EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH

In 1900 words or less
SPOILERS!!!
(duh...)

Scootaloo lay on her bed in Rainbow Dash’s house, trying to hold back the tears.

1. Apparently, Scootaloo lives with Rainbow Dash now, despite having a home away from Dash in the show’s canon.

Wondering why her wings weren't growing, Rainbow Dash had checked her in at the hospital.

2. Cue the most rushed flashback in the history of the world!

She had been diagnosed with some fancy-named disease that basically meant here wings wouldn't grow because the disease constantly ate away at her wing bones.

3. Oh, you mean like this guy?

4. Also, here should be her.

"Scootaloo, look, it isn't that bad... you know, maybe Twilight can make some magic, right?"

5. Umm… where exactly are you going with this, Rainbow? Unless Twilight can do something about Scootaloo’s wings (which you’ll say that she can’t in a couple sentences.), there’s not much that Twilight’s magic can do here to cheer Scootaloo up.

Even with magic, if Twilight could do such a thing, it wasn't the same. She would always feel empty flying without her wings.

6. How does she know that she would always feel empty flying without her wings? When did Scootaloo ever fly without her wings?

"Then what's the point?! I can't use my wings!"

7. “
8. ‘

Her wings were what made her a pegasus. Without them, she would just be an enchanted filly.

9. Until she became older, at which point she’d be an enchanted mare!

This was it. Her life was over.

10. ‘My life is over’ cliché.

Rainbow Dash knocked lightly on the door and stepped inside. “Scoot? You okay?”

11. It’s just been confirmed that her life’s ambitions have been crushed, Rainbow! Do you honestly need to ask if she’s doing ok after her life dream has been crushed? HELLO??

Honestly... was Rainbow Dash blind?

12. Why are you asking the audience that?

Scootaloo looked over to see Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle standing in the doorway.

13. How does that work? This is in Rainbow’s house, correct? Y’know, the house that’s made out of clouds? Wouldn’t Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle just fall through the floor when Rainbow brought them there?

She seemed to be connected to the filly, like she knew what it was like to be unable to use what made a pony themselves.

14. How on earth does Apple Bloom know how that feels? When was she ever in that sort of position?

Scootaloo sat up and looked at her friends. They both looked so sincere, so caring. She was lucky. They didn't deserve her as a friend... they needed somepony better than her.

15. ‘They deserve someone better’ cliché

Sweetie Belle spoke up. “I’m going to go check with Zecora. She may have a cure.”

16. Why don’t you have Apple Bloom go instead, Sweetie Belle? She’s been through the forest more times than you have, and she seems like a regular visitor to Zecora’s, so why don’t you let her go instead?

Scootaloo shook her head. "But that forest is dangerous. It's... it's evil..."

17. You’ve already been in that forest before, Scootaloo, and you made it out just fine. Same goes with Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Spike, Owliscious, the Main six, and Zecora! The point is, that forest is not dangerous!

Sweetie smiled. "Hey, I'll be fine. I'll go fast, and Zecora's hut is safe, so I'll be fine.

18. You said ‘I’ll be fine’ twice in a row. Repetitive much?

Just meet up at the Library at around... noon."

19. Somehow, Sweetie is able to approximate how long the trip will take her, despite never going to Zecora’s hut before.

She got up and left, leaving only two little fillies.

20. Because the author doesn’t think we’ll be able to figure out how many crusaders are left without him telling us.

Scootaloo shook her head. She didn't want to play a game. She didn't want to play a game.

21. She didn’t want to play a game. She only wanted to say the exact same thing twice in a row.

She didn't want to do anything. She just wanted to fly.

22. Flying is technically doing something, y’know? Either you want to fly, or you want to do nothing, but it can’t be both at the same time, Scoots.

The earth pony carried a certain, calming charm with her.

23. It’s the bow, isn’t it?

“I don’t know what to do. How am I supposed to be a Pegasus if I can’t fly with my wings? Isn't that what Pegasi do?”

24. Why is the Pegasus here asking the Earth Pony what Pegasi do? Wouldn’t she be better off asking a Pegasus that?

Scootaloo growled. “I don’t want to take care of animals. I want to have adventures, have fun. I want to fly!”

25. You can have adventures without wings, Scootaloo. Just read Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone if you don't believe me.

“Come on. We should check with Sweetie Belle. Who knows? Maybe she actually found something.”

26. The only way that I could believe that she already found something is if the scene between Apple Bloom and Scootaloo lasted for about 4 hours, in which case I’d have to wonder how that scene we had was able to last that long.

“Of course!” Apple Bloom got off the bed and walked toward the door. “Come on. We should check with Sweetie Belle. Who knows? Maybe she actually found something.”
“You found a cure!?” Scootaloo practically tackled Sweetie Belle. She grabbed her friend and spun her around. “Are you serious?”

27. I did not edit this. This is literally the next sentence. We skip ahead to a new conversation that takes place a little while later, all without bothering to set the scene first. I’m sorry to say this, but a line on its own won’t cut it.

Sweetie Belle squeaked out the words. “Yes. Zecora has a cure.”

28. When you consider how often Zecora has a cure that doctors do not, it’s a wonder that anypony goes to the hospital in this world.

Scootaloo dropped her friend and ran around Twilight's library, where Sweetie had been studying Scootsaloo’s medical condition before they arrived.

29. Scootsaloo

“I can’t believe it! A cure! I could fly!”

30. Could fly? You only think a cure could only possibly grant you flight? You’re not very confident in this cure, are ya?

“But there’s a problem.” Sweetie Belle said. “She needs a special ingredient called ‘Latsinhos’, or something like that.”
“So?” Scootaloo couldn't stop smiling.
“So she doesn’t have any.” Sweetie walked towards the kitchen.
“Well, we’ll go get some!”

31. 'I don’t even know for sure what this thing is, but I’m gonna go get some anyway!' Well, at least she’s confident, I suppose.

Apple Bloom began to speak, her face in a book. She looked like a little egghead, like a mini, wingless version of Twilight.

32. Complete with yellow fur and a ribbon! Just like Twilight!

“Laxinhos: A rare herb known to have weird and mysterious powers. Only grows in the Pleusian Forest.” She held the book up and showed the picture to her friends. It looked like grass, but glowing.

33. How was Apple Bloom able to look that up so quickly? I’d be surprised if she even found a book with that information that quickly, let alone found the page it was on.
34. Also, no high quality source would ever say that something had ‘weird’ powers.

“What?” The squeaky voice of there friend came from their friends head

35. Just in case you thought Sweetie Belle’s voice came out of her tail.

as she poked around the kitchen door frame. Smoke was floating out the door and windows in the kitchen.

36. That’s a cute reference, but it brings up the question of why Sweetie Belle just randomly decides to start cooking in someone else’s home. Does she have no respect for the belongings of others?

“It only blooms for one week every five years."

37. Question: Does this herb thing just die the second the week ends? If so, then how is this thing not extinct? It would need to reproduce at some point, right?

She read a little more, then her eyes widened. "It stops blooming tomorrow morning.”

38. Really? Its exact blooming dates were listed in this book? I find that really hard to believe.

Scootaloo looked at the clock. It was almost night time. Around eight in the afternoon, on a summer day.

39. 8? I don’t know about you, but I consider 8 PM night, not afternoon.

“Rainbow Dash!” The trio found her exiting Sugercube corner. “Rainbow Dash!”

40. Good thing Rainbow hadn’t gone to bed yet, or else they would really be in trouble.

Rainbow Dash frowned and shook her head. “No. That forest is too dangerous at night. We’ll have to go tomorrow.”

41. Huh. Didn’t think that it would be Rainbow Dash of all ponies exercising caution here.

“But it stops blooming tomorrow morning!”
A look of sadness fell on Dash’s face. “I’m really sorry Scootaloo. It’s too dangerous. When does it bloom again?
“In five years.” Apple Bloom said.
Rainbow Dash seemed to consider the idea, but shook her head. “No. We aren’t going. Now you need to go home before you do something stupid.”

42. WHAT??? Rainbow won’t do it, even though it would cost her ‘sister’ everything, and she knows she wouldn’t get another chance for 5 years? Geez Rainbow, you could probably get this herb by yourself within the hour! Why aren’t you helping Scoots out here?!

Apple Bloom saw the tears falling from Rainbow's eyes as she carried her little sister back to her house, dashing her dreams, spirits, and heart.

43. I suppose remorse is a start, but still, this behavior is totally unreasonable and OOC for Rainbow! She wouldn’t do this when she knows what is on the line, especially since I’m willing to bet that she could get this herb herself without any trouble!
Chapter 2

She would have to wait five more years, but that was a long time for a pony like Scootaloo.

44. That would be a long time for anypony at all.

And what if it died off next year? Then Scootaloo would never fly.

45. How are you so sure that it hasn’t died off already? For all you know, this herb might not even exist anymore! I wouldn’t count that as a sin, if the fic hadn’t mentioned that in the first place!

How dangerous could a forest be? After all, she'd been to the Everfree and that was one of the most dangerous places ever.

46. No it’s not. Not anymore.

Once outside, she headed off to the Everfree forest. She remembered that the forest had been on the west side of the Everfree forest, so that was where she went.

47. How does she remember? She never saw the map, and Applebloom only mentioned it being near the Everfree! How on earth does she know what cardinal direction it’s in?

The sky was clear, and she could see all the stars. She loved looking at the stars. She would trace pictures in them with her friends, often making the most ridiculous or funny pictures they could.

48. Pointless detail is pointless.

She would trace the stars with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom when she had given her friend her wings back.

49. What do you mean, give her friend her wings back? When did she ever have her ‘flying’ wings in the first place?

The Pleusian Forest was exotic looking. The trees all had a light glow to them, and looked more like palm trees than forest trees. She wondered how they missed it all these years.

50. I'm wondering the same thing.

She set about looking for the herb. Obviously, it would grow on the ground, right?

51. Who are you asking?

Try as she might, she couldn’t see anything that looked like what she saw in the book.

52. That might be because Sweetie Belle never saw the book in the first place! She was in the kitchen the whole time that Apple Bloom was looking though the books! She never had an opportunity to see the dang thing in the first place!

She felt like she was being watched, like the shadows held an evil that waited for her, waiting to grab her.. She saw nothing but could have sworn she had heard a rustle. She grabbed a nearby log and used it to reach the herb.

53. These first two sentences seem a bit out of place here.

Before she hit the ground, something wrapped around her legs, holding her up. All four legs were bound by what looked like a tentacle. She tried to get free, but the thing’s grip was strong. It left like a vise had clamped onto her leg and was slowly crushing it.

54. Switch the letters L and F in the word left.
55. Also, her leg? Last I checked, this thing was holding all 4 legs at once! Why is it just crushing them one by one?

After a lot of biting and yanking, her leg came off, and the beast dropped it. Sweetie Belle, through her pain and agony, saw she was wrong about the head. Below her, a huge maw gaped wide to swallow her leg. It's tongue shot out to wrap around her severed leg then sucked it into it's gaping jaw.

56. Scene forces me to visualize the leg being ripped off of a child. Geez, this story has issues.

She would die now because... because of what? Some random monster grabbing her while she tried to help a friend? She never thought it would end this way.

57. Yeah, no one else ever expects to die that way either.

Before it could finish her off, something flew out of the sky and smashed what was biting her. The blob exploded, spraying blood and flesh all over Sweetie Belle.

58. Rainbow Dash to the rescue! Although I have to wonder how Dash knew about Sweetie being in the forest. Was this just an incredibly lucky coincidence? Maybe Rainbow was going to get the herb solo? Either way, this seems too lucky to not earn a sin.

She was lifted off the ground rather fast, and within seconds, was back on the ground, this time outside of the forest and in Sweet Apple Acres. She was apple to make out Rainbow Dashes face above her.

59. She was apple? Were you trying to make a pun, or did you really confuse apple and able?
60. Also, why do you have Rainbow Dashes (that’s plural)? The singular is Rainbow Dash’s

Rainbow Dash didn’t despite , so she eventually shut up.

61. I don’t think you know what the word despite means, Mr. Melodies.

Rainbow was so stubborn. Sweetie was her friend! Why would withhold information about her friend from her?

62. Story tells the audience two things that they already know.
63. Also, add a she between would and withhold.

When they got to the hospital, they were told to wait in the waiting room.

64. Where else would they be told to wait? The cafeteria?

Scootaloo turned to Rainbow Dash, determined to get an answer. “What happened?”
Rainbow Dash turned away, wincing as if speaking any words would pain her. “Rarity contacted me at around midnight when she found Sweetie Belle’s room empty. She searched the house but couldn’t find her. I knew she might have gone for the forest after I told her no, so I decided to check.

65. Oh, so Rarity told Rainbow Dash, and that's how Rainbow knew where Sweetie was? I guess I'll have to subtract one sin for the lucky coincidence a little while back, since it actually was explained.
64. ...Then again, how exactly could Rarity have contacted Rainbow? I mean, Equestria has no phones, Rainbow typically sleeps with earplugs in, and Rarity has no way to enter Rainbow’s house, what with it being in the clouds and all. How on Earth did Rarity inform Rainbow about this?

This would give her life a meaning, a purpose. yet it came at what price?

65. At the very least, it came at the cost of one of your best friend’s legs.

She sat down, gently holding the herb in her hooves. Sweetie Belle had gone and gotten them for her.

66. Thank you for telling us what had just happened in the part that we had just read not a moment ago! Really appreciate your redundancy.

After a while, Rarity came back, crying, followed by the doctor. Scootaloo got really scared. What was wrong?
“Apple Bloom?” the doctor asked.
The little yellow filly followed the doctor,

67. Ok, Rarity on her own makes some sense, but why are you taking Apple Bloom alone? Are you doing this just to try to get Scootaloo to burst from suspense?

leaving Scootaloo with no one to talk to. Rainbow Dash was gone, and Apple Jack had gone to get them all something to drink.

68. I know Rainbow Dash isn’t particularly close to Sweetie Belle, but why did she just up and leave? Seems like a pretty rude move, Rainbow.

Sweetie Belle’s eyes widened and a look of fear crossed her face for a few seconds, then she returned to normal. “Sorry. My vision just left for a second.”

69. Or three seconds, as the case would be.

Sweetie Belle laughed. “Well, you know, I may not have a choice. I feel weird right now. Like... like I’m being pulled from my body.”

70. Why is Sweetie laughing here? Nothing that she or Scootaloo have said is funny, so why is she laughing? I would think she would act a little less casual while she was on her death bed!

Scootaloo looked at the herb in her hand.

71. Scootaloo has hands now?

She coughed a little bit, but even her coughs sounded so... peaceful.

72. I don’t care who you are, coughs cannot sound peaceful.

“But what about your dreams?” Scootaloo felt another tear slide down her cheek. “You can’t live them out if you d-die.”
Sweetie Belle laughed once more. “Oh Scootaloo... maybe my dream is to help my friends live theirs.”

73. That is… both selfless and sad all at once. I honestly couldn’t sin that if I tried.

One, precious tear ran down her cheeks, coming to rest on the bed sheets she lay under.

73. Single tear cliche.

The monitor ceased beeping and gave one, unending note.

74. Pretty convenient that she had died only after she had finished saying all she wanted to say.

Scootaloo grabbed the little fillies hoof, tears falling faster.

75. The correct usage here is filly’s.

“No!” She didn’t want to leave. Sweeite wasn't dead! She couldn't be!

76. Misspelled Sweetie.
Chapter 3

Scootaloo stood at the edge of a cliff, string into the cold, hard stone below.

77. String should be staring

Each day her wings got bigger until they were almost the same size as Rainbow Dash’s.

78. As big as Rainbow Dash’s wings? Rainbow Dash’s wings are about as long as Scootaloo’s entire body! Those are some pretty big wings for such a small body!

she told Rainbow Dash that he needed to be alone for a few days

79. Sentence refers to Scootaloo as both a male and a female, for some reason.

She jumped off the cliff, letting herself fall. She closed her eyes, waiting until she almost hit the ground. She spread her wings and her descent stopped suddenly, then took off into the sky, flying over and under the clouds.

80. Story gives a fake out suicide? Why? Was that really necessary? Granted, we knew she wouldn’t do it, but still.

She spun and dived and rose in the air. She never felt so alive. But without Sweetie Belle, was it worth it?

81. Okay, this is the third paragraph this chapter that talks about the exhileration of flying mixed in with the debate on whether it was worth losing Sweetie Belle or not. I suppose the portrayal is realistic enough, but it’s honestly just getting repetitive at this point.

The funeral wasn’t for another day, so she wasn’t in a hurry.

82. Wait, not for another day? This happened two months after Sweetie's death! Does it really take two months to prepare a funeral? I mean, I don’t know from experience, but two months seems a bit long.

She opened the door to the Carousels Boutique. She expected to see Rarity making dresses, or talking to her friends, or something that she always did.
Instead, what she saw made her mouth drop open.
Sweetie belle stood there, right next to Rarity, who was smiling yet still looked sad.

83. Wait, WHAT?? Sweetie’s still alive?? What??

“Well, I don’t know exactly. I know I died. I saw heaven.

84. She saw heaven? So ponies are religious. Who knew?

“Once she recovered, she was put into rehabilitation for a few weeks. About a day after you left, two days ago, the doctors told us what had happened.

85. Really? The doctors only told Rarity two days ago? Sweetie was in rehab for several weeks, and no one is informed until most of the Rehab time is up? I would think they could’ve told her around the time Sweetie made it into Rehab, not when she was out of rehab!

Why did Sweetie Belle go?” Scootaloo asked. She was afraid to hear the answer.
Sweetie Belle spoke, her voice squeaking as a tear fell on her cheek. “I’m blind, Scootaloo.”

86. She’s blind? Why? What ever happened during that incident that could’ve caused her to go blind?

Sweetie Belle laughed, so sweet and clear. “Scootaloo, you’re happy.

87. Are you sure about that? I don’t know, Scootaloo didn’t sound very happy at any point in this chapter.

She smiled so brightly the sun paled in comparison. "Right?"

88. And that is how Sweetie Belle made both Scootaloo and Rarity blind as well!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SIN COUNT: 88
SENTENCE:
SACRIFICE (to a Tentocna.)
Story here

3792182 Nice review, young Spratt!

I'll be doing *(gag)* 'The story that shalt not be named' during the weekend. Think of it as act of pure generosity to our lovely little group.

3792313 Thanks Sarge! Take that monster down! (shudders internally.)

Oh my god this was awesome! I really loved this! Like, for real!

Maybe do another story of mine?

3793480 Well, I put "I'm so... so sorry." in the request folder, so it's possible that someone would take on that one, but as for me personally reviewing another one of your stories... possibly. I'll look through them, and see if there's another one I'd be able to pull off.
And I'm glad you enjoyed it! Cheers

3793626 Shweet!

3793626 you mean mine? Kill it with fire. Please
edit: sorry, wrong person

How?! How do you become blind by losing a leg?! I can understand if she said it was because of oxygen deprivation from being dead, but no; lose a leg, become blind. Case closed.

3899787 Yeah, I was a bit confused by that too.
According to Silver Melodies, it was due to trauma to her brain. She was whipped around and thrown to the ground during her struggle with the Tentocna, and it was too much for her body to handle. Parts of her brain got a little damaged when everything went down, especially the part that controls eye sight. It's still kinda odd, but that was his explanation.

3899884
Well then that's fine, but I think an explanation is in order. Sweetie Belle should have explained a bit...