Everything Wrong With: Huggled
By RedSquirrel456
Sins by BronyWriter

Spoilers

(duh)

Inspired by shortskirtsandexplosions' story Herald.

Story rips off the best grimdark fic on the entire site. Ding 1 Also, skirts. Ding 2

This Is The Only Chapter

"This is the only chapter title of the only chapter" cliche. Ding 3

“I’m trying to study, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight for the eighteenth time that day.

If saying that didn't work the first seventeen times, why would it work on the eighteenth? Ding 4

If personal space was a pony, it was being ruthlessly bucked in the face in a dark alley.

This metaphor plus the slasher smiles all of the pegasi have mean that this fic should have been even darker than the one that inspired it. Ding 5

She couldn’t remember a time when she was actively fighting the impulse to use her magic, but Tornado Twister’s ‘Knock ‘Em Dead’ spell was bubbling right up to the surface and she was making a valiant effort to suppress it.

So her impulse is to murder her friend? Why not a sleep spell? Or teleportation? She doesn't have enough magical finesse to just teleport herself? Ding 6

“I knew it! I knew I wasn’t cut out to be a Snuggle Buddy! I tried to tell them and they wouldn’t listen!

Given the enthusiasm of the pegasi, when would Rainbow have told her fellows that she wasn't cut out to be a Snuggle Buddy? Ding 7

No wonder Rarity keeps throwing things at me whenever I visit her!”

And that works? Then why can't Twilight manage to get Rainbow away from her? Ding 8

You and the other pegasi have been hanging on to ponies whether they like it or not. At all hours of the day. In the middle of every conceivable activity.

Even at night? Surely some ponies can get away once their Snuggle Buddy has gone to sleep. They can't keep control of all the ground ponies at all times. So why can't even one pony get away? Ding 9

Rainbow came off Twilight’s head with an audible pop as Twilight staggered back to her book

Cute line, but what about their contact would have caused this? Ding 10

Just look at how happy Spike is with Fluttershy!

So did the spell that caused all of this make the pegasi lose about fifty IQ points, or at least all social awareness? These characters are not this dumb. I mean, I can accept that the spell changed their brains so that they need to hug and snuggle everything. Huggle, if you will, but why don't they get all of the obvious signals that the ponies around them don't want this? Ding 11

One claw held a wooden spoon he used to stir the food with, and the other was busy holding Fluttershy back at arm’s length as she fluttered with all her meager and not very considerable might to push forward and give him a hug.

How does she not get to him? He's a baby dragon and his arms aren't that long. Plus given that Fluttershy is using her whole body strength (even if it isn't that much) Spike is only using his arm, and in an uncomfortable position to boot. His arm would give out before too long, especially if he's focusing on things like making food. Ding 12

“Um, I’m really sorry Spike, but it’s just I’ve been assigned as your Snuggle Buddy for the day, and I really don’t want to disappoint you by abandoning my duties or anything... besides, Blossomforth’s got Angel today. She deals with the scratches better.”

Few things here: one, are the pegasi hugging all of the animals they see, too? That would make the ratio of pegasi to ground beings about 5-1 if they can keep this all up. Ding 13

Plus where are all of these pegasi coming from? They can't all be from Ponyville as we know the ratio of pegasi to ground ponies isn't that high, if the ratio doesn't swing the other way. You'd think that the ground ponies would outnumber the pegasi unless every pegasus in Equestria got in on this, which we know isn't the case because that means that this problem would definitely have gotten out of Ponyville, and that's all before they factor in the animals. Ding 14

Also this bit implies that the pegasi are getting new orders for new Snuggle Buddies each day, so why can't the ground ponies get away when they switch? Do they all switch at night? Does a pony go to sleep with one pegasus snuggling with them and wake up with another? Who's in charge of assigning Snuggle Buddies? But BronyWriter, you silly pegasus you, this is a comedy and you shouldn't analyze silly things like that. Just laugh, to which I respond that I am laughing, as this is a genuinely awesome fic that I adore, but my suspension of disbelief only goes so far. Ding 15

“I hope so,” Spike grumbled, switching hands to keep Fluttershy back. “My arms can’t take much more of this.”

But that would mean that Spike would either have to turn around to fully extend the other arm, or he's reaching across his body to hold Fluttershy at bay, both of which would result in Fluttershy having her opening to enact Snuggle City upon him. Ding 16

Twilight trotted to the door, dragging Rainbow behind her as the pegasus kept her hooves wrapped firmly around her waist.

Really? How? Four lines up we get this:

Twilight said with conviction, occasionally having to kick Rainbow back whenever she scooted forward to get another quick cuddle in.

When did Rainbow latch on when Twilight was kicking her back? Ding 17

“Don’t worry, Twilight!” she said with her usual incorrigibleness.

I had to look up that word. Ding 18

I never leave my friends hanging, no sir.

No, but you do leave yourself hanging on your friends. Ding 19

With that, she took a running jump and was in the air like a shot.

Like a shot? So Rainbow just immunized Twilight to Tetanus? Ding 20

Everywhere she looked the pegasi of Ponyville were latched onto their ground-bound counterparts, hugging them without end. Unicorns and earth ponies went about their daily business, trying to haggle in the market, fly kites, and even just make pleasant conversation while a fully-grown pegasus hung off their bodies at odd angles, cuddling into their fur coats and stroking their manes and generally just being a big, fluffy, feathery nuisance.

So none of the pegasi are getting tired either? Why can't none of these ponies get away from their Snuggle Buddies? Twilight couldn't because forcing Rainbow off of her would have required the Jaws of Life apparently, but why are none of these ponies fighting in the least? Ding 21

Having said that, this is an awesome line. I know I just awarded a sin, but I'm taking it back. -Ding 20

Ponyvillians at large were moderately amused or annoyed by having a pegasus follow them everywhere and hug them at first. But a day turned to two. Then three. Then a whole week passed with nothing but ever more enthusiastic cuddling from the pegasi, and all the ground-bound ponies were becoming nervous wrecks.

Given that all of the ponies know that Twilight has a direct line to Princess Celestia, why have none of them demanded that she send her a letter? In fact, why hasn't Spike done it himself? Have the pegasi been stopping Twilight whenever she tries? In the original story skirts did some genuinely clever things to keep the princesses out of it. Here they haven't been contacted just because. Ding 21

Just about everything he passed that wasn’t nailed down, including other unlucky ponies, was picked up and chucked back at the pale blue pegasus mare chasing him

I know he's an earth pony and all, but the time it would take to pick up another pony and uselessly throw him or her not very far would be enough time for a pegasus to catch him. Ding 22

Cloudkicker crashed into his side and the both of them went spinning into a heap.

RedSquirrel456 continues the proud tradition of taking a pony with two names and condensing the name into one (e.g. Applebloom, Sweetiebelle etc.) Ding 24

If this kept up she’d have to send a letter to Celestia herself.

Again, why haven't you done that already? It's been a week! Ding 25

She had no illusions about making a break for Whitetail Wood or the roads leading outside town. The pegasi kept hawk-like patrols up on Ponyville’s outskirts, always on the lookout for ponies who managed to break the town’s inner ring.

Again, how many pegasi are there? There are enough to hug each pony and animal, patrol the town and patrol the outskirts with such efficiency that nopony can get away. They're patrolling the roads out of town? Then don't take a main road! Ding 26

moving like a mare on a mission as she scuttled between bushes and awnings and even directly under other ponies, who gave her a strange glance before moving on,

Wouldn't each of the ponies she's moving under have a pegasus attached to them? A pegasus who would notice that Twilight doesn't have a Snuggle Buddy? That would end her trek pretty quickly. Ding 27

She looked across the way to see Applejack leaning on her apple stand trying very hard to ignore the two pegasi attached to her back.

Some ponies get two? I ask again: how many pegasi are there? I know I keep going back to this, but the story keeps bringing up reasons for me to go back to it! Ding 28

Only a little further until she made it to the road to Sweet Apple Acres—the branches of the orchard was the only place she could find the solace to get a few uninterrupted hours of reading time.

Unless Big Mac is working and has a Snuggle Buddy. Plus don't you think one of the thousand pegasi would be on the lookout for ponies who tried that? Ding 29

Also, this does raise an interesting question: what are the foals doing? Does Apple Bloom have Scootaloo latched onto her? Do each of the foals have an adult pegasus attached to them with a slasher smile? They can't each have a foal because there aren't enough pegasus foals for that to work. Ding 30

She burst out the back door of the building and looked left and right, panting heavily. Which way now? A teleport would be too obvious from the noise.

Yeah, but they wouldn't know where you were going. They'd know that you teleported, but not where. Ding 31

“Whose house is this?” asked Twilight.

Amethyst shrugged. “Dunno. Owner must be out of town, or they’re a pegasus caught up in the madness out there.”

Breaking and entering. Ding 32

“I got a horn,” Amethyst said, pointing at said cranial decoration.

Referring to a horn as a "cranial decoration." Ding 33

“Don’t remind me of my duties!” wailed Flaxen Flower, casting her hoof to the graceful, swan-like curve of her cream-white forehead. A wave crested on the shore behind her and burst into phantasmic mist, scattering the blues and purples and oranges and reds of Celestia’s celestial orb. Her dress billowed in the wind like a flag, proud and marely. “Sir Chisel Cleft loves me for who I am!”

Grandmother Mean Whiskers bristled, her eyes blazing with the deepest fury of Tartarus’ angry gates of evil. “You are a Duchess and the heir to my fortune!” she hissed. “I shall lock you away in the tower again for this impudence!”

Flaxen Flower’s limpid pools of brilliant blue settled on the setting sun, setting like those days of innocence and love she had shared with her handsome, lovely, angular Cleft. “I may be a Duchess, grandmother…”

She turned back and her hooves grasped the front of her dress with one delicate hoof and the pin in her mane with the other. In one fell swoop not unlike an ancient pterodactyl she ripped both from her body, exposing her delicate yet firm milk-white chestflesh as the flaxen mane Flaxen was named for burst free. It caught the wind in its bouncy beautiful curls and swirled in swirly patterns, perfectly framing the elegant circular curves of her face.

“...BUT I AM ALSO A MARE!”

This segment. -Ding 31

the sight of every pegasus in the town gathered above Ponyville making their proclamation and then swooping down from the sky like a loveable murder of crows.

"loveable murder of crows." -Ding 30

She reached out and snatched Amethyst’s horn, pressing it quickly to hers.

Twilight gets to second base with Amethyst without consent. Ding 31

“Well, that’s why I’m the unicorn! Somepony has to figure these things out.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes. “I’m a unicorn too—”

“The smart unicorn. Concentrate!”

Twilight is a dick to Amethysts Ding 32

I know what happened!”

“You do?” Turner said, eagerly stepping forward. “What was it then?”

Twilight paused for effect. “I have no idea. The signal was too garbled.

Then why did you say that you know what happened? Ding 33

“Why are we standing on each other’s backs?” she muttered, but nopony answered her.

Amethyst would be excellent at Reading Sins. Ding 34

“On it,” grumbled Amethyst. Without any hesitation her horn lit up and a magical glow surrounded one of the legs of Applejack’s apple stand. Amethyst gave a little tug and out it popped, sending cartons of cameos and gallons of granny smiths tumbling into the street.

Amethyst is a dick to Applejacks. Ding 35

They made a break for the library door, leaving behind a sobbing Applejack as she held up the remains of a once proud and crisp golden delicious.

“Oh, little Caroline,” she blubbered through a face wet with tears and mashed apple.

Wait, Applejack names each of her apples? Or did she just give a name to this random one? It's a cute line, but it makes no sense. Ding 36

Of all the pegasi Twilight knew personally, Fluttershy took to the hugging business with the greatest gusto.

Given what we've seen so far, this is not the case. Ding 37

Derpy Hooves peered back at her.

“Mail call!” she blared at the top of her lungs.

Why is Derpy still delivering mail? Isn't she brainwashed to be a Snuggle Buddy, too? Ding 38

“I’ll defile your face, you lavender pedant!” Amethyst shouted over her.

“Don’t call me words only I’m supposed to know the meaning of!” said Twilight.

Don't use words I have to look up. Ding 39

“Uhh, well!” squeaked Twilight. “I guess that solves that problem! So Derpy didn’t come here to lead a giant murder of marauding feathered demons to our sanctuary?”

“Sure she did, there’s like thirty of ‘em out there,” said Spike, jabbing a thumb over his shoulder. “We’re pretty much doomed. I just didn’t wanna get snuggled to death before making sure you didn’t miss something.”

These lines are hilarious and demand the removal of three sins. -Ding 36

You can try ‘em one at a time or all at once, it’s all the same to us!”

Scene does not immediately devolve into a fluffy, feathery, downy orgy. Ding 37

wrapping her hooves around him like some giant, hug-happy spider

"giant hug-happy spider." Ding 38

She didn’t listen to Spike yelling in her ears and throwing things from her saddlebag at the pursuing pegasi.

Isn't anything in Twilight's bag necessary to finish the spell? Isn't he dooming them all? Ding 39

The world disappeared in a flash of purple, reshaping all around them a moment later. They stood in a darkened room, woozy and disoriented.

“Teleport on the run! Never a fun thing to do,” Twilight gushed,

Why couldn't she have done this earlier? I mean, if there are limitations to her teleportation spell that's fine, but we need to be made aware of those limitations to accept them. Ding 40

“Twilight?” Rarity’s voice called from up the stairs. “Is that you, darling? Have you come to visit? You didn’t bring any pegasi with you, did you?”

How did Rarity escape this? If not leaving your house is all it takes, why isn't everypony doing that? Ding 41

“Which spell was it? Want It, Need It? The CMC Love Poison? Lovely Bunch of Coconuts?!”

Down at an English fair, one evening I was there... Ding 41

Also, Twilight is familiar with the WiNi spell and the Love Poison, so she would know that they do not do these things. Ding 42

“While it’s true that I am pure and wonderful,” crooned Rarity as she fluffed her mane, assuming a more comfortable posture, “it is also a desultory truth that I am the one who began this mess.”

desultory:
adjective
1. lacking in consistency, constancy, or visible order, disconnected; fitful:
desultory conversation.
2. digressing from or unconnected with the main subject; random:
a desultory remark.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm no grammartician, as I think I just proved, but I don't think that word fits with what Rarity is saying. "It's an inconsistent truth that I'm to blame." Ding 43

“I was nervous! I got busy! I had to wash my mane!” Twilight sputtered over Spike’s growing commotion.

Rarity stared. Spike’s whine got louder until he started to sound like a deflating balloon.

“I had a really dirty mane, okay?”

We are not given the details of how Twilight's mane got that dirty. Ding 44

“Apparently the poor dear is having ‘intimacy issues.’” She air-quoted with her hooves and turned over on the couch, huffing. “I was looking for a solution and he’d just been so evasive about it!”

Rarity tries a spell she can't cast instead of getting him Viagra. Ding 45

“I had no choice! Everypony thought we were so happy and I couldn’t let it become a scandal.

So everypony knew about Rarity and Thunderlane but Spike? Ding 46

“I’m so sorry! I just wanted to feel his arms around me again, like the day he saved me at the Academy! But alas, his hooves are filled by the wanton lust of other ponies, and his Snuggle Buddy schedule never involved meeeee!”

Why not? Can't you request him? Apparently Pinkie Pie can ask for Sugarcube Corner to be stuffed with pegasi, but you can't ask for a specific one? I'm sure none of the pegasi would object, so long as you got your daily snuggles. Ding 47

Spike stopped his rolling and started shaking, little spurts of breath escaping his clenched lips.

“Spike,” Twilight warned him. “Don’t do it.”

Spike shook his head.

“I’m warning you, mister!”

Use a sound spell or something! Ding 48

“Rarity,” she whispered, “why do you have a door for your cat?”

Why would she not? I think the better question would be "when did you put in a door for your cat?" Ding 49

“I don’t wanna get snuggled!” Amethyst shouted, trying to climb over Twilight and get behind her. “She was trying to hug me when I was going to the bathroom! Sweet Celestia, the bathroom!”

Do all of them do that, or just Cloudchaser? Ding 50

Twilight hefted him up, holding him by the neck and tail, and aimed him at the beaker. With a firm yank on his tail Spike was stretched out from end to end, his eyes bulging. His mouth jerked open and he belched a mighty gout of flame, enveloping the mixture.

Twilight steals this from Mulan. Ding 51

“Hug this,” she said, and poured the contents of the beaker down her throat.

That might be the worst attempt at an 80s one-liner I've ever seen. Ding 52

She looked over the egregious display to the rest of the pegasi in the room, to see if—yes, they were definitely doing it too, with as much worrying enthusiasm as they had the hugging.

Given the 3-1 ratio of mares to stallions in Ponyville, there's no way we're not getting some mare-on-mare stuff here, and you skipped over that! Ding 53

As much of a dick as I've been to this story, I have to say that I really do enjoy it quite a bit, and it's every bit as hilarious as the title and description imply. It's an excellent story that I'd suggest to anybody. I'm just a dick on the internet who sins things. Minus five sins for an excellent story, though. -Ding 48

Final in Tally: 48
Sentence...

...

...

Huggled. (By all of the pegasi. Forever)

5118205 If you're inspired by SSE, that's a sin in and of itself.

5118205 If you're inspired by SSE, that's a sin in and of itself.

5118607 I did sin that.

5118756 Good, that guy is crap.

5118766 I don't think so. I sinned it as a joke. He's done some good stuff and a lot of... fluff.

5118952 :P you say tomato, I say terrible writer, but whatever, man.