Hey there, authors! Dark Avenger is coming back at ya with another review straight out of the rough side of Prose City.

Before we get to today’s super fantastic story on our list, here’s a little protip right off the bat for all you eager pros in the making: always remember to choose grave topics to write about when choosing your adventures for all those colorful little ponies. There’s no better way to pay respects than with a bunch of words on the Internet based on a cartoon for little kids.

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about! :D But before we get sidetracked, lemme introduce the fic I’m supposed to review. Dying to Get There is the latest rant-filled blog post fanfic written by Titanium Dragon, world-famous psychiatrist, philosopher, and brain-plumber-fixer-person. He’s well known for his skills in writing and ranting really long about really boring things, but he’s even more famous for being the most amazing mind-reading wizard of all time. If you ever talk to him, and he finds out you have a different opinion on something, he’ll instantly diagnose you with a whole bunch of mental problems and tell you to get help (with links!), thereby winning every single argument whenever he wants.

So you might be thinking: “Oh, gee… he sounds like a really serious dude. I bet his stories are all really deep and meaningful and they might even make my head explode.” Well, don’t get your panties in a bunch just yet, authors! The very first problem with “Drying the Wet Hair” is how it deals with a really science-y subject like teleportation, but it’s all just a really long joke about stuff your read on Wikipedia or Garfield. I think that’s really uncool because, like I said above, serious things need to be treated like very serious, but let’s not rush ahead.

The story goes like this: one day Twilight Sparkle wakes up after a night of pwning lots of filthy skrubz and getting laid like a bawws. She finds out the newspaper ran an article on her that got all the science completely wrong and is just dumb and clickbait. Probably someone from Cracked wrote it. And since there’s no Internet in Ponycityville, Twilite can’t just call upon her own white knight army to #rekt the newspaper company into the ground, so instead she just talks to all her st00pid friends and rants a lot and says she hates Saturdays…

[Fluttershy] “But, uhm, I also saw you turn a frog into an orange. How did you do that if you can’t create a living thing? An orange is a thing.”

“Oh!” Twilight brightened, sitting up. “That’s because of morphic fields. You see, *insert 150 word long technobabble monologue that adds nothing to the story and there’s no way I’m gonna quote the whole thing here*

PROTIP: This part was really funny, except every time I tried to read it, I fell asleep before I got to the funny part.

As you can see, it’s a really bad day for Sparkle McSmartass because every one of her friends is a stupid idiot and thinks she kills herself every time she uses the Portal gun to go down to the store. All except AppleJoe, who worships the god of creationism, so she doesn’t read any newspapers that have pesky “science” in them.

My most favorite part of “Dying for Bel Air” is its innovative way of mixing science with fiction to create an engaging story. Using the help of the best minds that Facebook and Vsauce have to offer, the author wrote a thing where every other paragraph you read is either something he copy/pasted because it sounded like a really cool science thing, or it’s some philosophy crap nobody actually believes in. I always like it when pink party ponies talk to me about the “No Cloning theorem”. It’s so random and funny, almost like you don’t even have to make any effort at all to write comedy.

“Besides, even if it did work by destroying you and making an exact copy, it’s not like there would be more than one of you anyway.”

“Huh?” Rainbow Dash stopped. “What do you mean? Is that some weird like, science thing, where you can’t tell the copy apart from the real thing because they’re exact duplicates or something? Because I’m pretty sure that’s wrong.”

“Huh? Oh, no, it’s because you have no soul.” Twilight waved her hoof dismissively.

Rainbow Dash scowled. “Wow. That’s really racist, Twilight. What are you going to do next, start calling Applejack a mud pony?”

PROTIP: The title of the story, "Dying to Get There", actually refers to how everyone feels about the ending right after they start reading this thing.

Like any other good comedy story, this masterpiece relies on strong characters to drive the humor until it makes your brains all giggly and goofy. Especially the lead role, Miss Purple Sparkleshine, who is a perfect replica of the original horny wingy horse from the cartoon. You can’t even tell the difference between the show and the fanfic as her friends appropriately behave like a pack of retards, while she uses her time on stage to talk about Titanium Dragon’s headcanons proven facts and secret fetishes natural attractions.

Spike has a pretty big role too, just like in the show. At least I’m pretty sure it’s a big role. He’s got a lot of lines, and while none of them did anything to advance the story, at least his character is still very interesting. He still has the attitude of the staircase in Twilight’s old library, but now it’s been combined with the vigor and edge in the owl Whatshisname’s perch. And we all know owls are cool, so their perches are just as cool.

[Rarity] “Twilight, you are taking things far too seriously. Didn’t you have a crush on somepony when you were little?”

“Yes! And I told her, and she told me what you should be telling Spike, and I got over it!”

Rarity blinked. “She?”

“That’s not important!”

PROTIP: This fic is the reason why gay marriage is now legal in the USA. Thank you, America.

Overall, dear authors, if you want to read something that looks like it was written by Aragon after he ate a grade schooler’s physics book, I think you have problems. Please go and do something better with your lives...

Hm. You surprise me at ever turn Dark. Hoping one of mine get to be reviewed sometime soon. Although I can't just promote my own things. so here's to hoping and the prayer of me improving to get your approval.

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. But before we get sidetracked, lemme introduce the fic I’m supposed to review. Dying to Get There is the latest rant-filled blog post fanfic written by Titanium Dragon, world-famous psychiatrist, philosopher, and brain-plumber-fixer-person. He’s well known for his skills in writing and ranting really long about really boring things, but he’s even more famous for being the most amazing mind-reading wizard of all time. If you ever talk to him, and he finds out you have a different opinion on something, he’ll instantly diagnose you with a whole bunch of mental problems and tell you to get help (with links!), thereby winning every single argument whenever he wants.

I know, right? So many crazy people on the internet with different opinions than me.

PROTIP: This part was really funny, except every time I tried to read it, I fell asleep before I got to the funny part.

Narcolepsy is a terrible condition.

PROTIP: This fic is the reason why gay marriage is now legal in the USA. Thank you, America.

But my name isn't America. D:

Hm. It's 11:30. Time to go rotate my owls.

4537675
4537685

I wanted to read your comments, but all I saw was no one using the reply button.

Bah! What kind of pro author uses the basic site functions which make communicating with other people more convenient? 4537762

4537803 I know. Seriously, it would just be stupid, right?

4537646 I didn't think anything could be more unfunny and pretentious than XKCD
but if one person were able to prove me wrong, it would be TD

more like XKTD am i right

4539408