EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH

(by: CutestPony)
In roughly 2600 words
SPOILERS!!!
(duh...)

1. Y'know, for a story that is obviously going to take place in the human world, there’s a distinct lack of human tags in this story's description.

A young earth human named Sunny Flower

2. Just in case you confused her with a Neptune human.
3. Also, Sunny Flower? What kind of human from Earth has a name like that?

while walking home finds a magic book that gives her the power to summon defeat all evil.

4. Summon defeat all evil? What does that mean? Does it summon evil or defeat evil? Seriously, either ditch one of those words, or add an ‘and’ in between them.

Her friends become curious about her new cutie mark and question her.

5. So the story is giving this human a cutie mark? Question: are cutie marks on humans in the same places as they are on ponies, or is that thing on her arm her new cutie mark? If it’s the arm thing, then her friends would just call it a tattoo, and would probably stop caring about it before the day was over.

Once they find out it's not the end.... It's just the beginning... What's the cost of this glorious power...?

6. Ummm… What? Can someone explain these sentences to me? They don’t make any sense.

What's the cost of this glorious power...?
The answer: Her life, her destiny, and her family.

7. So she’s willing to give up her life, destiny, and family in exchange for this power? In other words, Sunny is the villain? Or am I reading it wrong?

Rated teen for some gore in the future of the story.

8. If it has gore in it, then why doesn’t your story have a gore tag on it? Why tell us when you could just have the tag do the work for you?

It was a warm day in canterlot, it was the end of a school day.

9. Canterlot is not important enough to be capitalized.
10. Also, these two things should probably not be in the same starting sentence, since they aren’t really related. That’s like saying, “It was the middle of summer, it was the opening day of the new Target down the street.”

She was popular, smart, pretty, and kind. Everyone found her attractive, her green hair was always in a side-braid, she always wore a yellow belly shirt with her khaki school coat, and she also had inner beauty.

11. Ok, quite a few things wrong here. First of all, I’m getting a serious Mary Sue vibe from this character.
12. 2nd, she always wore that outfit? Does that mean that she never changed her clothes?
13. 3rd, why would she be wearing a coat on a warm day? Seems pretty useless.
14. 4th, that inner beauty thing seems pretty tacked on, especially since we could guess that she had inner beauty since you already mentioned her being kind literally one sentence ago.
15. And finally, everyone found her attractive? Even other girls? Even her sister? Even her own parents? That seems… creepy.

Her cutie mark was a sunflower.

16. Ok, what? This girl is a human in this story, right? She must be, it said so in the description. So, why is it mentioning her having a cutie mark? Most humans I know don’t have cutie marks.

Even though she was single she had a lot of friends.

17. Missing comma.
18. Also, the way this sentence is structured makes it sound unusual for someone who’s single to have friends.
19. Also, didn’t you already mention this? I seem to recall you saying she was popular a couple sentences back. Why are you stating that fact again?

As she was walking she came across a book.

20. Missing comma again.

It was brown with bright orange letters reading 'PonyPasta' and had a symbol on it.

21. Ok, I don’t know where else to say this, so I’ll just ask it here: What is a PonyPasta? Is it like a creepypasta, or is it a bizzare cookbook of some description? Seriously, can you fill us in on this?
22. Also, is there any particular reason that you won’t describe the symbol on the book at all? If you’re not going to tell us what it looks like, why mention it at all?

"What's this?" She asked.

23. A book. Duh.

She slipped the book in her backpack and continued walking.

24. Yes, just immediately take something you find lying on the ground. Don't see if there was anyone nearby who could've dropped it; just take it right away. Good on ya.

"Can this be a prank?" she thought.

25. Could this be a prank, is what you meant to say.
26. Also, what kind of prank would involve leaving a random book in the middle of nowhere?

"What even is a ponypasta?"

27. Good question.
28. Also, could you please keep it consistent? Either capitalize PonyPasta here, or make it all lowercase in the title.

She kept walking until she reached the convenient store. She walked in and bought a soda. After that she walked home.

29. Pointless detail is pointless.
30. Also, another missing comma (should be after After that.)

Her mom or dad wasn't home, this was usual

31. Mom and Dad
32. Weren’t home
33. As usual. (Ok, if I count all of the grammar errors in this fic, I’m gonna be here forever, so let’s just add all the grammar sins there are in this chapter right now. Ok, assuming that the ratio continues at about 9 errors for every 150 words in this chapter, that means that 9*(1015/150) = 60.9 sins, which we’ll round up to an additional 61 sins.)

She sat down on the couch turned on the TV and watched 'Celebrity Gossip Tonight' Her favorite TV show. She can't watch Celebrity gossip tonight with her little sister, Sunny Shine around. Sunny Shine gets home at 5:00 P.M. when her Mom picks her up from after school daycare. Her Dad gets home at 6:00 P.M. before dinner.

95.

She started to get more curious about the book. She turned the TV off and walked to her room with the book. She sat down at her desk and opened the book.

96. Three sentences in a row ending with the word book.

"Dear chosen one,

97. Book automatically assumes that anyone who looks at it is the chosen one.
98. Also, ‘chosen one’ cliché.

If you are reading this chances are you are the chosen one,

99. Book addresses reader as the chosen one, and then says that maybe said reader is the chosen one in the very next sentence. This is the most wishy-washy ‘chosen one’ prophecy I’ve ever heard!

your job is to summon and defeat all ponypastas.

100. You must defeat all horror stories based on MLP, all because you opened a book! Sucks to be you!
101. Also, what would happen if the ‘chosen one’ decided not to do this? I mean, it’s not like anyone’s forcing her to do this, nor are the ponypastas themselves doing anything to endanger her or her family yet. I never thought I’d say this but… what did the ponypastas ever do to you?

There is a price for this power though,

102. All the more reason to say no to this ridiculous prophecy.

I shall explain this to you once I arrive.
Sincerely, Zecora"

103. How does that work? Does Zecora just instantly teleport to you the second you read those words?
104. Also, Zecora is not rhyming in this letter.

All of a sudden a black and white figure appeared behind Sunny. She slowly approached her.

105. Who approached who? Did Sunny approach the figure, or did the figure approach Sunny?

Sunny looked back and before she could scream It covered her mouth.

106. Why don’t you just say the figure, instead of it? Come to think of it, why are you putting any mystery behind this figure when we already know that it’s Zecora?

"I am Zecora." It said.

107. And I don’t rhyme once. Why? Because there is no need to adhere to canon in this story, I guess.

"Only you can see me, You have the mark."

108. What mark, and more importantly, how does that mark make you visible?

Sunny removed her jacket and looked at her arm. The symbol from the book replaced her cutie mark.

109. Cutie mark is swapped to chosen mark because… Magic.

"This is your new destiny." Zecora interrupted.
"Do I have a choice?" Sunny asked.
"Yes, you do, But It wouldn't be right of you to quit, Sunny Flower."

110. If she has a choice, then why did you say that this was her destiny? Again, really wishy-washy destiny you’ve got going on there.

"I know everyone's name." Zecora said.

111. Zecora is apparently stalking everyone in the entire world.

"Your sister's name is Sunny Shine, Your Mom's name is Bright Star , and your Dad's name is Gold Star."

112. Again, really great human names.
113. Also, the children have different last names then their parents. If this was in the pony world, than that wouldn’t be a problem, but if you’re going to have this be on earth, please follow the rules that earth follows in regards to names.

"What's the cost?" Sunny asked while shaking in fear.
"Your life, destiny, and family." Zecora said.

114. Damn, Zecora, that's a pretty steep cost.

"Let me explain,

115. Zecora's explanation only serves to make the audience even more confused than they already were.

after you've defeated them all you're years will be decreased by 50%,
your family's remaining years will be taken and added to yours, then your friend's years will be added to yours, and I will take all of your years and I will rule the world.

116. ...So, let me see if I understand this correctly: her reward for defeating these MLP creepypastas is that she will first lose half of her life, then she’ll steal the lives of her family and friends to make up what was lost (meaning that they will die!) then Zecora takes all of the years that Sunny has (meaning that Zecora would kill Sunny), and that would somehow allow Zecora to rule the world? Why the f would anyone ever agree to something like that?

Keep in mind if you don't accept this, your sister will have too."

117. Why would her sister have to?
118. Also, the sister’s only purpose in this story is to be a living guilt-trip. Good to know.

Sunny thought about it. She didn't want her sister to face this horrible fate.

119. Umm, guess what Sunny? If I read that right, then no matter which one of you does this, you’ll both end up dying at the hooves of this zebra! How is that a good guilt-trip method?
120. Also, ‘I don’t want her to face death, so I’ll involuntarily kill her so she doesn’t have to face death!’ You’re basically being a living contradiction here.

"Ponypasta 1:
Name: Pinkamena

121. Cupcakes. Plus two sins.

She baked people into cupcakes.
She killed them while making jokes,
She died in sugar cube corner after
having a heart attack after killing someone.

123. Umm, last time I read Cupcakes, Pinkie (or Pinkamena, if you prefer.) was baking ponies into cupcakes, not people. Or is this story implying that Cupcakes was a real event in this world? If that’s what you’re saying, then why the f are you trying to bring a serial killer back from the dead? SHE’S ALREADY DEAD, YOU DON’T NEED TO KILL HER AGAIN!
124. Also, if you’re going to have these be in this stanza style, then at least make them rhyme or something. At least let there be a point to this stanza style.

How to summon:
1.Light a blue candle and turn to page 105.
2.Repeat the words on the page
3.Close the book and blow out the candle"

125. Bizarre summoning process is bizarre. Seems ridiculously arbitrary, even for MLP.

She heard a knock at the door... Sunny Jumped at the sound of the knock, She looked at the door fearfully.

126. Story tries to give a jump scare. Unfortunatly, that’s almost impossible to do in any book, blog, or fanfic.

"Who is it?" She asked.
"It's Sunny Shine!" Her little sister yelled.

127. She was upstairs in her room. How did she not hear her family’s footsteps beforehand? Unless she's deaf, there's no way that she wouldn't have heard them coming in.

"Oh." She opened the door and hugged her mom and little sister.

128. 'Oh' is your response to that, huh? I don’t know, my response in that situation would probably be ‘phew, thank God it’s not a murderous equine’ as opposed to a disappointed sounding ‘oh.’ Then again, that’s just me.

"How was school?" Her mom asked.
"Good." She said. "How about little Shine?"
"It was good big sis!!!!" She yelled.
"Nice." Sunny said. "Do you wanna draw me a pretty picture?"
"Yes!!!!" Shine yelled and ran to her room.

129. More filler.

Sunny walked to her room in relief. "How are you gonna find Pinkamena?" Zecora asked.

130. Wait, where did Zecora come from? She just disappeared a moment ago, and now she’s right back here?
131. Also, why is Zecora asking that? Wouldn’t she be the one who would know that?

"What is the point of defeating a dead person?" Sunny asked.

132. Sunny would be great at Readingsins.

"She's not dead,

133. Yes she is. The book said she is. Or is the book just lying?

Her soul still roams the earth until summoned.

134. Wait a minute, until summoned? Didn’t she already summon her? I believe it said so right here:

How to summon:
1.Light a blue candle and turn to page 105.
2.Repeat the words on the page
3.Close the book and blow out the candle"
She did as the book told her.

See? She already summoned her.

She will continue to kill until you defeat her." Zecora said.

135. How will a disembodied soul do that?

"Read page 209." Zecora answered. She vanished into thin air. Sunny followed her instructions. The page read:
"To defeat a ponypasta,
you must summon the ponypasta's opposite.
find a ponypasta's opposite on page 33."

136. Why would information on how to defeat a ponypasta be so far back in the book (as in long after info on how to summon them?) I would think that would be helpful information if I had accidentally summoned something that wanted to kill me in one of six creative ways!
137. Also, why do you need to summon their opposite? What exactly will that do?
138. Also, this book really has you flipping around a lot. I mean, first you were on page 2, then skip to page 105, then go to page 209, then head back to page 33? This book skips around more than Man of Steel.

"Pinkamena's opposite is Pinkie Pie,

139. Stating the obvious.

To summon pinkie pie you must tear out pinkamena's page,
take it outside, and light it on fire."

140. And make sure to write down the information on how to summon Pinkamena first, or else summoning Pinkie Pie is worthless, since there's no way any human being could remember what Pinkamena's summoning process was after just one read.

All of a sudden a pink goo came out of the ground it grew and grew until it reached it's full form. It was necked but had the figure of a pony,

141. It was necked? What does that mean? Does it mean that this figure has no head?

It stood on 2 hoofs and had hands.

142. It has the figure of a pony, yet it’s standing on two legs and has hands. That’s not very consistent.

Author's Note:
To be continued...
I'm kind of nervous about this.... Kind of? I'M SO FLIPPING NERVOUS!!!!! Well I hope you enjoyed... I feel like it's not good. Is it good?

143. An author’s note probably ain't the best time to express anxiety, CutestPony.
Chapter 2
144. Alright, may as well get the grammar sins for this chapter out of the way. 9*(696/150)=41.76, so +42 sins.

"Shhhhh!!!!" Zecora interrupted.

187. Zecora once again pops in from out of nowhere at complete random.
188. Also, why is she shushing Sunny? Why can’t Pinkie know that she was summoned? What do the characters know that I don’t?

"You what, silly!?" Pinkie asked.
"I found you here." Sunny said.
"Okay!!!!!" Pinkie yelled.

189. Pinkie is being pretty loud here. How come no members of Sunny’s family can hear Pinkie?
190. Also, would Pinkie really buy that? If she was unconscious beforehand, perhaps, but in this case we don’t get any indication of that!

"Do you know a girl named Pinkamena?" Sunny asked.

191. “Yes, that’s my name from the rock farm! So yes, I do know myse… oh wait, you mean the evil one?”

"Hmm... Pinkamena? straight pink hair? " Pinkie mumbled.

192. So, this Pinkie and the Cupcakes one are two different ponies, huh? The only expanation I have here for how this is possible is alternate universes. The ponypasta Pinkie and this Pinkie must be from two seperate...

"I KNOW HER!!!!!" Pinkie screeched.

193. ...Well, that shot a hole in my alternate universe theory.
194. Also, no one in the neighborhood except for Sunny hears that screech.

"Where is she?"
"She is in the old bakery behind sugar cube corner." Pinkie said calmly.

195. How the heck does Pinkie know that? Are the two spiritually connected? Do they both know where the other one is at all times? Or is Pinkie just guessing?

"Sure thing, but keep in mind I hate her." Pinkie said.

196. Umm… thanks for the tip?

"Okay, I will," Sunny said. "Just let me get my book."
"You mean this book?" Zecora said handing Sunny the Ponypasta book.

197. Zecora appears for plot convenience.

"Hey, I know a Zecora!!!!" Pinkie Yelled. "She is a zebra, great at magic, and smart!!!!!"

198. Um, she’s great at making magical brews and such, sure, but I don’t think she’s capable of magic directly. In other words, no, she’s not good at magic. But hey, two out of three ain’t bad.

"Well let's go pinkie we have a lot to do." Sunny said while walking.
"Okay!!!!!" Pinkie followed.
Sunny stopped at the abandon bakery.

199. Apparently, either the route to this bakery wass abandoned, or pastel colored ponies on two legs with hands are commonplace in this world, since they can apparently get there without a hitch.

"Wood doesn't age where I'm from." Pinkie said.

200. Thanks for the detail. It really comes in handy for… something.

"When you see Pinkamena read page 504 out loud." Zecora whispered in Sunny's ear.

201. Ok, two things. First of all, the book on the cover doesn’t look even close to thick enough to be over 500 pages long.
202. Second, how does Zecora know what page to turn to for every freaking situation? Do you really expect me to believe that she memorized every detail of a 500+ page book?

"HELP HELP!!!!!" Someone yelled, It came from the basement.
"SHUT UP BEFORE I CUT YOU'RE TONGUE OUT!!!!!" A girl yelled.

203. Y’know, I would think Pinkamena wouldn’t yell when she’s about to cut someone to ribbons. I would think that she would try to keep quiet so she doesn’t attract attention. Then again, I would also think that a chapter with only a thousand words wouldn’t need much filler, and look where that got me.

"It's coming from the basement!!!!!" Pinkie yelled.

204. It already said that it was coming from the basement only two sentences ago! You don't need to repeat the obvious!

Pinkie pie held Pinkamena against a wall.

205. And Pinkamena stabbed Pinkie with the knife. At least, that’s what would happen if Pinkamena had any common sense here.

"What the heck is going on!!!!" Pinkamena yelled.
"Your bitter end!!!!" Pinkie yelled. "Sunny cast the spell!!!"

206. Multiple explanation points!!!!!!

Pinkamena grimaced and threw the knife at Sunny's head and missed. Pinkie tackled Pinkamena

207. Wait, Pinkie tackled her? Pinkie was already holding Pinkamena against the wall just a moment ago! For that to happen, Pinkie would’ve had to let go, let Pinkamena get away from the wall, and then tackle her! That doesn’t make sense!

and yelled. "DON'T DO THAT!!!!"

208. Because you’re totally going to listen to me if I yell!

"With the power of Celesta, Luna, and Twilight I banish you to Tartarus!!!!!" Sunny read out loud.

209. Cadence is now the 4th wheel.
210. Also, I know I said I wouldn’t bring up grammar errors, but when you misspell someone’s name, I have to bring it up. Who is Celesta? It’s spelled Celestia! With an ‘i’!

A green mist surrounded the evil girl as she tried to stab Pinkie.

211. Stab her with what? Did the knife that she threw at Sunny just teleport back to her, or does Pinkamena just always carry multiple knives with her at all times?

"I'm too young to die!!!! I'm only twelve!!!!" She yelled.

212. Yeah right. Pinkie Pie/Pinkamena (and the rest of the main 6 and their evil doubles) have to be, at the very earliest, in their late teenage years. Twelve would be the age for a member of the CMC, not the main 6!

Pinkamena cleared up her tears and stared at her wondering "How can an earth human have magic?"

213. An earth human? Why are you referring to her by her planet and her species? Wait… do you mean like earth human, as in earth pony? If that’s the case, then where are the unicorn humans and pegasus humans? I wanna see those humans, please!

The boy looked at Sunny. "H-h-how can you do this?" He asked.
"I'm the chosen one." Sunny said.
"What?" The boy asked.
"I was chosen to defeat evil." Sunny said.
"I've seen you at school but never heard your name..." The boy said.

214. And Arrow quickly shrugs this revelation off, and acts like it’s no big deal. Ok…
215. Also, how is that possible? I mean, your intro made her seem like she was the most popular girl in school! If this guy went to her school, I would assume that he would’ve heard her name being mentioned at some point!

"My name is Arrow." The boy said.
"Interesting name..." Sunny said.

216. You’re one to talk.

Sunny looked down at Pinkamena who was breathing her last breaths. "Quit flirting and save me." She yelled then disapeared.

217. Why on earth would she save you? She already damned you to hell! Do you think she’ll just suddenly go, “Oh wait, never mind, I don’t want you gone!”

"Thanks for saving me." He said then kissed Sunny's forehead.

218. How Gary Stu met Mary Sue.

Author's Note:

219. 9 lines worth of blank space after the chapter ends.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SIN COUNT: 219
SENTENCE:
Pony Creepypastas (All of them, all at once)
Story Here

This is my 3rd attempt trying to upload this review, thanks to this stupid 500 error that appears for me every 10 seconds. There may be an error here and there because of that, so please let me know after Fimfiction stops being so buggy, and I'll try to fix it. Cheers

3735937

(Current) SIN COUNT: 219
SENTENCE:
Pony Creepypastas (All of them, all at once!)
Story Here

Your tags are seriously messed up.

3736205 Alright, I'll see if I can fix that then.
Update: fixed.

3735928

100. You must defeat all horror stories based on MLP, all because you opened a book! Sucks to be you!

I will never open a book again.

3735928

"Dear chosen one,

If you are reading this chances are you are the chosen one,

Pretty nice review anyhow, friend.

Ok, I think I got all the errors fixed in this review. Quotes added, links embeded, all fixed... I think.
3736276 Charles Spratt. Preventing people from opening books since... Well, since 2014, I guess.
3743580 Why thank you, Ali.

3735928 Note: this story is no longer viewable on Fimfiction. It was deleted by the author a few minutes ago. So if you're wondering why the link doesn't work, that's probably the reason. Cheers

3844533 :[