Welcome to WAR! I am SwordTune, the manager, representative, only employee, and sole proprietor of “We Are Reviews, SP.” Fresh off the factory line, today we have a review for “11” by Thunder--Dash.

T11

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Horror

Scootaloo has one deep desire...and that is to spread her wings and fly...but what will it cost for this wish to be granted?

• Violence
• Gore
• Anthro
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Scootaloo
• Other

Thunder--Dash · 6.9k words · 227 views

Plot Analysis: The story clearly lays out its plot fairly quickly at the start, and does not deviate much from its premise. This level of focus can be particularly useful in long stories that require clarity in the goals of the plot and characters. This is not a long story. And it does not use its simplicity to its advantage. Rather, very little happens between and within each chapter, to the extent that no single chapter exists as its own section, but rather feels like segmented pieces to a short story that would be better if assembled fully, though admittedly it would remain an unpalatable reading experience.

Characters: Scootaloo is incredibly one-note, fearful of change but still eagerly wishing to fly. As the principle subject matter of the story, she lacks agency and any ability to move the story forward, leaving that all up to the human character. Unfortunately, the human is no more one-note than Scootaloo herself, and is driven only by a desire to help Scootaloo fly. Why? Because he wants to help her fly. You may wonder “yes, but why?” And other readers will be wondering the same thing beside you.

Dialogue: As the characters are weakly written, so too is the dialogue, which overuses ellipses and hyphens in order to showcase how scared Scootaloo is and how inexplicably helpful the human is. It is as dry as the characters who speak it and there is little else to dwell on.

Overall: 3 out of 10, nothing more. I cannot in good conscience recommend this story to anyone, the only saving grace being that it is relatively short. It utilizes some form of magical realism in the form of a strange “game” that the human finds online, and when played should allow Scootaloo to fly. By itself, not a terrible idea if it can be developed properly. A bulk of the story goes through the steps of how to play this game, which is then repeated and executed in the latter half of the story. The immediate flip from one to the other, however, makes it feel nothing like foreshadowing or build-up, and feels more like you’re reading in repetitive cycles. 

For the Author: Your use of short chapters, while overplayed, is interesting and could be more effective if applied sparingly. Given that this is a 6k short story, I would recommend taking more time to develop stronger premises that can make full use of the characters you want to employ. Though the wish to fly is unique to Scootaloo, so much of the dialogue and characterization can be swapped to another character. The story can just as easily be about Fluttershy, with only a small amendment that she wants to get better at flying rather than be able to fly all together. The lack of uniqueness is probably the story’s weakest side, though not its sole flaw.

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For the Reader: Strong “My Little Dashie” vibes but with Scootaloo instead. Do with that what you will.

<For archive purposes: 3/10>

Thanks for the review. Yea...I knew I should've had less chapters, especially during the "Learning The Game" segments...