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Summary: Writing a summary is a bit tricky this time since the content of the story is quite a mess. It is a mix of events around Occelus, Chryssalis and the young six starting in a library/study and going over to scenes from Chryssy's life (maybe) and Occelus fighting the spirit of Chryssy who is trying to take over her body (or not, who knows?).

Let me point this out again, the story is quite a mess and not a positive one. 

From what I understood, somehow Chryssy tries to take over Occelus body while she and her friends are in the library to study for an exam. Then Occelus hears humming, stares into the light of a lamp (like a moth) and then go crazy trying to kill everycreature.

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I assume this story wants to let you have your own interpretation of the scenes, but, a basic red line or at least a purpose for the scenes that happen would have been nice. It is possible to understand the scenes on their own, but why we see a scene when Chryssy takes over the hive back in the days out of nowhere for no purpose in the story? I don't know. Also the scenes go over into each other without even a proper transition, leaving the reader even more confused.

It feels a bit more like the author had a bunch of ideas and tried to bring them together in a story. The start is more dark and probably for the horror tag and the horror contest. It a bit too blunt and overdone. Then it goes over to the 'plot' of the story, and without proper transition into flashbacks. One of the flashbacks actually explains what happens a bit before the start of the story, while the other is a nice scene of its own in some weird way, but has no purpose in the story at all. 

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Rating: Organisation 1/10
Story idea 2/10 Well, I think the idea of Chryssy taken over Occelus (due the hive mind?) is worth a bit. Though, this can't really be called a story and therfore the 'story' idea score is quite low.
Entertainment factor 1/10 It is supposed to be a horror story, but it is not scary nor is it fun to read with how scrambled everything is. 

4/30 

->1.3/10

(Yeah I know normally I don't give lower than 5/10, but I must say I can't give this story a 5/10 with good conscience. I also talked with some of the other reviewers about this story since I was considering that I simple don't get it or miss something about it. Though, the reviewers who have read this told me they share my opinion mostly, there was just a bit of difference in the score but that is nothing major.)

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Okay first things first, I have reviewed stories by this author before, like Life of Twi and The Divine Epidemic, and they scored quite good or okay. So this author can write proper stories.

Though this one here, it needs a huge clean up:
Organisation of the scenes which happens
Reducing the 'for the sake of it' dark stuff and make it meaningful and have an impact
A purpose or reason for the Chryssy scene from back in the days to happen
Overall some focus adjustments, like is this supposed to scare or give info or whatever in the scenes and the transitions.

7225577

why we see a scene when Chryssy takes over the hive back in the days out of nowhere for no purpose in the story

Because she thinks the Queen is evil so plans to kill her just to end up being evil herself? Because she wanted to end tyranny to stop being controlled just to wind up controlling Ocellus?

Reducing the 'for the sake of it' dark stuff and make it meaningful and have an impact

That takes away the entire horror thriller aspect. Each scene wouldn't exist the way they do without the dark storytelling.

Honestly, when you say each scene doesn't have a point, I disagree. However, I do agree with everything else you say. This isn't my best work and is, in fact, entirely experimental. I wrote it in two separate sittings and submitted it into the contest last minute, so I'm not surprised it got such a low score.

Thanks for the review, at least!

7225801
I said every scene can be understood by its own, it is the connection that is the problem. The scene may have a meaning, but the greater storyline behind it is blurry at best.

The idea for chryssys motivation sounds entertaining, but it is not to see in the Story, or at least not so easely.

7225816
I getcha. On the note about the horror side, I've been told it feels very horror to most people (this includes the ending), so I didn't quite understand what you on the dark content matter being pointless when it's the very high fuel for the thriller side of the story and goes in line with the study session. If this is because you weren't scared or the story was too confusing, I won't be upset.

7225844
It is my opinion that for horror to be working, it needs to be used in little amounts at first and build up. Like intensefie the horror atmosphere over time and then bring the big 'guns' jumpscares and therelike. What I mean regarding your story is that you just throw in various horror elements right from the start. It does not work out in my small opinion.
Well it may work on younger audience, but in a mature rated story for adults, it is a bit inefficent to just push it at the reader.

7225866
Okay, I get what you're saying. Thanks a bunch for your thoughts.