EThe very next day

• MLP: FiM
• Sad
• Slice of Life

Hearthswarming, a day filled with love, laughter and friendships, so the day after why was Marble crying?

• Pinkie
• Limestone Pie
• Marble Pie

Nailah · 1.1k words  ·  43  1 · 901 views

The very next day by Nailah is the last story to be commented in this second edition to answer requests for comments…for now. It has been a while, but I need to finish this once and for all!

Summary

Choices are hard, especially when there are significant emotional consequences at play. This story showcases the time when Big Mac chose Sugarbelle instead of Marble, and the impact of his decision on Marble Pie.

Content

As I read the story, I could feel the emotions of Marble Pie running through me with a great level of authenticity, thanks to subtle facial expressions and movements characterised together with a good development of dialogue and her thoughts that must have came through into her mind. I could feel that pain; that agony almost, when she realised that Big Mac didn’t want her to be his special somepony. As Limestone Pie came to console her sister, the dialogue still came with great development that was similarly replicated to a fantastic level of characterisation and emotion as prior. It is most interesting that the author considered how they were rocks who were supposed to be tough and emotionless, yet they were buckling at the emotional strain of the events that transpired the day before. This is a nice contrast that helped to bring out the level of heartache experienced by them. Even though I feel that this could have been explored further, perhaps into the development of how tough they were as rocks emotionally rather than simply stating the fact, the overall execution was, by and large, convincing in my eyes. And my eyes were almost seeping with emotion.

Additionally, the author builds the scene with an apt use of qualifiers to help show the extent, level and emphasis of the actions, emotions and thoughts throughout the story which uplifted that connection the reader would have with the characters in the story. And this must be commended.

I presume that this story was put together in almost a frenzy, but I felt that some aspects, notwithstanding with one I stated above, could be explored into a greater depth. The author seems to favour stating the position and the persona as a fact, which is absolutely understandable in the context of a speedwrite, though I am certain that the story would be even better if some aspect were built up more, such as the justification Limestone gave to herself for calling out Marble’s humming harshly.

The next section of the story written by the author seeks to showcase the fact that Pinkie Pie was part of Marble’s family and that she truly and genuinely loved her. While I felt that it was a gratifying, passively uplifting ending to help Marble understand that she still had a sense of belonging to her family and could still capture love from there, I wonder whether the conclusion was rushed. And this brings me to…

Flow

While the first aspect of the story pertaining to Limestone and Marble’s conversations was aptly regulated in terms of pacing, the second aspect involving Pinkie Pie was slightly rushed in my opinion. For example, consider –

“That’s sweet of you, Pinkie. It’s always nice to see you. Do you love me?”

Granted, Marble might be anxious to know the truth whether Pinkie Pie actually loved her as family especially as a form of much-needed affirmation, though I would have thought that she would almost be hesitating to ask this salient question in such an abrupt manner. This is particularly so since she greeted her sister instinctively, as though it was in her nature to do so. Perhaps a short interlude to splice the ideas in a more distinctive manner would help to bring the events through in a more convincing manner and introduce a level of discomfort in her inquiry would help.

Furthermore, the revelation that Marble had after considering the points that her family still loved her was quite convenient in my eyes. Perhaps a greater development to draw the logical, mental connections in her mind, plus the build-up of that moment of realisation would be better to help bring the story through. This is crucial, since it builds to the conclusion at the end.

Language

Language errors were fairly scarce. Come, let’s check out some of the recommendations that I would like to propose to the author in the appropriate sub-sections.

Syntax

She knew she’d be sad for quite awhile.

She knew she’d be sad for quite a while.

Marble felt at home, she was where she belonged.

Marble felt at home, for this was where she belonged.

Marble felt at home(;) she was where she belonged.

Spelling

“Thanks sis. I can always count on you to be my rock.” said Marble as she finally left go of her sister.

“Thanks sis. I can always count on you to be my rock.” said Marble as she finally let go of her sister.

Stance

This is a moving read that I definitely enjoyed. To improve, the author could consider the flow of events to enhance the plot and enchant the reader with the emotions inspired; do check my comments above. And yes, you are always welcome to ask if you are in doubt.

Content/Plot: 7.8/10
Flow/Communication: 6/10
Language/Readability: 6.8/10
Overall: 6.9/10