he howled day and night, causing me serious unrest. However, one day I realised how much he yearned to be with Lonely Ness, and then it made sense.”
“What made sense?” asked Vinyl.
“That you can’t just tie problems one side and hope for things to happen. After I let Were Reese go, he stopped howling. He stopped bugging me and hey, I never knew how tame he could be until that day.” Melan Choly smiled happily as she grabbed a cup of punch on the table. “So don’t let Were Reese scare you.”
Vinyl stared at the wolf which had lain down on the wooden floors. Part of her wanted to go pat him once more, but she was still scared. What if Were Reese decided to bite her? That wouldn’t be good, would it? And what if Were Reese went on a rampage, destroying everything around her? Of course, that couldn’t happen unless Vinyl had let it. He had entertained Octavia’s wild side before, how was this any different?
Yet as she kept her eyes on it, she couldn’t help but wonder if Were Reese was as big of a problem as she imagined.
Vinyl opened her eyes to a familiar environment: Ponyville Hospital. However, she had been tucked into a bed, and was confused as to why she was.
“Ah, you’re finally awake, Miss Scratch. Or dare I say DJ P0N-3,” said an excited orderly wielding a clipboard.
Wow, that was some dream I had… Neon Lights had thrown me a surprise party… but who the hay were those three? And the wolf? I thought I knew them...
It wasn’t a simple dream after all, was it?
“It’s a thrill to finally see you in person. Name’s Doctor IV,” said the doctor. Vinyl Scratch groaned and stretched her hooves out, then promptly got off the bed. “You collapsed from exhaustion earlier on while waiting for your friend, so we had to ward you temporarily. As for your friend-”
“Octavia!” Vinyl yelled as she rushed out of the room, and sprinted down the halls towards the operating room. The red light had been turned off, and Vinyl didn’t hesitate to barge right into it. However, she was met with disappointment and confusion as she stared at nothing but the bare operating table.
“Miss Scratch!” called Doctor IV, who stood by the doors. Immediately, Vinyl swung around and ran up to him.
“Doctor! Where is she?” Vinyl grabbed hold onto the alarmed doctor, whose eyes beamed wide open.
“Calm down! If you had finished listening to me, you would have known your friend is fine!” said Doctor IV as he tried to shake her loose.
“Tell me where she is! I need to see her. Now!” cried Vinyl, who started shaking the doctor.
“I said calm down! If you had only just let me finish talking, you would have known she had been warded right beside you all this time!”
Vinyl then felt some pony smack her at the back of her head. Irked, she spun around, and got ready to smack whoever had hit her, but only to be smacked in the face once more, causing her to tumble onto the floor. She groaned, and tried to see which fool had landed the punch, but the bright light in the operating room had conveniently faced her and blinded her.
“Doctor, you may leave us to be. She’ll be fine,” spoke the attacker. Vinyl could recognise that voice from anywhere. “Oh Vinyl. You’re so stupid.”
That was all Vinyl had heard before the attacker charged her again, wrapping a hoof around the mare and squeezing her in a choke. Except that it wasn’t a choke, it was an embrace, and the attacker had been Octavia.
“Urghhh, you’re… crushing… my… lungs” coughed Vinyl.
“What’s that?”
“I said… you’re… choking… me.” Octavia released her grasp, causing Vinyl to gasp for air. “I’m sorry, I don’t speak stupid,” teased the grey mare.
“Not funny, Octy,” said Vinyl who struggled to get up, only to be pinned down once again.
“Maybe this will be.” Octavia leaned in for the kill; she closed her eyes and kissed Vinyl, who started hyperventilating. The blows had knocked the wind out of Vinyl, and the kiss had made it harder for her to breathe. Initially, she struggled to break free, but after a while, she decided to cave in to the passionate act, and started kissing her back.
She remembered what Octavia would do when they kissed; her tongue would swirl in places Vinyl thought no pony could ever reach, and her lips would start massaging and caressing Vinyl’s. Vinyl tried to manage her already-shallow breathing; Octavia liked to kiss for a long time, and this wouldn’t be an exception. Their tongues met and danced in harmony, then parted as they explored each other’s mouth.
Eventually, it was Octavia who broke out of the kiss. The pair opened their eyes simultaneously and stared at each other’s. Vinyl missed Octavia’s warm touch. She could feel Octavia’s heartbeat racing against her own as they both smiled as wide as when that one blissful night.
“Octavia, I…” stammered Vinyl.
“Shh.” Vinyl tried to speak, but Octavia had put a hoof over Vinyl’s mouth. “I forgive you.”
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore. For real.”
“Hey, we may fight all the time, but I can never stay mad at you truly,” said a smiling Octavia. She deliberated, then admitted shortly after, “I had time to think before I was… incoherent. I was… upset you didn’t come, but I was more upset with myself for demanding too much. I…”
“Hey, it’s all my fault. Don’t blame yourself too much. I should have been more supportive.” Vinyl put a hoof over Octavia’s cheek.
“But I should have been more understanding.” Octavia returned the favour and placed hers on Vinyl’s.
“You were right though. It was wrong for me to ditch you at times of need. I know how nervous you can be when you’re up on stage solo. I mean like, you’re used to being in a group, and getting used to performing alone isn’t easy. I should have been there for you, Octy. I really should have.”
“Vinyl, I have a confession. I… I’m actually jealous of you.”
Vinyl shot a dumbfounded look at Octavia. “Jealous? What for?”
Octavia turned her head and looked away. That was when Vinyl noticed the tears forming on the edge of her eyes. “You… you became so successful after I introduced you into my conductor. You remember the day we met?”
“Mhmm.” Vinyl nodded.
“Like, it was hard for me to accept the fact that you’ve become more… more well-known than me. I… I want to be equally as famous as you Vinyl.” Octavia had trouble confessing this to Vinyl- it had been her dark secret that tore her apart at times- and stammered as she tried to control her tears from flowing out.
“Octy… you don’t have to be famous to enjoy music.”
“No Vinyl, you don’t understand. I like being famous. I really do. Secretly, I want the attention more than you do.”
Vinyl sighed and gently caressed Octavia. “Actually Octy, I’ve got a confession for you too.”
“What is it?” Octavia turned her head back and looked at Vinyl.
“I… I don’t like being in the spotlight for too long. I liked what you had. You could practice your music in peace, and could play to your heart’s desire. That’s all I ever wanted. The fame and the money was a bonus. All I ever wanted was to play music that I myself enjoyed, and hoped that people would enjoy it too,” said Vinyl as she choked on some of the words. Unlike Octavia’s, Vinyl’s eyes were dry. “In a way, I was also jealous of you.”
“You don’t have to be jealous of me.” Octavia sniffled. “I am nothing without you, Vinyl. Because of you, only than had I a taste of fame. What was I back then in the Canterlot Symphony Orchestra? Nothing but just some other cellist. I was lucky enough to play for Princess Cadence’s wedding, but since we got married, Vinyl, there had been more… opportunities for me.” Tears started streaming down Octavia’s face. “I’m sorry… I’m… I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am, Vinyl.”
Vinyl wiped the tears off Octavia’s face and held it close to her. “You’re strong to me, Octy. Who went on to perform on stage even though this doodoo head didn’t attend?”
Octavia snickered at Vinyl’s use of the word ‘doodoo’. “I… I did.”
“And who managed to receive a standing ovation from the crowd?”
“How did you know about that?” asked a surprised Octavia, who bore a tiny smile.
“I was outside hearing you sing and play, Octy. And you did well. You really did,” said Vinyl from the bottom of her heart.
“Why didn’t you come in then?”
“Some meanie didn’t let me in until the interval. I couldn’t wait of course. It was your turn, and I knew how much it meant to you if I was there. So I… I tried to barge in, but he was too strong and barred me from entering. He called for security, but I managed to slip away. Ugh, too bad he took my shades. I liked those shades.”
“But I like your red eyes better,” whispered Octavia, who leaned in again for another kiss. This time, Vinyl didn’t hesitate to return the favour. Octavia broke off again after a while. In the reflection of Vinyl’s eyes bore a smiling mare.
“I love you, Vinyl.”
“I love you too, Octavia.”
The two mares locked lips once again. As usual, after a period of time, Octavia broke off from the act, then promptly stood up and dusted herself.
“Let’s get going. The doctor says I’m free to go. Turns out you brought me in just in the nick of time, otherwise I would have suffered from pneumonia.”
“Aww, come on. Can we stay here a bit longer? I’m too lazy to get up,” whined Vinyl.
“Well, I’m just going to rearrange your basement then.”
“Oh, umm… sure go ahead.”
“Huh? You’re not worried I might throw your precious records away?” teased Octavia.
Vinyl lifted herself off the floors and headed towards the window. She stared outside, contemplating of what to tell Octavia. “Maybe I don’t want to be a DJ anymore. Maybe a writer, or a poet.”
Octavia was stunned. It was the first she had ever heard of Vinyl not wanting to be in the music industry. “Wait, you’re serious? What? Don’t be silly, Vinyl. You love your music.”
“At first, I couldn’t choose between my two loves, but when I finally did, I realised you were more important to me than my turntables.”
“Vinyl… you don’t have to do this for me at all.”
“I’ve already decided, Octy.” Vinyl turned and faced Octavia. “I’ve learnt that you can’t have it all, even when you’re famous. You have to sacrifice some things to achieve a greater goal. At times, it can be a gig or even a record deal, but as for this, I’m sacrificing my time for you. And to do that, I’m giving up my job.”
The two mares stared at each other, dumbfounded expression sparing neither one of them. The warm morning air misted against the cool windows, and the birds chirped merrily as the leaves rustled slightly in the wind. Other than the occasional beep for patients to receive their medication, it was quiet around them.
“I’m… I’m sorry, Vinyl.” Octavia bowed her head and sighed, which Vinyl saw as an invitation to console her with a hug. She wrapped a hoof around Octavia’s shoulder, and lifted Octavia’s head with the other.
“Don’t be. Support me, like how I’ll support you.”
“You… you sure you want to this?” Octavia stared at Vinyl’s red eyes as if it was a mirror.
“Yeah. I think so. It’s not so bad outside the music industry. Who knows, I may be good at writing,” chuckled Vinyl.
“I never knew you wrote.”
“I never knew you wanted to be famous.” Vinyl grinned, knowing she won this argument. “Come on, let’s go. I thought you wanted to leave this place?”
“Yeah. Shall we?” Octavia looked at Vinyl expectantly, a smile visibly shaped on her once-crestfallen face. The question had been rethorical; Vinyl grabbed Octavia’s hooves, and in harmonious syncopation, they waltzed out of the room.
“Where are we going?” asked Vinyl.
“For starters, I’m famished. Let’s go eat at that restaurant. The one you offered to bring me to? Unless you tell me you have plans now and can’t make it,” teased Octavia.
“Hey, like I told you before, I’m not a DJ anymore, right? So I’m here for you whenever you need me. But yeah, let’s go! DJ P0N-3- I mean Vinyl Scratch- is hungry!” Octavia giggled at Vinyl’s silly antics.
“Well, after that, maybe we can spend the day together, catching up on lost time. How’s that sound to you?”
“Dude, you don’t have to ask. Like you said, we’re married. Of course we’re spending the day together.”
“Any idea where you want to go?”
Vinyl thought hard about this question. Outside of the fancy parties that Vinyl brought Octavia to, there were a few places that Vinyl had always secretly wanted to go. The calm side in Vinyl spoke to her, giving her suggestions as to where to take Octavia to.
“How about we just walk around Ponyville? Nothing special, just us taking a stroll,” suggested Vinyl.
“That sounds… fun.” Octavia smiled and nodded.
As the pair left the hospital and headed towards the restaurant, two half-pebbles rolled around Ponyville in search of their other half. As the wind blew in different directions, so did the pebbles travelled. They rolled on grass patches, mud fields and gravelled walkways, and yet their search had been as relentless as the winds. One bumped into a mint green pony, who subtly picked it up and held it in her hooves. Then, she kept it inside her pouch, and trotted away. The other half-pebble found itself rolling towards an alley, where a burly pony picked up, then threw away into the trash bin. The pebble had found a companion though: a pair of purple shades.
2633435 huh, thanks to you, I found my answer to my problem. It worked well.. i think xD
2697391
Beginnings are my least favorite things to write...
I hate beginnings like I hate drawing back legs.
2703878 This was a very good fic, good job.
2703880 Did you just reply to yourself? LOL. And thanks
2707866 Ya I do that. lol
Greetings on behalf of WRITE! I'm OtterMatt, co-founder and admin, and I'll be taking a look at your story today, as you requested.
Jumping right into this, I'll say that I have not read the original story, and since you've gone about this the right way and not made it mandatory to the enjoyment of the tale, I shall not. A good sequel can always stand on its own feet without the aid of the prior book(s), but they should always add enjoyment to the overall narrative. I'd say you did okay on that front, because I don't feel lost or like I'm missing much of anything. The in medias res opening might confuse some people, but you just need to roll with it.
Overall, your mechanics are right, your sentences are decently constructed, and your word usage is generally correct, so we're on a great track here. I get the overall sense of not only what you're saying, but where you're going with it.
Your pacing was also something you specifically mentioned to be looked at, and really, I think it's fine. I don't feel like the story is getting away from me or dragging, though that is somewhat in conflict with other features of your writing I'm noticing...
Purple Prose
And here we get into the meat of the critique: your writing is catastrophically purple. Purple prose is often a death blow to a fanfic.
This is a very convoluted sentence, and it's quite hard to read. This is part of why your story, on the whole, says very little and moves quickly, but doesn't FEEL rushed. It's because the reader has to spend so much time figuring out what you just said that rushing is physically and mentally impossible. It's all technically correct, as far as the mechanics of writing are concerned, but readability gets lost very quickly in the mire of WORDS. Narrative is a place for things to be said quickly and clearly for the most part. That's not to say that you can't wax eloquently throughout a story, but everything needs to be able to be grasped by the reader.
Much of what this trait comes across as is a mixture of Ice Cream Koans (in which case you use MANY words to say precisely nothing) and Metaphorgotten (in which case we're not sure that even YOU know what you're talking about anymore).
Big words are used, florid words, words that are reaching out to tug at our heartstrings—but when you try to explain what the heck it means to someone else, you're just struck dumb. All of that really says nothing to us. It doesn't give the reader any impressions of your character at all. It's all just Meaningless Meaningful Words. Everything you type should have a purpose. It should either advance the plot or reveal something about your characters, setting, plot, etc. Sentences like these just take up space where nothing happens. And where they ARE trying to say something, we get bogged down in Metaphorgotten territory.
This is a mess, frankly. We're okay with the initial metaphor—Vinyl's light is fading. Cool. But then you go off the rails. Fires don't dry up, they're not a liquid. Shattered bulbs don't heal themselves, they get replaced. Is she a fire or a light bulb? Is she a broken bulb or one that just died off? You NEED to keep your metaphors consistent, because the mish-mash of ideas is confusing at best.
This is just pure word/phrase salad. These two phrases have NOTHING to do with each other, and neither of them is even used correctly in the first place.
The bit with the pebble was (ehhhhh) okay, but VERY heavy-handed. To put it in internet terminology; obvious metaphor is obvious.
Your second chapter opens with a LONG block of text, and we don't even get to know who it's about until a whopping 381 words into it. Almost four hundred words where the reader ASSUMES that the story is still following Octavia, only to be pistol-whipped into another character by the long-overdue name drop. It's decisions like this that undermine your writing. If you took this story back—made it easier to read, cut out the purple prose and tamed the metaphors to a reasonable level,—this story would plummet from 16,000 words to about 4,000. Generously.
Final Verdict: 1.5/5 Pinkies
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Closing Remarks:
I should wrap this up now, because I really don't like being overly harsh to a story, but this has some problems. Not the in-the-marrow sort of problems like OOC characters or anything, just problems in delivery, stuff that you can really work on in the future and improve yourself as a writer.
I'm not saying that you've got Delusions of Eloquence, because for the most part the words themselves are correct, but the construction just leaves them stranded. Words can be used to say florid and impressively emotive things, but they need to be tended and structured with a purpose, not loose and scattered. A quality editor/prereader can help you out with this, but honestly, I'd just suggest that you pick your favorite book (as long as it isn't Twilight or Eragon, ye gods...), and read it constructively, really paying attention to why the writing works, and what parts really capture your imagination. Read it multiple times, maybe even underlining stuff if you're that type of person, but study literature. It will make you a better writer to see how the successful ones do it.
- OtterMatt, WRITE Co-Founder and Composer Laureate
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2776173 Thanks :) For the criticism. I understand most of what you're saying but I can't help but disagree on some things you've mentioned. Most illogical things in this story (like the fire and light bulb) often carry double entendres, and much intentional. Fire represents will, passion, her spark to get things going, her source of inspiration. Often, fire is a source of light and heat, and willpower as an imaginary source of strength. Think of source, and you think of batteries and oasis. Combine the three, and you have a well of fire being depleted like water. That was what I was getting at. That Vinyl was losing herself in this madness. Then theres also the obvious 'she lost her way' metaphor there too.
As for 'leap of faith, jump for joy', i know what both meant, but again, it's a play on words, and much intentional. Leap and jump are both verbs that describe some kind of jumping, so i placed them side by side the words 'Faith and Joy'. She had a leap of faith when she left Vinyl, a choice she believed wad right. Joy added that not only did she placed her faith in her actions, she had a 'leap of faith' that she would be happy, too. But at the end, she throws it away, representing that actually, she realised she threw her happiness away when she left Vinyl, and that when it was hoped she'd pick the pebble, not only did it mean her heart (an obvious metaphor) it meant her happiness. Id like to go on as why the pebble is more than a simple metaphor, but thats up to the readers to connect the dots.
If you read it leisurely, then yes, it's with only about 4000 words, but every phrase in there was intentional. Often, it connects to some other part of the story, so i dont ever have to mention things like 'I once had the ability to write, but since she left, I couldn't' and stuffs like that.
Also, iknow most cant see what i meant to convey with the words I carry, and I guess thats something I'd like to work on. It's something that excites me as a writer, and I'd rather write stuff like that than the way i write my other fics... but ill cut and refrain from falling off the rails, as you've described. Paint one picture, and not a couple.
Thanks once again :)
I'm sorry for not really getting to this. I'm going to try to write up a proper critique for you.
I am also a member of WRITE, but this review will not go in the archive.
2781257 Aye. No worries :) Be forewarned though. Like your pal described here, its full of purple-prose-ness. However, I feel the need to defend and say its much intentional actually.
Howdy! Sorry about the delays, but here is the review I promised you. It is rather short.
As OtterMat said, your prose is garishly, nauseatingly, purple. It's not the worst example I've ever seen, but it is pretty bad. I'm pretty sure that your Thesaurus is strongly considering taking out a restraining order against you. Other than that, it can create unintentional hilarity, such as with a passage describing Vinly Scratch assaulting a sidewalk. It's meant to be an angry scene, but it instead comes across as funny because the frilly writing creates a tone so over the top that it's silly. It's like biting into what looks like a delicious steak only to discover that it's actually just some paper surrounding styrofoam and sawdust that somebody's done a really nice drawing of a steak on.
Your mechanics need work more badly than the Greek economy. Go back over it after freshers in both punctuation and grammar. Also, check your dictionary, because you make a number of absolutely mind-boggling diction choices. Crashing into stallions doesn't cause them "temporal confusion". The word you want is "temporary". You don't "demand a room this instance". You say "demand a room this instant". Finally, check your pronouns. Neither Octavia nor Vinyl should ever be reffered to as a "he" or "him", and nothing they have should ever be called "his".
The characters are... bombastic, to say the least. Given that they never speak in the show, I honestly, cannot say that they are out of character compared to canon. However, they certainly behave strangely. At least you did put in effort to develop their personalities somewhat, and it shows, particularly at the ending. DJ N30N was certainly the most entertaining and memorable character in it and was great fun to read. It was quite good and refreshing to see a story that actually created a relationship that existed for a reason, as well as gave backstory and perspective into the relationship. Taking the time to make sure that events in the story make sense, especially when the story is character-driven like this one, is a good thing. Despite the unorthodox treatment you gave Octavia and Vinyl, I'm giving your characterization a pass.
Pacing was actually good. Granted, you used so many unecessary section breaks that I was occaionally confussed as to who was where doing what. The narrative took place over a short time, but it's somewhat difficult to tell. I did feel genuine suspense at the end of chapter three and genuine heartwarming at the resolution of chapter four. The story got better as it went along.
I found it hard to figure out the tone and mood of the story. Often, I couldn't figure out if you wanted sadness or tension or regret, or whatever. The frequent jumps around will murder any sort of flow and mood you have going on. As soon as we're nice and comfortably settled into one thing, we hit a section break and all that work is lost. It's generally considered better to use transitions to cut between scenes instead of sections breaks or suddenly jumping around. The mood was inconsistent. It starts out with a breakup, then a bit of moping, then some drama, and then a bit of a mindscrew before going into heartwarming mode. It is possible to write an emotional rollercoaster. However, you do not yet have that ability. Also, it fatigues the audience if you throw too many things at them too rapidly. This can be a concern given your writing style, which uses a lot of grand gestures and goes all out to convey emotions.
Your story is fine and enjoyable. However, the purple prose and odd syntax makes it at times awkward and unintentionally hilarious. I personally liked it, though partially because of how cheesy it could be. It definitely improved as it went along. My advice to you is to get yourself a skilled editor and keep on writing. This story was not highly memorable, but it was pleasant and harmless enough to be an okay read. The points that Otter brought up stand. However, I have a different final result from him. You win 4/10 flutteryays, which is on the low end of average (5/10). Fix your delivery and heed what Otter said, and you will be much better off.
This was brilliant! I just read it and I love it!
Wow what a story it was such a rollercoaster of emotion nice job man