Shepherd and Twilight are cleaning up the library, which is blackened and crispy. Shepherd is less than amused.

Shepherd: "So... She set fire to the palace. Again."

Twilight: "YES! Yes, she set fire to the palace. Again. I'm trying to teach her that magic isn't the solution to every problem in life!"

Shepherd: "What was the problem that involved setting fire to everything?"

Read More

*At a special ceremony in Canterlot... Andrew stands nervously. Rarity fusses over his outfit while the other Mares wait with smiles*

Twilight: This is so incredible! Actually being awarded by the Princess herself! I'm so excited!

Pinkie: Me too! Do you think the medal will be made of chocolate?

Twilight: Wha-Why would it be made of chocolate?

Pinkie: Because that would be awesome! AND delicious!

Read More

Finally he asks...

Shepherd: "I don't get it! I'm a big, goofy alien! How am I so attractive to ponies?"

Twilight: "Well, aside from your kind and stupidly heroic personality-"

Shepherd: "Not just stupidly heroic, hmph."

Twilight: "The fact you can scratch, scritch, massage, caress and cuddle us in ways no stallion ever could also helps a lot."

Pinkie: "Also your skin tastes like salt!" *Licks him* "Mmmm... A mare could get drunk off you!"

Read More

During Shepherd's birthday party...

Shepherd: ... Ya know, I thought you and I dating was the best thing ever... And now, it is entirely justified.

Twilight: *Beams as she presents... A fully restored Delorean* Happy Birthday, Andrew!

Shepherd: Oh my God... Where did you find her? She's gorgeous!

Twilight: I found it in the human archives. After reading books on automobile repair, I had to try it out! And I made several improvements.

Read More

New Job 1: Personal Trainer

Shepherd: "All right, you did great today Dash! Five hundred times through the cloud course!"

Dash: "Haa, haa, haa, yeah! I know I'm awesome!"

Shepherd: "But you're straining your wings too much in the last hundred laps. Keeping things steady and consistent makes it smooth. Smooth means fast."

Dash: "Hmph! I push myself as hard as I can all the time!"

Read More

Starlight and Shepherd are sitting in Twilight's castle. Glaring at one another. Twilight is sitting between them, smiling awkwardly.

Twilight: "Well... Um... Shepherd, as you know, we're going to be having another Friendship Intern-"

Shepherd: "No."

Twilight: "Shepherd, please-"

Shepherd: "No."

Twilight: "We need to teach her the magic of friendship."

Shepherd: "She needs to be shot and left to be eaten by maggots."

Read More

A few days after Shepherd helps Sunburst and Starlight Glimmer...Sunburst tries to sneak out of the castle... His robes in tatters, looking exhausted. He tries to tiphoof past Shepherd, who was sitting and reading a book with Fluttershy in his lap.

Sunburst: *Looks at them desperately* "Shhh...!"

Shepherd: *Nods, turns the page*

Sunburst: *Tiphoofs right to the front doors, opens them... And...*

Read More

*Sunburst and Starlight have their issues... And Shepherd is asked to help out*

Shepherd: *Guides Sunburst away* "Okay, look, bud: Let's get a beer-Or hard cider-and talk about this, okay?"

Sunburst: "But-But alcohol can cause brain damage-"

Shepherd: "Oh my God, is this what I was like before I came to Equestria? Holy shit, you really need some booze!"

Later, at a bar...

Read More

I have to admit, a lot of ideas I have for further Hands adventures after "The Cutie Remark" are mainly Shepherd reacting to stupid ideas.

Twilight: "Okay everypony: We are going to start... A Friendship School!"

Shepherd: "Okay... How big will this school be?"

Twilight: "A full on friendship academy! As many students as we can have!"

Shepherd: "Okay... And you'll be teaching, er, Friendship?"

Read More

- - - - - -

"Ah, this is perfect," Twilight said softly, as we gazed up at the sky. The night had fallen, and I had a cup of hot cocoa in my hands. I smiled and looked over at her.

"It is, huh?" I said. "Just us... And the stars above."

Read More

I'm back:

https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/mlp-fim-si-hands-revived.551162/

Operation Muffin Eater...

Read More

A tag for The Cutie Remark:

- - - -

Andrew: So... All those crazy timelines... All those alternate... Might have beens... How bad did they get?

Twilight: *Winces* Some of them got really... Intense.

Andrew: We don't have to talk about-

Twilight: No, no... It's all right. I just... I saw a lot of things I wish I hadn't... Especially things happening to you.

Andrew: ... Such as...?

Read More

And now... A short bit from "The Cutie Map".

*Deep in the cave, Starlight Glimmer has stolen the cutie marks of the Mane Six and is cackling*

Starlight Glimmer: Hahahaha! Don't you see? You will all be equal! All be friends now!

Twilight: That... That's horrifying!

Shepherd: Ahem... Excuse me?

Starlight Glimmer: Oh, yes Ape?

Shepherd: You didn't take my cutie mark.

Dash: Wha? But Shepherd you don't have a-!

Read More

- - - - -

I approached the Fantasy Island sim, hands in my pockets. I stopped short, and raised my hand up briefly. It shook, and I withdrew it.

"Problem, Captain Monkeyshines?" Asked Discord. I started, and looked over my shoulder at the chaos god. I shrugged.

"Yeah..." I looked back at the field, at my subtle reflection in it. "Nightmares..."

"Hm..." Discord looked up at the star lit night with a nod. "I guessed that..." He chuckled. "So... What do you want to know?"

Read More

*Another day, and another attempt by the Caribou Empire to impose their rule onto Equestria... While Shepherd and Discord are playing a board game*

Discord: Roll for initiative!

Shepherd: That's not how the rules work-

Discord: They do now.

Shepherd: *sighs* Exactly why do I keep playing with you when you're just going to change the rules in mid-game?

Discord: Because you love me... And Fluttershy made me godfather of your child. I have godfather rights!

Read More

Damnit... I think I know what's wrong with Hands. The entire Rover plot just... ARGH! I feel like I've just been extending the story past it's natural end point. I just keep pushing it and pushing it due to fan demand! Now I know how Sir Arthur Conan Doyle felt... I mean, aside from being rich and famous.

So with that in mind, I'm thinking of just excising the whole thing... Unfortunately all that comes to mind are short parodies of other, shitty MLP fics:

For example...

- - - - -

Read More

Want more of my fanfic "Hands"? Well, it's taking a while for me to write it again due to my demanding new job. But the DoomPieNetwork has got you covered: Reading and recording the story with a new voice actor, new effects! And same lack of care you've come to expect from my stories.

In the meantime, let's see if I can make Shepherd selling insurance interesting...

Thanks to the extremely talented Wolfiewonk90!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLI4gZQkQr4JjezdfKFkYIhUXPo2mZxup6

Give him props and danke!

Took me a while, but I finally finished the updates! The definitive Chapter Twenty-Eight is up and running now! Go check it out and tell me what you think!