TThe Bounty Hunter's Journey: The Escape from Stalliongrad

• MLP: FiM
• EaW
• Adventure

A Griffon Frontier bounty hunter, Jean De Basse, has been forced into a once in the lifetime job, a target so valuable that he could pay off his debt once and for all. Not that he has a choice in the matter.

• Violence
• Profanity
• Alt. Universe
• OC
• Griffons

Jean De Basse - Woolie · 10k words  ·  35  2 · 1.1k views

For a story that’s coming in at just under ten thousand words, there is quite a lot to unpack with this story. I know nothing about the Equestria at War universe or the lore/worldbuilding behind it, so I also don’t know how much of this world is from the author’s imagination and how much is already set and written. I can’t really think of anything else to say here, so let’s dive right in.

The story follows the main character of Jean De-Basse (not to be confused with the author of the story, mind you) as he receives a new bounty contract. For this case, Jean must locate Paddy Rockefeller and return her to her father, a wealthy billionaire.

When I said earlier that this takes place in psuedo-Soviet Russia, I wasn’t kidding. The country of… well, Stalliongrad, I think is what its called here, quite literally uses communism as its governmental system, has a big red flag with a familiar symbol, and yes, the ponies call each other ‘comrade.’ Is this a thing that the Equestria at War universe does? I dunno, but it's something interesting to be aware of.

Plotwise, the beginning starts off very strong. After reading the first line, I was thinking “yeah, now this is something I can get behind!”

And then I had doubts at the second line. Why? Because of the dreaded onomatopoeia. For more on this point see ‘grammar.’  

But chugging right along past that, this is an action story. And action scenes are very difficult to write. I learned this the hard way when writing my own stories, and I clearly still haven’t learned my lesson because I’m writing another action story despite not being able to write an action scene.

But that’s neither here nor now. There are a lot of aspects as to what makes an action scene ‘good,’ but since I’m not really qualified I can only give you a few pointers. First of all, length. There are I think three big action scenes in this story, yet all of them feel too short. 

Again, I know that fight scenes are hard to do. And I suffer from the very same problem I’m pointing out. Seriously. In the beta phase of ‘Legend of Daring Do,’ my wonderful beta reader left pretty much the same comment on every single fight scene: ‘it’s nice, but it should be longer.’

So what do I mean when I say ‘make it longer?’ I’m not talking about sentence structures, and I’m not talking about adding so many insignificant details that you bore the reader completely. I mean tease it out. Think about how your scene is choreographed, then try and add little pieces here and there. Cannibal throws a punch. Jean blocks it but leaves his right side open. Cannibal throws an uppercut. Etcetera.

The gunplay could probably also benefit from some more details as well, but I think you’d be better off asking somebody more qualified in this genre. Alas, I am but a lowly reviewer. 

Next thing I want to mention is that a lot of things in the plotline I find… questionable. Three examples come to mind: first, Jean asks his employer why he is being asked to locate a target, even though he hasn’t been told what his mission is yet. This I think is more of a mistake than anything and can be easily fixed

But then we have two scenes that I really have a problem with: Paddy killing an Azkaban officer who just so happens to look like her, and Paddy also conveniently being able to fly a plane, which even more conveniently is their only route of escape off the island… and even more conveniently, they aren’t chased by any other planes when they flee, even though there is presumably an entire operational air force nearby.

A lot of the plot just seems too convenient for me. I understand the author has to have the characters escape in some way, but having Paddy look so alike the dead officer that she can pass an ID inspection? And being able to fly not just any kind of plane, but a military bomber? It all seems extremely surreal and almost a bit too lucky for me.

Last point for plot I have is pacing. There are a few scenes that don’t really seem necessary, in particular the scenes in between Jean’s departure from Frosthill and arrival in Azkaban. There are I think three odd paragraphs that just have narration and no specific action or dialogue that simply serve to rush the story along to the next point. I think the author could just forego these scenes entirely and have a simple paragraph or two explaining his journey, or just as a flashback, rather than quick setting changes that make it hard for the reader to follow along.

So, I think I have a problem with Jean: I don’t know where he’s from. Is he French? He uses a few french words here and there. Is he from the west? He has an accent. I have a hard time pinning him down.

On the topic of accents, Jean’s is wildly inconsistent. There are times where he drops his ‘g’s after -ing’ verbs and times he doesn’t. Sometimes he drops his ‘d’s after ‘and’s and sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes he says ‘ya’ and other times ‘you,’ etcetera. Writing accents is a bit of a tricky task that requires a good balance: too little of an accent and it vanishes, too much and the reader has no idea what the character is saying. In this case, I think the author needs to figure out what traits he wants Jean’s accent to have and stick to it.

Paddy on the other hand (hoof) is, I think, a fairly well written character with the most arc in the story. Her tragic backstory is set, her motives are clear, and her actions speak for themselves. I think her character is satisfactory despite the fact that I have no idea what she does for a living.

As for the villain, Commissar Coal… I don’t know. Am I supposed to like him? Hate him? Because as it stands he really doesn’t seem to do a whole lot. I don’t get a sense of how much power he holds, what other motives he has (if any), or why I should feel bad (if I should) when he dies. I mean, is he even the central villain? Maybe it’s actually Rockefeller? Or the corporate guy? I dunno. 

Remember when I said earlier I’d talk about onomatopoeias? Well, here it is! Me talking about onomatopoeias! 

Bang! Crack! Pow! You know, those things. Are they a thing in language? Yeah. Do I like them? Nope, not at all.

Here’s why: I think there are better ways to tell us that a sound has happened. This kind of plays into the concept of ‘show, don’t tell’ as well. An onomatopoeia ‘tells’ us that a sound has happened. The gun was shot. What sound did it make? ‘Bang,’ says the story. Okay, cool.

But there are other ways to show us that a sound has happened. “The gunshot echoed off of the empty halls, cutting through the silence like a hot knife through butter.” That sentence for example gives us imagery instead of just telling us that ‘gun go bang,’ and is a bit more effective in getting the same message across (that a gun was fired).

Is this detrimental to the story? Probably not, but the only reason I bring this up is because this really turned me off after such a strong beginning. There’s also the viewpoint that onomatopoeias are a bit amateurish, and kind of break the tense, grim mood that the author is trying to get across. 

The only other major grammatical thing I think I should cover is rank capitalization. When you refer to a military rank followed by a name, for example General Frost or Major Pain, then the first letter of the rank is capitalized. But, when you only refer to the rank, for example “I gave a morphine shot to the major,” the rank is not capitalized.

Now let’s put it at the beginning of a sentence with the word ‘the.’ Written in a sentence, it would be “The general is a cold fellow.” Notice the ‘g’ is not capitalized. Also notice that in my previous example, the ‘t’ in ‘the’ is not capitalized either.

(This is my understanding of how this works. If anyone wants to jump in with an ‘ACTUALLY RED YOU’RE DUMB, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS,’ please do.) 

All in all, a decent story. I feel that I’d be able to appreciate it more if I had a better understanding of the Equestria at War universe, but I think I have enough information to make my own judgement.

Honestly, this doesn’t feel like it should be a one-shot. It feels like it should be something more. A bigger work. Because a lot of this story seems hobbled together, with scenes that move quickly and don’t delve into as many themes as I think it could have.

It was still enjoyable, but I get the feeling that the author may find more success if this story was expanded. Now I know this is a contest piece and I don’t know the limitations the author has, but I get the feeling that he’s not quite done with Jean De Basse, and we just might see more of him in the future.

If you like Equestria at War, bounty hunter stories, or action stories, give this piece a spin.

A decent work so far. Best of luck to you in the contest! I think you should probably tweak those fight scenes a little more and maybe talk to other action reviewers/writers (from my understanding you’re already getting a review from a pretty good one) before taking what I said to heart. Maybe address those plot points and touch up Jean’s accent, and who knows, you just might win!

I do have my reading notes for your fic, if you would like to see them let me know.

Plot: 5
Characterization: 7
Grammar: 8

Average: 6.67

Appreciate the review man! You're right on the money with everything!

While I disagree with the take on onomatopoeia, I did make the amateurish move with the military ranks/Jean's accent. Took the time this morning to correct those! Only one that's left up now is "the Graff" because its one of those in-universe things.

In the action scene school, I was always told to keep them simple and to the point. More John Wick rather than Bruce Lee!

I'm doing another piece with the same characters right now! Again, appreciate your help and will key you up again when the next iteration is ready!

(EDIT 1:) - Really wanted to confirm really quick, I'm confused with this part.

first, Jean asks his employer why he is being asked to locate a target, even though he hasn’t been told what his mission is yet. This I think is more of a mistake than anything and can be easily fixed

Doubled checked the story, this is when Jean is asking about the Black Card right? Then Clay does the 'flip the newspaper down', you're doing this job speech.

7190787

No problem! I do have my notes for your story if you would like to see them.

Yes, I believe that’s the part. Good luck with your writing!

7190960
Yeah send them my way in a PM, I'd appreciate them!

Just double checked everything, the idea is that he was asking about 'why' there was a black card contract since that was supposed to be like: "oh shit, this is a scuzzy deal what's going on"

7191008
I covered this in my notes, I think, but the line in particular was "acquire the target."

Here's what I said:

So if Jean is just now learning about the specifics of his bounty, why did he assume earlier his mission was to ‘acquire the target?’ Especially if his regular duties involve killing cannibals?