Lots and lots of big fucking words in a sentence.

622723

Buck. I swear to God, during fictions that they replace the F-word with buck, I want to punch the author in the face. Especially during a Teen/Mature fiction. Or during a steamy scene.

IE:

A mare yells "Buck me!" I expect the stallion to turn around, lift up his legs, boot her in the face, and walk out like nothing happened. She wanted it.

A general thing: being too vague. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this myself from time to time, but as a rule of thumb, be as specific as possible.

On a related note, make sure you actually know what a word means before you use it. Using high-falutin' vocabulary correctly might make you out as a poser; using it incorrectly will mark you as a wannabe.

622731
that may actually work as a one shot ^^

Discord: I'm baaaack!

Celestia: YOU MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN COCKSUCKING BASTARD SON OF A WHORE!!!

I can't stand the word "bucking" used as a swear. It usually sounds very forced, even if you replace it with the actual word. It's kind of a personal peeve of mine.

EDIT: And, as I was trying to think of an example and couldn't come up with one, 622731 posts the same thing. Good to know I'm not the only one.

622731 I have to agree to an extent. It all depends on what the author is going for honestly. Maybe they're just trying to keep the story in proper context to the world they are building that's all.

I find that any derivative of the word "person" sounds a little odd since "pony" is usually used instead of "person". But you can't talk about "ponysonified" (personified) or any such words. The same goes for words involving "hand" such as "handicapped"

622723 Any word choice that breaks character (unless there's a reason for it). The princesses cussing is a good example, but if you have Dash speaking like a scholar or Twi speaking "all gangsta" or whatever, it just doesn't work.

622737

I was actually thinking about doing it.

622746

You could use 'lamed'. Means basically the same thing.

Oh boy.
Just a few:
Arms - I shudder when I see this - they're forelegs, damnit.
Handled - I realize they use this in the canon, but ponies don't have hands, and that's the part of the (human) anatomy this word was derived from.
Pinkie's hair straightening out when she's upset about anything - This happened once in the show, yet it's a common enough trope in fan work that it'll happen for pretty much any reason, up to and including being yelled at or missing a meal.

People using words they obviously don't know the meaning of. Sorry, but no, Angel did not gallivant about the garden. He's looking for fucking carrots; it's not quite the way you've put it.

622731

Buck me harder...

*Stallion stops doing implied action, quickly turns around and sends her/him flying.*

622746

You could go with "disabled." Or, y'know, just say "handicapped" normally and don't point out how odd it is. Readers might not even notice.

622762 Actually... horses forelegs are also called arms. Caught me out at first. I stick to calling them forelegs just for consistency's sake.

The hair thing annoys me too.

622742

Using '-one' or '-body' in the MLP universe in general. The ONLY way this can work is if the ponies were TAUGHT about how they could use words like 'everybody' or 'anyone' outside Equestria. This then has to take into account there are more than just ponies, but perhaps more sentient beings, animals, humans, an ENTIRE SLEW of different creatures. If it's just ponies then the use of '-one' or '-body' is inexcusable.

Even with Griffons, the ponies still use 'everypony' and 'anypony' in there daily talking.

In short, don't use '-body' or '-one' unless you have a VERY good reason.

One thing that bothers me is when people say things like said the orange pony, or the lavender unicorn shook her head, or, even worse, they actually spend a few sentences describing what Applejack looks like. The beauty of fanfiction is that we already know the setting and characters, so we can just jump right into the story without having to spend much time establishing things.

Another thing is overly long-winded descriptions. I'm a believer in working with the audience's imagination as much as possible. Having pages and pages about what characters look like, for example, is a mistake a lot of writers seem to make, and it interrupts the flow of the story.

Making any well established character say something out of character. Cursing Princesses is a big one, like you mentioned.

Overly verbose dialogue always kind of bugged me, Joseph Decrueax times two. Its good to a point, if every character spoke in Modern Medieval with added complexity, then it becomes bothersome. Too many similes and metaphors in a single paragraph. Unless it's some type of poem, understandable but it should have some type of flow. Unconnected events in a single paragraph, too many setting jumps. Bipolar characters that aren't actually bipolar, character that goes from hating an individual one moment and then loving them the next without much reason too.

I'll probably post some more personal nit picks later.

Edit: The wrong use of their, there and they're. As well as the other ones that have a similar fate.

622777
Well shoot, will you look at that. This is indeed a disturbing universe. Complaint withdrawn, except that I still find it kind of weird in general.

Oh, also!

Cartoon effects used in expressing character actions: For example, "birds floated around her head", "her eyes twinkled with stars", etc. Again, canon, but these are things used for exaggerating emotions on screen. Keep 'em out of your writing.

622781

It's kind of funny. The Season 1 DVD with commentary had the VAs and crew discussing obviously-human things like saddles in the Winter Wrap-Up commentary. Usually they just shrug and figure nobody will care. That's perfectly acceptable to do, if the detail's just going to be glanced over.

Of course, while I was listening to this, I was thinking of my huge story that I wrote where I do question all of that stuff.

622785

Well they did use anyone and -body quite a lot in the show on many occasions, but yeah I agree that it should be -pony.

622785

Well, if you're referring to a group that aren't ponies, that could be an exception. No one wants to say "Every-Griffon/Pony"

622788

I'll describe a character's appearance upon first viewing them, then I'll use their name. For instance:

It was mid-morning when the zebra mare trotted into Ponyville.

She held a quite striking appearance, even compared to the citizens of the town with their brightly-colored coats and manes: the zebra's coat was a very light grey with black stripes on her legs, tail and mohawk-like mane. A large jagged pattern of black ran down her spine and halfway down her barrel, dark grey sun-like whorls were set upon her flanks and her muzzle was squared off as opposed to having the dainty rounding of most mares. Her large blue eyes were almond-shaped, giving her an almost Asian appearance. Three lines of black trailed down her cheek from the lower lid of each eye.

A series of rings made of gold encircled her entire neck from her collarbone to her jaw and another similar set were worn in the middle of her left foreleg. A large golden hoop hanging from each ear completed the exotic picture.

The zebra mare's name was Zecora. And she was becoming annoyed.

See? You can practically see what she looks like. In Zecora's case I was particularly descriptive because shes a great deal different in appearance than other characters.

Obviously, I'm nowhere near as descriptive with other characters, because they're don't look as different as she does. Show versus tell, see?

I don't like it when people try way too hard to write Applejack's accent. She's saying "I", not opening her mouth for the doctor to examine! It just really takes me out of the story sometimes, and I feel that if you write her dialogue normally, people will know to read it in her voice.

I also don't really like it when people make Rarity say "darling" every other sentence.

With words themselves, I'd have to agree with JasonTheHuman and Shadowflash on the whole "buck" thing. It's just... strange. I also die a little inside whenever a pony swears. It just doesn't follow the FiM universe to me (most fake curses such as 'ponyfeathers' and 'hay' are fine with me, though).

622785
622801
I feel like it's inconsistent enough in the show that you can really go with either - there are plenty of instances of characters referring to a group of ponies as 'everyone' - for example,

. "one" refers to a single thing, and all creatures have "bodies".

622772>>622752>>6227567

The word that causes the most problem is prolly "personally", cus the rest are words that either are avoidable or only show up in the narration, and outside-of-the-show vocabulary isn't really ap roblem if it occurs in a third-person voice, unless its made cear that its an actual document within the universe. But you often have no other choice but have a character use "personally" and while it isn't unthinkeable that they might have the word "person" (since there's plenty of people around who aren't ponies, griffins, sea serpents, baby dragons...) it still jars me a little.

Another is the useage of "girl", it's used in the show, but I've gotten used to using "mare" as a substitute for girl, so this is a case where it's mostly just fanon that makes me think its odd.

622762

Arms - I shudder when I see this - they're forelegs, damnit.

Actually.... I hate to disagree, because I prefer to use the term foreleg but according to anatomy textbooks, the front limbs ARE called arms/forearms/cannon. So, the use of that term is technically correct (though the author may not know they're right- they may just be lazy). I agree with you, I think it sounds wrong.

I purposefully use leg/foreleg to differentiate from bipedal anthropomorphic fiction- it just SOUNDS better in my head.

I am not adverse to a carefully administered measure of sesquipedalian loquaciousness in my narratives, however, when a story becomes so saturated with leviathan locutions as to bestow upon the very script itself an abundant variety of purple shades, the composition undergoes a metamorphosis from enlightening to unequivocally unfathomable!

622817

I feel the opposite. As long as the writer doesn't reach the point where she's practically stopped speaking any known language, it's fine. Her accent is part of her character.

622818
True, but still "everypony" is kinda specific to the Universe, show's these little fun differences between Ponies and for example Humans (if you write a HiE fic). On the other hand, yeah I guess you can use those as much as you like, seeing they are in the show.

Make sure you use the right word when you're saying something. I know it comes down to proofreading, but still. The best example I have is when an author went to write:

...splayed her ears back.

and wrote:

...flayed her ears back.

Ow...!

Let's see. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is over-using certain words because you can't/won't come up with synonyms. Once again... splay. There's more than one way to describe a pony folding their ears back for a variety of negative emotions.

In line with the "everypony" and "anypony" comments. Over pony-fying words. Humanity becomes ponanity or something equally silly.

...she was losing herself, her very ponanity.

Handicapped becomes hooficapped...
Manhandled as ponyhandled...
Human as hupony. Wait, that never happened. Nevermind.

etc.

I understand the reasoning, but please! It never looks right.

622824
Ahh, yeah, you're right. Er, my attention's usually to the other end of horse anatomy.

622826

I never use a big word when diminuitive terminology suffices.

622788 Well, personally, at least, those descriptions are used to avoid simply alternating between calling a character by their name and then 'she'. It makes things less repetitive. Though I do try to come up with more interesting descriptions than just their colour.

622831 Right, but because of that, I don't think it needs to be written out for the most part. When I see Applejack speaking, I automatically read it in that accent of hers.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't like when people try to overwrite the accent. It's fine if you write "galloping" as "gallopin'" every now and then, or if you use words that can't be expressed otherwise (such as "y'all" or "iff'n"). It's just when every other word is written as some sort of derivative of its original spelling, it gets to me a little.

622850 A philosophy for life, my friend.

622813

True, but what did describing her in such detail add to the story? Did you need to spend a whole paragraph going over things like the shape of her eyes and her hairstyle?

Compare

She held a quite striking appearance, even compared to the citizens of the town with their brightly-colored coats and manes: the zebra's coat was a very light grey with black stripes on her legs, tail and mohawk-like mane. A large jagged pattern of black ran down her spine and halfway down her barrel, dark grey sun-like whorls were set upon her flanks and her muzzle was squared off as opposed to having the dainty rounding of most mares. Her large blue eyes were almond-shaped, giving her an almost Asian appearance. Three lines of black trailed down her cheek from the lower lid of each eye.

A series of rings made of gold encircled her entire neck from her collarbone to her jaw and another similar set were worn in the middle of her left foreleg. A large golden hoop hanging from each ear completed the exotic picture.

To

She held a quite striking appearance, even compared to the citizens of the town with their brightly-colored coats and manes. Her coat was made of black and white stripes, and her neck and right foreleg were covered with sets of golden bracelets.

Does it matter what shape her eyes are, or if she has a square muzzle? If the reader walked away from the story with the mistaken impression that Zecora didn't have three lines of black trailing down her cheek from the lower lid of each eye, would their story experience really suffer for it? I think a few adjectives are all you really need to describe something. More than that, and it just slows down the story.

622857

Yeah, but most people are going to expect her to use 'Ah' instead of 'I' - in the same way you don't feel it needs to be done that way, they're going to feel the opposite.

It doesn't bother me so much to see in other people's writing, but I feel too silly when I write "anypony" or "everypony" or the like in narrative. I use it in dialogue to fit the setting and the show, but it's just too cheesy in any other situation.

622785 'Everyone' and 'everybody' are different words to me. 'Everypony' is used as a substitute for 'everybody', but 'everyone' remains the same.

622845

You know, I feel kinda dorky even saying anything because I feel the same way- I look at it as a leg, it sounds better described as a leg.

Either way, it's not enough to distract from the plot, is it?

622740

622762>>622777 I got so tired of flat-maned serial killer Pinkies that I went and made a fiction where Pinkie deliberately has her mane like that, and everyone totally loses it thinking that something is wrong with dear ol' Pinkie

622863

Yeah, but I wanted to show just how much she differed in appearance to a standard mare. To put it bluntly, her appearance it quite striking and I wanted her description to mirror that. I've shaved it down some, but I think a more in-depth description is warranted in this case.

Ponies who say 'rubbish' when they mean 'garbage'.

I've always had mixed reactions towards the use of 'Tartarus' or 'Hell' whenever it comes up in appropriate situations. One one hand, 'Tartarus' is technically correct, and there's already a substitute for 'hell' (hay, of course), but, being human, it just feels more fitting for 'hell'. And there's the issue that 'hay' is a common word.

As for Applejack's accent, as long as it isn't over-butchered, I can handle it, though I'm one of those that write her as 'I' but also use " in' " instead of " ing ". As well as some other few exceptions. I remember being told once that "She doesn't say "Ah", she says "I" with an accent. The reader will know how it's supposed to sound.".

622826
I'm seriously tempted to write an entire story like that just for laughs.

622817

Ponies swearing, you say?

“Anyways, glad to see everything is proceeding smoothly. Miss Twilight, when you’re ready... Oh hold on, Hey! HEY! You there! Get away from that! Those things are unbelievably dangerous, I don’t care how hungry you.. HEY! You dragon teat sucking, dung-wallowing, flank-on-both-ends, miserable excuse for a quadruped; back away from that thing, NOW!”

Profanity is the spice of prose. Incidentally, this is why we keep salt shakers away from five year olds.

622841

This. The over use of "pony" as a replacement word can pull one out of a serious story, even if it adds a silly aspect to a comedic one. I see no problem with anyone, everyone, etc.. The only times I try to replace it is when it is "anybody" or "everybody", and then I feel like I want to only change it when it is dialogue.

As you can tell, I'm still trying to figure out my own rules as well. But trying to mutate English too far can become a hideous distraction to the reader. It creates a disconnect between the reader by the need to decipher the word. It's better to avoid such words like "humanity" than try to ham-fistedly create an abomination like "ponyity". When you create a "pony" word there had better be no other options or it should play a role thematically. Use the language, don't castrate it.

And at the end of the day, the language should not be a barrier.