The Unicorn and the Crow

Tags: Gore, Drama, Mystery, Original Character

I try to not look before I leap too hard, to give a story a chance to show itself what it is, instead of what I want it to be, however... A few things jumped out at me. 130k, 4 chapters, those are large chapters. You may want to consider smaller chapters. They were all posted the same day, which does not help you reach more people. This is in no way a rant on the author, but these two factors alone can have a profound effect on how many people find your story. Every day you post an update is a new little chance to bring in new readers. Never squander that.

I did not run into any grammatical issues. I did feel the paragraphs, like the chapters, were a bit wordy. I couldn't shake the feeling of drowning in this work. Grammar: ★★★

Use of show canon: This is a story that is set in Equestria, but it isn't our Equestria, and isn't set in a place we know. They mention the princesses, but this is about strangers in ponyland, lots of strangers. It also seems to paint the history of the world in curious lights, weaving head/new canon liberally ★★+1/2

Character Consistency: I will say this. Every character feels realized. They have personalities, and they are powerful ones. For as much as I complain about other things, I tip my hat here. These characters have a purpose and a personality and it shows in almost everything they do. Kudos! ★★★★★

Plot Flow: This depends a little on what you want. Namely, this story presents a rich world and a setting so deep you could drown in it. If you're looking for that, this place has it for you! If not, you will flounder and have a miserable time. This story has a story to tell as much about where the character's are as much as any specific action they take. This can feel slow and stifling. ★★+1/2

Entertainment: This is not my kind of story. I drowned. It is still a story that deserves to exist, I think. Breaking up things to flow better would help, I say. I feel bad, guilty even. This world is an interesting one. For what the story is, it dangles a tempting hook to learn who these strong characters are. ★★★

Overall: ★★★ -- A story that I can feel planning and love in, but does not draw me along well enough. I feel that if the chapters had been shorter and posted 1/day, many more readers would have tripped over it and had a good time with it. Please keep trying, dear writer. Your words are good words.

Thank you very much for your honest review and for giving so liberally of your time to a story that you did not entirely enjoy, and whose division is evidently causing issues that I had not anticipated. It seems to me that the critical consensus is universal that I have erred in presenting the story in such large sections. I could plead ignorance of FimFiction conventions; I could protest and say that they were not conceived of as "parts" and not chapters; but the readers are clear. If you were, as you say, "drowning" in my story, it falls upon my shoulders as captain of this ship to do what is possible to fix the problem.

I shall write to the staff to determine what might be done within the site rules regarding story revisions to address these issues. At the very least, I intend to make available a Google Docs version with shorter chapter divisions within the several parts.

Thank you also for your kind words regarding my characterization and other aspects of my world-building. I must admit that although my work was not entirely to your tastes, your comment that this is as much a story about the world in which these characters live and move as it is a murder mystery brings a smile to my face, for that was exactly my intention: to present a view of Equestria skewed from originating somewhere quite foreign to the original context. I have had now mixed responses on the pacing that this approach produces - two of my off-site pre-readers are historians and loved it, while others more drawn to sci-fi and action felt that it plods a bit. It does seem to depend on, as you say, "what you want."

You have been of immense help, sir.

Yours Sincerely,

-Foxmane

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Oops. If you don't reply directly, no alert was given. I just noticed this and I'm quite happy it was helpful to you. It was my goal making this group to give a helping hoof to stories that never seem to get a chance and are lost in the shuffle of the site.

I look forward to more horse words, though I suggest one chapter at a time in the future. It may feel silly, but it dramatically increases your story's chances of finding its audience.

Best Wishes,
David