[Unpublished stories cannot be embedded]

Summary of Story:
So it seems like the world doesn't care, but yet I do; but I don't know why. I give myself away, but maybe too much. I use to be someone else, but now, I live a life of lies.

The only truth anymore must be found after this life. Time to move on I suppose. I'm sorry, I really am.

Introduction section: Hello, every pony. Nailah here again. Hope you are all liking my reviews with the new formatting. Been trying to make my reviews even better. If you have any feedback or suggestions I'd love to hear, but for now, let's dig in to the actual review. I mean that's why you're here...right?

Initial thoughts: Okay, this story is quite blatantly about suicide. Like I don't think there's any reason in not saying this. I myself once upon a time struggled with the thought of suicide. This story is about a character who's name we never learn. We aren't this character because it's not in 2nd person. This story felt like it was trying to be sympethic, and wants you to feel for it, but it just doesn't do it right. I'll dive more into this below. 5/10

What I liked: Well, if there was one thing I liked, it was the format/stylistic choice to make this a letter. Letter type stories aren't very common, and if done well can be quite interesting. This story falls flat in doing this, but I'll give credit for trying.

What I didn't like: Everything else. The character we are supposed to care about is never given a name. The way it starts out, is we never learn really how they got to this point, and we are supposed to care about this character. And the way in how this character is writing this letter it almost comes off as "whiny" Yes. It's horrible that they felt like they were nothing, but let me see if I can take the beginning of this piece and address some of it's problems.

From story: Why oh why do I care? Is it because I thought if I did, then maybe I’d be accepted? That others around me would see the good in me as I thought I saw in them. But in the end, all I found was just pain. How many betrayals have I endured up to this point, yet still held onto hope? Hope is a lie. I’m as lonely as I’ve ever been before. Maybe this is how it’s meant to be though. I can help others, but it feels like nothing can help me. No one can help me. No one ever will be able to because I lie every day, and everyone believes this facade. I fear, and somehow know, they will never see the truth.

My thoughts: Okay, why this doesn't work. First off it's WAY too long. You could simplify this up with description and body language giving you the flow of the feelings. It's also a bit repetitive with the whole why me. No one cares, no one ever will. Which I'm pretty sure might be a trope in what you should have in a story like this. Now how do you fix this? Well honestly, you rewrite it.

Example: She felt the teardrops streaming down their face, as they hugged their knees. "Why should I care?" She pouted, as she wiped the tears from her yes. She tilted her head sideways glancing down at her hand. Hope was a lie. It was all for nothing. She clenched her fist, and wanted somehow to take it all away. She felt like nothing. What else could she do but end her pain? She shivered in fear, but knew there was no other way.

Grammar: The paragraphs are very chunky. It's like a GIANT wall of text. They could be broken down a bit more, or even shortened. There was also quite a few other issues I noticed. 6/10

Characterization: What characterization? I don't see it here. 2/10

Story/Concept: The story here is about a depressed young person writing a letter to let everyone know why they are going through with this. As a concept in itself, it's probably been done to death, and there's nothing. Literally nothing here that makes this it's own thing. Literally, I can't recommend you even read it for the whole "cry your eyes" out feels. Because it wants you to care, but at the end you just feel empty. 4/10

Overall thoughts: This story NEEDS a rewrite. Like the idea in itself isn't bad. There's just too many problems here for it to be good or even passable. Again, for a story that certainly wants you to feel for this character, I just felt nothing, empty. Devoid of any emotional impact. And I don't want this to be all negative, so I will give the author credit for trying something different. Writing a letter as a story isn't easy, and it's clear you were trying. Just maybe put a bit more effort. Okay, a LOT more effort into it if you decide to do this kind of thing again. 5/10

NEW SECTION:
Headpat worthy: No
Boop worthy:
Meh!: Yes.
Cringe Level: No

Final score: 5+6+2+4+5=22/50
4.4/10

To the author: Don't give up! Keep on writing. Sometimes you can put all your hard work into a piece and submit it thinking everything will be great, people will love your story, but if I just lie to you and tell you this is good, I wouldn't be a good person. This story needs a lot of work, I'd suggest a complete rewrite, however I know you can have potential, so keep trying.