EBirds of a Feather Don't Ride Together

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Slice of Life

Silverstream thought her idea was so good. Gallus should have known better.

• Human
• Gallus
• Silverstream
• Terramar

Nitro Indigo · 2.1k words  ·  53  1 · 1.7k views

Description

While on holiday in Wales, Gallus, Silverstream, and Terramar decide to spend the afternoon at an amusement park in a small seaside town. Silverstream has the time of her life. Gallus... not so much.

Initial Thoughts

So a Griffin, a Hippogriff, and… uh… another Hippogriff walk into an amusement park… It’s funny that I’m reading a story about these species, because just the other day I had watched Silver Quill’s video on them. Of course, I don’t anticipate that this story will go into great detail about the mythical and cultural implications of these two species. 

I’m a fan of Gallus, actually, and also of Silverstream. Though the Student Six have a regrettably lower number of hours on-screen, I found that these two stuck out the most for me. They’ve always struck me as brother and sister more than anything else, so stories featuring them and their antics are always a welcome treat.

As for Terramar (ha, Earth-Ocean)... I can’t say I have any definitive opinion. It feels like a long time since I saw his episode, and I can’t really say if his personal conflict struck a chord with me. (Post Initial Thoughts thought: I forgot that Terramar was Silverstream’s younger brother until I looked him up on the wiki. Go figure!) But that equally means there’s plenty of freedom to explore who he is and what he has to bring to the table. 

Spoilers below!

Summary

A trip to Wales means a trip to the Coney Beach Pleasure Park, but it’s only pleasure so far for Silverstream. Gallus has his own doubts, but tries to keep them to himself. It’s only when Silverstream drags him over to the Beach Party ride that his doubts rise to the surface. After a heart-wrenching, terrifying experience, Gallus finally admits that he had not been looking forward to this ride at all, and Silverstream apologizes for taking him on it. But, truthfully, and as Gallus puts it, neither of them could have anticipated how bad it would get. At the very least, Silverstream does apologize, and neither are really mad or upset.

Plot

I’m going to do something a bit different this time, and get the most affecting factor out of the way: the pacing in this story is too, too quick for its nature. By that I mean that this is a story that should have been written with a much slower time frame in mind. This is a story about inner conflict, and as such, as much time as the narrative would allow should be spent exploring that inner conflict to the fullness of the author’s ability. 

What is that inner conflict? Well, it’s Gallus’s dread for the dizzying spectacle of amusement park rides. This is a kind of fear, and it’s also a highly relatable one; I’m sure we all know someone who doesn’t do well with rides either. And since Gallus has shown to be quite different from his typical griffin counterparts, I can believe that he’d have such an adverse reaction to these rides. 

Believability, then, is a non-plus issue, and Nitro handles it well. But because of the rapid pacing, the effect of that conflict is lessened, and that same rapidity affects most of the other factors in this story in a negative way.

For example: the story begins with Silverstream’s perspective for two sections, before it jumps into Gallus’s. There are two effects here. One is that the reader may be caught off-guard by the sudden change in perspective. They might have thought that we were reading a Silverstream story, when, in actuality, we’re reading a Gallus story. Another is that this means there’s less narrative time for Nitro to explore how and why Gallus doesn’t like these rides. Bar from showing his discomfort during the Beach Party, little is done to highlight or enunciate exactly what it is about these rides that gives Gallus an upset stomach. As such, though I can believe in the conflict, I don’t end up feeling like it’s been justified or otherwise explored as fully as it could have. And that’s all because of the pacing.

Slowing down, I think, is the best advice I can give here. Perhaps consider starting with the characters arriving at the park. Set the scene, lay it out before us. Moreover, start in Gallus’s head, get the reader to see and feel his mounting dread. As they walk through the park, you can increase the tension by hinting at what Gallus is feeling. Build up to the ride, and depending on what message you want to convey - that the ride is that bad or that Gallus’s fears are nothing compared to his paranoia - determine how much time you want to spend examining the ride itself. 

With the pacing as an issue out of the way, though, I can seriously say that I still enjoyed this story. Once again, I reiterate that though the execution was a bit flimsy, the premise of the conflict was definitely believable. That believability at least helped with the quickness of the piece, though not in full, and the story still suffers from it. 

Score - 6 / 10 

Characterization

Given the quick pacing of this piece, it’s important that I note that, formalistically speaking, not enough time was spent in characterizing these characters. Again, the same advice of slowing down just a bit pertains here.

With that said, though, this was a great series of snippets into the characters of Silverstream, Gallus, and Terramar. I loved the snappy way their dialogue followed after another, and while I disagree with starting the story from Silverstream’s POV, I actually found the way she was written to be pleasant and welcoming. Gallus’s portion, though briefer, still “sounded” very much like Gallus, without falling into the trap that gets a lot of authors, which is using his cynicism and straight-man nature as his one defining characteristic. And while Terramar was really on there for the beginning and ending of the story, I appreciated his comedic timing, though that did come at the cost of him feeling like he was fully fleshed out. 

These snippets were great, but, again, the pacing continues to affect things negatively, and it feels like the comedy filled in the role of the conflict more than it should have. The inner world in Gallus could have risen to the surface in such a way as to drive a wedge between him and Silverstream, and while it makes sense that she’d be astute and would notice Gallus’s discomfort after the ride, I wonder if more time could have been spent drawing out that conflict as it relates to their friendship? 

It’s clear that Nitro enjoyed writing these characters. And there’s definitely a lot of respect given to their personalities, their quirks, and so forth. It seems to be a matter of exploring them just a bit more - which, again, could be done by slowing the story down a peg and spending more time with them. 

Score - 7 / 10 

Syntax

Grammar was consistently correct throughout, and I didn’t notice anything amiss mechanically. However, I did note that there was an instant when Nitro used an abundance of dialogue tags:

“Because if I didn’t, you’d worry that I was lonely, Gallus,” sighed Terramar. “Maybe you’re right. I should’ve stayed behind after all…”

“Oh, Terramar, don’t be so hard on yourself!” exclaimed Silverstream.

“You’re starting to sound like mom…” Terramar muttered.

“There’s plenty of things you can do here!” Silverstream continued. “Such as… uh…” She looked around; a series of stalls along the side with bright red awnings caught her attention, and she gasped. “I know! You could try winning a prize for us! I’m sure you’ll do great!”

“I will,” Terramar said with a small nod, before galloping towards the stalls. All three of them had mysteriously lost every carnival game they’d played in Equestria, but maybe Earth was different.

“Why are you so obsessed with rides, anyway?” asked Gallus. “They’re just flying with more restrictions.”

Especially with the exchange between Terramar and Silverstream, you can probably see that four tags were used. It seems like the conversation could have flowed a bit better without having such tags after the second time each character speaks. 

“Because if I didn’t, you’d worry that I was lonely, Gallus,” sighed Terramar. “Maybe you’re right. I should’ve stayed behind after all…”

“Oh, Terramar, don’t be so hard on yourself!” exclaimed Silverstream.

“You’re starting to sound like mom…”

“There’s plenty of things you can do here! Such as… uh…” She looked around; a series of stalls along the side with bright red awnings caught her attention, and she gasped. “I know! You could try winning a prize for us! I’m sure you’ll do great!”

“I will,” Terramar said with a small nod, before galloping towards the stalls. All three of them had mysteriously lost every carnival game they’d played in Equestria, but maybe Earth was different.

“Why are you so obsessed with rides, anyway?” asked Gallus. “They’re just flying with more restrictions.”

It’s a minor change, but to me it seems to smooth things over, cutting back on excess wording. 

Score - 9 / 10 

Final Score - (6 + 7 + 9) / 3 = 7.3 / 10

Final Thoughts

By no means is this a bad story, but it is a highly rushed story. This is a case where I feel we have a three- or four-thousand word story hiding in a two-thousand one. More time could have been spent gathering Gallus’s fears and using them to such a suspenseful degree that the act of having to ride the Beach Party itself might have served as a cathartic release. There are a lot of tools being played with, and I feel that Nitro could have done a lot more with them. As a “skeletal” first-edition, the story certainly functions, but I can’t escape this lingering feeling that I was supposed to read a bit more. Once again, I must reiterate: slow down. It won’t hurt your story; it’ll instead help harness it. 

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Thanks!

Pacing has always been a concern for me, but I thought this fic was when I started to get better at it.

Also, I’ll admit it, Terramar was only there because it wouldn’t make sense for him not to be.