T11

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Horror

Scootaloo has one deep desire...and that is to spread her wings and fly...but what will it cost for this wish to be granted?

• Violence
• Gore
• Anthro
• Human
• Alt. Universe
• Scootaloo
• Other

Thunder--Dash · 6.9k words · 227 views

11 is frankly very confusing, the whole plot is a bit all over the place with no real chapter to cement anything in the narrative, the problem is that it is a jumbled mess. 

First thing first, you can’t butcher up the chapters into basically minced meat, it makes everything hard to understand, second of all, establish something. We pass from chapter to chapter into different scenarios and situations without knowing what we should do, this makes everything needlessly convoluted.

The next issue is well the fact that we as the reader don’t really have the idea of what is going on in the first chapters and later on it all becomes confusing with things jumping left and right and other half baked chapters. The fact that everything is in less than 1000 words per chapter really bothered me, every time we have to jump a chapter we lose continuity. If we lose continuity we lose the drive to continue the story, why shouldn’t we stop and read something else and call the chapter a bookmark.

If we do that though the problem is that we then completely lose anything we extrapolated from the story making everything we did useless.

I don’t have much to say, except that I didn’t expect my little dashie shenanigans at the end, it was weird to see. It was a bit out of the blue and we can’t really have an emotional true and deep feeling with the characters because of the shortness so I dare say it was a bit of a missed chance.

As I said, the story doesn’t really give itself to be discussed, it is just too jumbled to properly analyze and properly score so it will be a bit hard to actually pull out a true score. 

SCORES

Core Idea: 7/10 somewhat original, but redundant on the topic of helping Scoot try to gain her wings and fly.

Pacing: 0/10 a disaster through and through, it is so hard to actually understand what is going on, the fundamental problem is, as I said before, the butchering of the chapter. You could have done and pulled a sneaky one by making 11 chapters but eh, sad.

Grammar: 8/10 I didn’t find major problems with it although it could help to just add more words. 

Final score: 5/10 not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but nowhere near masterpiece level, the story really needs some rewriting especially to pull together those chapters and make them genuine. 

For the Author, try to focus on one thing at a time, don’t let the story drag you, you have to drag the story around and mold it into what you want it to be. Trying to go along and not actually stop to revisit and thinking is a recipe for disaster, so be aware of the dangers that lay ahead if you continue like this. Overall I think you need more experience writing longer chapters instead of just calling it a day when you finish up what you in your mind think is a good enough chapter.

Regardless, best of luck for your later writings, as always I'm not perfect so feel free to argue my score.

Well then...thank you so much for the review! The most difficult thing for me with this story was dividing events up. I realize now that having that many chapters, especially for "Learning The Game" was a blunder because of how chopped up it was.

Thanks for the review regardless.