ETo Save a Plant

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random

A dire situation is happening in the School of Friendship. Trixie thinks the whole thing is ridiculous.

• Twilight
• Trixie
• Starlight Glimmer
• Sunburst
• Phyllis

ThePinkedWonder · 1.9k words  ·  105  4 · 2.8k views

I read: Completed at 1 chapter, 2k words   
I rate: 6/10
I recommend: Read if you like Starlight, Trixie, or Airplane-style comedic antics.

Right. I’m back in Nairobi and what do I have to show for it? Sunburn! That and a scuba diving license, but mostly sunburn and also a mild hangover. Word of advice, there is a definitive upper limit to the amount of mimosas one man can drink and it is probably reached before five. Anyhow, the story. Pretend, if you will, dear reader, that I wrote an amusing segue way here.

Today’s plot is that Trixie throws Starlight’s beloved pot plant, Phyllis, in the garbage and everyone, save for everyone’s second favourite belligerent blue braggart, decides to overreact and treat the damaged plant like the end of the world. Not a new idea, not really, and the way the writer draws this whole thing out is not executed particularly well. The situation doesn’t so much escalated satisfyingly as it does just go on and on. I finished this feeling tired, not amused and the payoff for all of this is that Trixie ends up feeling the very same way.

In terms of characterisation things are a little better. Everyone is in character, or at least close enough to that to be comedic yet vaguely plausible. Trixie really stands out here, acting as a foil to the whole cast while still keeping her own ego and eclectic tendencies. Otherwise there really isn’t much to say for this - the rest of the school present; Twilight, Starlight, Yona; all stress out over the plant and manage, barely, to carry the scene along.

Likewise, the writer’s style here is adequate but not much more than that. ThePinkedWonder can write decently and some of the comedy got a genuine laugh out of me but I found that it didn’t possess any particular flourishes or style, which had the effect of the whole story feeling a bit bland. This really could have been an opportunity for completely over-the-top narration to fit the absurdity of the story but that was sadly missed and, at the same time, the writing isn’t really deadpan enough to have a similar effect. 

Plot: 2/5. Underwhelming. Nothing really felt like it had a satisfying payoff and the whole overreaction shtick overstayed its welcome.
Characters: 3/5. Everyone is in character and having Trixie play straight man for once is a nice idea but, apart from that, there isn’t anything that particularly impresses.
Style: 3/5. The somewhat tongue in cheek narration is appreciable and the comedy is acceptable, although not particularly remarkable.
Execution: 3/5. It's a workable absurd comedy but, as I have before stated, it is nothing special.
Overall Rating: 11/20 = 6/10

To ThePinkedWonder: My advice to improve this particular story would be either to cut it down to, say, 1.5k words as not to draw out the comedy to the point it becomes stale or repetitive or to add more comedy into it and ramp up the stakes and reactions even more as to really hammer in how silly this idea is. I see this as the story being stuck in this middle ground and improving it would necessitate you picking a side and sticking with it. In future, I wouldn’t mind seeing more Trixie stories as you can write her fairly well and get her voice to come through - that’s something I’ve honestly found to be rather rare on this site.

For something like this: Photo-Sympathetic is a longer story with a reasonably similar premise - it stars Trixie and Starlight but, this time, Phyllis is actually sapient and acts as a confidant for the latter pony. I haven’t read the whole thing, namely as I was busy trying to write an entire tabletop rpg and learn to scuba dive this past week, but it definitely shows promise.

As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this story, why not check out some more of my writing? My YA novel Paper Girl has just reached its thrilling conclusion!   

7091390

I see, and thanks for your thoughts and points.

Some in the comments also said the comedy was a bit too repetitive and dragged on a little too long, so I'm not too surprised that you said it too. It's something I even worked on improving in the stories I wrote after this one. They are more unpredictable.

And since you wouldn't mind seeing more Trixie stories, The next time I write one, I can ask you to review it since you have an interest in it.

7091444
Go ahead and submit it to my folder then. I'd be happy to review it.

Everything this guy writes is something to be on the lookout for, because it's well worth reading. Goes for both of you, really.