Salt and Sapphire by SirReal

The story opens up with what appears to be a skirmish between Mirth and his fellow Diamond Dogs and another force, presumably griffons from the context within this scene alone (although later developments show it to actually be a feud between two packs of Diamond Dogs).

I don’t know how well this scene serves for the story’s hook; we haven’t yet connected with the griffon, our protagonist, whose name isn’t revealed yet. These types of openers give the audience a quick escalation of the tension to hook them in, the common denominator being something along the lines of this: “Is our favorite character going to live through this?” It works for me, though, in that it makes me wonder what kind of actions Mirth must have taken to lead him up to this point, losing what I surmise to be everything he holds dear.

We then transition over to the mines, which are owned by a pack of diamond dogs called the Sapphires. Our protagonist, Gobrend, along with his companions Green Springs and Brocarius and a number of other ponies and griffons, are slaves to the Sapphires. Suffice it to say, they’re living in very run-down conditions.

Most of the first act is devoted to these opening chapters, and these are the defining moments of the story for me. We get a sense of what our characters stand for as they try to hold onto their individualities. Green Springs has an altruistic outlook on life, and she serves as Gobrend’s moral compass. Brocarius is a meticulous thinker with conniving tendencies, and he serves as Gobrend’s control in dealing with their captors.

It goes without saying that there was a lot of work put into each the story’s characters. The dialogue and actions they take feel real, and there’s a truly well executed moment toward the end of act one that briefly takes on a somber tone before ramping up into the events of act two.

The story’s grammar and syntax are mostly okay, but there are a few areas where it falters. I’ll point out some of the passages that stood out to me the most.

And at the far-end of the room seated behind a desk was a Diamond Dog, in his paws a crossbow.

The flow of this sentence makes it take slightly longer to visualize the scene from the eye of the reader. Here’s my line of reasoning: we are answering the question of where Gobrend is looking before we answer what he is seeing. I posit something like this as a minor alteration.

Seated behind a desk at the far end of the room was a Diamond Dog with a crossbow in his paws.

A few odd phrases cropped up which affected sentence flow. ‘Sneak planted’, for example, was a phrase that came up once when Gobrend injected a thought into someone’s head. I think it might be cleared up by removing the word sneak, but there might be an alternate meaning behind the sentence which I did not grasp.

There are a few sentences that sprawl. In other words, they carry a number of thoughts or complex ideas which could easily be broken up into multiple sentences. The most notable example is in the passage below:

On top of this, myriad scrambled notes and sketches of strange flora and observed behavior of wildlife filled the pages, later entries written in a messy, frenzied crimson scrawl that greatly juxtaposed the earlier neat and flowery records… In addition, more than half of the pages which were written on forever lost whatever information they held; water damage which had long since dried irreversibly destroyed the original text beyond legibility in the tattered journal, and desperate claw marks shredded these pages into further obscurity...

The first sentence carries two distinct ideas. The first is a complex description of what’s in the notes. The second idea tells us the state that the notes are in. I’d put something like:

...a myriad of scrambled notes on observed wildlife and sketches of exotic flora filled the pages. The frenzied scrawl of the later entries was juxtaposed with the neatness of the earlier records...

The next sentence shown could be made more concise as well, but I think this sufficiently highlights what I was seeing.

There is one final thing I must note before I wrap up my thoughts on this work. My interest in the story seemed to wane somewhere within the second act. When the rival Diamond Dogs were persuaded to attack the Sapphires and the fighting ensued, the story became less about how he continues to fall into an unredeemable state and more about the raw acts of revenge he takes on his captors.

The line which Gobrend crosses doesn’t seem to have lasting negative side effects. The morality that Green Springs tried to instill in him at the beginning of the story hasn’t yet proven to be the higher ground that he should take. The Diamond Dogs control over the slaves have been taken away from them, and they can no longer hurt the slaves or enslave others. Whatever happens with the remaining slaves, whether they perish or are saved, seems like a footnote.

I think it might have benefitted to show some repercussions for Gobrend’s actions in the form of inadvertently harming the slaves in his conquest for revenge or becoming more like the very villains he swore to hurt. Something to show how far he’s fallen short of Green Spring’s idealism and thus, by taking revenge for her, mocks of his memories of her. The resulting blow to his character could compound with his need to prevent another Green Springs from dying. This would be his way of trying to overcome his own failings and be the person that she knew he could be.

This is a story that started powerfully with decent grammar. I had issues with it along the way, however, and I tried highlighting all the major things I noticed. It was definitely an enjoyable read, although I am hesitant at this time to accept it. I hope this review has been helpful. I wish the author the best of luck in moving forward into the third act. (Side-note: if the grammar section of my review isn't sufficient, I should be able to provide more upon request)

Verdict: Reject (6.7/10)

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I appreciate the time you took out to review this humble fic of mine, Dudette! Indeed, a lot of consideration went into the characters of this story: Gobrend is a traveler with what's hinted to be a bloody and tragic past who struggles with his violent, self-centered impulses and his brotherly protectiveness for Green Springs, who, as you've stated, serves as his moral compass; Green Springs is an enslaved, sickly filly whose idealism is a beacon in the mire of the dark tunnels she is trapped in, and she leans against Gobrend as support when she is overwhelmed, but soon comes to realize he is not as good a person as he presents himself to be; lastly, Brocarius is a mysterious pony from Gobrend's past who is implied to wield great influence behind the scenes, and who has an interest in Gobrend for some vague reason. He is who grounds Gobrend, as you've stated.

However, allow me to respectfully disagree with most of your review, not because it was necessarily flawed per se, but because it largely appeared to be a brief summary of the story thus far with more emphasis on sentence tweaks―and even then the tweaks are rather subjective (but don't think I haven't taken them into consideration!)―than a full review: there was no mention of pacing, tense, themes, worldbuilding, etc. The most egregious example of this focus on the grammatical was this:

A few odd phrases cropped up which affected sentence flow. ‘Sneak planted’, for example, was a phrase that came up once when Gobrend injected a thought into someone’s head.

Why? Because it cut out a specific part of a whole in order to make a shaky point, rather than give true insight to aid in improvement. The full sentence, taken from the story, goes as such:

Mirth couldn’t shake the thought that gryphon sneak planted into his head.

It is understandable that this sentence could easily be misconstrued, but if I were using it in the way you suggested, I'd put a hyphen in between and have the sentence say,

Mirth couldn't shake the thought that gryphon sneak-planted into his head.

The word "sneak" in the original context is used as a noun, as in "a furtive, contemptible person". I've gone back and changed the sentence to, "Mirth couldn't shake the thought that prying sneak planted into his head," to make it less confusing, but this still stands out as a low point in the review for me. It is made most evident that syntax was the focal point of this review by the reviewer herself in the last sentence of their review, which states that more examples could be provided of the grammatical section specifically.

Another shaky part of the review in my eyes is the part where it is stated that "the line which Gobrend crosses doesn't seem to have negative effects". This is simply not true in any sense.

In the first act, he is immediately punished by his captors for his rash behavior, and things go downhill from there; By the end of the second act's conflict, an important character is dead, Gobrend is gravely wounded, and the pack he swore vengeance against is eradicated. And it's all his fault. The characters closest to him hold him and him alone accountable for his actions. Furthermore, he ends up continuing the cycle of vengeance and hatred through Mirth, it's implied, who is greatly changed by what transpires. There are even several mentions of the slaves being caught in the crossfire, so it's not just a footnote as was insinuated. In the end, he is exactly like the people he fought against, and there are no pretenses that he's the good guy.

It's wonderful that you've connected Gobrend's actions to Green Springs, and the conflict within him as a result, but one of the most important moments of the story is when he declares he doesn't even know who Green Springs is before he seeks his revenge.

All in all, this felt more like a synopsis with editing suggestions than a review, as it misses or glosses over a few too many substantial plot points (specifically from the second act, where the reviewer fairly notes their interest waned) to truly come to a balanced conclusion. The criticisms highlighted are primarily subjective and the ones that are concerned with character motivation and consequence are explicitly explained in-story.

Again, thank you very much for your time, Dudette! I understand that I seem overly critical, but I merely wished to defend a few points brought up that can be readily inferred or explained from what's come so far in Salt and Sapphire. Keep it up!