Chapter 38 - We Don’t Remember Days, We Remember Moments
Twilight looked at the sun, hanging low in the sky, before looking around her.
The grassy mountain plateau was bathed in a golden glow from the setting sun. On two sides the mountains rose above her, with the highest peaks disappearing into the clouds. The other two sides were lower, giving her a clear view of the sunset and foothills below.
All the others were stood looking expectantly at her, with Sunbeam looking on from the wagon nearby.
She took a breath. “If we look again over…”
Applejack's ears drooped as the others groaned. “Sugar! We need to call it a day. We need to start setting up camp before it gets dark.
Twilight shook her head. “No no no! Wheat-thorn must be around here. There is still some light left, we could still find…”
Rarity trotted up and put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight darling, we are not going to accomplish anything more today. We’ve been searching all over this Celestia-forsaken, excuse my Prench, mountain-side from sunrise to sunset now. We need to rest.”
Rainbow looked at the sky. “Yeah. I think it’s gonna get windy tonight. We should make camp, while we can.”
Twilight looked around at her friends pleadingly. “But ponies are counting on us. I’ve run the figures, if they use the machines they use on us they can keep everypony alive... to begin with. Everypony would still be alive by the time we get back... if we set off now. Any later and they would have had to start… start…” She looked down. “They would have to start reducing the numbers they treated. They'd have to start letting ponies…” She stuttered into silence. "Please, we have to set off tonight! Tomorrow is too late..."
Rarity shook her head. “Twilight, I’m so sorry, but we do need to rest. If we carried on looking, tired, in the dark, on a mountain… how long before somepony makes a mistake from sheer exhaustion? How long before somepony gets badly hurt? How long would that delay us? I’m sorry Twilight, but sometimes you just can’t save everypony.”
Dropping her head, the princess let out a sob. “B-but...” Suddenly looking up, she pointed a hoof at Sunbeam. “You! You said these were the right conditions for Wheat-thorn to grow.” She took a step towards her. “We wasted time looking for it here when we could have been looking for it elsewhere. You...”
Sunbeam cringed back in the wagon as Twilight took another step towards her.
Grabbing Twilight’s shoulder, Applejack pulled her around to face her. “Calm down Twi! Just because something can grow in a place, doesn’t mean that it does. It’s not her fault.”
Twilight blinked several times at Applejack before her her ears fell. “I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry everypony… I’m so sorry Sunbeam.” Sitting down, she put her head into her hooves. “I’ve never failed like this before. Never had ponies... because I… I... failed.”
Applejack hugged Twilight as she began to sob.
"Shh sugar.”
Twilight buried her face in Applejack’s shoulder. “I - I knew the timetable would have little margin for error AJ. I - I knew getting here, finding it and getting back in time would be tough. B-but I had backup plans.” She let out another sob. “I was going to teleport the wheat-thorn back when we found it. Failing that, Rainbow could fly enough back to keep them going until we got back with the bulk.” Twilight wrapped her hooves around Applejack. “B-but my plans have all failed. I can’t use my magic... and Rainbow is grounded. I’ve let them down. I failed! All those ponies that they are going to have their treatment stopped... I’ve failed them! Ponies are going to die now whatever happens… I failed them.”
Sunbeam watched as the rest of the girls moved in and started hugging Twilight.
She tilted her head in puzzlement. It took her a second to work the feeling out. Part of her wanted to go hug Twilight as well.
* * *
They'd set up camp inside an abandoned sheep pen they’d found at one end of the plateau.
It was a simple pen, just a circular wall made of flat stones piled on top of each other without mortar. While Applejack had seen its type before, it had only been in a book about old farming techniques. She was glad to note that the wall, enclosing an area a little larger the ground floor of the library, had been built just high enough for a sitting pony to comfortably shelter from the wind. Something she doubted was accidental in it's design. There was no indication to who, or even why, it had been built all the way up here, but with the amount of moss growing over the wall Applejack judged it had been standing here for a long time. It was also clear to her that it had been abandoned for a fair portion of that; a part of the wall had fallen on one side of the entrance, spilling it’s stones in all directions and happening long enough ago for grass to have started growing over those stones.
The wagon had been carefully parked in the widened entrance to help serve as a windbreak, but a gap still remained letting in the odd gust of wind. Despite that, Applejack had managed to get the fire going just as the last of the light in the sky had faded, but even so, she'd only fully relaxed only once she seen the fire take hold of the main fuel. With the cloud cover keeping the moon hidden she knew it was going to be a very dark, very windy and very cold night.
Applejack turned and frowned at the entrance as the fire flared in a gust of wind. The fire would keep the inside of the pen lit and warm, but the entrance was just an ominous black gap in the comforting surrounding wall, a gap that would let the wind in. A gap that would let anything in. Looking at the others, she noticed that she wasn't the only pony giving the open entrance uncomfortable looks.
As Applejack settled down, she could hear the wind begin to howl and rumble in another part of the mountain range, promising that the wind they had now was only a mild precursor to what was to come.
* * *
The girls now sat against the lee-side wall of the pen, sheltering from the wind as much as possible with blankets wrapped around them as the temperature started to drop. The wind was swirling and every so often a gust would come into the pen and make the fire flare. Even wrapped in blankets, they were all trying to keep close enough to the campfire to feel the warmth but keep far enough away to be safe from the flare-ups. Only Pinkie, who was cooking supper, was standing right next to the fire. As she cooked, every now-and-again she’d suddenly shift position, and always just before a flare-up. No pony commented; everypony was too tired and too hungry to care.
Twilight herself hadn’t said much after agreeing to make camp for the night, she’d just seated herself down and stared into the fire once it had got going. Fluttershy had seated herself next to Twilight and had put a wing around her, saying nothing, just being there for her, while Sunbeam had seated herself a little further along the wall from the rest, separating herself from them.
Finishing her cooking, Pinkie carefully dished up supper in bowls and handed them out to everypony, keeping hers and Sunbeams to last. With a deliberate look at Sunbeam, she put her bowl down next to herself.
Sunbeam slowly got up and walking a little unsteadily, approached the bowl. Reaching out for it, Pinkie grabbed her outstretched hoof with hers and looking Sunbeam in the eye, gave it a little tug towards her.
Sunbeam looked at her and Pinkie smiled back.
Giving her a tiny, hopeful, smile Sunbeam seated herself down next to Pinkie. Furtively, she glanced around the campfire at the others. None looked up from their bowls as they ate.
Sunbeam dug into her supper hungrily.
* * *
The howling rumble of the wind had become louder and a lot closer.
Rarity poured out the coffees in silence. Everypony sat in a row, their backs against the curved wall, all looking at the fire. No pony had spoken much beyond a word or two since eating.
It was Rainbow that finally broke the long silence.
“Sunbeam, something’s been at the back of my mind for a while now… and I want to ask you about it.”
“Your mind has a front as well then, sugar?” Applejack pulled the blanket a little tighter around her as another gust found it’s way in.
“Haha AJ.” Rainbow looked back at Sunbeam. “No, I want to ask you a serious question.”
Sunbeam shrugged. “As long as it’s not the one about ‘where foals come from’.”
Rainbow smirked. “Funny you should say that. No, it's about something I heard back.. back there. Back there with those magical sapping nut-cases. One of them said something about you, about why... About why you were selected to be a… what was the term?”
Sunbeam‘s expression soured, along with her tone. “Bastion.”
“Yeah, that…”
Fluttershy looked at her friend. “Umm Rainbow, I don’t think this is a good topic.”
Rainbow plowed on, pretending not to hear Fluttershy. “...Physically pure. That’s what he said. Physically pure.” Rainbow tilted her head. “Why would they want a ‘bastion’ to have that of all things?”
Only the sound of the wind and the fire could be heard as everypony turned to look at Sunbeam at the end of the row.
Sunbeam looked up in thought. “Well, the first reason that comes to mind is... they were all just plain bucking nuts.”
She looked over to Rainbow, who was still looking quizzically at her. Sunbeam sighed.
“Okay, for real. I got the impression it was an ideological thing, officially. Personally, I think Adeptus was just a dirty old stallion at heart. I admit my opinion might be a little biased on his general character and intelligence, but the whole 'being turned into mind-dead zombie thing' might have that effect on a pony. No, the nasty part of me thinks that old...” She fought to suppress a smirk. "...‘Rock-for-brains’ got off on the idea of being surrounded by virgi...” Sunbeam went quiet, suddenly finding the coffee she was holding very interesting.
Rainbow pointed a hoof at her. “But that’s just it, they selected you to be one. And ‘physically pure’ is… is...”
Twilight chipped in. “Hard to misinterpret in its meaning?”
Sunbeam threw Twilight a glare.
Rainbow nodded. “Yeah… what Twi said. It can only really mean one thing. And if they selected you, that must mean that they thought you were...” She looked at Sunbeam, her eyes widening. “No way! You can’t be...”
With a sigh, Sunbeam looked up into the night sky. “And if I am?”
Fluttershy held a hoof up to her mouth. “Oh my! You’ve never… I would have thought that of you of all ponies would have…” She looked down, blushing. “I’ll be quiet now.”
Rainbow pointed a hoof at Sunbeam. “Oh come on! You can’t be serious! I mean, not even once? Heck, even ‘little miss princess’ over there has once… in a library of all places.”
Twilight made a strangled sound. “That was told in the strictest of confidences Rainbow! And, by the way, I know about your first time... little miss ‘let’s-both-dress-up-as-Wonderbolts’.”
Rainbow coughed as the others all grinned, both at Rainbow’s embarrassment and seeing a bit of the old Twilight coming out.
Pinkie wrapped a hoof around Sunbeam’s shoulders. “So, not even once. Are you blushing Sunny?”
“I am not! I just can't believe that I’m only one here.” She turned a meaningful look on Fluttershy as the pegasus tried to hide behind her mane.
The wind howled far away.
“Fluttershy?”
There was a tiny squeak from behind the mane and the tiniest shake of a head. “S-sorry Sunbeam.”
Rainbow put a hoof on her shoulder, wearing a big grin. “Just you Sunny.”
Sunbeam sank her face into her hooves as Twilight pulled the blanket around her a little tighter. “Please excuse me for saying this Sunbeam, but seem the last pony in Equestria to show any self-restraint in that sort of thing.” Twilight made a vague gesture with her hoof. “Err, I mean to say you seem more the type to enjoy lifting her tail…”
Sunbeam looked up over her hooves at Twilight with raised eyebrows.
Twilight fidgeted. “I mean, I thought you'd be more the type to pin a stallion down and force him to...”
The eyes looking at Twilight narrowed.
Rarity calmly took a sip of her coffee. “Twilight darling, the first step to getting out of the hole you’re in... is to stop digging.”
Twilight blushed as she looked away, mumbling something incoherent.
Rarity continued. “But I must agree with Twilight’s general premise darling, if not the wording. It does seem extremely unlikely that you, of all ponies, would have…” Rarity tapped her chin, searching for the words. “...Forgone such a pleasurable pastime, shall we say.”
Sunbeam looked at her for a second before snorting and turning her head away. “Thank you all very much indeed! I manage to show some self-restraint in something and you all start freaking out about it.”
“I’d hardly call it ‘freaking out’ darling, but…”
Applejack slapped her leg, interrupting Rarity. “Well don’t that beat all partner. You are! You really are a...”
Sunbeam’s head snapped round as she pointed a hoof at Applejack. “I dare you to finish that sentence AJ.” She slumped. “Look, I just don’t get that urge around stallions okay.” She looked down, the whisper lost in the wind. “I just can’t open up to them. One kinda ruined them all for me.”
Sunbeam was silent for a moment before her head snapped back up, holding up a hoof. “But! One advantage I do get... is the free show.” She shook her head with a wide grin. “I get to watch, with quite some amusement I might add, every other mare’s mental capacity flat-line around…” Sunbeam made a gagging motion with a hoof. “...‘Hunky stallions’." She sighed. "Although, it’s kinda sad at the same time. I'm sorry if I seem a bit touchy about this, but it’s just that I’ve had these reactions so many times before that they’ve gotten waaay old and waaay tiresome. All just because I’ve never... You know.”
Rarity tilted her head. “But all those jokes you tell, how could you possibly know…”
Sunbeam rolled her eyes. “I was with a mercenary group Rarity. They did little else but talk and joke about ‘it’. In extreme detail I might add. Certainly enough for me to work out what was funny about the whole thing... and for me to gain a pretty clear understanding of the basic and, ahem, not so basic theories of the act.” Sunbeam looked at them with a puzzled look. “When did being tied down and forced to endure pain get to be fun?” She shrugged. “Anyway, whatever ponies want to get up to in their free time doesn’t bother me, just as long as they don’t try to drag me into it.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “You don’t feel anything that way for Stallions then Sunny?”
“Nope. Nor for mares before anypony asks. I do still get the odd symptom flaring up but I can deal with it…” She lifted a hoof and tapped her horn, smiling her little half-smile. “‘Ice Queen’ here.” Her expression turned solemn. “Back in Silver’s lot, for a while after I joined, I took it as a compliment to be called that. I mean, it made sense, after all, I was good with ice.” She rolled her shoulders. “Of course, I soon realized that they meant it as an insult...” Sunbeam looked up, her eyes sparkling. “I made sure to keep taking it as a compliment, always taking time to thank them for calling me it. Annoyed the Tartarus outta them.” Her smile returned. “And it soon stopped anyway. As soon as they noticed a link between somepony calling me it and their food always turning up cold.” She shook her head in amusement. “To top it all off, they had a betting pool going as to which pony was going to be the first one to bed me.” Her expression turned innocent. “For some reason it disbanded when I started inquiring who had the longest odds and if there was a maximum bet.”
* * *
As the night had progressed the wind had gotten stronger. The fire was flaring quite often now, both from the wind coming through the entrance and from the wind coming over the wall. With fresh coffees in their hooves and wrapped up tight in blankets, they all watched the fire as they made light conversation.
It all stopped when the piercing howl rolled over them. This howl wasn’t from the wind, this howl was primal and animalistic, it spoke of bloodlust. Even Sunbeam’s hackles went up. Everypony turned to look at the oh-so-open entrance.
No pony spoke for a while.
Fluttershy looked back at the fire. “I think that was a long way away everypony. It just got carried on the wind.” She looked up and gave them a timid smile. “Living near the Everfree you do learn when you need to bar the doors.” Fluttershy looked back at the entrance. “The fire will keep most animals away anyway, so it would be best to keep it going. Umm, if you don’t mind that is.”
Silently, Applejack got up and placed another log onto the fire.
The conversation failed to restart as most gave the dark, open entrance, nervous looks. Sometimes a pony would look up at the top of the wall, trying hard not think about how low the wall actually was.
Still looking at the entrance, Rarity spoke up. “When I get back… All I want to do is hug Sweetie Belle and never let go.”
Applejack nodded, looking at the entrance as well. “I know where you're coming from sugar. I just want to get home to the sounds and smells of Sweet Apple Acres. To be back, to know that my family is there.”
Pinkie smiled. “To bake off some muffins, to see ponies smile as they eat them.”
Fluttershy smiled. “The look my animal friends give me when I get home. The way they rush up and greet me is always nice.”
Twilight looked down at her cup. “To have Celestia hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.” Fluttershy put her wing around Twilight again.
Rainbow was silent for a moment. “To hold Scoots and listen to her squeal in joy as I take her on a not-quite death-defying flight.” She lifted a hoof and pointed it at the group. “And if you tell anypony that I’ll deny it.”
They all smiled before turning to look at Sunbeam.
“A hot shower, a soft bed, pizza…” She lifted a hoof up her part ear. “Okay… I really want to know just how I lost half an ear. Honestly, I can’t remember anything about it happening.”
Rainbow snickered.
Sunbeam looked away. ‘And to take -all- the Night Owls Slumber I have in my bedside drawer. To sleep without fear of dreaming… I’d like that, I’d like that soooo very much.’
* * *
Sunbeam watched as they talked about adventures she hadn’t been on and ponies she didn’t know. The wind hadn’t gotten any worse, and there hadn’t been any more non-wind howls, but she did have a blanket around her now. She was finding the odd blast of wind to be distracting.
Apparently, a mare called Trixie was a matter for hot debate. Sunbeam let her mind wander…
“...Alicorn Amulet.”
Sunbeam blinked, her ears perking up as she mentally re-joined the conversation.
Twilight pointed a hoof at Rarity. “...All I’m saying is: Trixie may have been able to cast magic at high levels with the Alicorn Amulet, but not for any length of time. She always cast in short bursts... ”
Sunbeam leaned forward. “Excuse me, Alicorn Amulet?”
Twilight glanced at her. “Yes, an extremely powerful magical…” Twilight faltered as the intense look she was getting made her uncomfortable. “...Artifact.”
Sunbeam’s look intensified. “So, an extremely powerful... amulet. With ‘Alicorn’ tagged on. Somepony could get the idea that the pony wearing it could cast magic at… extreme levels of power.”
Pinkie nodded. “Yeppers. Gave Trixie a lot of power and made her go kinda meanie-nuts as well.”
Sunbeam leaned back and rubbed her chin as the others continued talking.
‘Interesting. If it is one of our amulets, and it sounds like it is, the mere fact she could use it -at all- means it must be a multi-user amulet. Which makes it a very valuable pre-purge construct. Not one of the cheap, single user ones we have to make do with these days…’ She rolled her shoulders. ‘What -they- have to make do with these days.’ Sunbeam looked up. ‘Hummm, if this Trixie ‘went nuts’ using it, I reckon she didn’t calibrate it to her magic properly. Or at all, probably. Oh yeah, I reckon she just put it on and started using it... with no idea of how it should be used.” She shook her head. ‘I bet she demonstrated the classic symptom of improper use as well.’
Sunbeam leaned forward again. “Excuse me for asking, but this Trixie, when she was using the amulet, did it have any other effects? You know, like physical effects… extra limbs, sparks around her horn.” Sunbeam looked away. “Glowing eyes maybe? I just wonder what effect it had on her, having that much power going through her and all that.”
Rainbow looked up. “Oh yeah her eyes totally glowed red at times.”
Rarity shook her head. “And trust me darling, you wouldn’t want that much power going through you.” Rarity puffed her mane. “It has a nasty effect on complexion, for a start.”
Sunbeam smiled and nodded to them. “Thank you for clearing that up. I just wondered..." She glanced at Applejack. "I just wondered." She pulled back.
Twilight gave her an odd look before being distracted by a question from Fluttershy.
‘That’s it then, glowing eyes is -the- classic feedback sign. Means you’re trying to force way too much magic through it. I bet she was treating it like it was just an extension of her reserve. Huh, it doesn’t work well like that. I wonder… I wonder if I could get my hooves on it? I know I could calibrate it properly.’
She blinked before looking at Twilight. “I certainly hope that such a powerful object is kept under secure lock, key and magic now.”
Twilight looked back at her and nodded. “Oh yes, you don’t need to worry about that. Princess Celestia herself has it locked away.”
Sunbeam smiled. "That's good to know."
Sunbeam kept smiling, even as her ears fell flat out to the sides.
* * *
No pony wanted to go to sleep and it was Applejack’s turn to refill the coffee mugs. She was shivering with the wind chill as she went along the line of ponies.
Applejack seated herself back down and wrapped her blankets back around her as Rainbow lifted her head. “Sunbeam, can I ask you another question? The one I really meant to ask from earlier but I kinda… didn’t.”
Sunbeam sighed as she looked up from her coffee. “As long as it’s not another one about my sex life.”
Rainbow looked down into her coffee. “No, I…” Rainbow fidgeted. “I’m not sure how to ask this. In the Wonderbolts, they train us for… eventualities.” Rainbow swallowed. “But actually doing it…”
Sunbeam nodded, suddenly understanding where Rainbow was going with this.
The fire flared as a gust hit it.
Rainbow’s laugh rang hollow to all ears. “But hey, I’m training to be in the military, I’ve taken that first step back at the chamber haven’t I? When I… that stallion... I mean, from now it all gets easier, doesn’t it? Does it get easier? They say the first one is the hardest, that it gets easier, so my next pony should be easier…”
In shock, Twilight raised a hoof over her mouth. “Rainbow!”
Jumping up, Pinkie rushed over and hugged Rainbow. “Please don’t say that Dashie.”
Applejack just spluttered something incoherent, as Rarity tried not to choke on her coffee.
Rainbow smiled wanly. “I’m in the Wonderbolts, at some point I may have to… again.”
Fluttershy’s ears fell as she hugged Rainbow from the other side. “Rainbow, please, don’t say that..”
“Yeah sugar, you…”
“They lie.”
The simple, flat, statement stopped the conversation dead. Everypony turned to look at Sunbeam as she stared down into her coffee.
“They lie when they say it gets easier.” She waved a hoof dismissively without looking up. “Oh the act itself gets easy. Training, muscle memory, habit, call it what you will... that takes over. It becomes automatic. You don’t have to think about it. You don’t want to think about it. Thinking about it only slows you down. No, it’s the afterwards they don’t tell you about.”
Sunbeam swirled her coffee. Not looking up as everypony stared at her.
“To begin with, and it happens gradually so you may not notice it happening, but you will become callous.” A small smile formed. “An inappropriate sense of humor may develop... and soon enough, you’ll find yourself being able to laugh and joke about things that would have horrified you before.” The smile dropped. “Things that would still horrify normal ponies.” She looked over at Rainbow. “It’s not that you want to be that way, it’s that you have to be that way. It’s a coping mechanism you see. You can’t afford to let yourself care. You’d go crazy if you tried to.” She swallowed. “In the end, you end up seeing ponies as nothing more than objects. Bags…” Her voice got lower. “Bags, they become just walking bags of meat and bone. They’re not living things anymore. They’re nothing but moving bags of...”
There was nothing but the sound of the howling wind and the flaring fire as Sunbeam sipped her coffee.
“But as I said, it’s the ‘afterwards’, when you’ve got time to sit and think, that’s when it hits. That’s when you feel the hole opening up inside of you... A deep, dark hole that keeps trying to pull your thoughts into it. A deep-deep, dark-dark hole...“ She stared into her coffee for a moment before glancing up at Rainbow. “A place you really don’t want to find yourself. Trust me on this.”
Sunbeam looked down and took another sip of her coffee. “A hobby, a pastime, something, anything else to focus on helps with that. Just as long as it keeps you busy and your thoughts away from that bucking hole. Heck, I knew a stallion back in Silver’s lot, about the size of Big Mac; he knitted.” She snorted in amusement. “Couldn't knit worth a damn, but he knitted. We all mocked what he made constantly.” She looked up with a stern look. “But we never mocked the knitting itself! No, the knitting itself was sacrosanct. We all understood.”
Sunbeam lifted the mug up and took a swig before speaking again. “Personally; coffee, Jackie Dee and pizza are my choices of poison.”
‘And singing.’
She paused before looking up with a smile. “Seriously, you should all come round one night, I’m an awesome cook when it comes to pizza.” Sunbeam looked at her coffee with mild disdain. “I also make a great coffee, one that’ll keep a normal pony buzzed for a week.” She looked over at the girls, a small hopeful look on her face as she leaned forward. “You really all should come round sometime. After we get back, I’ll get some beers in, we could all...” She tailed off and looked down.
Sunbeam took another swig of her coffee before staring into the fire. She was silent for a few seconds before looking over at Rainbow, her face blank again.
“Anyway, back on topic. Even with all that… Even with every wall, every line of defence you throw up… despite all your best efforts, sometimes one gets through.” Sunbeam looked down. “It could be just a small detail, but that’s all it takes. You remember that detail… and the whole damn thing is stuck in your mind... forevermore.”
Sunbeam switched her mug to the other hoof and lifted the now free hoof up to her eyes.
“Mr Sable, the blood was so hot and sticky. I know it’s all in my mind, but I can still see the stain, sometimes.” She lowered the hoof. “The mare running from the burning caravan. I remember the damp earth smell mixed with the burning wood. And the puddles for some reason. The way she kept running on only two legs. That she was preg…” Sunbeam’s mouth slammed shut and looked away guiltily before continuing. “T-the one on the bridge, he looked so scared. Terrified. But he stood there, trying to buy time for his friends to escape. I remember the water turning red. That we gave him the honour of an actual grave.” She looked proudly at them. “I even helped dig that grave.”
Sunbeam tilted her head. ‘Why are they looking at me like that for? It -was- a great honour for him for us to take the time and effort to do that.’
Sunbeam shrugged and carried on. “Of course, can’t forget the yellow one in the cave. The one I talked to but never learnt his name. The one that has taken to haunting me. Bastard.”
She looked back down into the nearly empty mug. “The one in the corridor, the one wearing red glasses, I think she’s going to bother me.” Sunbeam was silent for a second. “She wore red glasses and was so engrossed in a report she never knew what killed her.” She looked back over at Rainbow and angrily jabbed a hoof at her. “All over a damn laundry report! How bucking stupid is that? She never looked up, not once, not even as I took aim. She just dropped like a sack of flour, never knowing what happened!” Sunbeam looked down, her voice quiet. “Do you know, that if they reduced the amount of detergent they use per wash by five percent, the net result in cleaning would be virtually identical, but they would save… save…” Sunbeam tapped her chin a couple of time before sighing. “Oh, I didn’t read that far did I?” Her shoulders slumped. “Horseapples, that's gonna bug me now.”
‘Don’t forget Greywing...’
Sunbeam flinched.
* * *
The girls watched as Sunbeam suddenly flinched, then slowly reach up with her free hoof to touch her horn.
Lowering the hoof, she glared into her mug for a moment before downing the remaining coffee in one go.
She looked up at them. “And Greywing of course. Can’t forget the one time I was actually trying to save a pony but… didn’t.” She rubbed her eyes with her free hoof. “It appears I’m not allowed to save ponies, it’s against the rules for me to actually save a pony...”
Putting the empty mug down, she rubbed her face with both hooves. “I was trying…”
Dragging her hooves down over her face, she took a deep breath in and inadvertently looked at the entrance of the pen.
And into the darkness.
The girls watched as Sunbeam tilted her head in a puzzlement as she stared into it.
Her eyes suddenly widened, accompanied by a sharp intake of breath. Sunbeam’s ears folded themselves flat against her head as she whimpered.
The fire continued to burn steadily, without flaring.
She suddenly swung her head away from the entrance, closing her eyes as she pulled the blanket tight around her like it was a set of armour.
“I’m cold.”
* * *
Sunbeam kept her eyes closed.
‘What’s wrong with me? Buck it, get your act together you stupid mare! You’re acting like a little foal. Letting your imagination run away with you like that... Get a grip! There’s nopony out there. There’s -nothing- out there. They are -not- all out there, surrounding the pen. They are -not- all looking at me, pointing at me, walking towards…’
Sunbeam let out a guttural snarl as slammed a hoof repeatedly in between her eyes. ‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up right now... you bucking stupid bitch!’
She could feel everypony silently looking at her, but it still took her a minute for her to regain enough composure to be able to open her eyes and look at them. She turned to Rainbow.
Sunbeam rubbed her forehead where she’d been hitting it.
“Self-reflection Rainbow. That can be your best friend or it could be your worst enemy. It all just depends on how strong you are. If you’re strong enough to stand what you see looking back at you, it’s a great friend. If you’re not...”
Sunbeam looked away into the fire, her voice was filling with a mix of weariness and resignation.
“...If you're not, it’ll tear you apart with a savagery that would put a pack of timberwolves to shame. It will show no mercy.”
She pulled the blanket tighter around her, ignoring the horrified expressions she was getting as she looked fixedly into the fire.
‘I could really do with some Jackie Dee right now. A whole lot of Jackie… Enough so I can’t think clearly. Oh that would be nice.’ Her head dropped. ‘Enough so I don’t care. So I can’t care. Buck it! I hate knowing what’s wrong with...’
Sunbeam’s train of thought was completely derailed when Pinkie stepped in and hugged her tightly from the side.
* * *
Pinkie felt Sunbeam flinch as she was pulled into the hug.
She was prepared for a lot of reactions from Sunbeam, but not the one that actually happened.
Sunbeam snuggled in closer, closing her eyes and resting the side of her head on her chest. A moment passed before she spoke, her voice filled with defiance.
“What? I’m cold. Sharing body heat makes sense.”
Pinkie rested her head on top of hers and just smiled.
There were few seconds of silence before there was a pointed cough from Applejack.
Sunbeam didn’t look up or open her eyes. “As well as sharing body heat… It feels nice. Just-a-little-bit. There, happy now?”
Applejack gave a small smile. “Yup.”
Sunbeam shuffled in a bit closer to Pinkie. “Okay, I do admit that this does feel nice. All warm and fuzzy…”
Her eyes snapped open and Pinkie felt her tense back up. “What are you doing to me Pinkie?”
Letting her instincts guide her actions, Pinkie lifted a hoof and gently started brushing the mare’s mane.
The words seemed right as well.
“Shhh... little one. You’re safe.”
Sunbeam closed her eyes again and relaxed. “Maybe a little bit longer then…”
Pinkie felt herself being prodded in the chest with a hoof. “But only a little bit!”
Sooooooo cute!!
Sunbeam finally got a hug? d'awwwww
The "I" in "Silver" is capitalized in addition to the "S"
I can't remember any other issues that I noticed.
Keep up the good work. I'm enjoying this.
That was powerful. You should feel proud of this chapter.
5987255
So many feels this chapter. Critical mass levels of feels!
[Obligatory I Can't Handle This Many Feels picture]
If there isn't a pony pile of hugs before they break camp in the morning, I will be genuinely surprised. The rest of the girls are only now realizing how broken this unicorn is. Shattered yet keeping herself together... and a little help from pizza with Jackie. I also want to comfort Twilight if only because she's finding out the horrible dark side to being a princess, the responsibility of her position and power, and it only cost her her humanity... er, ponity?
While Ending v.1 and Ending v.2 were OK, I agree that this fits the feeling of the chapter better. Brevity has a lot going for it.
Good on you for not settling for good enough.
...
Nice to see someone actually take the act of killing seriously.
An extra 'put' was left in.
Missing an extra 'o' in 'too'.
Should be 'a' and there seems to be an extra space leftover between 'an' and 'blanket'.
I believe a period after 'easy', instead of a comma, should separate these two. Add 'it' between 'call' and 'what'
I think it's supposed to be 'make an effort'.
This was an absolutely wonderful chapter! The emotion and drama was top notch. A little look into Sunbeam's past dealings, Twilight's refusal to lose anyone, the silent acceptance of the consequences, and the nervous intensity of a possible attack and using their bonds to each other to distract them from the dark, something Sunbeam can't do, was positively wonderful. Great work like always, Firecaller and friends.
I've never really bought the whole "ponies are total slaves to estrus" dealie. OK, sure, it's (presumably?) based on actual horses to some extent. Problem: human sexuality bears, in general, far less resemblance to chimpanzee or bonobo (notionally our closest relatives) than to, say, wolf. So we can see, in 100% of observed cases, that the simple addition of sapience is enough to throw off any such comparisons and reduce them to statistical noise: "closest genetic relation" is no better a predictor than "is also a mammal" and may not even be a better predictor than "reproduces sexually".
Never mind the fact that chimpanzee and bonobo behavior aren't all that similar to each other despite their close genetic similarity, or that MLP ponies are not actually related to Terran horses any more than humans are related to angels, or that MLP ponies don't seem to even have herds any more per se (and have thus already thrown off at least some of the potential behavioral similarities).
Basically, what I'm saying is that that damaged my suspension of disbelief, for the setting and the characters. And there doesn't even seem to be that much reason for it in the story.
5990381
Thank you for pointing that out. There's always room to improve my writing.
5989808
5987265
Thank you, corrections made.
5973308 I'm wondering,
1. How does Celestia deal with species who have a higher tendency to "fail" her disgusting tests,
2. What would a human who scored above twelve be like (for reference purposes),
3. What would someone who scored one hundred be like and how would Celestia react?
5990381
One word. Hormones. Even people, sentient as we are, are subject to them. A hormone imbalance can throw people into depression or rage. A pregnant woman usually has violent mood swings. Certain scents have been shown to have an effect on people, such as lyliacs making men more amorous in general. All this, genetics. Twilight referred to estrus as a throwback. A genetic throwback. Basically, theyget flooded with a potent ccocktail of hormones and such, by their own bodies mind you, meant to induce mating. Their minds and bodies are hard wired for this.
5991441
Okay, this is how I see it in my mind.
The test is really for ponies only. Any non-pony individual that demonstrated 'unwanted' behavior would be judged on a case-by-case basis and would be deported back to their own kind, where possible, if they are deemed 'dangerous'.
Reference humans, the test is indiscriminate as it tests only what an individual is capable of, not intent. Therefore it is possible that a veteran solider / a person who has anger management issues / a mugger... could all score twelve. That is why there is a committee to evaluate the result and make recommendations. The test is a final resort and is not done or taken lightly.
Any pony does score above twelve, (and the committee agrees there are no mitigating circumstances) the sentence will be carried out with the utmost kindness and empathy towards them.
But it WILL be carried out.
While the scoring system has no 'maximum' score as such, the only kind of person that would be able to score that high would be the likes of Tirek, Chryalis, Sombra, Discord, Nightmare Moon...
Basically, clear and present threat to Equestria itself. The Elements are the preferred response as they have a chance to redeem the individual. (see note) If not... The response to that would be as you would imagine, only in this universe Celestia has more options available to her than in the series.
(NOTE: Just to clear the issue up, Celestia does love her ponies and extreme actions like that do upset her. But make no mistake, she will do it if it is for the benefit of Equestria. The dangerous pony test is an example of both of the above.
Equestria has had the longest period of peace ever recorded. There has been no major internal strife for centuries, crime and corruption are low, violent behavior is all-but non-existent. Ponies go about their days happy and content.
All the bad things happen far away.)
Okay didn't mean it to get that involved but once I got started...
5991710 This doesn't appear to address anything I said, since I was already assuming unusually strong hormonal urges as the equine-analog baseline.
My comment explained why, even assuming that to start with, the result depicted here or in a few other fics I've read (that is, 90+% of even self-controlled, less-passionate, inhibited individuals absolutely overpowered by hormones) is certainly not an inevitable outcome. I also attempted to explain why it is not even all that probable.
Hormones are powerful. They are not, however, that powerful. Otherwise aphrodisiacs would not be "often, slightly increased arousal" they would be "instant sex just add couple"; depression would not be "struggle for years to maintain productivity" it would be "oops you committed suicide the first week"; and so on. Denying this is denying the ability of the individual to make meaningful choices, and unless there's a genuinely compelling reason for that to be the case, it should be avoided.
5991398 You're welcome. I do like this story quite a bit and I think it would be fairly practical to fix that bit. I hope you keep writing more of this crazy stuff!
5992063 Okay, so what you are saying is that it is based on culture. Ponies get harsher treatments if they fail the test because they grew up in a culture that is very peaceful. Other species tend to be treated differently because they are of a different culture; that makes perfect sense.
However, Nightmare Moon and Discord were given the chance at reformation. Despite them being imprisoned for so long, they did get a chance at reformation and live in Equestria. But what about the Thestrals? They have failed the test, but they are forced to look the way they do with very little chance to be integrated into Equestrian society. I know Nightmare Moon/Luna is Celestia's sister, so that is the reason she got a chance at redemption. But she also gave Discord another chance despite not having that connection with him. What I am trying to ask is, why not give the Thestrals a chance to become more reformed since Discord got that chance too?
5992063 Thanks for clearing that up, but there's two more things that have been bugging me,
What do they do with the ponies who refuse the thestral option? Because it seems like a really bad idea to have a bunch of people who despise you in your most elite guard unit.
What would I imagine?
cdn2.crushable.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/right-in-the-feels.gif
These should all be its
Truly. That whole discussion came out of left field and made no sense.
extra space
I'm glad the situation in Canterlot was addressed and quantified. It's good to know how worried to be.
Why is Sunbeam so interested in the Alicorn Amulet? Why would she, of all ponies, need more power? Isn't she supposed to be done killing people?
5992774
Celestia will not tolerate a threat to Equestria or her ponies. She will sanction neutralization of the threat, 'by any means' if necessary...
But only if every other option has been exhausted first.
Just for the record: Celestia is NOT an evil overlord. It's just she's been around long enough to have become pragmatic, efficient and perhaps, somewhat jaded in her actions. She knows what works, what doesn't and when to stop trying and just move on.
Usually knows what works... she can, and does, still make the occasional mistake.
And she does have feelings, its just that she knows when to 'set them aside' to do what is necessary for the good of all.
5992570
The role that Thestrals have come to serve is an important one to Equestria. A role that the upper echelons of the government would be loath to give up. Short version: they are special operations. Their name alone can 'resolve problems'.
Given their very nature of the ponies involved, a lot of them become enamored with what they do now (and *ahem* what can get away with now) and would be reluctant to go back to their old 'rule-filled' life anyway.
I would envision that there -is- a way to them to be re-integrated back into society, but it is not easy or quick. And the longer a pony is in that life, the harder it is be 'normal' again.
There are quite a few benefits granted by both Princesses specifically to (and only) to Thestrals, in gratitude for what they do. Most are well know, some are NEVER spoken of.
5995782 Yeah, but as I mentioned before, what exactly does the "relocation" option for those who fail the test and don't want to become thestrals mean? Because in the group they come from, there would certainly be a lot of stubborn individualists. Also, what happens to unicorns who take the change, as I doubt many of them would want to give up their magic.
P.S. Great story, keep up the good work!
5995322
Why wouldn't she be interested in an artifact that would give her vast magical powers?
While she is skilled (and powerful) in magic, it is only in a very narrow field and certainly not to the level the Alicorn Amulet would give. The amulet would give her magic a boost over a wide range of skills she'd normally struggle with. (Not all combat related, she would have 'fun' with it.)
It would also put her on an even footing if she were to ever go up against any 'Snakes' with working amulets themselves.
Reference killing people: She's a pragmatist. While she doesn't WANT to kill any more people, she's well aware that in her situation, she may well not be given a choice.
(Also: right now, the mane six are the closet thing she's ever had to friends. Let's just say that threatening them would be a... bad idea.)
'Want' isn't the same as 'Won't'.
5995856 Still, she just recently killed a friend by accident because her spell was so powerful it let her kill hundreds at once. I would think the idea of being powerful would leave a bad taste in her mouth for a while.
5995822
The re-location option means they would be relocated to outside Equestira. (Banishment is a harsh word.)
The process is as humane and pleasant as possible. They given choices to where they could go, given advice to where they would be accepted. Equestria is NOT the only pony based society around. They are given supplies, training, money etc... Everything they would need to survive and prosper. They are also told that if they were to come back, they would be removed again, only this time they would not be given supplies.
Reference unicorns failing the test, I admit I'm kinda taking liberties here, but they would become unicorn threstrals as opposed to the pegasus threstrals we've already seen.
5995872
Oh yes, I quite agree. But as I said, she's a pragmatist. She knows that, while unpleasant, that kind of power is not something just to be ignored. Especially if it means she could defend against a snake with an amulet.
Something she's been trying to be able do for a very long time.
The very idea of being taken back alive... not long ago she'd of been willing to throw anybody under the metaphorical bus to prevent that. She's got a weakness now, there are some she's not willing to now...
5995782 Well, I guess having a certain status and Princess given benefits does make the Thestral idea a bit less cringe worthy. As long as they are thanked for their work and work well with the standard Royal guards. I hope that the ideals of that Broom Handle officer a few chapters back are among the few and not the many.
5995856 Does this mean we will see the Alicorn Amulet in action sooner or later? After all, they have to go back to Canterlot when they get the antidote.
Noooooo!!! I'm caught up now. D:
Well, my opinion on this story is I need to wake up early tomorrow and it's 10:58.
Continue being awesome good sir and I hope to continue reading this story for a long time.
5995918 While you've been clear in most of your explanations, there's one thing left vague about the dangerous ponies test one, what exactly they mean by "dangerous". From what you've said so far, it seems to be one of two things.
First would be a person's morals, and what limits they are willing to break. The problem with this is you could have an amoral colt at fifty and a kindhearted giant at two.
The second is a mix of the first and physical power, which would be unfair to those born powerful.
If you could clear this up it would be much appreciated.
6008865
Oops, saw your previous comment, made a mental note to reply. then... totally forgot. My apologies.
The test is an attempt to work out the mix of:
of how much damage they could do physically;
of how willing they are to commit those acts;
If it was for the 'greater good' and how much restraint was show if so.
The committee is there to interpret the results, taking into mind the circumstances around situation and if there is any previous history of 'dangerous' acts.
Stupid mare! If the wind is blowing through a gap in your wall and making the fire flare and the wind suddenly stops coming through the gap it means something is BLOCKING the gap.
Fun fact, I read this chapter in the middle of the night, outside, in the wind, by a campfire... but then I'm a human with a Colt 1911, not a unicorn with sealed magic. I'd kind of like to be attacked.
6019352
Niiiiiiice catch.
Is it really so hard to find yourself a proofreader who graduated high school?
The gang rape of grammar completely ruins any semblance of immersion.
This means that Twilight knows that the machines are used to drain magic from a pony's body. Does this also mean that she and the girls know how much danger they are in when it comes to magic saturation? You have made it clear that Celestia and Luna are doing their best to keep the public in the dark about the Main 6's situation, but this sentence seems to indicate that the Main 6 do or should know about their condition. Or do they just not know how bad their condition really is?
6034062
They do have an idea of how bad it it, it would be kinda hard to keep it from them as they have to go get hooked up to a machine every so often. But out of them only Twilight, and to a lesser degree Rarity - as she's a unicorn, know how bad it could get.
Celestia has told them that she is doing everything possible to help them and to carry on with their lives as much as possible. So by unspoken agreement, none of them mention it, seeing the treatments as an 'inconvenience' to be tolerated.
Don't see this as them 'burying their heads in the sand', but more an act of wilful defiance against it and their trust in Celestia.
Their trust is not misplaced, Celestia will move mountains for them if necessary. And if she thought it would help, she'd demonstrate that isn't a idle euphemism.
6035260 Okay, that clears up that mystery. But does this mean that the whole purpose for the constant hint dropping toward the Main 6's condition and the seriousness of magic saturation was just to explain why the Princesses have magic draining machines, why they only have six of them, and why the cult's crystal would not kill the the Main 6 when they were drained of their magic? That's fine if that truly was the purpose for all the hint dropping, but I thought there was going to be more to the magic saturation part of the story. Of course, you may have something planned that I am not aware of. If you do, fantastic; if not, it won't kill the story for me, but I was hoping for that part of the story to bring out something more.
6035990
To address your first concern, first off a little expo:
The elements were designed not only to allow ponies to use extreme levels of magic, but to do so safely. Unfortunately, when the mane six used them, they have been inactive for so long they had built up a stored charge, which when first used, discharged into the mane six and exceeded the inbuilt safety levels. That discharge permanently increased the amount of magic that flows into the mane six and while it may only be by a small amount, it is beyond what their bodies can safely ‘vent’ and thus magic slowly builds up in them. [Think of a boat with a small hole in the hull. It’s slowly filling with water, but slowly enough so you can safely bail the water out.]
Normal magical saturation happens very rapidly and almost instantly becomes untreatable. While death may not be instant itself, it is assured. [Think of that same boat being overwhelmed by a wave and foundering almost immediately.]
There were only six machines ever built as they were specifically (and only) built for the mane six. Such machines have never been needed before. (As a side note they were built after much rushed R&D.)
The poison used at the Gala is relatively slow acting, (but still a lot quicker than what’s happening to the mane six,) meaning that the net result is very similar to what’s happening to bearers and thus the machines can be used to treat it, for the time being anyway.
* * *
Your second concern:
The cult's crystal acted like one of the machines, only being much more aggressive in it's nature. Normally. ripping ALL the magic out of you is bad. (These are magical based creatures after all)
Two reason why the mane six are still alive:
One: The mane six recover magic a lot more quickly than a usual ponies. So completely draining them would be difficult, think of trying to drain a sink that is constantly being re-filled with water from the tap.
Two: The cult are (were) crazy, not stupid.
While they could have drained the mane six dry… they could have done so only once. If they demonstrated 'a little' restraint, they gained a constant supply. (The term ‘restraint’ being relative. As long as the body lived and could be drained repeatedly, any damage to the mind wasn't considered important.)
Given their experience in such matters, they would have been able to quickly tell how much magic the mane six held and how rapidly they recharged. So by not completely draining them they gained ‘cattle’ they could keep re-using over and over. Certainly more effective than having to keep going out to find unicorns, capture and transport back to the complex.
If I've missed anything let me know.
6036708 Actually, I was asking if the magic saturation and its deadliness was just a setup for the elements that we have seen (the magic draining machines and crystal) or if it will have more of an impact regarding the Main 6 later on in the story. Since I thought that the Main 6 didn't truly know about their condition, I thought the story would move toward uncovering that secret. However, since they know about their condition, that cannot be the case. I guess what I am really trying to ask is will the magic saturation of the Main 6 be brought up again after this arc?
When I first started writing this, the mane six were not going to be fully aware of the situation they were in. However, as time passed I came to realize that would be improbable: a pony that can detect lies; a pony that lives for research... yeah, that's not happening.
Reference their condition / magic saturation / the crystal: I DO have have plans for them later in the story.
I'd view it as pretty poor if I introduced such a major thing... and then went and totally ignored it. I mean, it's not something that's just going to 'go away'.
Disclaimer: - I have no intention of using the following sentence in my work:
'It all got better and they lived happily...'
I can summarize that sentence in a single word: 'EWWWWWWW...'
(Okay, it might be the kind of thing Sunbeam might say... but only followed by an eye-roll.)
6038794 That is great to hear. I should have known that you would have something bigger planned for those elements, from the answers you have given me and other readers you definitely give things a great deal of thought before you put them in your story. I look forward to seeing what you have planned.
6039963
Most of the major plot points are planned out.
How I get from one to another is very flexible.
Of note: I have noticed, (on more-than-one occasion,) the story ending up taking a direction I hadn't actually planned on, forcing me to adapt it on the fly.
Huh, what do you know, it actually turned out to be a nice adventure fic, if a bit heavy on the angst... and the cults. Seriously, why are dozens of mad cults and strangers with complicated pasts saving the CMC while getting injured in the process the only plot devices adventure writers can think of nowadays?
Still, it was a fine read. Now comes the shitty part, i.e. waiting two to five years until it finishes in measly 5k bimonthly doses.
Celestia sounds more akin to a Kind Tyrant than anything Thought Police and all.
6178810
I was aiming for: 'over-protective mother that wants only the best for her children'.
Only that Celestia is rational about it. She knows exactly how the real world works and tempers her hopes with what is realistically achievable.
(Sending six unknown mares out to (hopefully) find the elements of harmony and then (hopefully) 'fix' her sister, wasn't realistically achievable. But this was family... sensible never even entered into it. If there was even a chance...)
Yes, I believe 'Kind Tyrant' works.
Just more
KIND... tyrant
6178921 Well that's interesting. What are you aiming for with Luna because eventually there would be some sort of clash of opinion between those two i would imagine.