TTwilight gets a Full Time Job

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Comedy
• Horror

Twilight gets a full time job

• Gore
• Violence
• Death
• Profanity
• Twilight
• Pinkie
• Flash Sentry

Serenity Darkmoon Raven · 4.6k words  ·  14  10 · 431 views

Twilight Gets a Full Time Job is a Horror-Comedy about Twilight getting a Job at Sugar Cube Corner for... very contrived reasons. Bad things happen.

I'm just going to say this right away. This is actually a better story than the previous one I read. I still don't think it's particularly good, but it is better.

Let's start with the positives. The idea itself IS a mixed bag, posing the logistical question to the collateral damage that happens to Shady Oaks Library, Twilight's First Ponyville home in the series, involving the mafia over it seems like extreme overkill, especially since the bank is already involved. However, the progression of the story follows a much better narrative flow, actually answering the questions posed due to the unfortunate things that happen to Twilight's home. It is kinda silly that the Sugar Cube Corner ad was mentioned twice as solution to Twilight's problem before she caught on, but there are times were one can miss something that obvious at one point. There is also the point where Rarity just shows up to solve her problem instantly, but puts Twilight in a situation where she's now free to investigate the going-ons at her job. Spoiler, things aren't what they seem in (unfortunately) a cliched manner.

However, said narrative flow and plausibility kind of ends after the first known victim, to which the bodies VERY swiftly pile up for no other reason that seemingly to wrap the story up as quickly as possible in a bloody mess. The reason behind it also goes out the window, as killing literally everyone in the vicinity would surely bust the killer's operations almost immediately after all was said and done. But, whatever, the implications after the story a less of a matter, really.

Honestly, this story mostly just suffers from similar issues as "Twilight's Life: A Race Against Time", with grammar and punctuation being the bigger victims along with the swapping of past and present tense on a constant basis. Less-so on the chopping block is the very off-beat dialogue and how descriptions are very unbalanced between individuals and settings of importance, but it seems to be a little more minimized here. That said, the narrative structure, while better, seems altogether a bit contrived, meandering, and far too eager to just end the story than let it cook properly or let the question "who's next" be more concerning and drawn out. Fair enough, that since it's a comedy technically, contrivances can be forgiven, but I feel little bits of pointlessness and moments/events that have no real baring on the plot other than to say "this situation sucks" just drives down the darkly funny side of things.

This isn't even getting to the nonchalance Twilight seems to have over the fact that one of her friends had murdered other friends of hers, as well as a variety of random ponies, almost entirely for no reason other than "this is a cupcakes reference, lol".

To be frank, this was more of a disappointment than anything. I can see it work out a bit better as a story with some adjustments and a bit more story added into the second half (perhaps even drop the Mafia subplot, since it has no other relevance than repeating "Twilight is financially screwed") and more attempt at situational dark humor, along with fixing the grammar, punctuation, and past/present tense issues. As it is, this is once again just a bad-fic, though it has much better flow and direction than "Twilight's Life: A Race Against Time".

I will not rate this story.