Good, but try not to put this into the generic Vinyl X Octavia category

Hey hey hey, this is a pretty interesting story if I do say so myself. And let me be the first to point out that this is very well narrated! Honestly, my eyes were glued to the screen from the first word to the last. Of course, by doing that, I managed to catch a handful of mistakes you may want to clear out before this gets more views:

Tears in her eyes, Octavia turned on her heel and stalked away to her dormitory.

Your use of the word "stalk" does not make any sense here. May I suggest using a more suitable word like "stormed" or something similar? To "stalk" something means to follow or pursue, so it doesn't fit in with that you are trying to say in this sentence.

Just then a the door the her room opened and her roommate walked in.

This should say, "Just then, the door to her room opened and her roommate walked in." It's a minor typo but it had me scratching my head for a second.

Show them all you can do.

Trying say, "Show them what you can do." It sounds better.

Then I’ll do it, she thought firmly. If I have no other choice I’ll get help where I can, but until then, I’m on my own.

You are narrating the story in third person, but for some reason you use personal pronouns here. I understand you are trying to say what Vinyl is thinking. Use quotations or italics instead to show thoughts, that way the reader knows if something is happening or if a character is thinking it.

It seemed like the kind of place that a street bum might live, not that she actualley knew much about those sorts of things.

This one's pretty obvious. You misspelled "actually."

Mocha Latte made a noise of disgust as she adjusted her thick glasses square rimmed glasses that Octavia wasn’t one hundred percent certain were real.

You have one too many "glasses" in this sentence. Remove the first one, add a comma, and you're all good.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, let me get on with my thoughts. Like I said before, this is a very well written story. Everything seems to flow just fine. It's only the first chapter and already characters are having conflicts. That's good considering the chapter length (I'd say it's a little bit longer than average. Don't worry, this is a good thing). Personally, I've never been a fan of Octavia or Vinyl, but perhaps this story is starting to make me see things in a different way. I think this story will get better as it progresses and I'm very eager to find out how these two characters meet up. I'm also liking some of these OC's, especially the ponies who work for Golden Tooth. He seems like a pretty cool character, and having a secret organization moving about under the radar is always cool in any kind of story. As for Piano Forte, I think I like her as well. She plays a good role as the snobby mean girl that every school has. It's just the first chapter and I can already see that this story has a lot of potential.

I'm definitely going to be tracking this one. Nice job on the introduction. Just fix up the mistakes I stated and you'll be good to go. Hope this helps! Can't wait for the next update!

-Smash King24

PS. "Coltzart and Neighthoven." That had me laughing.

>>201833201833 Thanks for all the feedback! I'll fix those mistakes you mentioned. The thinking thing was because I originally wrote in it in Word and I forgot to reitallicize when i copied and pasted.. :) and feel free to keep being my editor in later chapters. I'm terrible about editing... I'm a writer, but I get really lazy about the editing.

Cheers!

Once again, very nice

nice looken good so far.

Ooooh fast update, just the way I like it.

Alright, let's get down to business. There were a lot less errors this chapter compared to last time, but I'll just put these down right here so you can clean 'em up:

“My lips are sealed. I can't to judge.”

"I can't to judge?" I have no idea what you are saying here, so you might want to fix this up right away.

It she didn't have these two ponies she didn't know what she'd do.

The "It" in this sentence should be an "If." Just a typo.

It was easier to get through the day if she hardened herself to to harassment and focused only on her studies.

Looks like you have two "to"'s in this sentence. May I suggest replacing both of them with "from the"?

The rumor may not hurt her career, but if she was actually that way... No matter how natural it was no amount of talent would save her in the eyes of the upperclass.

Put a comma in between "was" and "no." That's a minor punctuation error, but trust me, it will make that last sentence so much easier to read.

"Give them time Octavia. Give them time.

Put a comma in between "time" and "Octavia." Also, you forgot to put a closing quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

Done that, now let's get on to the story. This chapter was about as entertaining as the last chapter to say the least. It seems Vinyl and Octavia are both having their own personal problems growing up in contrasting areas of Equestria. This is the first fic I've read that features any kind of real drugs (besides smoking) so that was kind of... interesting. I can't imagine anypony snorting crack up their nose, but come what may, we're talking about a dirty part of the city. Strings and Titanium seem to have taken quite a liking to Vinyl. I have a feeling they may become temporary "parents" to her in the near future. It kind of reminds me of the movie "August Rush," where the young musician kid gets picked up by a performing street artist and lives in the slums with others his age. It's kind of cool, it's like a different part of the pony world that I never knew of. As for Octavia's side of the story, I kind of liked the part where she got beat up. Nothing wrong with a little action here and there. I really do feel bad for her though, I mean, with all the rumors and all. I was fortunate enough not to have any rumors spread about me in grade school or high school (well, I wasn't exactly popular back then so no one gave a flying hoot about me, which I didn't mind at all honestly), but I can see where Octavia is coming from when she hopes she can just lay low and let it all blow over her. The whole lesbian thing really went around fast. I'm not really sure who I feel sorry for the most though. On the one hand, we have Vinyl, who is living in the slums, yet she seems to make friends fast and find her own "family" amongst others who share her unfortunate predicament. On the other hand, we have Octavia, who, though she may be living the lifestyle of the rich and famous, is constantly bombarded with verbal torture and rumors. Not to mention she barely has any friends who care about her. A job well done on setting the scene I'd say. I'm very eager to find out what happens next.

One thing I noticed this chapter is that you introduced several other original ponies. I suggest, when introducing them, you give them names that will make it easy for the reader to remember what they look like. For example, if you wanted to bring in a new pony that was blue, had wavy white hair, and a teardrop cutie mark, you should give it a name like "Aqua" or something similar. That way, the reader won't have to memorize how you described them in  the first place, but will get a rough picture of what they look like every time their name is mentioned. There are several fic writers who have problems describing a bunch of OC ponies at once. Giving them names that the reader can associate with makes it a lot easier to understand, and it also keeps the flow going when reading in general.

Anyways, I think that about wraps up my review. Keep up the good work and I hope to see the next update very soon!

-Smash King24

>>203942203942 Thank you for being so helpful. That's a good tip about the OC's... I'll try to remember, though I don't think there are going to be very many more important, reoccurring OC's in the story... But I'll definitely remember that for future stories.

>>204307204307 Hey no problem, it's what I do.

I was suspecting gang rape... But assault is just as nice

(I'm kidding of course)

Death to Forte!

>>204637204637 haha! if there was going to be any gang rape (which there definitely won't be :/) it would be more logical to happen at Vinyl's end of the story.

>>204774204774 That is true.

Great chapter, I mean seriously brilliant. I can't wait to read more, although the whole "Dope" bit was a bit mental, especially considering the dancer had casual sex (I'm guessing that's what you were implying) with a 15 year old. And I thought dope was marijuana and you smoke it? Other than that it was awesome and I really want the next chapter to come out ASAP!

>>212679212679 "dope" is also a name for herion

aw, poor vinyl D:

anyways, great story so far

I honestly don't understand why this is any less than four and a half stars. There are some occasional typos, but your writing is superb. I can't wait to read more.

Don't you get anyone to proof read this?

She had hadn't heard anything from Red Hooves, Golden Tooth, or Ruby Brooch since that first night in Manehattan.

Later she would realize that she had behaved extremely recklessly that night, but in that moment her adrenaline kicked in and the drugs began to make her feel invisible again.

“I’d rather work for him that for Red Hooves.”

Whisperers said he did it out of pity, but Octavia new better because he had told her otherwise.

At night, however, while everypony slept, this thought about it.

Sure, it might a little unorthodox to give drugs as a birthday present, but she couldn't think of a better gift.

"Let's sneak into the corner of his joint and share that candy."

Vinyl snatched it up and help it to her chest, glowering at Strings like he'd just threatened to steal her firstborn.

She pulled a hypodermic needle out of he bag.

She was about the graduate from the Conservatory.

Now she was was in her final year, preparing her graduation piece to perform in front of the entire Academy, the parents of the graduates, and many members of prestigious music groups.

You have typos in all of those sentences. I don't feel like pointing them out, but I'm sure you will manage to fix them.

Anyway, great chapter as always. It's interesting seeing how Octavia and Vinyl are living and adapting to completely different environments. After a year, Vinyl has become a drug addict, while Octavia has graduated from her school. The contrast is kind of cool.

Near the beginning of the chapter, I was getting kind of confused with how Red Hooves "yanked" Vinyl into the alley. I mean, he doesn't have any hands, yet he is able to pin her again a wall and hold a knife to her throat? I don't know, it was kind of hard for me to picture that scene...

Speaking of Vinyl, I can really see the change that has been brought upon her. She feels depressed and lonely and the only way for her to feel better about herself (even for a little) is to get her "fix." It's sad to see that she doesn't want to accept Strings and Titanium as a second family due to issues with her past. They really do care about her. They even brought her into a night club and everything. And hey, wait a second, Vinyl made out with a dancer!? She's like 15! Wow, that was definitely unexpected. I guess you just like throwing some twists into the story to see how your readers will react. You sick f***.

I kid, I kid.

Ahem, moving on. Piano Forte got her just desserts and Octavia got recruited by two of the best orchestral musicians in Equestria. Sounds like a happy ending if you ask me. Now that I think about it, I've never heard a cello play by itself without any other instrumental accompaniment. I can only imagine it must have sounded beautiful. I'm hoping for Octavia to keep trying her best to succeed because she definitely deserves it after all the hard work she's been doing. And I hope Vinyl starts to feel better about herself.

Oh, and Vinyl has really red eyes now because of her drug addiction over the past year. I see what you did there...

Anyhow, nice update man. I have a feeling things are going to get a lot more interesting from here on in. Keep up the good work.

-Smash King24

>>218341218341 I proofread, but I miss a lot of things :/ I'm a pretty good writer, but I'm a terrible editor... and I'm awful about typos because my brain works at, like, a thousand miles an hour and I get ahead of myself and type the wrong word...

Good job kinda sad seeing Vinyl as an addict though.

>>221462221462 Well, if it makes you sad then I'm doing my job :P Don't worry too much... She'll be fine.

>>221820221820 "Don't worry too much... She'll be fine. "

Image: http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/11/6/129020280831470237.jpg

Hard not to like this. Its nice to see an original take on scratchtavia. Better than anything I could come up with

Nice job this chapter, I felt like I was right there with Vinyl and Octavia!

There weren't that many grammar errors this chapter, so congrats! I'm having a bit of difficulty typing this out because I'm in the middle of a class right now and I should be paying attention, but nope, I'm reading pony fics. Haters gonna hate. And some of the keys on my keyboard are a bit sticky from spilt energy drink, so I'll try to make this brief.

I'm glad to finally FINALLY see Vinyl and Octavia meeting each other for the first time! It was kind of cool how you kept switching perspectives between the two ponies when they were interacting with each other. They have such contrasting personalities, it only makes it all the more entertaining to read! Vinyl can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but I suppose that can't be helped with the way she was raised. And Octavia is pretty tolerant of her in that matter. She's also very persistent in trying to establish this friendship with her. I knew Vinyl would go to that concert because (I think) she also sees that "connection" between herself and Oct, though she hates to admit it.

Anyways, great update, a lot of stuff happened this chapter. I can't wait to see how Vinyl adjusts to the upper class Canterlot life. Keep up the great work!

And on a side note, I'm really surprised how fast this story is moving. You've updated three times in the past week, which is very fast compared to most fanfic writers, who update maybe about once a week at the most. So good job in that department. You are either a very fast writer, or you had this story all planned out in the beginning and you are uploading each chapter back to back.

-Smash

>>221820221820 YAY I was kinda scared

>>227171227171 I've been working on this story for a while, so I actually have a lot written and I'm just trying to space out my posts so it's not overwhelming.

It also helps that I am currently unemployed and not starting school up again until the fall...

>>225089225089 Thanks! I try to be different :)

>>227579227579Oh......... Well bad for you but good for us think about releasing an update every day?hmmmm?

>>228225228225 I think that replied to the wrong post... >.< mine, not yours...

>>229028229028 kk

I have the same problem with word myself it just comes out goofy, and I know what it's like trying to micromanage every mistake, still a very good story so far keep up the good work

Well, most of the grammar was in check this time around again, so nice job. However, there was one line that I had to kind of reread again. And again. And again...

Octavia smiled as Vinyl continued to talk, gesturing her hands enthusiastically.

Gesturing her hands.

Her hands.

HANDS.

Did I miss something here? Since when did Octavia have HANDS? I'm just kidding, I know it's just a typo, but still, it's kind of funny. Ponies with hands, yeesh, that'll be the day.

Um, anyways, this was kind of a  fun chapter to read. Again, the interactions you make between Vinyl and Oct are entertaining, yet we learn so much about their personalities with them being together. It's nice to see Vinyl opening herself up to her new friend, something that we haven't really seen in the story yet. And on that note, let me also say that she might have gotten a little too friendly with Octavia. I mean, she's only known her for like what, a day? And already she's come out to her as if they've known each other all this time. I don't know about you, but it would take me a lot longer than that to come out to someone I've only known for such a short time. And at that part, I knew Octavia was going to make that connection with her from her experiences with being bullied. That kind of sucks. Well, I don't know (or I don't think I know) any lesbians IRL, but I'm not sure if they would be that open about it like that. I mean, they would act the same way as gay guys wouldn't they? Vinyl just seems a bit too comfortable with other females, "babe." I'm gonna cross my fingers for a "Vinyl rapes Octavia" chapter. Nah, just kidding! (That would probably ruin this amazing story).

Moving on, I'm very curious to see how Vinyl will react to the dramatic change in her environment. She will be moving from a crummy cardboard box to an actual house and bed with a roof over her head. I'm expecting Octavia to teach her the fine Canterlot ways and mannerisms (like how Applejack's relatives tried to teach her how to be lady-like in the "Cutie Mark Chronicles"). I'm actually surprised Vinyl didn't mention anything about her crack addiction. How will she survive without it? Hopefully, Octavia made the right choice bringing her home with her. I have a feeling though that something is going to happen next chapter where Vinyl will end up doing something nice for her or saving her life somehow in one way or another. Just a guess, I'm looking forward to the next update.

Anyway, great job as always. Keep up the updates bro, they really make my evenings.

-Smash

And then they FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- called room service...

>>234210234210 I thought it was Vinyl?

>>234210234210 OOOPSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! WILL FIX

Is it bad that ive been laughing my ass off at vinyls part of the story? I just find to so funny when drugs get thrown into the MLP universe lulz.

>>240198240198 umm... kind of... but that's ok. As long as you're enjoying yourself.

ooooo looks like fun this is good continue plzzzz

TO be fair, I like this story. Interesting way to portray it. And a lot less innocent, which is nice. Plus, when you leave a train, you DISEMBARK. Deboard i'm not sure is a word. And Conceded* near the end of the argument.

>>270621270621 I asked my Dad when I wrote that. He said it was deboard. I thought disembark too, but he said that's what the train does when it leave the station, not what it does when you get off of it.

Very nice chapter this time around, although not nearly as long as the previous.

It's good to see you are keeping your grammar in check. It really makes the reading a lot easier without having to stumble through words or trying to figure out what you were trying to say. I guess I really don't have much to say this time around, unfortunately. I will admit, this chapter was very entertaining. As I've said before, I love the interactions you make between Vinyl and Octavia because of their completely contrasting personalities. I do, however, have one question about the "scissors" part. How do ponies hold scissors in their hooves? I'm guessing it's like those kind that have a strap on them or something, but I'm not entirely sure anyways. That part was kind of hard to picture but whatever, your writing style and the way to detail things makes up for it and lets me overlook it. I wonder what's going to happen in the morning and how Vinyl adapts to the high society life in Canterlot? I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. Keep up the god work.

Oh, have you considered posting this story to Equestria Daily? Just a thought, but I think it would receive some real positive feedback there.

-Smash

>>272603272603 She was using her magic. But honestly, how do ponies play pianos or cellos without fingers? -alien hands-

Muffins"

yeah, it was shorter this time because I had more in it, but then I decided that it needed a chapter break. :)

I don't know about the Equestria Daily thing. I worry about people being judgmental of my headcanons.

>>272861272861 in a community whose motto is "love and tolerance" I doubt you would get flamed, but no big deal, I just thought it might help in giving this fix more publicity.

>>273932273932 I'll think about it :)

This is one of my favorite stories on the site.

>>275150275150 awww, thanks! that's really sweet! :)

My only complaint is how long it is between chapters

>>276007276007 Sorry about that... I got caught up in role playing and forgot to post. I'll try to be more regular with my posts.

You have the kind of writing I can only dream of having it's captivating and awesome!  This story leaves me craving more to the point of begging for it not to end just yet.   Great job I defiantly look forward to the next update

>>276628276628 Thanks! That really means a lot to me!

FIRST!!!