EShouldering a Holiday Burden

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

With Hearth's Warming fast approaching, Silverstream finds something she'd hoped she never would: a friendship problem that can't be solved.

• Twilight
• Rarity
• Spike
• Gallus
• Silverstream

Ghost Mike · 8.2k words  ·  48  1 · 1.4k views

Story summary: Silverstream can't wait to get home to Mt. Aris for the holidays. Sure, she had no problem staying behind last Hearth's Warming, but it did mean she missed the first ever Three Days of Freedom Celebration. With everything she has planned this year, it's sure to be a hoot!

But when she discovers something about one of her friends mere days before departing, she finds something she'd hoped she never would – a friendship problem that can't be solved.

Forget that, though! Hippogriffs never let technicalities stop them from escaping underwater to hide from the Storm King. Why should this be any different?

My analysis: Awe...

Oh yeah! I need to finish this review and it's nearly the end of the month. Sorry.

Now, this is a rather sweet story, trying to handle the concepts of selflessness and trying to assist someone through it. It takes an interesting perspective on what it means to care for others, as well as to help someone not willing to receive it. I know what it's like to not want to be a burden to others, and how much of a burden it can be, so I enjoyed seeing it from an outside perspective.

I do feel like the paragraph spacing needed some work, since I sometimes lost track of who was talking, but I will delve into that later. This story focuses on the mental and emotional areas, and works rather well. It is a nice slice of life that I would heavily recommend reading.

Grammar: 10:10 This story is well worked through grammatically. I know this category is my weak spot, and I am aware that I may be missing something.

However, I am impressed by the level of grammar on display, making the story easily legible for an easy read.

Story Flow: 7:10 I feel like the paragraphs make the story hard to keep track of sometimes. You have to go over some paragraphs a few times to figure out who is talking, due to the lack of identification sometimes.

These words put a smile on Silverstream’s face. She supposed it was normal to dwell on your mistakes a little, but it sounded like Twilight had it all in hoof. She turned to leave again.

“It’s not ancient history to me.” Silverstream barely noticed she'd stopped and returned to pressing her ear against the door. “Headmare Twilight?” A few seconds ticked by. “Can I tell you something, if it’ll never leave this office?”

You don't need to say who is talking when it's a back and forth conversation between two people. But sometimes you have to give a hint.

Then there are times were people talk back to back in paragraphs, leaving me a bit confused due to the lacking transition in said paragraphs.

“Second,” chimed in Spike, flying forward and picking up a chalk of his own, “Gallus doesn’t want his friends to know, because he wants them to enjoy their holidays without worrying about him.”

“Spike,” interjected Rarity, giving his wing a gentle tug with her magic. Startled, Spike floated back to hover alongside her. “Let’s let Silverstream have a go first, it’s good practice.” With a small huff Silverstream personally thought was adorable, he folded his arms, glowering.

“Third,” said Rarity with a sharp command in her voice, the chalk Spike had previously held scribbling across the board so fast it almost knocked away Twilight’s. “None of Gallus’ friends, especially Silverstream, want to give up their holidays at home.” Rarity angled her head high, proud as ever, until she registered Spike staring at her with a gobsmacked look Silverstream felt could give Sandbar a run for his bits.

I feel like some of the transitions are a bit lacking, and hard to follow sometimes. It isn't illegible, but it adds a few hiccups to the story.

Story Plot: 10/10 I love the concept of this story. It takes pre-established continuity, and asks questions we don't get in the series. I could see this being a genuine episode, with how well the characters are established and the unique friendship problem presented. We don't see such unique stories like this often, and this story is fairly well done.

Final score 27/10 9/10

I think this story is fairly well written. I would work on the paragraph pacing, transition, and identification in conversations, but besides that, it's a great story. I enjoyed reading it, and seeing such a genuine story in there. If this is a debut, then I want to see what else this writer has to offer to the fandom.

7638702
Thank you for the review! I'm glad the central theme of burdens and selflessness, and how they were tackled, resonated so strongly for you.

It was originally written as a Jinglemas entry, of course, and in this case, it went from concept (originally what the story ended up as was just the prelude, but it quickly ballooned and demanded full space, which was good, as it came very close to the hard word count of 8,500 words) to finished story in just under a week. I've periodically proofed it for spelling, grammar and prose a few times since then, and just over a month ago, did a substantial prose cleanup courtesy of Equestria Daily pre-reader feedback for featuring (which also shortened the story by nearly 200 words). So you finding it grammatically immaculate does fit, given its been under the eyes of the best.

As for the story flow… well, I don't know what to tell you. Like many novice writers, I learnt early to not overuse "said", and as most of us are wont to do, simply substituted other speaking verbs, which often works out worse. Of course, by now I've long since digested the correct method, which is to use context to infer the speaker and avoid using a speaking verb, at least frequently enough to avoid an overuse of "said". As for the talking back to back in paragraphs, given I completely adhere to Writing 101 of a paragraph breaks whenever the speaker changes, and of keeping the action description around that dialogue centred around the character speaking… well, it seems fine. That's just how I write, honestly, though some examples come out better.

All of that being the case, I do sort of see what you mean. I think in the examples you cite, and a few others, I was aware the story was getting overlong and wanted to speed along the prose, or just keep the pace going (there's still an argument to be made that there were better ways for the story's middle to proceed then Silverstream, Twilight, Rarity and Spike figuring out a solution via cross-cancelling equations, if only for pacing reasons and not leaving Gallus off the page for so long). So, there are a few examples where I felt the reader would have grasped the pace and flow of a scene, and doubled back on directly stating the speaker, but simply inferring it. Which is a common technique anyway, I perhaps just did it a bit more.

Honestly, given this was the first fanfic I'd written in over three years, and the first I'd published in almost five, I'm surprised it came out as strong as it did (strong enough that it only required two rounds of EqD proofing to get featuring, though it may have been helped by being timely for the holidays in December). So an occasional "let's assume the reader is paying full attention by now, and doesn't need everything explained" incentive in the prose going askew is easy to forgive. Not going to go back and edit the story at this stage, I've done that enough times already and I'm content to move on from it.

It takes pre-established continuity, and asks questions we don't get in the series. I could see this being a genuine episode, with how well the characters are established and the unique friendship problem presented. We don't see such unique stories like this often, and this story is fairly well done.

Thanks very much! I was operating in full "1st MLP fanfic" mode, taking something from the show and expanding on it in a direction that doesn't feel far removed at all, yet doing so in a way the show wouldn't or couldn't. Namely, taking the friendship lessons and constructing a scenario that seemed to be unsolvable, and where the solution required looking at them beyond the surface level, and even stating "sometimes one virtue of friendship matters more then another". Which the show wouldn't do, for even in a situation like this, it couldn't imply that sometimes omitting the truth is best, let alone being sneaky and devious like this. Among other things. And doing this while having the characters still have the kind of positive idealism about the magic of friendship from the show that they do. It makes for an unusual cross-bread of realism and rose-coloured idealism, one which might not work for some viewers, I'm sure. But it makes the story somewhat unique, anyway. Even if it doesn't breathe as well due to being a bit too laboured in extrapolating upon show episodes while remaining spiritually in their wheelhouse. At least, that's my takeaway by now.

I enjoyed reading it, and seeing such a genuine story in there. If this is a debut, then I want to see what else this writer has to offer to the fandom.

Well, as I said, It was my MLP fanfic debut, but NOT my fanfic debut overall, which dates back to 2009. I was never a frequent writer, and hadn't published since March 2016 until this fic in December 2020. But that earlier stuff did let me go through the "my early writing is garbage" phase, so my now I am, at least, a competent writer. Still figuring out a lot, but given I plan and outline heavily, you'll never see a fic from me that isn't (I hope) sound in narrative, character and presentation.

As for other fics, you're in luck, I have two others available. And both, I feel, are marked improvements on this one, being far clearer and more economical in narrative. Given the first fic is almost exclusively two characters, and the second is literally just two characters, you're bound to have the transition/identification issue less too (notwithstanding I managed the pacing and controlled paragraph length better in any case), if at all.

EThe Endeavor Within

• MLP Gen 5
• Drama
• Slice of Life

It's never easy to help somepony who doesn’t see it as help. Yet Phyllis was determined to try for Sunny's sake, before the young mare's endeavor for an impossible change consumed her.

• Sunny Starscout
• Phyllis

Ghost Mike · 7.6k words  ·  60  2 · 1.1k views

ENew Wave of the Frozen Variety

• MLP: FiM
• Slice of Life

It's bad enough Vinyl's alone in a snowy park with no music to listen to. Now this snobby filly is dismissing her taste in tunes.

• DJ P0N-3
• Octavia

Ghost Mike · 5.2k words  ·  34  1 · 482 views

The first one's a bit more of a gloomier, thoughtful, not-fully-happy read (hence the drama tag), at least in part. Still absolutely an E-rated fic, though, so nothing a reader can't handle. The second one is much like this, being a Jinglemas fic that has enough substance and weight to the proceedings to transition beyond fluff, but which is still ultimately a feel-good piece intended to brighten up the reader's day. Based on your take on Shouldering a Holiday Burden, I'd recommend the 2nd fic, New Wave of the Frozen Variety.

Probably too late to make a long story short, but thanks again, and I'm glad the fic resonated with you.