This is where you can go to get help on stories you're working on. Note that it's distinct from the Brainstorming thread as the brainstorming thread is for back-and-forth generation and vetting of ideas, with no progress necessary; the Writer's Workshop will be for story ideas that you are actually working on and writing.

Well, I may as well be the one to put myself on the pedestal so I can be knocked down again.

Before I took a break, I was working on a "Brain Swap" story. Most of it is notes at this time, with some writing actually done. Still, may as well see how this all falls apart.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1726FFDCeV7xC2-9BEvwgzR8-RIXgdywfySehsyVKsJQ/edit

2564217
Right, I'm in, looking over, and will be commented on the GDocs as "Rogue Shadows," that being my Google name that LucasArts stole from me (admittedly to make a pretty sweet looking ship, though).

2564217 I remember this one. I still think it'd be better if they came clean about the swapping. But otherwise good idea.

2564217
Okay, so, first impression: its only flaw is that it's only in the planning stages. Otherwise you look like you've got a solid basis for a story, and apart from the few notes I made, everything seems good to go.

2564322

Yeah, but that's boring. But worry not, I'll justify it within the story.

2564348

now it falls to me to get off my ass and write it.

....fun.

2566995 It's not boring. It;s trite, overused and cliched up the wazoo.

2569583 Well some of the more fun episode of the show itself are about taking an old story idea and giving it a little spin while playing it all straight.

2569583
There's also the fact that if they're completely up-front about it...then there isn't really a story. They just go about their lives as normal until it wears off, then they're back to normal, and everything is normal, which is a waste of a body-swap premise.

It's fun to subvert in some cases, like with Lyra/Raindrops, but then you have to provide something to make up for it, like Lyra in Raindrops' room stumbling across her trashy romance novels. But you can't do that for all six, that would be repetitive.

I agree that they shouldn't all come clean. (I'm fine with none of them just admitting it, actually, except maybe Ditzy who probably would worry about 'fooling' others and might not want to do that.)

2569583

Cliche and overused? I'll give you that.
Boring and trite? Not on my watch. Give me some credit here.

Here's a little something I originally wrote for the Nightmare Night challenge but was never sure whether to publish (Obviously going to be non canon once you read it).

Cheerilee's School

Mostly here for people to pull apart my writing style. The biggest part I'd like to pole people about is the last few paragraphs and the plot twist, without them the story is a light comedy, with them, it's not...

2570126 There is a story. Their bodies are different, their talents/magic different. They might try the 'live in another's horseshoes' for the hell of it.

Hmm... maybe this will help my writers block on Half and Half... I need things for Lulamoon to be doing in Neigh Orleans while the others are trying to find her... Problem is the shenanigahns I imagine her getting into are somehow incredibly vague in my head and thus uninteresting when trying to put them into words...

2571887

They might try the 'live in another's horseshoes' for the hell of it.

Isn't that more or less the same problem that comes with them not telling anyone? They are still choosing to actively inconvenience themselves for no good reason.

2570596
I believe in Blackbelt.

2572881

Settling some old scores, deciding to rub her new fame and title in the face of some foal hood enemies?

"Well look if it isn't little Looloo all grown up, you still wet the bed?"
"That's Dame Trixie, Hero of Equestria to you peasant!"

Suitably petty for Trixie?

2570596
2573013 : I also believe in Blackbelt. :-)
2571290 : Personally, I'm not a big fan of it. To my tastes, the first part seems really overwrought (Cheerilee seemed OOC, basically), and the twist came from nowhere. Sorry. :-(

2573587 Hah nice one!

2572881 She should participate in a wet mane contest

2573903

Fair enough.

Is it the general idea of the plot? or do you think there is a better (funnier) way to portray an overly guilty Cheerilee.

The twist is supposed to come out of nowhere, it'd supposed to come as a 'joke' comparing Cheerilee feeling extreme guilt over killing a fish and then showing no guilt at all about killing a pony although I don't know if it works well, the other possible ending is her accidentally killing another fish or Trixie doing the same and starting to feel overwhelming guilt herself.

2570596
2573013

I believe in Harvey... I mean Blackbelt

2572947 The difference is they're not hiding the fact of the body switch!

And hey, I believe in Blackbelt too... but I have legit problems with it being kept secret.

2578805 I think it would be boring if everyone hides it or everyone is open about it. Variety ya know? I mean it's not like Raindrops in CT is actually hiding it, she's just going to be working on the farm where it's unlikely to come up.

2579679
This... it's not so much that the L6 are going out of there way to hide anything, they are just taking the path of least resistance. It's just plain easier let everypony else work under the presumption that everything is normal, which is easier than trying to actually explain the situation, especially since the problem is only temporary.

2571887

They might try the 'live in another's horseshoes' for the hell of it.

How's that even supposed to work without at least some degree of façade? If Trixie in Lyra's body goes around introducing herself as Trixie... well, actually first off everypony is going to think that Lyra is just nuts, but even assuming they believe her then they'll just treat her like Trixie not Lyra and so Trixie would still be walking in her own horseshoes.

2579731 Plus you're gonna get really bored of explaining the whole story over and over again.

2578805

The difference is they're not hiding the fact of the body switch!

There's no need to yell.

But back to my point, I'm afraid I don't see how it's less contrived for them to reveal the body switch and then try to pretend to be one another anyway. Yes it i less cliche, but I don't think it makes anymore sense from a behavioral perspective and not being cliche doesn't automatically make something good for a story.

As I also submitted this to the Cannon Quorum thread, so I also figured that I would submit it here as well to let everyone tear into it.

A Bushel of Carrots

All of the bolded bits are more my general notes and thoughts. Everyone *should* be able to add comments if you can access the link, so feel free to do so.

2580320 Well you need to find an opening gag Our episodes usually have a funny cold open bit. Though that's not a hard rule.

I don't think Twilight is really needed at that point in the story, I think it would be better if Carrot Top actually went through her grandmother's notes on the Everfree Forest instead.

I think the first day with the clone should go well enough, since Applejack is giving clear and direct instruction on what to do, but then the clone agrees to helping out a bunch of pony on her way back home, and Carrot Top also agreed to help out two more ponies... and so we slip into the serial cloning process with CT trying to teach her copies some basic knowledge, but then things go out of control.

I think at some point we could have actual Timberwolves attack? The line about those things never attacking Ponyville is just BEGGING to be echoed ironically by Timberwolves in Ponyville. If only so that we can establish the copies are actually very unstable and can be burst like a balloon when attacked with enough force, that way the Royal Guards could have someway of dealing with Corona's potential army of Mirror Copies. Disposable mooks are always a good bit for action scenes.

Resolution-wise, the only thing I got is that it shouldn't be a copy of the episode. I think Carrot Top could realize that the way to show she isn't one of the crazy extra Carrot Top is by refusing to help.

I don't think it will help much, but if you're looking for another 'cloning going amuck' story, you should look into the 'Double Dipper' episode of Disney's Gravity Falls. It's a fun episode with a unique spin on the clone story.

2580320
It's not actually cloning related, but at some point I think you should try working a quick reference to this episode of Reboot...

...as I find that particular chant captures the spirit of the overly helpful yet simultaneously inept Carrot-clones and contrasts nicely against the Pinkie-clones' chant of "Fun, fun, FUN!". It's hardly a mandate or anything though. Other than that, I'll just echo 2580655's opinions.

2580320

I think we need to sort out how smart the clones are.

The Pinkie clones seemed fairly mindless but if the Carrot Clones are supposed to help ponies even poorly then they need to have more smarts which of course leads us to the problem of getting rid of them all.

For some suggestions for other things ponies could ask for help with either before or after the clones, particularly the other mane-6
Ditzy - Somepony to baby sit Dinky.
Cheerilee - A nature walk for the foals (if carried out by a clone, maybe it could identify everything from an oak to a rabbit as being a carrot).
Raindrops - Maybe babysit Snails (her parents are out of town and she had a date (for extra comedy she doesn't want to say she had a date))
Trixie / Pokey - Paperwork (a clone might just tick every box on a form or something)
Lyra - Help Bon Bon with making sweets (could lead to a baked bads situation)
Mayor - A test audience for a speech
Berry - A taste tester for a cocktail (might link into a way of getting rid of the clones)

Getting rid of the clones by herding them into the pool sounds good but for something more zany maybe some potion or type of food / drink maybe something that Carrot Top herself doesn't like so she doesn't want to be dosed with it (alternatively maybe Carrot Juice for irony). If linked with Berry she might think she killed Carrot Top when a cocktail she made makes her melt and goes to her sister to confess her 'murder' which is how the 6 find out how to get rid of the clones.

2580655

I am all for suggestions on an amusing opening joke. Humor is something that I don't always have the easiest time with. The bit with Twilight yelling about needing to follow proper procedure on actually checking the book out was a bit of an attempt of a joke.

Good point on things going well with Applejack first though. I wasn't entirely sure how I was gonna have that play out.

I was planning on having timberwolves attack at some point. I was kind of picturing that scene as Ponyville kind of coming together in it's defence, while dealing with the "helpful" clones rushing all about.

I like that bit about Carrot Top refusing to help though. I like that one a lot. *totally steals it*

2580736 Oh my gosh! I forgot about that idea! That would be HILARIOUS!

2580736

Now there's a nostalgia bomb you dropped up in here, EB! I am totally going to use that.

2581038
Based on the show, the Pinkie-clones seemed to be of at least near-average intelligence. It was never really that they were "stupid", rather more so that they just had an entirely one-track mind. In the case of the Carrot-clones, the chief problem might end up being that they end up taking things overly literal and/or "helping" in ways that only superficially make sense, but don't real work in any kind of practical context.

2581142
Glad to be of help then.

Oh my god guys! We totally need to have an excuse to use these!

I'll have Sweet Wheat/Noi talk in Beatnik slang! I wonder if I can find more exemples!

2581142 : There's a brief flashback to the 'Bushel of Carrots' episode in 'Concert for Ponyville' (we sometimes write stories out of order) as well. Feel free to look at that; I think it works well as a scene after the Carrots get totally out of control.

2583142

Huh. I must have missed that bit when I read that fic. Thanks for the heads up.

The excerpt is:

"Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!"

Trixie stared as a mob of Carrot Tops ran down the main street of Ponyville, grinning like fools and repeating the same word over and over again. Ponies broke and scattered as they trampled everything before them, leaving destruction in their wake.

"I... think we might need to cancel our weekend plans," Trixie told Ditzy as the dozens of Carrot Tops bore down on them.

But if you want, I can change that in Concert; it's not that important that it be exactly as it is now. (The scene is where CT is reassuring Trixie that she screws up too).

2583522 2583234
Or for that matter the scene doesn't actually have to be in both fics. Sometimes the nifty thing about a flashback is getting to see something that was happening elsewhere in an earlier episode.

Very true.

Let's see where I take a Bushel of Carrots before we worry about changing anything in Concert. I do have a decent number of fics that I'm working on writing right now.

2581111 I had an idea for the resolution...instead of one single way to capture the stray Clone Tops (Copy Tops?), maybe the ending could devolve into Looney Toons level antics with the L6 doning fake mustaches and tricking the clones into 'helping' that would inevitably result in their capture. The mustaches would be completely pointless because they're not clever enough to consider a trap, but would be funny.

2583850 2583715
Mustaches might be a bit much (that's more a pinkie thing), but I could still see other costume gags working. Like dressing up as a carnival game barker running a faux dunking booth built over the pond.

Ok, I'm not sure if this is the place to post this but there were a couple of things I just wanted to check about my story "Title Match"

Firstly, it was discussed that Galeb be an equestrian version Cajun or Creole since he was from Niegh Orleans. As much as I would love to have more diversity in my characters, I know next to nothing about Creoles aside from what I found on Wikipedia and my experience Cajuns starts with Gambit the mutant and ends with Ray the firefly. Now I'm more concerned on making him an interesting character than making him fit in any particular ethnic group but any suggestion on giving him more of a Niegh Orleans feel is welcome.

Secondly is just a couple of things I wanted to run by the group in regards to what Neigh Orleans Voodoo can do. Now in my head an average Neigh Orleans Voodoo spell is one part magic, one part ingredients and as many parts smoke and mirrors as required. Because of this I don't feel as if it would have the same amount of hard limitations as with Unicorns about what a practitioner can or can't do.
Now right off the bat I'm just going to say that I'm not going to do Voodoo dolls, as iconic as they are, having them exist raises question of why Galeb is going through this whole scheme when he could just make a doll of Trixie and get his revenge that way.

The main idea I wanted to check whether or not it would still fit in the Lunaverse was the use of Voodoo for mood manipulation. Just to be clear, this isn't mind control or even at the level of the intoxication spell. Its about taking the mood a pony is in and augmenting it in a way that gets the desired effect. Basically its like a con or sales pitch, only in magical form. It can't make a pony do an emotional 180 and it loses it power if the target is aware of what is happening.

2583522

You could turn around that quote, the Carrots could be offering help to ponies or they could be running away from some Timberwolves and asking for help or they could have been sent to get help for something.

2584457

Oh, the mood manipulation thing could be very bad for Raindrops, she's always somewhat angry if it just heightens whatever emotion you're already feeling then that could cause her to go berserk.

With the Voodoo thing are you going to have Galeb or anyone else being ridden by loa? i.e. possessed by a spirit either as an actual real thing or as an explanation as to why his magic is working (smoke and mirrors i.e. he is possessed by a loa rather than I just spiked his drink.).

2584457

The main idea I wanted to check whether or not it would still fit in the Lunaverse was the use of Voodoo for mood manipulation. Just to be clear, this isn't mind control or even at the level of the intoxication spell. Its about taking the mood a pony is in and augmenting it in a way that gets the desired effect. Basically its like a con or sales pitch, only in magical form. It can't make a pony do an emotional 180 and it loses it power if the target is aware of what is happening.

Seems fine. It might also be a good idea to make it a form of, for lack of a better term, bad luck o' mancy.

Firstly, it was discussed that Galeb be an equestrian version Cajun or Creole since he was from Niegh Orleans. As much as I would love to have more diversity in my characters, I know next to nothing about Creoles aside from what I found on Wikipedia and my experience Cajuns starts with Gambit the mutant and ends with Ray the firefly.

That pretty much sums up my own experience, though you can add in having seen Live and Let Die to that.

Now I'm more concerned on making him an interesting character than making him fit in any particular ethnic group but any suggestion on giving him more of a Niegh Orleans feel is welcome.

Well, peppering everything he says with stuff from a cajun phrase list might help. this might also be useful.

Using mais ("well") at the start might especially help.

The following pronounceation guide for how things are said in cajun might help as well:

Matthew: Ma-chew
Lydia: Lay-ja
Raphael: Ray-feel
Alida: Ah-lee-da
Richard: Re-shard
Granger: Gron-jay
Hollier: Ol-yay
Hebert: A-bear

Here's a couple lines of Handsome Gambit's (Trixie's biological dad) dialogue from a rough draft I did of him meeting Trixie for the first time:

“Ga lee,” the stallion exclaimed as he set his eyes on Trixie, stamping one hoof. “You done grown up, shâ. Last Ah seen you, you weren’t nothing but une petite peeshwank.”

“Mais, that one’s on me,” the stallion said, looking to Pokey. “Ah tol’ him mah name, shâ, but he let me in on account o’ the other thing Ah tell him.” The stallion drew himself up to his full height, looking back to Trixie. “Shâ, mah name is Handsome Gambit. Je suis ton père, et vous, tu es ma fille.”

2585776

That might actually get a bit dark depending on how smart they're shown to be. If they appear to be basically robotic drones with no real personality apart from following orders then you can probably off them by the dozen. But if they show some actual personality then things get a bit trickier unless you can prove their not being killed, just sent somewhere else.

2585935
The clones have "personality", but it isn't really their own, just an imprint from the original. At the end of the day and for all they might act like real, if simpleminded ponies, the clones are just animate constructs made of water. They never really "die", as they were never really "alive" in the first place. They have no wants, desires, or even a real sense of self-identity beyond a pale facsimile of the original. Moreover still, the water itself just inevitably goes back to the Mirror Pond to become the blank slate from which another clone can be "born".

2586503
2586492

That's fine as long as there's nothing that makes it look like the team committed mass murder (Or mass suicide in the case of Carrot Top, a rather unique occurrence).

Maybe there could be a reference to Luna creating her own clones, Carrot Top commenting that she's taken a step to princesshood or something.

2586678
I don't know if we have to go out of our way to explicitly spell out that "killing" the clones doesn't count; the actual episode we're basing this on didn't.

More so, we just need to avoid EVER presenting the narrative from the clone's perspective or otherwise implying that they even have a perspective in the first place, and above all else there should be absolutely no kind of Cloning Blues… unless it was from the actual genuine Carrot Top herself having similar introspective doubts as Pinkie Pie in the aforementioned episode.

2586808

I agree with EB on this one. A story like this can go from light hearted wackyness to dark and brutal existential crisis about the nature of existence without really trying.

Heck, the original episode we're basing this story on was controversial as hell by my memory. I can still bits of fan art and writing on DeviantArt that de-construct that episode to various means, including the idea that the wrong Pinkie Pie was sent back to the pool.

I'd like to avoid that when I write this.