youtube=https://youtu.be/Qh4F3j6EZT0

Greetings you pitiful worms of daylight. It is I, your serpentine overlord, the great and mighty Basilisk, the scourge of nightmares.

Now, you are probably wondering where your precious Lunar lapdog, colonel Nightstorm, is? Well, truth be told, he is stuck dealing with some of my forces back in Cloudsdale, so I will be taking over his site (just like a true conqueror should).

Now, I know you pathetic ponies seem to like creatures who bash on bad movies, so I won’t deny you of that pleasure. I have dwelled deep and far into the darkest corners of Tartarus. I have crossed both Phlegaton and Styx just to retrieve this awful movie that time itself should have forgotten. What movie could I possibly be talking about? What is this abomanition of cinema? Why it’s none other than ‘Lockjaw: the curse of the KUlev snake’.

Now as a serpentile overlord myself, who delves into dark arts, this movie should have been just delicious. I mean it has a giant serpent eating insolent mongrels who dare summon its power! Oh and it has some guy called DMX, but he is not important (even though they gave him top billing. Apparently all I have to do to conquer Earth is to just have a famous person endorse me and BOOM, instant slaves). What could have gone wrong? Well apparently a lot, but we will get to that soon enough.

So we start this movie on the best of high notes: family abuse! Yeah it’s going to be one of those movies… And it is in this portion that we get to meet our first kill (and horror stereotype): the abusive drunken father. Looks like someone's giving Nightmare Moon a run for her overacting money he he

Nightmare Moon: What did you say?!

Basilisk: Nothing my queen...

Now that she is gone I can continue this miserable review.

It’s like they wanted me to slither out from this movie as soon as I could, because once the little kid gets out, we are greeted to some ‘expertly’ written dialogue. Seriously these two little larvae just flip flop their emotions. Maybe they got it from Pinkie Pie.

*hears loud booing*

Oh stop crying you babies. You know it’s true.

Then the next scene happens. Apparently these kids break into someone’s house and steal a magic pencil. Wow… And they call me evil. As the two leave, some guy just yells after them. You’d think since this jackass knows these two have a ‘snake summoning’ stick in their snot ridden hands, he’d go after them, but nope. He just stands there like a doofus and yells after them. Great JOB moron (I tell ya, after I take over Equestria, I will smash that portal Celestia built. We don’t need these stupid things plaguing our world). So the kids continue to flip flop and the little boy gets home to be greeted by his oh so loving father tenderly caressing his loving wife. The kid, naturally pissed, draws his father getting eaten by a snake… Well, that’s oddly specific. I mean, I know we serpent's have our natural charm, but is that really the first thing that came to the kid's mind. Or is the stick made by Moiras? Wouldn't be the first time those three messed up, but a little clarification would be nice. Well it seems our abusive father won't be in the picture for very long since the snake knocks him out. Oh and the snake apparently has made the 'devils contract' with the Shadows since it doesn't appear. It's probably for the best (you'll see what I mean soon enough).

Cut to the next scene, it seems our little shitty kids have grown in to average boring adults. Oh and we meet our din… I mean our cast for the evening. We got bland girls no.1 and 2, annoying sexist douchebag no. 2134, a piece of wooden cardboard and Dork McGlasses. Their introduction scene is laughably bad as well as their acting.

Oh and guess where they are going? Just guess…..

If you guessed 'a cabin in the woods' then congratulations. You get the ‘no shit Sherlock’ badge. I am sure you are honoured

Oh and it has no reception. As my arch nemesis, Luna, would say ‘Forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm’ (oh sweet Leviathan this movie is making me reference that night vermin! You fiend!) .

So the unlikeable dumbnuts get into car and run down a person. Do they care? Hell to the no. Caring is for ponies (and bears). You know they are warming up to me.But it does dawn upon these morons that they might have ran over... a small rodent. *sighs* You know this is exactly why Anti Human movement was formed in Equestria.

And as the twitscapede drives off we see…… DMX. Well you paid money to see him, so here he is. And there he goes, not to be seen for a while. Awesome. You know this guy is supposed to be the freaking selling point of the movie. Shouldn’t he have more of an, oh I don’t know, IMPACT! Jeesh, you guys are making Flash Sentry seem to have depth compared to X-boy there.

So yadda yadda the idiots get wasted and Dork McGlasses goes for a walk the Bland girl no.1. They have a boring conversation about how bland girl doesn’t like annoying sexist douchebag. "Why?", you ask. The secret's in the name... You know I should care about these two, but I don’t. Part of it is because of my nihilistic tendencies, but another part of it is because these guys are so bland that a cardboard cut out of them could easily replace the two.

We are then greeted by basically what I like to call a ‘refill your bug (or popcorn for you ponies) container’ scene as the two continue to yammer.

Next up we see the Kulev stick guy doesn’t take kindly to these folks running over his wife. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is, but I guess you creatures with souls might sympathize with him. If he wasn't as bland as Kiks that is. And he draws an amazingly precise picture of the 'idiot brigade'. You know for a guy who only saw these folks for a few moments he sure has an eye for detail. Maybe he and Rarity should get together and form a crime fighting duo.

As he is drawing we see sexist douchebag doing what he does best: cheating on his girlfriend with bland girl no. 2. Well I can’t blame. They are both so similar personality wise that it could have been just an honest mistake. So Dork Mc Glasses tries to console bland girl no.1 with some pretty monotone talking. You know I wonder if I could use his voice to better my hypnosis because *yawns* he is making me so *yawns* sleepy…

Oh buck! I have to finish this review. And the movie is still going

Anyway he gives blandie over there a good old fashion ecstasy pill (I guess he is so boring he had to rely on chemical dependency to make her smile). And they like each other now. So remember fillies and colts: If you want a girl to like you, just get her drugged up! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

You know these guys are boring me. Didn't they say something about a huge serpent? Where is it? Answer me movie!

Well it seems I got my wish as sexist douchebag goes into the tall grass. My anticipation is rising. Rising.

And he is unconscious…

Well that was a letdown. But no worries, because the next scene has DMX. And he needs that thing…

What thing you ask? We will find out, in the next installment.

While DMX is getting ‘that thing’, our serpentile friend politely waits until the sexist douchebag wakes up and then, and only then, does it proceed to eat him. Why didn’t it eat him before? Because it would be rude cha…

It must be going with the Rainbow factory codex of honor.

Also this is the first time we see the damn thing and it is just embarrassing. I mean not only is it poorly CGI-ed but it has a crocodile head… Why?

It looks stupid at best and insulting at worst. That thing is giving us normal malicious serpents a bad reputation.

Anyway... The Dead Wife guy gets drunk and realizes what he has done. Yeah, because that’s totally how that works. Drinking and drugs seem to be the ultimate problem solvers in this movie. I do not think that's how that goes

While that dolt is contemplating moral implications of what he has done, we finally see what that thing DMX was talking about is. And… it’s a rocket launcher (insert TF2 reference here. And we’re walking…). Thanks for that suspense nimrods.

So now that the idiot brigade knows there is a manic serpent let loose what do blandie and Dork do? Get a lamp to defend them with of course. Brilliant! Because a lamp will totally defend you against a ten foot serpent with a crocodile's head. *sigh* WHY DOES IT HAVE A CROC HEAD?!

As the lamp duo, rush into actio, we are treated to some clothes on sexy time. Again, I can't do anything with this, but you guys might find it worth mentioning .

So it seems bland girl no.2 and wooden cardboard are busy getting on, but someserpent else wants to join the party. As bland cardboard is trying his best to have his way through clothes (I think he is taking 'safe sex' to a whole new level) the snake sneeks behind him and has his own penetration he he . And hey! Nothing is allowed to have my signature spikes through chest murer but me! This Kulev snake is annoying me more and more. I don't like it

And thus bland cardboard dies while the woman screams like a lunatic. Yeah lady keep going. Just draw MORE attention to yourself. I am sure you’re going to survive.

Well while bland girl no.2 (who I am renaming to screamer from now) is being useless, blandie and Dork ran into the Kulev stick guy. He starts pummeling Dork (congrats He is the best character now ) and he confronts them about killing his wife. But who cares about a little thing like that. It’s time to help these murderers. They arrive at the house of DMX and we see that he wasn’t hired because of his acting. Man he is making Maud Pie seem energetic in comparison. Also bland delivers one of the best lines in the whole movie now.
“You suck because you drew us to death”. Brilliant writing! Quentin Tarantino would be proud

Well DMX basically tells them they are screwed and that he doesn’t feel like helping them, because : youtube=https://youtu.be/34g_IwinwnI (you think the movie does a better job of explaining it) ando the trio is on their merry way.

In the next scene, we see that snake was very busy while the trio was talking to DMX as the screamer chick gets eaten in the next scene. Ahh such beautiful sound of silence. And it kills Kulev stick guy…

Hang on a sec! This thing is supposed to kill people he drew! Nothing him! This is the point where the writers have officially quit their day JOB and just said ‘buck it. Let’s end this misery’. I don’t blame them, but it’s your fault! Be consistent!

So now that the movie is off of its meds we get the crocsnake devouring Dork and DMX blowing it up. It apparently disappears into sparkles ... I am done. *flips the table*

Nightmare Moon: Get back in there and finish the review or I shall finish you!

Basilisk: Urgh, fine (she can be really annoying).

So that was Lockjaw: The curse of the stick of Sameness (or something like that I don’t know). It was dumb, really contrived and by the end it pulled a really annoying deus ex machina to save the day. DMX gives a boring performance (which compared to his music is really surprising), the snake is a joke and the characters are nonexistent. And those were the selling points!

Overall, it’s an entertaining watch. Sure it’s a dumb movie, but if you want to laugh at how stupid the human species can truly get this movie is for you. It does everything at just the right ammount of wrong that it becomes golden (unlike Five across the eyes, but that's a whole 'nother review)

Well I got to go now. A warmongers work is never done and thus my new battles need to continue (also I have been informed my army just got their flanks handed to them in a hand basket by colonel Nightstorm so he’ll be back).

Till next time remember: VIVA LA NIGHTMARE REVOLUTION!