Normal reviewers greet their salt-hungry readers in this starting section. I am not a normal reviewer. I’ve been reined in by a bunch of pseudo-revolutionist nouveaux-autheurs who think that their attempts at humor through ignorance will change a single solitary thing in your - and that is you I mean by this, reader of questionable worth - perception of quality fiction. For heaven’s sake, most of you - most of them - have probably not thrown up at the sight of how dreadfully long that sentence was. Need I say more? Indeed I do.

Mutually unpleasant introductions out of the way, this first foray into the unthankful realm of reviewing takes me - and you, reader of unlikely dearness - to FinnPony’s Shadowy Love. (The inner imbecile within me wants to point out the curiosity behind the structure of the former sentence, but I suppose that I have a path of degradation to suffer through before I acknowledge something this lowly.)

For a minor sliver of context, the author must be considered. FinnPony is, quite thankfully, not a rabidly imagination-deprived Adventure Time fan, but simply a ludicrously imagination-deprived denizen of Finland. As such, one thing of importance to point out is that the author we are dealing with is not a native speaker. That said, he resides in one of the more English-inclined countries (http://www.helsinki.fi/varieng/series/volumes/05/chapter4.html#4.1 - English being highly important and usually known to a reasonable level is a visible trend, significant enough for a general poll), and, most important above all, does consider his English to be good enough to write fanfiction.

That he does, and extensively - under his belt are 8 stories, coming together into 308221 words. According to Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word_count ), that is no less than two greater-sized novels, and approximately six short ones. No small feat, and the ever-dependable, ever-trusty, ever-nondecieving view and like numbers seem to agree, as the author had gained 14296 views, and his overall like/dislike ratio is at 81.8983891, or 962.37500 (all likes by all dislikes). I am most certainly not qualified to judge the author, not by any stretch of the imagination - dear sweet merciful heavens, don’t even conceive of such a thing as to count up my miserable numbers to compare. Too bad that I am very much roped into the reviewing business, so you, readers of questionable quantity, have no choice in the matter.

A less vigorously exciting in its lack of numerical information point to consider is that the author is very much fond of continuity. Shadowy Love is, in fact, written to happen in the same storyline as another piece of fan fiction, titled “Simply Beautiful”. Other stories follow other continuities, but that does not concern us. What does concern us is that Shadowy Love must hold up by itself, and not leave anyone confused. That will, naturally, affect the review, verily so. I do have hope, however, as having written quite so much fiction can only do good things for one’s English prowess. As a matter of fact, with all this considered, and with the indubitable mathematical proof on my side, I believe all and any fears over the author’s foreign status should be laid to rest. It would take an astounding thickness of the mind not to have developed after so much practice.

The story, which is what all of you must be wondering about at this point, is, according to the description, very much a TwiBra piece of fan fiction (Twilight Sparkle relation-shipped with King Sombra, to the few blissful enough in their ignorance not to know the denotation of the shortening). Following the obscure tyrant’s likely demise at the end of the duology shown in the animated series, he returns to the world of the living - solely to be captured by the hated Princesses yet again. Twilight Sparkle, for lack of any horrific abominations to be sent to combat with a spoon and a herring, is assigned to “teach” and “reform” Sombra (“...and [King Sombra is] put through reformation with Twilight Sparkle as his teacher.”).

I will avoid pondering on whether “reforming” someone as visibly whole-heartedly evil as the tyrannical, slavery-promoting King Sombra would count as an example of good, old, sweet, sweet, remarkably useful mind rape. For one, such implications are best saved for later in the review (note to self), and for another, I am not below giving the author enough preliminary credit to hope that the character may be expanded upon, given a reason why being “reformed” is a distinct possibility, something to see in a realistic light, and hope for. All throughout the long, 30+ chapter-spanning, >120k word story. I am a fair reviewer, after all, or at least I will pretend to be, if only to spite the people who think that they know what humor is, and create these awful “review” abominations in the same group as I. I am not below that at all.

Sombra in other hand isn't so sure but something in that mare makes him try.

Sombra in other hand

At least I think I am.

To everyone new who is reading this; the three first chapters are a bit rough and not so well written, but I hope that the chapters get better after the first three. Thank you for reading.

author header note for “Chapter 1 (Revised)”

The quote located above is the first thing the reader is supposed to see upon entering. That is… after having seen that Chapter 1 is, indeed, Revised. Not a good start. I shall mention that the following… review, if one can call it that, is indeed based on the explicitly revised sections. I will, with the knowledge of the chapter being revised, let sleeping dogs lie for the moment. The author may very well simply be unsure of himself. After all - I did contribute a long passage to how there should be no fear in the author’s poor handling of English.

Besides, I do intend to speak about grammar in the EXECUTION part of the review. Pacing

The first chapter opens with a description of King Sombra’s limbo and the state of its sole inhabitant.

“Emptiness. No light, no darkness, no nothing. Just emptiness. Was it some kind of purgatory? Or maybe it was hell. No. There would have surely been others if that had been the case. No. There was just him.”

Uh-huh.

King Sombra exhibits his most commonly assumed characteristics that do not boil down to “CRRRRYSTALLLLLS”: being a generally unrepentable, pompous, self-righteous bastard. A decent enough characterization, although is still a possible problem how Sombra's character may not yet be well enough balanced - causing his “reformation” to feel very much like mind-rape. Which, as morality tells us, is highly unethical, and can be amounted to actual rape. Which would earn this fic a “Mature” rating it doesn’t have, but… We shall see.

King Sombra also tends to ramble. Who knows, maybe the two of us may start associating with one another. Character attraction, if even unintentional, can be good for you! Happy thoughts.

“Oh how many times he thought about the ones who put him in this wretched place. Those six mares and that damn dragon. For him he had some special plans. Plans that many times included different kinds of ideas of how to use red-hot knives to bring great discomfort for the little menace. Even though he had a special place in his dark heart for the poor dragon, he hadn’t forgotten the other fools that had caused his current state. Princesses, especially that princess of love. Ugh. Only the thought of her made his rage grow. Then there were those six mares. The elements. Oh how he hated them.”

Uh-huh.

It would appear that King Sombra also lacks taste in his cruelties. Red-hot knives are particularly trite in mortal enemy torture, I find. That is just me, however. On a subjective scale of evil, this places Sombra rather low. Maybe he has just lost his touch during the time spent canned in limbo?

Regardless, to continue with the summary of the story at hand, the chapters that I did read, Sombra continues to ramble. Establishing his hatred of Twilight Sparkle just as well. Which had, in a way, already been done.

He continues.

Now… I should hold my promise. This is a proper review. Go down to EXECUTION. EXECUTION is the next, after FIRST IMPRESSIONS - and afterwards go THEMATICS and MESSAGE. I—

“Stairs were made to walk, not to slide. It had been a dirty trick from her. Then, last but not least, those dirty plebeians of The Crystal Empire. How dared they rise against him, their only ruler. Their king. His mind kept cursing all of them for a while, before returning to the starting point, thinking if he was in some kind of hell. No. There would have been others in there for sure.”

—should explain.

These rambly segments you have been subjected to all come from the first paragraph. Soon, rather soon, Sombra is, indeed, pulled out into the light, out of the frying pan and into the fire, the story gets itself going, but… No. The first paragraph.

The lengthy quotes I had provided barely make up a half of it.

I have counted over four thematic paragraph breaks and at least one very poorly worded sentence. That does not include various other issues.

I am done.

Dear FinnPony, putting a self-deprecating warning not to take your first REVISED chapter seriously DOESN’T MEAN SHIT. Don’t even EXPECT it to matter. You’ve written SIX. FUCKING. BLOODY. NOVELS. YOU WOULD KNOW.

YOU SHOULD.

YOU DON’T.

You also don’t have a good enough grasp of English, or writing in general, for I, a lowly nobody with nothing to occupy myself with (aside from university, work, progressing osteochondritis, a sinus infection, and a 15-hour drive), one who simply wished to read a TwiBra fic and take it apart by pieces, found my head collapsing into the desk halfway through the first paragraph. And I came in trying. I wanted to give this a proper review - consider whether Sombra’s reformation is handled properly, which implications it presents, what other ideas the story presents, analyze why your story was featured at least twice.

What did I see? What was I presented with?

Sombra in other hand

So basically a shipping between Twilight Sparkle and King Sombra.

No light, no darkness, no nothing. - PARDNER.

to bring great discomfort for the little menace

So he had been in that… void for more than seven long years >>> ...he thought about the ones who put him in this wretched place.

THE ENTIRE. FIRST. PARAGRAPH.

To everyone new who is reading this; the three first chapters are a bit rough and not so well written, but I hope that the chapters get better after the first three. Thank you for reading.

Chapter 1 (Revised)

Featured 9th of June 2014. Thank you everybody!

YOU DON’T DESERVE A PROPER REVIEW.

Congratulations.

I’ve given up on the first paragraph. Or, to your credit, on the FIFTH PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAD BEEN WRITING YOUR STORY PROPERLY.

But you weren’t. You think you know English well enough to post, the readers think it’s good enough to get it FEATURED (NUMBERS DON’T LIE, DO THEY?), and you have written so much English fiction that you had to have had experience.

Oh, oh, but worse yet, you had help.

For now I'd like to thank Alun Aleriksson, pony of change, Microshazm and Sidetrack for helping with the grammar and overall writing in general. Thank you so much.

And still, I gave up on the first paragraph. Your inane argument to simply ignore the START OF YOUR STORY, EVEN AFTER REVISION, only digs your grave further.

So many people worked on this. So many words written - prior to this story even. Revisions made. Features gotten. And yet, all of you have failed.

But, I suppose, not all of you are to blame. Can we truly fault a person for failing to be able to write well after having written a number of novels, at least in word count? Can we truly fault a person for lacking the ability to learn the written intricacies of the language they are using to convey their fan-fiction? In fact, can we truly attack the author when his story may very well be good, but fall short solely due to presentation?

We shouldn’t. BUT I’M FUCKING GOING TO, BECAUSE THIS WAS MY FIRST REVIEW, AND HE WITH HIS INCAPABLE EDITORS RUINED IT.

You can fail your story. You can fail English as a language. You can even fail to be entertainingly unreadable. But you can’t fail me. I AM YOUR READER. I AM YOUR REVIEWER, or at least that is what the personalities involved with this group told me.

And you have managed to concoct an abomination that had absolutely derailed my first review ever, one which I would have outdone all those plebian quasi-comedians with. Contextually… Contextually, this gives me the right to call you, FinnPony, a scumbag Engrish dickwad, and a proper tosser.

There. I hope you’re happy. Enjoy your infinite numbers. Enjoy your followers, enjoy your features. But know that, in the end, you fail at the most basic level. I came in expecting to see a story mishandle romance and reformation horribly. I came in expecting horrific implications and disgusting misunderstanding of basic relationships.

I got a story that wished not to care about its presentation, not even after revision.

WELL SCREW YOU TOO.

My reputation as a reviewer is ruined now. Thanks a bunch.

Cue the footer card. I’ve had it with this fanfic. This has been the Justice League of Britain, suffering for his own sins, fulfilling a duty he never wished to think of, working for a group of aimless ruffians, and going to sleep with thoughts of sweet, sweet murder, death, and destruction of this brainless, mindless planet Caucasus-7.