TPicking Up the Dust

• MLP: FiM
• Drama
• Sad
• Slice of Life

After Lightning Dust gets drunk and carried home, her mom suggests something she won't like.

• Narcotics
• Rainbow Dash
• OC
• Lightning Dust

Penguifyer · 3.3k words  ·  106  0 · 2.1k views

Description

Lightning Dust has hit rock bottom, drunk at a bar and complaining about her. After being carried home, her mom suggests something top her no self-proclaimed greatest flyer in Equestria would ever stoop to. Desperate, she might do it anyway.

Initial Thoughts

(Noting the description: I think that’s supposed to say “something to her [that] no self-proclaimed”)

Lightning Dust is one of those characters in the show who I have very little opinion on. It’s been a while since I’ve seen episodes featuring her, but from what I remember, she is more-or-less the representation of a “bad” Rainbow Dash. Her vanity and arrogance proves her downfall. This story appears to be an exploration of what happens after.

Spoilers follow!

Summary

Lightning Dust is not a successful mare, at least by her account. Having washed out of the Wonderbolts and ending the Washouts, there is little else for her to aspire to. But after a night of drinking leads her back home to her concerned parents, her mother suggests a new avenue: trying out for the Cloudsdale Fly Team. Though hesitant, Lightning decides to give it a shot. 

To her surprise, she finds success; and perhaps more so, becomes an unlikely mentor to a young colt named Stormbolt. A contract received, Lightning practices and teaches Stormbolt, but cannot bring herself to be in the same vicinity as the Wonderbolts when they visit. But it is Rainbow Dash who is able to breach her defenses and demonstrate a willingness to put things behind and simply congratulate Dust for her success. 

Plot

I think we’ve all been there, regardless of our personal dispositions: having failed and failed over and over again, we question whether we should continue trying. To have Lightning Dust face such a dilemma is not only concrete, but wholly believable; there is little doubt that her ego could not have survived two massive failings on her part. In a way, it seems that this story’s premise is as natural a premise as could come - and while the opening, with its use of a drunk mare heading home after one too many bad days, is a bit on the nose, it works well as a means of contrasting the initial tone of the story and then the subsequent presentation. 

Penguifyer does a good job, too, of reaching that presentation. Though arguably the heart of the story (to borrow a phrase from my fellow reviewer, Nailah) takes place during the tryouts and subsequent practice sessions, the decision to not jump into that immediately ended up working quite nicely. We needed time to see Lightning at her lowest point, and moreover we needed time to explain that—really, the first third of this story is exposition, but necessary exposition, designed to introduce the reader, with as much information as possible (neither too much nor too little), to Lightning’s world post-dropout. 

Additionally, using a character like Stormbolt to “invigorate” Lightning Dust and make her do more than just mope was also a great decision. Penguifyer could just as easily have had her go to the tryouts, succeed or fail, and end the story there, but Stormbolt acts almost as a neutral buffer, reminding Dust that there are still ponies who, for better or for worse, won’t care if she failed. Much like her mother, and like Dash at the end, Stormbolt represents the idea of trial overcoming uncertainty, that effort is what pays in droves, not necessarily product. The lesson, as it were, is that there is more value in trying again despite setbacks, rather than moping in those setbacks and being afraid to be vulnerable once more.

This is all, however, a bit of a summarial analysis on my part. The build-up of the plot was good, most certainly, but the execution suffered a bit from a rather large issue: pacing. 

I’ll say this: I enjoyed the slow build to the tryouts. As I stated before, it worked, having a good thousand or so words devoted to Lightning coming to terms with her failures, and her mother encouraging her to try again. However, Lightning’s subsequent acceptance of this chance felt a bit too quick, even if it made some logical narrative sense. The same could be said about how she interacts with Stormbolt, because though I enjoyed their relationship within the story, there wasn’t much time spent exploring why they needed to interact in the first place.

I’ll break down the first example. After her mother suggests she join the Cloudsdale Fly Team, the following exchange occurs:

Lightning threw the pamphlet at her mom who caught it with her forelegs. “You don’t understand. It’s embarrassing to go from Wonderbolt team leader to them.”

“The Wonderbolts do the same thing they do, just harder and better.”

“There’s no way I’m stooping that low.”

Her mom grabbed on to her shoulders. “Just trust me. You don’t have to accept the contract if you get one. But I think it’ll be a nice confidence boost if you get a contract from anywhere. Promise me you’ll at least try out.”

In this exchange, Lightning’s hesitancy derives from two places: shame and fear. Shame, of course, is found in how she describes the Team, how horrified she is for her mother to suggest that she, Lightning Dust, ought to try out for them; and fear is found underneath, in how her mother speaks to the possibility of a confidence boost. 

Then the exchange ends with the following:

Lightning Dust looked away and sighed. At this point, she was desperate for anything. She snatched the pamphlet from her mom’s hooves. “I better.”

“We both know you’re good enough to get one.”

Lightning backed up and walked towards the door. “I know.” She slammed the door behind her and collapsed. “I hope.”

Lightning, however, doesn’t strike me as a particularly “lax” character. While drunk, yes, and certainly suffering from a desperation to prove herself, it was hard for me to wholly believe that she’d so easily decide to follow through. We are told, really, that she’s desperate, but that doesn’t quite show itself in the story. 

Part of Dust’s transformation throughout this story is a personal realization that failure doesn’t mean as much as we might think it does, but for that realization to have an impact, her unwillingness to change should have been highlighted, if not otherwise explored. Would Dust really submit to her mother’s insistence, if she is a particularly vain character? Even if she did so just to get her mother off her case, there should be something to suggest her annoyance with her nagging. It would be a small transformation, of course, but still one worth representing. 

Allow me next to break down Lightning and Stormbolt’s partnership. Stormbolt, as the story is apt to point out, is a fellow tryout, but unlike Lightning and the others in the line, he’s perfectly willing to converse with what amounts to his competition. He talks to Dust, and asks for any tips, because he thinks she has some level of experience. 

Dust is quick to acquiesce, talking about tick marks and not to make them. There was a level of cordiality and sportsmanship that was nice to read, but as to whether it fit Dust’s character, I’m not so sure. Though she does spout some underlying misgivings (saying, “What do you want, kid?”), the fact that she nevertheless gives him a tip without much hesitation seems ill-fitting. 

On one hand, I can logic this out and say she knows she has the advantage of being an actually great flier, so she wouldn’t hesitate to give a newbie a tip, since it won’t affect her chances. But on the other hand, that isn’t really shown. Dust’s arrogance—the flaw that really cements her perception of herself—doesn’t quite demonstrate itself in this part of the plot. Bar some frowning and short sentences, she at least is willing, which seems more of a point of plot convenience rather than proper characterization. 

(Sidenote: at this point it seems I am grouping Plot with Characterization, but since the two are inexorably linked… well, take that as you will.)

My overall point is that for how nice aesthetically this reads, it’s a bit too fast. Even though it makes sense as the end result, or as what Lightning Dust should become, the steps she ought to take to reach that transformation are barebones and slight. 

For a bit more of a direct suggestion, when I look back over the parts where Lightning observes the other fliers, there’s room for incorporating some of her inner thoughts and feelings towards them. Perhaps she could burn with a kind of shame that her mother had put this up to her, that she had even agreed to it, and silently judge each flier, and ironically, herself. That could naturally lead to her being more hesitant around Stormbolt. Then, when Lightning has to perform, a little more detail could be spent on how she addresses and perceives herself. Does she think this is too easy? Does she try to hold back because she doesn’t particularly care? Though, the fact that she accepted the proposition in the first place suggests she does care… in which case maybe she would be a bit of a tryhard, just to get an edge over the otherwise lackluster competition…

Do you see how I’ve opened up a lot of avenues for exploration? More time, I think, could have been spent in the inner world of Lightning Dust—a world that would have made the plot a bit more rich. 

Funnily, enough, though, I think all the pieces are there. Rather than pulling things out of the ether, Penguifyer could very easily simply go over the story as it is, and sense where pieces feel under-developed and/or rushed. The narrative points that I’ve suggested all can be found in the text; they just need to be drawn out and given new life. 

Score - 7 / 10

Characterization

In the Plot section of this review, I note that I’ve ended up weaving Plot and Characterization together, at least in regards to Lightning Dust. That may initially seem to make this part of the review unnecessary, but I nevertheless want to explore what I think works for this particular instance of Dust, and what needs to be improved upon. 

Something that we should note is that ego and arrogance are a breath away from simple confidence—that is, the distance between being confident and being a show-off are far closer than we’d like. This was something that the episode “Boast Busters” briefly explored, but which I think the characterizations of Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust represent. It’s not easy being either, because both are very good at what they do—their efforts and feats are justified by their singular ability to perform them. 

As I said in the Initial Thoughts section, part of what separates Rainbow from Dust is her loyalty to her values and an unwillingness to sabotage them, others, and herself, for the sake of a goal. Arguably she is also the character in the show who struggles to keep to such a stance, but it is that effort that makes her interesting. Dust doesn’t have that effort in the show. Dust doesn’t care enough, and it is only through an event so jarring—washing out of the Wonderbolts and then tossing out the Washbolts—that she has any hope of reorganizing her life and changing to have that effort. 

But, again, that event has to be jarring. It has to reach deep into the core of Dust’s egotism problem and disrupt it. It’s very hard to get a narcissist to see beyond themselves, but sometimes it is the defeat of the spirit that allows one to overcome their own egotism. Humility is the lesson that Dust needs to learn, which may involve her reorienting herself to change her own goals, change who she wants to be, why she is herself. 

“Picking Up the Dust” confronts that lesson through Dust’s relationship with, really, herself. Though alarming to see her in such a destructive state at the beginning, if we account for how her ego is, in fact, a fragile lie, then it makes sense that she should become so despondent following two massive blow-ups. And that makes her hesitancy in trying again—and her insistence on regulating herself to an absolute: “I’m a failure, that’s all I’ll ever be”—interesting and rather tragic. 

I don’t have to like Dust as a character to sympathize with her, which this presentation certainly facilitates. This is a broken character who goes through the process of picking herself up. That’s the journey that Penguifyer takes us on, and it ultimately is a journey that feels fitting—it feels resolved, satisfying. 

But that doesn’t mean there aren’t problems with it. Dust’s journey is over a bit too quickly, and little time, it seems, is spent lingering in her mind, in her doubts and confusions. Dust doesn’t seem to really question what she’s doing, or why. The flaws that make her the opposite to Rainbow Dash, as I said, aren’t there, but there are hints that they ought to be. 

Going back to the issue of her mentoring Stormbolt, this skeletal presentation becomes all the more apparent. It seems that Stormbolt is supposed to mean something more, at least narratively speaking: he is the catalyst that gets Dust to change, but the reason why he is that catalyst isn’t fully explored. And Dust’s willingness to help him… well, I’ve already discussed that. 

Both characters have interesting premises, though. Stormbolt, for example, seems content with what he’s doing, and he admires the Wonderbolts, his father, Rainbow Dash, and, perhaps to a smaller extent, Lightning Dust. The act of simply talking to her, reaching out despite them being total strangers, suggests much to his character. He recognizes what Dust doesn’t: her skill is genuine, if her attitude isn’t. But, again, not much is done with him. Not much is done to flesh him out and possibly turn him into more than a character of convenience. 

The opportunity is there, of course. Could Lightning being a mentor to a pony like Stormbolt incur a change in her attitude? Could Stormbolt be similar to her in some ways, perhaps in her enthusiasm for flying, which had been inexorably linked to her perceived success as a Wonderbolt? And, moreover: Lightning Dust wants to fly, but she spends the story trying to figure out why that isn’t because she wanted to be a Wonderbolt. Could Stormbolt help her figure that out?

Score - 6 / 10

Syntax

There weren’t really instances of poor grammar or sentence construction throughout this story, but one thing I have to point out is a few cases of head-hopping. 

By head-hopping, I mean instances where the “camera” of the story seems to jump between perspectives without rhyme or reason. It’s important that writers take into account what perspective is in stories, and what kinds are there. We know of the POVs (1st, 2nd, 3rd), but there are certain kinds of each. Here’s a somewhat detailed list:

• 1st Person Limited, common to most 1st Person narratives: we only see the narrator’s thoughts and feelings, not other characters
• 1st Person Omniscient, rare but used to be common: the narrator is a character in the story, but also is aware of what other characters think and feel.
• 2nd Person, common in letters (epistolary), but in Choose Your Own Adventures, the You becomes a character within the story, rather than the respondent
• 3rd Person Limited: the most common perspective, where we are told the story through the eye of a character who doesn’t engage in 1st person narration. (Uses he, she, they)
• 3rd Person Objective: a more nuanced kind of “limited.” The story takes an “objective” and distant view, kind of like watching from a seat in a theater. We don’t get to see any of the character’s thoughts or feelings beyond what is physically apparent. (See: plays, and Hemingway’s short story, “Hills Like White Elephants”)
• 3rd Person Omniscient: we get to see everyone’s thoughts and feelings, told through 3rd person pronouns. Lots of head-hopping. Jane Austen used this in Pride and Prejudice. Allows, too, for an unseen narrator to “comment” on characters. 

Generally, we advise writers to stick to one POV, because it’s simpler and easier for both writers and readers to understand a story when presented with one camera lens. It’s entirely possible to combine two POVs and kinds of perspectives, but that requires a lot of nuance.

“Picking Up the Dust” is mostly 3rd Person Limited. In general, Penguifyer sticks to this without much error, but there are points where they jump into another character’s POV without much reason. For example:

The routine barely challenged Lightning after trying out for the Wonderbolts: a basic formation flying, a couple of loops, simple obstacles, and ten minutes of endurance. She darted around the clouds and curved around the obstacles with ease. Back at the academy, she would’ve shown off with tight turns and risky loops, but her current apathy prevented that.

The colt walked up to Swift Rain, both of them gazing at Lightning Dust. “She’s pretty good.”

“She is.” Swift Rain motioned for another instructor standing by who trotted to him. He held his hoof to her ear, pointed at Lightning Dust, and whispered, “Make sure she gets a contract.”

The first paragraph is in 3rd person limited, as are the second and third paragraphs, but whose perspective this is written in changes. The second and third paragraphs suggest that we are no longer seeing things from Lighting’s view. We’ve jumped from “her moment” to Stormbolt’s and Swift Rain’s. In fact, it seems that we’ve subtly made the leap into Swift Rain’s head, since he performs an action: holding a hoof to her ear, pointing at Lighting Dust, whispering. 

Taken together, these three paragraphs change the perspective to a robust form of 3rd Person Omniscient, but taken as a whole, it was a little jarring. It also kind of defeats the drama since Swift Rain resolves the question of “Will Dust get a contract?” If Dust were to walk by and hear Stormbolt say what he says, that would be fine, but as it stands this change in perspective comes off as clunky.

Score - 9 / 10 

Final Score - (7 + 6 + 9) / 3 = 7.3

Final Thoughts

On the whole, this isn’t a bad story. I enjoyed the setup, and it gave me a bit more appreciation into the character of Lightning Dust, and how other authors have written her. What really hits the story hard is its quickness, which doesn’t seem to stem from a case of bad structure, but rather not quite knowing how to flesh things out. If I had to guess, this is a story that wasn’t necessarily planned for every detail, and was perhaps an experiment into “pantser” writing. (That’s all right, because I’m more of a “pantser” than “planner” myself, though this review might not suggest that.) 

Regardless of the method, there’s room to add than to cut, and I think all the pieces that would need to be added are already in the story. Slow down a bit and look for them; you’ll find that you have all that you need. 

Good review! I read this one as well, and I totally agree with your assessment.

You're the third reviewer/proofreader to point out that I'm a bit too minimalist in my writing. Guess it's time to make a change.

I think you're pretty on point with the criticism. I'm so used to design by subtraction, since that was how I was taught, that I find myself having to add stuff in while editing. There could be worse problems, though.

I'll definitely work on that going forward.