Everything Wrong With: Something Sweet to Bite
By Knackerman
Spoilers
(duh)

Warning: this fic is not for the faint of heart. It took me a long time to work up the nerve to do this at all. But I won't let this fic beat me, and no story should go unsinned! So here we go. Something Sweet to Bite. Because of the nature of this fic, reader discretion is advised. I'll do my best to leave out the really bad stuff.

A bat flit across the face of a monstrous harvest moon, its leathery wings sweeping through the chill autumn mist, leaving swirls and spirals in its wake. The creature of the night flew back and forth, eating the last bugs of the season. Fat as it was, the bat would need every scrap of weight it could put on before the harsh winter months. Already a few of its fellows had secluded themselves in caves and hollow trees, snug and plump, lost in the half sleep that would last until spring. A moth stirred from the grass, its gossamer wings making it a pale ghost in the moonlight. A quick snap of tiny jaws and the mouthful was gobbled down. With a surge of its wings, the bat flew on into the night. As it neared a barn blazing with light, the creature became somewhat curious. Usually at this time of night the barn would be empty, dark and inviting for one of its kind. Instead the bat could hear the sounds of ponies busily at work inside.

It would’ve flown closer for a better look, but a sudden chill down its spine made it think twice. An instinct, that even it barely understood, screamed loud and clear in the bats tiny head. Danger! Best to move on and find more prey. Best to find a safe spot and sleep the deep, dreamless sleep of hibernation. Best to go far, far from here to do it. There was nothing here for a tiny bat. Nothing but death.

I don't usually do this, but the way this story starts is masterful, and really gets the whole tone of the story down. It makes you uneasy, and aware that there is danger lurking around the corner. Not a lot of stories can do that. Therefore, I have no choice but to remove a few sins right away. -Ding -2

“Applebloom!”called Applejack, putting the last batch of caramel apples on a tray lined with waxed paper to cool.

Applebloom instead of the correct "Apple Bloom" Also, there should be a space between the end quotation and "called". Ding 0

She had taken to turning in early and letting Applejack make sure they stayed full of crisp, delicious apples; Even so

Knackerman uses a semicolon to end a sentence instead of a period. Ding 1

Even Applebloom seemed to be taking more of an interest in the festivities.

I hate to do it like this, but I have to add five sins for every "Applebloom" so I don't just keep coming back and sinning that. Ding 6

Applebloom had a habit of getting distracted by the least little thing.

Saying "the least little thing" is a bit odd and a little redundant. Simplifying it to something like "the littlest thing" would help with the flow. Ding 7

We got a lot of apples left ta dip a'fore we store

Here's a problem a lot of authors have: they overdo Applejack's accent, which has the ironic effect of making it not sound like Applejack. She says "before" so there's no need to "country-fy" it. Ding 8

The country pony paused and listened.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Ding 9

“Applebloom yew better not be'a plannin’ on trickin’ me!

This is another example of what I was talking about above. He overdid the accent with things like "yew" and "be'a". The "yew" is especially ridiculous, since it doesn't change anything. Just put "you", which Applejack does say, and don't break the immersion. Ding 10

just yet!" when there was no answer she tried

Missing capitalization. Ding 11

Applejack jumped back, the firewood she carried on her back scattering at her hooves.

How? If she jumped back, then the wood on her back would have been thrown behind her, not at her hooves. Ding 12

The flames subdued a bit, so Applejack decided she’d try to get her sisters help to get the cauldron back in place

sister's Ding 13

A tiny voice, a girls voice whispered

Few problems here. It should read "A tiny voice, a girl's voice, whispered... Ding 14

Those treats were for tomorrow, to share with all the fillies and colts that came lookin' for sweets ta bite!

Close enough! Roll credits! Ding 15

Still there was nothing but silence. Well... Almost.

The "almost" doesn't need to be capitalized. Ding 16

It sounded like... It sounded like it was coming from the cauldron,but that couldn't be right

Since this isn't Applejack narrating, the first "it sounded like" should be removed to help with the flow. Ding 17 Also, missing space between the comma and "but" Ding 18

The caramel was already starting to set, the sticky gunk wouldn’t come off.

Comma splice. Ding 19

Her sister wasn’t breathing. She tried hammering on her tiny chest, put her mouth to her sisters and breathed air into her lungs.

"Seeing someone not moving/breathing and trying CPR even though they're in a situation that CPR wouldn't help" cliche. Ding 20

Having said that, this story is really messed up, but the story knows it's messed up and relishes in it. However, the horror is all set up very well beforehand, and the disturbing images are a payoff that fits with the mood and tone of the story and adds to the stakes. They are not the story themselves. I have no choice but to remove five sins for doing gore right. -Ding 15

She fell back on her haunches, wiping at her mouth with her hoof, trying to get rid of the taste...

Unnecessary ellipses. Ding 16

“Nightmare Night! What a Fright!” Applejack got up, backed away, wildly turning her head back and forth, trying to find the source of the song and that horrible mocking laughter. “Where are y'all!?

If another character starts dialogue, there should be a new paragraph. Ding 17

“Where are y'all!? Who are y'all!? Did yew do this!? Did ya do this to Applebloom? What did mah sister ever do ta deserve this!?” Applejack howled

The said tag here feels kind of tacked on and breaks the flow of the sentence. Ding 18

She backed slowly out of the barn, away from her sister’s body, turning around and around.

So she's backing out of the barn in a circle? Ding 19

She didn’t realize she had stumbled into the fire until the flames were chasing themselves through her tail and flickering up into her mane. Panicked beyond all reason, she reared back on her hind legs, and fell right into the still cooling cauldron.

She screamed then, loud enough to wake the dead, as her flesh burst and blistered from the heat and the sticky caramel seeped into her wounds. Everywhere the metal of the pot touched, a layer of skin stuck, sizzling and smoking as it parted from the rest of her body. Blinded by the smoke of her own flesh burning, the stench choking her even as she fought for more air with which to scream, she tried desperately to climb out of the cauldron.

So here Applejack slips into the cauldron and can't get out. My question is how is the cauldron so big that a pony of Applejack's size can't get out, but small enough that she could just fall backwards into it?

Also, the cauldron is half full of caramel that has been cooling off. I'm not saying it would be room temperature by this point, but Applejack put the fire around it out, then took out outside in an atmosphere that was already described as being a bit chilly. There is no reason why Applejack should be getting burned this badly.

Also, also, how much caramel is in the cauldron? We were told it's only half full, right? Plus it would be even less full once Applejack took Apple Bloom's body out. So how is there still enough in there for Applejack to get dunked? I can see her getting her hooves and legs covered, but it seems like she got it worse than that.Ding 20

The sides, slick with her own blood, slipped beneath her painful fumbling.

Blood? I'm no doctor, but I think that if the cauldron is so hot that she's losing skin every time she touches the sides, those wounds are getting cauterized. Ding 21

“Give Us Something Sweet to Bite!” It sang gleefully as it lunged forward.

I'm not sure which one to sin: the unnecessary said tag, or the fact that the "I" in It is improperly capitalized. So I'll do both because I'm a jerk that way. Ding 23

the few feet between fire and possible safety now seeming miles.

I think a word is missing. I think it should be "seeming like miles." Ding 24

She panted heavily, finding it hard to suck air into lungs while there was a hole in her throat.

Yeah, no duh. In fact she shouldn't even be alive right now. After losing a chunk of her throat like that she should have bled out in seconds. There are some major arteries in the throat, and if one of those was severed (and it would be an impossibility for one to have not been) then it's curtains for our favorite silly pony. Ding 25

The last thing that flickered across her consciousness before she finally died was the figure raising her into the air and smiling, giggling all the while. And then taking

I didn't put the last paragraph here because of its content, but let's just say that even without the hole in her throat, Applejack should have died a lot sooner based on what happened to her. Also, starting a sentence with a conjunction. Ding 27

Those pegasus have been trying to freeze us out

"pegasus" is singular, while "pegasi" is plural. I get that the characters in this flashback aren't supposed to be highly educated, but even they would know something like that. Also, I know this because they used "pegasi" for the rest of the chapter. Ding 28

Could...could the unicorns make them go away daddy?

Few things here. One, there should be a space after the ellipses. Two, it should read like this: away, Daddy?" When the child is referring to her father as "Daddy" it's a proper noun, thus it should be capitalized. Ding 29

You’ll be giving her ideas that those horn heads are all powerful next.

That's racist. Ding 30

Final Sin Tally: 30

Sentence...

...

...

You're a silly pony. (Who is? You is! Applejack!)