Story Synopsis: Tirek had planned to make this the best Hearth's Warming gift that Spike, Angel, Gabby, Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle had ever recieved. But they aren't the only ones getting a surprise…

Initial Thoughts: That “recieved” is as you read it. That will definitely need correcting. This seems to be a standard Slice of Life story, though I was surprised to see Tirek, of all characters, apparently taking the role of hero. Based on the MLP: Comic tag, I might assume that has something to do with his portrayal in that medium, though I confess ignorance in that regard. The author notes that this story has plot elements from a future story, but hopes it will stand on its own. We shall see. 

Post-reading: It’s always interesting to see a writer’s alternate take on a character. To the extent that it’s believable is part of the process, though.

Summary: It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve, and Tirek, now redeemed, wants to express his gratitude towards Spike, Gabby, Angel, and the Crusaders. He presents his gift last, which is a series of photos—the most important being photos of all them together, and of old friends. 

What Works: 

Quite generally, the characterization of the side characters was more-or-less spot on. While Applebloom’s accent was a bit too exaggerated (substituting “ah” for the indefinite article “a” isn’t reflective of the accent, truly speaking), the Crusaders did act their part. Gabby and Spike kept their general characterizations also true, the former being bubbly and excited, the latter being a bit more level-headed. Tirek and Angel’s characterizations felt a bit more dubious with their justification—I assume, however, that this is the fault of 1) it being an alternate universe, and 2) it being derived from plot elements of a future story. As such, it’s impossible for me to cast judgement on their portrayal, so for now I’d say they’re good as is.

What Might Need Work:

I’ll start off with the smaller things. Punctuation and grammar cut a mean swath through this story almost immediately, as I saw plenty of issues with dialogue formatting and keeping tenses. Here are two:

Tirek silently cursed under his breath, “Yeah, sure. I’ll get them.”

“Yes!” Gabby exclaimed, “This is my first one and I’m so excited!”

In the first quote, I would argue that the comma after “breath” is wrong, and would replace it with a period. My reasoning is as follows: by making it end with a comma, it implies that the dialogue tag consists of the whole “Tirek silently cursed under his breath”, rather than a complete and separate action from the dialogue itself. The comma also implies simultaneous reaction, which I’m almost certain the author doesn’t mean.

In the second quote, you would either need to lower the case of “This”, or change the comma after “exclaimed” into a period. This is just to keep in line with standard dialogue rules. 

As stated above, “received” is spelled wrong in the description, and the title of the only chapter is misspelled as well (“Heath’s” as opposed to “Hearth’s”).

We can move beyond grammar and punctuation to focus now on some more pressing issues. Namely, the pacing. The story moved quickly, which on its own wouldn’t be so bad, but because of the Drama tag, a slower movement would be necessary to provide that dramatic oomph. As a result, the climactic moment of the story, where Tirek actually hands out the present that would make this Hearth’s Warming Eve the most memorable for the gathered gang, falls short of its intended effect.

To further this claim, and to provide structural analysis, I want to turn the author’s attention to this one other particular moment, when Apple Bloom receives her gift from Gabby:

"Ah am! Ah am!" Applebloom shouted, as she tried to open her gift. "There! Now ma gift is...is..."

Applebloom stared at her gift, a orange ribbon with white polka dots, and began to tear up.

Gabby froze, "...Do you not like it?"

Scootaloo looked like she wanted to say something, but was interrupted by Applebloom.

"Ah do, it's just... Ah just guess Ah'm not over it like Ah thought Ah was."

"I don't think this is something you can get over, Applebloom." Sweetie said, softly.

"Ah know, but Ah thought it wouldn't hurt this bad."

An uncomfortable silence hung in the room, only interrupted by Scootaloo.

"Ok, sentimental value aside, why a ribbon?"

Here, we get an instance of conflict. It’s between Apple Bloom and Gabby, and it’s because of the gift. That creates drama—it makes the moment dramatic. But Scootaloo scoots in and breezes over the issue, almost coldly, and the drama fades way too quickly away. 

Here we have an example of consequences not being explored to their fullest extent. The story takes the easy route and does not further its own indications. This is one instance, but the gift-giving session as a whole suffers from the same problem. And so does the story as a whole, since the crux of it revolves around this session. 

My point is that not enough time is given to flesh out the conflict of the story. If the conflict is that Tirek wants to make this Eve memorable, then we need to see why that matters to him and how he goes about making it memorable. The gift-giving itself is the resolution to that conflict, but there’s nothing preceding it. The structure of the drama falls because of this shortcut, and the pacing becomes this rapid, jumpy example. 

I also got the sense that the story was relying on elements that only the author knew—that’s confirmed by the author’s note under the synopsis, yes, but the problem is that these elements aren’t expanded upon or explored beyond a mention or two. Granny Smith is dead, presumably, but that gets breezed over, as already mentioned. There’s some sort of sentiment with what Spike gives to Sweetie Belle, i.e., that Rarity doll, but the significance, while it’s clear to the characters, isn’t clear to the reader. Why does Sweetie Belle cry over it is the pressing question.

This element of Why is part of my main issue with the premise of the story. I understand this is a short exploration of an alternate universe, but Why does Tirek care is never fully explained. There are implications of his reform, but there’s no conflict there, nothing to suggest his character has gone through a transformation. It’s said, and we’re expected to believe that, but Tirek here acts as though little shadow of his former self remains. Certainly, that might be true in the lore of the story, but the reader who knows Tirek is left confused about his reformation as a whole. The story is mysterious in this way, but this mysterious nature works against its premise. 

Somehow this has something to do with Scorpan, or at least that’s what I’m left assuming, since the story ends with Tirek opening up a letter from Scorpan—the gift for himself, as it were. But even that is mysterious, vague and ambiguous as the reformation itself. Yet, there’s an opening for possibly more character development for Tirek, when he says this:

"I don't to have a brother like you." Tirek sighed. "No, you don't deserve a brother like me."

This reflects something said early on in the story:

“I know, it’s just…” Tirek hung his head.

Spike sighed. “Tirek, we already forgave you. You know that.”

“I know you all forgave me, and I appreciate it. I honestly do. It’s just that, that…”

“You can’t forgive yourself.” Gabby finished for him. “You feel you don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

Another hint, another indication, another implication… but not an exploration. 

For the story to work from the very beginning, the reader and the author must operate under the assumption that Tirek has been fully reformed. But these hints don’t justify that reformation. They simply suggest that there wasn’t a belief that more time would be allotted to discovering how that reformation came about or why it took place—or even why it’s Gabby, Spike, Angel, and the Crusaders who have befriended Tirek in the first place. Clearly these characters have something to do with his reformation, which I assume Concordius would want to explore in a different story, but since their portrayal here is so crucial to this story, that lack of knowledge weakens the plot as a whole.

So it comes down to these main issues: pacing, a lack of fully-explored consequences, and hidden information working against the story. 

The story needs more. It felt too short, and for its shortness, all these problems cropped up. But a slower, more meaningful approach to what Concordius wants to say with this story would help alleviate these problems. 

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Thank you for the feedback. I needed this back when I originally posted it. I plan to re-write the story sometime, so I'll keep this in mind.