Everyting Wrong With:

Slim Pickings by Ocalhoun

(Spoilers)
(Duh.)

Twilight could hardly keep her pace to a trot as she rushed through the long palace hallway. She'd been yearning to say it for days, and now was the perfect opportunity. It took all her will to not just shout it out. She took deep breaths, attempting to calm herself. She was a princess – she needed to show proper decorum.

And you showed little to no decorum as a Princess when you wolfed down all those poor burgers and fries.
*(ding)* (1)

The royal guard in front of the door stepped aside with a bow, and the golden door opened from the inside.

I'm pretty sure that at least Mr. Author has to point out whether or not the doors open outwards or inwards.
*(ding)* (2)

“Well, actually...” Twilight didn't want to sit just yet. She wasn't sure she could sit still and relax, not until she told them the news. “Actually, I have something to tell you. To tell you all.”

I'm Pregnant!
(yes that's a sin now)
*(ding)* (3)

“This is most fortuitous news!” Luna rose from her pillows. “I knew Blueblood would find a match some day!” She shot a smug grin to her older sister. “Our bet?”

Luna, actually thought that Blueblood the one who all Bronies and Pegasisters hate with so much force that it would make an Ursa Major wet itself, would find a match within the span of his lifetime, she's crazier than we all thought.
*(ding)* x 5 (15)

What? Twilight stared at her.

My thought exactly.
*(ding)* (16)

Fighting an inexplicable urge to step back, to run, Twilight glanced side to side. Her brother and sister-in-law still stared at her. “Well, I've gotten engaged to Rainbow Dash.”

Of course it had to be our friendly polychromatic mare, author I am dissapoint

*(ding)* x2 for cliche (32)

“Twilight,” Celestia said, “did you read that book about royal customs and duties I sent you?”

Of course there would be a book about that, she lived with the princesses for almost twenty years, she had to pick up something!

*(ding)* (33)

Celestia ignored her sister. “Twilight, according to Equestrian law, a princess can only marry a prince.”

Law convinient for the plot is convinient.

*(34)*

“But...” That couldn't possibly be right. Because... “But Shining Armor wasn't a prince when Princess Cadance married him!” Twilight could feel Cadance's wince.

Exactly!

*(ding)* (35)

“I'm sorry, Twilight. According to the terms of the treaty, I didn't technically become a princess until after I married. They wrote that in because I was so young when I came.”

How so? and also convinient loophole is convinient.

*(ding)**(ding)* (37)

“So–” Celestia bit her lip “–there is only one pony in Equestria you could legally marry.”
Twilight's mental wheels kept spinning. They gained some traction now, but she didn't like the direction they were going.
The golden door opened again. “You called?” Prince Blueblood stood in the doorway, posing dramatically with a raised eyebrow. His mane waved in an inexplicable wind.

And you had to do this why?

*(ding)* (38)

His eyes narrowed in return. “I have as much right to the royal lounge as any other royalty.”

actually no, you're a scumbag

*(ding)* (39)

Celestia winced again. “Right.” She glanced around, but apparently, nopony else felt like explaining it. “Well, you see, it's ah...”
“A princess does not fully inherit her throne – by Equestrian law – until she marries.” Luna kept staring at the door.
Those spinning wheels froze, locked in place. “No no no no. That is not happening.”

the conviniency! It's everywhere!

*(ding)* (40)

“Twilight, please.” Celestia finally rose. “The law hasn't changed for tens of thousands of years. We can't change it. Please, just go along with it. It isn't so bad... and there is no urgency. You could easily wait until Blueblood is much older, so you need not spend so much time with him. Believe me, in a thousand years or so, this will be nothing.”

Yes, you can. You, Celestia are an Inmortal Sun Godess that moves literally a giant ball of boiling plasma tens of thousands of kilometers away.

*(ding)* X 7 (280)
i think i broke it, New one, please

The four royal ponies stared at the spot Twilight had vanished from. One by one, their ability to hold back laughter gave way to snorts and chuckles.
“I do believe she actually fell for it,” Luna said with a grin.
Celestia took a moment to calm herself. “I hope she doesn't take it too seriously. She has been known to...”
“Break down into a psychotic episode and threaten the survival of Equestria with a misguided spell?” Shining Armor glanced back at the small scorch mark on the floor.
“I'm sure she'll be fine.” Cadance winced. “She's a very smart pony. She'll figure it out. And besides, the first solution she'll think of is reading. She'll look in that book and find out there's no such law.”
Blueblood burst in through the golden door. “So, how did it go?”
All four of them whirled to face him. “Out!” they all shouted.
“But...”
“The outcome of our joke does not affect the validity of your restraining order, Prince Blueblood.” Celestia gave him a stern glare.
He rolled his eyes. “Fine.” With another slam of the door, he was gone.
Celestia looked back to the others. “I'm certain Twilight will realize what happened soon, but perhaps we should travel to Ponyville... just in case.”
“Just in case Twilight decides to overthrow the government of Equestria and write her own marriage laws?” Cadance raised an eyebrow.
Celestia allowed herself a little grin in the corner of her mouth. “Something like that.”

this entire scene counts for 1 sin per sentence so.. 19 sins, now i'll multiply it by 5 since five royals were involved in thin and that leaves us wiiiith... 95 sins

*(ding)* (375)

Sin Tally: 375
Sentence: -----

BONUS ROUND FOR EVERY LETTER THAT BLUEBLOOD SPOKE!!!

You called

+9 (384)

I have as much right to the royal lounge as any other royalty

+48 (432)

Fine, fine

+8 (440)

See you around, future wife

+22 (462)

So, how did it go

+12 (474)

But

+3 (477)

Fine

+4 (481)

Total Sin Tally: 481
Sentence: Date Blueblood
Repietedly
Forever

\

Total Sin Tally: 481
Sentence: Date Blueblood
Repietedly
Forever

Repietedly is misspelled. It should be Repeatedly. (*ding*)
Me being a grammar nazi aside, this was a pretty good one. My only complaint was multipliers were used a bit too frequently. It's not even close to being unbearable, but it's still a bit too frequent when compared to the number of times a multiplier was not used. Aside from that, good going. Cheers

3649160
3649073

Everyting Wrong With:

(*ding*)

Law convinient for the plot is convinient.

(*ding*)
(*ding*)

How so? and also convinient loophole is convinient.

(*ding*)(*ding*)(6)

the conviniency! It's everywhere!

The misspelling! It's everywhere!
(*ding*)(7)

now i'll multiply it by 5 since five royals were involved in thin

This
(*ding*)(8)

Excessive use of multipliers.
(*ding*)x10 (80)

Reviewer sin count: 80
Sentence: Reviewing this Story
Repeatedly
Forever.

3649073 This review's errors in reviewing (please see review sin list for the things): *(ding!)* +9000
Oh, wait, there's no review sins list? Damn. *(ding!)*

Total Sins: 9001 (It's over 9000!)
Sentence: Bad Dragon advertisements.
Every day.
Forever.

3651358 how about my review? A perfect example.

3649073

How did I not know about this?

3654057 of everything bad you can do, I mean.