Everything Wrong
With
"The End of Laughter"
(by PurgingLight)

in 3100 words or less.

Spoilers!!

(duh)

______________________________________________________

Everypony makes mistakes, after all. Just some... are a bit worse than others.

Some... what? Some mistakes? Some ponies? And what's with the random "after all" here in the first line of the description? ... Well, at least the rest of it is passable, if as ominous as a sunny day. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

Princess Celestia, I object!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

"SILENCE!" yelled Celestia. "This court finds you Guilty of the charges brought against you here today. Your sentence is 6 months solitary confinement."

This author has notoriously unexplained beginnings for everything, including the first chapter, it seems. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

Also, I'll sentence that sentence to solitary confinement for randomly capitalizing "guilty" and missing an "of" before the solitary confinement itself. *(ding!)* *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

"NOPONY TAKES AWAY MY PINKIE PIE!"

Just then, an odd magic bolt flies full-speed at Celestia…

Ah, yes. "Odd". Such an expressive word. I know exactly what to think of that magic bolt now. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

And after all that, I, Pinkie, am alone for the first time in my life.

Um, nope, you've been alone before. Several times in the show itself, in fact, the most notorious one being in "Party of One". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

Also, this sentence seems to suggest this was written after the previous conflict with she being pronounced guilty, but someone who wasn't Pinkie or Celestia yelled in that scene, and in fact produced magic. But then she's alone? Why isn't that person around? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 7

Perhaps in writing of how this came to be, it'll prevent somepony else from making the same mistakes I have.

Ah, yes, this'll be useful to any of the 0 ponies around her right now. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

And good thing she just happens to have a pen and paper at this time. Then again, this is the ever-prepared Pinkie Pie who has stashes of things hidden all around Ponyville... only, the previous scene was in a courtroom with Princess Celestia, so I'd assume she's actually in Canterlot now. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

[Winter Wrap-up has just finished, so it's time for me to start harvesting my own winter crops.]

I love how these so-called "winter" crops are only about to be harvested after the event which is supposed to signal the end of winter. I suppose the author was trying to say that they just grew through winter and are really to harvest now, but dude, it's winter! It's one hard season for crops to grow! Furthermore, you saw Ponyville coated in white and with the lake frozen in that episode, didn't you? I'm just not buying that anything short of the apple trees endured that. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

Also, this is Pinkie, right? Why is she planting anything? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

"Pinkie darling, are you down there?"

"Patience, Rarity! This takes time, and I haven't even started yet!"

If I didn't have context, I'd never believe that was Pinkie saying that. Great. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

*shuffles through some order papers*

I'm all for getting to the meat of things, and if it's mainly in the dialog or actions of characters, that's fine, but this story seriously need some more actual writing in it. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 13

"Darling, I've got that down payment as promised, all 15,000 Bits. Now, I'll leave you to work your own magic. See me in the Boutique when you're available, please."

So, did she come all this way to interrupt Pinkie just to say she had enough to pay her? And then she'll leave and expect the goods are delivered to her? It seems pretty pointless. Either get the thing on the spot or just wait at home! This is Pinkie, the creator of the Pinkie Promise we're talking about. You can trust her to honor a deal. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

Also, we only briefly see how much bits are worth in the show, but I can safely say fifteen thousand bits is an unreasonable amount, probably just there to make the point we're dealing with black market level stuff. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

Now, as for Dashie, where's her…]

"FOUND YA!"

[Impeccable timing…]

"Good heavens, Rainbow Dash! Fancy seeing your multi-coloured mane around at this fine hour!" *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16

"Dashie, where's your delivery bag at? I could have swore you left it here last fall."

I could have sworn I saw something wrong with this sentence... *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

"I did! But had to grab it. Business boom and all that back in Cloudsdale." She dropped a paper on the table. "Okay, not exactly a boom, but…"

"DASHIE! I said we fly UNDER the radar! We can't attract attention to ourselves like Derpy to free muffins!"

That's a pretty pathetic comparison. The muffins don't do anything to bring attention to themselves other than just being there. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

"Coincidentally…", says Dashie, sliding the form to Pinkie.

"WHAT NOW!?!", she exclaimed, looking at the paper. "Derpy, 200 muffins, 1,700 Bits...

Random tense change between those sentences. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

Alright, Dashie, but no others! This isn't exactly legal, you know.

*(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

And make sure she pays, or it's coming out of YOUR pocket!"

Rainbow Dash gulped. Last time Pinkie said something like that, she wound up spending several months in the CCU of Canterlot Hospital due to various organs getting damaged and then failing.

Last time I saw such an OOC Pinkie Pie, I was... reading this, actually. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 21

Also, the way this part is structured, I can only guess Rainbow's organs are in her pockets or something. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 22

[What am I going to do with her? Maybe some special Rainbow Breath Brownies or something…]

Nod to Cupcakes. This is worth at least a thousand sins, but I'll be fair. For now. *(somedings!)*

Sin Tally: 27

"Miss Pinkie Pie! Breakfast rush! To the counter, on the double!"

"Right away Mrs. Cake!"

This... doesn't sound like Mrs. Cake at all, unless she was randomly drafted into the military at some point. I know I'm hammering on the OOC button, but I swear, it is a freakin' problem through this. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 28

[Wow. What a beautiful full moon tonight. Time to crunch the numbers and get stuff done.]

You know those times when the moon is so beautiful that you want to look away from it and do some hardcore math and stuff? Yeah? Me neither. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 29

Tapping away at the keyboard while muttering to herself,

This isn't "Human" or "Anthro", so those better be some fucking huge keys that keyboard sports. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 30

Pinkie didn't even notice somepony creeping in the floor level of the Sugarcube Corner until the crashing sound of pots & pans gets her attention.

Stick to one tense, story, please. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 31

"Applejack? What are you doing here?!? Can't you see we're closed?"

"Ah could ask you the same thing Pinkie."

"Well, I do the books for Mrs. Cake. Sometimes, I work late. Now, your turn."

OK. Doing the books for Mrs. Cake: questionable, but possible. Working late? Ridiculous. Her "work" in the Sugarcube Corner would be either to bake goods or sell them to customers, or both. Both of these are completely useless while the store is closed. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 32

"Well, RD told me about these muffins that relax anypony, so ah figured to copy it and bake them myself."

... Well, at least she's honest? That's about the only Applejack-y thing in this sentence. She seems to have way too much moral fiber to just break into someplace to steal a recipe, and she doesn't call Rainbow Dash just "RD". *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 33

"NOT ON MY WATCH!" The last thing Applejack saw was Pinkie's hooves coming at her face.

[Note to self: Do the same thing to Dashie next time I see her…]

Oh, yeah, screw Rainbow Dash for not thinking that perhaps her most honest and morally strong friend would attempt to steal the recipe of your illegal muffins. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 34

Dawn begins to break over Ponyville.

[Such a beautiful day.

What's up with Pinkie's sudden obsession with the outside? At some point before, she said:

[Arrrrrrgh! How much longer to I have to work in this rat hole?]

I can't quite fathom someone appreciating the grandeur of the day and night happily while being at the same time this frustrated with their job. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 35

I can get the other business done. First things first, Rarity's deposit.]

As she gets near the Boutique, she hears music blasting from inside.

??Collect the parts where I went, against the grain, against the odds ??

Wait, those are actual lyrics, aren't they...? Isn't THAT illegal- oh wait, the author changed them ever so slightly to dodge that. ... I don't know how I feel about that. I'll just add a sin because the lyrics seem to just be there for no good reason at all. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 36

[Again? I really hope she's not experimenting with that new dragon again. The last time was disastrous.]

She shuddered at the very memory of what happened... Sugarcube Corner exploding, Rarity's Boutique going up in flames, and more… That was something she wished she could forget.

Ah, yes, dragons are apparently the most explosive form of music player in Equestria now. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 37

"Rarity! I'm here!" Pinkie shouted.

The door then flung open, with a roll of fabric right behind, causing Pinkie to roll out into the road.

I love how the sentence doesn't even specify whether it was the roll that caused Pinkie to roll along into the road. It just says the roll of fabric was right behind the door. It could be safely tucked away there while Pinkie spontaneously rolled herself into the road. Which, I guess, would have been the most in-character that Pinkie would have been this whole story. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 38

"Rarity, could you turn off that racket please?"

With a little flex of magic, the music shuts off.

Flex those horn muscles, girl! Definitely don't emit a flash of magic or anything, though. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 39

"Darling, come to collect so soon?

Well, you are the one who went out of their way to let her know the payment was ready and waiting. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 40

"That's not what's on my mind right now," replied Pinkie, cutting Rarity short. "I know that when you've got that music going, that dragon is around. WHAT THE HAY FOR?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US ALL?!?"

"Calm down Pinkie." Rarity reassured her, "On the contrary. I've adopted her.

Contrary... to what? To the dragon being there? Doesn't that make it even more likely that the dragon IS around? Or did you mean contrary to her trying to kill you all? Because those two aren't actually the opposites of each other. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 41

I've found out that anything that reminds her of her parents helps keep her from rampaging. Doesn't help any that she's half dragon, half alicorn."

What do those sentences even have to do with each other? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 42

To which Rarity said, "Afraid not darling. Come collect when it's convenient for you."

Well, what do you think she meant to do, coming to your house the day after you told her she could come to collect the money? Have a tea party? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 43

And with that, Rarity went back inside, slamming the door behind her and turning the music back on. As Pinkie turned away, a cloud blocked out the sun.

Really? She went out of her way this day, in which she says she can "get business done", going to Rarity's house, only to have her reveal something to her and not do anything business-like in the process? What sense does this make? Granted, Pinkie isn't a character to always make sense, except when you throw her ACTUAL character traits out the window, and then SPEND THE WHOLE FIC PORTRAYING HER AS THIS GRITTY, EDGY DRUG-DEALER TIED TO THIS HORRIBLE BUSINESS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!

... Did I mention how much Pinkie is out of character yet? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 44

"Dashie, did you get it yet?" she hollered.

"One minute! I'll have to clear the sky first! I'll have it done in 10 seconds flat."

Rainbow asks Pinkie to wait for 60 seconds for her to perform a task she can do in 10. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 45

And then Rainbow Dash darted to and from, until the sky was cleared once more. Seeing this always made Pinkie wish that one of them was a stallion, so they wouldn't have to hide their feelings.

That came out of complete nowhere. And I guess quickly disposing of clouds is Pinkie's fetish. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 46

"Thanks Dashie. Oh, by the way, there was a problem last night due to your big mouth. We had a burglar trying to steal that muffin recipe."

"So what?"

Is this the SAME Rainbow Dash that was intimidated into submission by Pinkie just the day before? Really? This story has less consistency than an LSD trip. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 47

Big mistake. The moment her eyes were shut, Pinkie slammed Dashie's head with her hoof, rendering her unconscious on contact.

In no point of the writing does it say that Rainbow Dash descended after riding the sky of the clouds. For all we know, she should still be flying by now, making this scene impossible. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 48

Also, what sort of training does Pinkie has that makes her able to knock out perhaps the two strongest or at least more athletic mares in all of Ponyville so easily? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 49

Applejack woke up in Fluttershy's bed.

This is literally all the initial set-up for the next scene. Prolific writing right there. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 50

"Oh, you poor dear. Glad you're awake now. What happened to you Applejack?"

To which Applejack replied sourly, "Pinkie Pie. She knocked me out cold when ah went for a recipe last night."

"Last night? But how? You've been out for 3 days. I've been so worried about you. Found you lying in the fountain. I'm surprised you didn't drown."

I know I just spoke about Pinkie having a horribly potent knock-out move, but it deserves an extra sin for the single hit she delivered to have rendered Applejack unconscious for 3 freakin' days. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 51

By the way, Fluttershy isn't that dense. A more appropriate response would have been: "Actually, um, it wasn't exactly 'last night'. You were out for 3 days, so..." and so on. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 52

"THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!" yelled the now enraged Applejack. "Ah know that it's not exactly her fault for acting this way, be we have to report her to Celestia before she kills somepony."

"But Twilight-"

Applejack cut her off. "Ah don't give a flying feather what Twi would do!

The fruits of true friendship reflecting in these characters, amirite? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 53

She and Spike are not with us anymore. We got to take charge, for all our sakes!"

"I'm sorry. You're right. Let me get my saddlebag and I'll fly you to Canterlot."

Well, that was a quick convincing. Which would be fine, except that Fluttershy isn't that easy to dissuade anymore. If you saw her encounter with Iron Will and the entirety of "Bats!", which, apropos, has an example of conflict between the two characters shown in this scene right now, you should know what I'm talking about. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 54

And are you implying that Fluttershy is going to carry Applejack all the way to Canterlot by herself? I hope you aren't, story. I can only laugh at that prospect. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 55

"SHINING ARMOR!!!"

He looked up just in time to see Applejack falling from the sky.

Oh, you did it, didn't you. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 56

Wait, what the fuck? Why is Shining Armor there!? Didn't Fluttershy say she'd fly her to Canterlot? Shining should be in the Crystal Empire, shouldn't he? I mean, he was the captain of Celestia's guard, but one would think that living and protecting a completely different kingdom would occupy most, if not all his time nowadays. To put it bluntly, it's impossible he's just there for that reason, then. Unless this is an Alternate Universe, but it sure doesn't have that tag! *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 57

"What are you doing flying in?

That's racist. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 58

She cut him short. "Nevermind that right now. We got an emergency in Ponyville! Is it possible to speak with the princesses?"

"Of course Applejack," came the reply. "I'll go immediately to inform them of your request.

I suppose it's one of the advantages of being an Element of Harmony bearer, being able to crash into the princesses' schedules whenever you want. And yet, Shining Armor knows nothing of what's going on before saying he'll inform the princesses. He just knows it's an "emergency". What's he supposed to relay to the princesses? This would be fine if he was taking Applejack to talk directly to the princesses himself, but he says that "I'll go", not that Applejack should follow him or anything. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 59

—Meanwhile—

Lovely transition. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 60

Dashie was regaining her senses. She realized that she was strapped down to a table, and poised to fall into some sort of giant machine.

"Sooooo… Dashie… Didn't I say NOT to anger me? That you'd regret it if you did? Well, you did, so IT'S TIME TO PAY!"

And with those words, the machine turned on, sounding like a blender. The restraints holding Dashie in place started loosening their hold…

This last part feels rushed, unimaginative and tries to convey tension and suspense but ultimately fails because the words are so snappy and rushed and the characters are such a vague semblance of their usual selves that I just completely stopped caring. At all. *(ding!)*

______________________________________________________________

Fanfic Sin Tally: 61
Sentence: Destroyed by a half-dragon half-alicorn being (with British!Pinkie riding on the back)

3816140 Phew, thank god someone reviewed this one. It was on my list of things to review... until I actually read it. Once I read it, my response was, and I quote,

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH ANYTHING IN THIS STORY?!

Good job. Cheers

3816365 That is the only thing to take away from this story, really. I was also pretty confused. Oh, and I'm glad to hear you were OK with me reviewing it, because I thought this was added due to being one of those horrible, horrible fics that you would like to methodically take apart...

Thanks. xD

3816838 Nah, I just recommended this one because I thought it needed a review, not because it was god awful, but because it made little to no sense. As for a 'horrible horrible fic that I'd like to methodically tear apart', I'm currently working on one of those. Specifically for a story that does almost everything wrong (seriously, it's a self-insert story that somehow manages to make everyone, including the self-insert himself, seem OOC. I wasn't even aware that that was possible, yet the writer did it.). It'll be a while before I'm done with that one, though.

3817269
3816838 But still... we all know what story is a LOT worse than this. You guys both know what 'one' I'm talking about.
Review will be complete by the weekend.