TLoveStruck Foals

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

Out of boredom, Discord pulls a trick on his guy pal Spike and things go chaotically wrong in comedic proportions.

• Fluttershy
• Twilight
• Spike
• Celestia
• Discord

SunTwi06 · 6.3k words  ·  26  3 · 1.2k views

Review: LoveStruck Foals

Summary: This is more of a Spike harem.

Data Analysis:   This is a random fiction but, it also did have some good parts in it.  “Ah, :3 I do love harems.”   Where a male is with a lot of girls wanting him to be theirs.  You broke me.

Critic:  Not just that you broke me into loving this fiction but the flow has killed the fiction completely.  Even though it’s random the flow of the random can be good.  When I read this for the very first time, that random thing wasn't my thing. This fiction made me want to read more random fiction.  However, like I said the flow wasn’t the best but, what if it had.  This would have been a great fiction to make the best harem stories of all time.   However it needs to make the flow better.  Making the mares feel a lot more for a spell of discord. That needs to pop out a lot more to keep my attention.

My point of views:

The flow was awful although I have to give it a 4.

The Idea is clearly a 10.

The dialog needs a bit more so I give it at least a 6.

The grammar there are some questionable things I want to point out.  Why did I have to be slanted?  It doesn’t need to be and for that I have to down point it.  Which leads the grammar is clearly a 8.

The final score is at least s 7/10.

I kinda killed the flow on purpose but I do see what you mean. I'll keep that in mind the next time I do something like this