Hello, my name is Neon Lights and I am a unicorn stallion.

Clunky exposition about the character's gender and tribe. It'd be like a person starting a book by saying "hello, my name is John Smith, and I'm a black male" when it has nothing to do with the story as a whole. Ding 1

Not long ago after Lord Tirek was defeated, Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich went into business together.

So, what does Tirek have to do with this? I mean, if you cut out that detail altogether, it wouldn't change a thing, right? Why not just say that Pinkie and Cheese went into business together? Ding 2

A lot of the mascots for these parks were based off of Pinkie’s five friends, with a few smaller ones based off of the rubber chickens that Cheese Sandwich would use in his old routines.

So... there were six or seven mascots? I mean, how many variations of Pinkie's friends and Boneless can you make for one park? Disney has dozens of mascots for one park. This one would have seven? That'd be underwhelming, wouldn't it? Ding 3

Also, the exposition dump to start the story. I mean, I know that Abandoned by Disney also starts off with an exposition dump, but just because it does, doesn't mean this story has to as well. Unless you're writing a play-by-play remake with MLP replacing Disney. If that's the case, why not just read Abandoned by Disney? Ding 4

Nine of these parks have been created with eight still in service at the time I am writing this. However I have a feeling that more may begin to collapse.

Um... why? You don't go on to explain this, making the detail unnecessary. Ding 5

All the fillies and colts loved these films and they enjoyed going to the theme parks based around these films.

Using "films" twice in one sentence. Ding 6

Now when I said there were nine parks, what I should have said was that there are nine parks here in Equestria but ten parks total.

Then why didn't you say that? Ding 7

Despite the Zebra government giving permission many of the inhabitants were outraged, saying that the park would damage some of their ceremonial grounds.

Local burial grounds cliche. Ding 8

When I talked to Zecora about this she explained to me that there are a lot of traditions held highly by zebras in her country, who would like to convince their fellow zebras that they have divine power. Many would claim to be shamans with the ability to use their potions to cast spells and curses.

Zecora explained that there are many ceremonial grounds where ingredients for these potions can be collected. Some ceremonial grounds are also used for the creation of certain potions. This can be due to special natural lighting, like a location where only the light of a full moon can reach, or where certain “phenomena” have occurred.

*sigh* Look, I get that you want to write this in the style of Abandoned By Disney, but you really don't need to. Showing us the actual conversation between you and Zecora would be far creepier and give scenes more power. Ding 9

Despite the continued complaints, Pinkie continued the construction of the park. Or at least they tried to.

Pinkie, or they? Those two words don't go together in this context. Ding 10

Abandoned by Pinkie:

Some say it was due to shallow waters making it difficult for the ships to move.

Abandoned by Disney:

Disney blamed the shallow waters (too shallow for their ships to safely operate)

Ding 11

For those of you who don’t know Discord was the lord of chaos who caused havoc around Equestria. He had even joined forces with Tirek but calmed down after being betrayed by Tirek and being forgiven my Pinkie and her friends.

What? Who would not know who Discord is at this point? He helped Tirek steal the magic from everyone. And, you brought up Tirek randomly again. Though now that you mention it, Discord's Palace would be a terrible idea for a theme park. I mean, the Mane Six and Celestia know he's completely reformed, but the rest of the world probably doesn't, and many who have heard that probably don't believe it. So Pinkie just said "hey, remember that chaos god who mind raped you in Season 2, then helped another evil being forcibly drain all of your magic? Let's build a theme park around him! Ding Ding Ding 14

Sometime after finding the map I received a letter from Pinkie Pie herself. The letter read as follows:

Dear Neon Lights,

I hate to ruin all your fun but I would strongly suggest that you forgot this pursuit of yours.

Pinkie says "forgot this pursuit" instead of "forget this pursuit." Ding 15

I let Vinyl Scratch know about my trip before I departed.

Wait, when did she become relevant to the story? Ding 16

The trip on the plane was rather boring. I slept through most of it. In preperation for the trip I had grabbed a few things and stored them in this sturdy backpack I had bought. Say whatever you want about Mr. Rich, but his company really makes some great backpacks.

Unnecessary information. Ding 17 Also, misspelling "preparation." ding 18

This was difficult as the map wasn’t 100% accurate and I had a hard time talking to the zebras about it. Let me elaborate.

Why didn't you elaborate in the first place? Ding 19

Abandoned by Pinkie:

On the metal gate was a metal sign with the words “Abandoned by Pinkie” spray painted on it in pink letters.

Abandoned by Disney:

Hanging on the gate was a sheet of metal, some random scrap, with hand-painted letters scrawled in black. "ABANDONED BY DISNEY".

Ding 20

It reminded me of one of those abandoned buildings in the movie Draconic Park II, you know the failure of a sequel to that one movie where they resurrected those different species of extinct dragon and made a park around it.

Yeah that was a bad movie.

Forced and unnecessary Jurassic Park reference. Ding 21

On the other side of the kitchen sat containers full of various sweet pastries, all of which had gone stale but were otherwise untarnished. This is probably due to all the sugar and preservatives inside them.

Um... no. This place has been abandoned for years, right? I don't care how many preservatives you put in stuff, it's going to rot. Especially if they have some kind of fruit in them. Ding 22

Abandoned by Pinkie:

Suggestion:

It seems the vandals keep breaking in through the east entrance. I would strongly suggest we increase the number of guards there. It would be much cheaper to pay another guard to watch the gate at night then to continually buy supplies to clean the graffiti off.

A Few Suggestions (Prequel to Abandoned by Disney):

Suggestion: Still need security at south gate. What's cheaper, having a staffer pass by once in a while, or painting over all the vandalism?

Ding 23

maybe there would be something I could take home as a prize showing I my accomplishment.

I my accomplishment. Ding 24

One was for maintenance and the other one surprisingly only for mascots.

Why would that be a surprise? Different staff members have different rooms. Ding 25

When I did I was shocked by the sound of something shattering at my feet.

Looking down between my hooves I was shocked to find the partially broken skull of another pony. Its bone completely stripped of flesh. The sight mortified me. Some pony had died here and Pinkie had tried to cover it up!

You said you were shocked twice. Ding 26 Also, you just found a freaking skull, and you can't say anything more than "I was shocked"? Look, this needs to stand alone from Abandoned by Disney, but in that story, we went through all of the process of finding the skull with the author. So we got his exact reaction when it happened. Not just "I was shocked." Ding 27

Abandoned by Pinkie:

Also Rose Bloom keeps cheating at checkers when she thinks I am not looking. Could someone please address this issue?

A Few Suggestions:

Suggestion: Frank is cheating at solitaire when he thinks I'm not watching. Please do something about this immediately.

Ding 28

I was shocked by what I had read

Yes, I can... see that? Ding 29

Abandoned by Pinkie:

“Hello,” The mascot spook in a squeaky voice, “would you like to see my head come off?”

Abandoned by Disney:

"Hey," it said in a hushed, perverted, but perfectly executed Mickey Mouse voice, "Wanna see my head come off?"

Ding 30

“Awww… please come back,” the admonition giggled. “We could have SO much fun together.”

Admonition: noun 1. an act of admonishing. 2. counsel, advice, or caution. 3. a gentle reproof. 4. a warning or reproof given by an ecclesiastical authority.
Abomination: noun 1. anything abominable; anything greatly disliked or abhorred. 2.intense aversion or loathing; detestation: 3.a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.
Ding 31

A red substance stained the mesh in its mouth as well as its' lower jaw.

Its'. Ding 32 He makes that mistake twice, actually. Ding 33

It wasn’t until I was over the wall outside of the park that I finally stopped to catch my breath. I then noticed some writing on one of the walls:

There is no god here!

See, I go back to Abandoned by Disney again for this. Since the phrase "Abandoned by Disney" was repeated in the story, when "Abandoned by God" appeared, it fit with the repetition, on top of the fact that it comes right after the "wham" moment of the story. It drives home how utterly evil this place is. Here, it just kind of comes out of nowhere, and it doesn't fit with the repetition of "Abandoned by Pinkie."
Ding 34

Author's Note:

A friend of mine on Deviant Art (WBC-The-Zorgic) pointed out to me that it might be creepier if the Pinkie Mascot's blood also had confetti in it. Therefore, it had to be done.

Your friend was wrong. Ding 36.

Final Sin Count: 36
Sentence...
...
...
Abandoned by FimFiction (Abandoned by God)

4770334 I could have spent about an hour putting a whole list together just for the heck of it, but I'm lazy. Ding 1

Its'. Ding 32 He makes that mistake twice, actually. Ding 33

Then why didn't you mention it? Ding 2

I counted a sin for both you and me. Ding 3

Has anyone so far sinned a popular fic? It's kind of shameful to tackle the lower fics. It's too easy. Ding 4

4770521 I sinned Princess Celestia Hates Tea.

4770521 Then you should go sin Past Sins. I can think of one right now. It has 'Sins' in its name.

I