EFiddlefids

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Slice of Life

Friends don't let friends date soldier colts!

• Alt. Universe
• OC

applezombi · 2.1k words  ·  62  1 · 647 views

Fiddlefids

by Applezombi

Summary:

In a small outpost near the war front with the griffons, a young apprentice tailor named Needle Point learns the ins and outs of living this close to a large military camp.

Specifically, the dangers of becoming romantically entangled with a soldier pony.

Initial Thoughts:
I wasn’t sure what I was getting into, when I first read the title of this story. Nor when I read the long description afterward. “Soldier” stories on Fimfiction, much like their big brother “War stories” genre, have always had a mixed result, where I stand. I do enjoy those genres, in general, but I’ve seen too many young authors ruin these stories with pointless edginess.

Either way, the Romance and Slice of Life tags made me hopeful I was in for a sweet and sentimental time.

My Reaction:
So, a spoiler for the end of the review, but… I really liked this. Applezombi isn’t someone who I’ve read much from, but I can already see that I would probably keenly enjoy reading through his stories. I put this here, because I realize some of my qualifiers might come across as being put-downs, but that’s not at all what I mean to get across.

Fiddlefids is a by-the-numbers romance story. Except for starring ponies, it could be easily described as a ‘Boy-meets-Girl’ high school musical pair-up. The characters are stock, and the plot is almost cliched in how it’s told.

What makes this a great story, however, is the masterful skill of its author. The prose is charming, without being Lemony, and is exceptionally economical in how it parcels out details; neither too slow nor too fast. The characters are all immediately likeable, even when they come into conflict with each other, and there’s a sense that there’s more to each of them than what’s ended up on the page.

Needle Point is cautioned, by her employer and mentor, Cashmere, not to fall for pretty soldier colts. Predictably, a soldier colt walks right in, and Needle has to deal with her boss’ disapproval and her own attraction to the beautiful colt with a charming air. The characters’ qualities aren’t an informed thing, either. To the author’s credit, he manages to authentically build each of them up into full, well-rounded ponies in a shockingly small amount of word-space. That is the sign of a great writer, being able to do more with less, and this story simply oozes that quality from every pore.

My one complaint with the story is to its pacing. While the story reads well, there is a single section, about half way through, where it feels like Needle’s internal thoughts were suddenly ripped out, or perhaps a scene better explaining Cashmere’s hesitation was lost. It leaves me feeling like the main crux and conflict of the story was simply left out by an overzealous editor. It hurts the overall piece, but since we’re left with the remainder of a great story, I suppose it is what it is.

Grammar: 10/10
There were no grammatical errors, as far as I could see.

Story: 8/10
This story reads like the opening to a romance novel, and that’s not a bad thing. There is a solid act-structure in how the plot progresses, and the theme of the work is both evident, and charmingly well-told. However, the pacing of the piece does leave the reader feeling like the middle of the story is missing a crucial scene. I also felt like we never really got to see “the dangers of becoming romantically entangled with a soldier pony” in this story.

Characters: 8/10
Needle Point, Lieutenant Textile, and Cashmere are all decent characters, competently displayed. While they do follow very typical – some might say, cliched – tropes in this genre, they are well-done, and it is Applezombi’s skill as a writer that gives them more life than one might presume at first glance. The story’s quick pacing does dilute this effect, somewhat, as Needle’s inner world feels a bit hollow, and Cashmere’s eventual character-revelation a bit too rapid fire to be believable.

Final Word and Rating

10+8+8 = 26/30 = 86/100%

Fiddlefids is a classic romance short story, almost to a fault. It’s plot and characters are painfully stereotypical of the genre, but the author has done so deliberately, and with such masterful skill and polish as to give the story a mirror-shine. This is an exceptionally well-told example of the genre, and is well worth your time.

To the author: What little I might offer may come across as personal taste, but that truly is all I have for you. I feel like Needle Point’s internal narration could have been stronger or more drawn out, especially during her argument with Cashmere, where some introspection on her part could have made the moment weightier. Similarly, Cashmere’s turnaround felt too quick. Some more time dwelling on her opinions, or watching her come around, would also have been good to see.

Feel free to comment below.

Good Job, Applezombi. I'll check the story out when I've got some free time.

7361260
Yay, you liked it!

Honestly, the criticism here is really on point. it's really nice to get a critical set of eyes on your own work, to really see where you need to improve. Thank you, ninja!