The Hybrid by red reaper

This story will be, I pray, the only story I will not have a positives section for. I have been looking long and hard for something that I can commend it for, but one aspect of this story prevents me from finding such an animal, the writing. I tried, I honestly did, but there is no avoiding the fact that the writing here is not just in need of an overhaul, but I can not stress enough the need of the author to find an editor, and now. 

Ok. So. I started this story, and in the first 200 words we start by introducing two OCs, having them fall for each other instantly, and to top it off, this all happens canonically before the dark age known as ‘Thorax’s existence’. I could already tell that I was about to be met with a bad time. I value seeing stories that take their sweet time getting going and can handle a story that starts with a brisk pace and keeps it that way, but when a story starts at mach 12 and stays there I feel like I got transported to an alternate reality where pacing stopped existing. What I would usually see done in a few pages or write myself in an entire chapter or two happens in the same time it would take me to put on my pants, and I timed it. The entire time I could only think of this image:

And it wasn't just this section either, the entire pacing of this story reads like the author just took their notes on the plot points they wanted to hit, wrote the information for connecting the points, and just forgot to write the actual surrounding story. Past that the dialogue, oh god the dialogue. If the story failed to get past the points being connected, the dialogue never got past the ‘this is the idea for what I want them to say’ stage. This is really hard to convey properly but the dialogue just isn’t used to its full potential in bringing the characters to life. It just moves us from point A to B. 

"Hello Pinkie pie" the filly said and Pinkie knew she who the filly is.

"Cozy glow" Pinkie moved backword to the door just to be blocked by a black hooded figure.

"Hello and goodbye Pinke pie" The hooded figure said in cold voice

And finally, the writing. This story needs an editor full stop. Among the writing problems are: missing words, wrong words, inconsistent application of capitalization, and to top it off, failure to add commas. If the author is not a native English speaker I can understand the errors as I edit for someone like that, but such a situation is still not an excuse for not looking for an editor. 

Final scores:

Pacing; 3/10, This was bad. I know it might be a joke to people that read my reviews, because it is to me, but this story needed more words. And I don't just mean about a chapter's worth of words (about 3K-5K) but an entire story’s worth (30K+). If the author writes another story or comes back to this one, a major fix that needs to be made is the lengthening of scenes to more than about 500 words to something more substantial like 3-5K.

Writing; 2/10, An editor is needed. I have read stories with a poor writing and could usually look past that and find some enjoyment. The issue here is that the errors were so egregious and numerus that I legitimately had to think long and hard over exactly what the author was trying to do or convey with this story.

Characters and plot; 3/10, While I would usually separate these the fact the pacing is as off as it is has created a terrible fusion of the two. The plot is almost entirely character driven, and the characters are never given enough time to develop or stand out, leading to paper thin motivations, if a motivation is established at all. Do you see the problem? We have a story with a plot that relies on its characters but said characters are written in a way that prevents them from adding to or developing the plot. As a result the plot doesn’t really go anywhere and things just happen.

Total score; 8/30 or 2.66/10, Significant work needs to be put in on the authors end to; A) learn the skills needed for well written creative writing, and B) find an editor.

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...so what stopped you from giving everything a zero?