Everything Wrong
With
"The Tunnel"
(by Kanzlerin Maud)

in 1600 words or less

Spoilers!!

(duh)

______________________________________________________

She shivered, holding the candle a few inches closer to her.

I know that Fluttershy is the only character which is tagged in this fic, but immediately starting the story using a pronoun is questionable. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 1

Also, it's revealed later that she had the candle in her mouth all along, so how does she hold the candle a few inches closer with her teeth? Angle it down or something? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 2

She shivered again, wishing she had worn more protective clothing.

You know, as opposed to the usual amount of protective clothing that Fluttershy wears. Which is to say, none. And if she was using some special attire for this particular expedition, which would explain out this sentence, it is never mentioned. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 3

Flight was not an option, faulted to the thick clouds hovering over the even thicker treetops of the Everfree.

If she's already inside the Everfree Forest, she shouldn't be able to say how thick the clouds are. And if she's not inside yet, her current position is way too vaguely described and deserves a sin anyway. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 4

Eyes down, and forward.

Derpshy. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 5

The brown path turned green, and she felt the cushiony displacement of moss—no good.

Fluttershy is looking down to the ground at an angle at this point, yet the feel of moss is what alerts her of straying off the path, and not the sight of it. A lot of good that looking down is doing. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 6

Stick to the path.

*(ding!)*
Sin Tally: 7

A bird’s crowing echoed throughout the forest. Fluttershy stopped, listening. Nothing more. False alarm. She continued.

Of course that Fluttershy, having been scared by things like her own shadow in the past, would absolutely not mind a sudden bird crow while walking down the darkest and most dangerous place around Ponyville. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 8

Rare flowers that only bloomed at midnight were the reason Fluttershy braved this trek.

"Rare-flower-that-only-blooms-at-a-certain-time-or-hour" cliché. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 9

The glow they emit when bloomed, in ideal conditions, can be seen for a mile.

So "only bloomed at midnight" wasn't enough of an ideal condition for it? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 10

But the flowers only grew in the deepest part of the forest, hidden in absolute darkness.

The ideal place for a plant with an excessively bright glow to live peacefully and undisturbed. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 11

But she knew exactly where they were, and how to reach the spot where they grew. She had been making regular trips to gather both the pollen and the nectar from these flowers for years, now.

When did she learn of the existance of these flowers? She has been going after them for a while, but when did it all start? I hardly think a younger Fluttershy would be strolling down the Everfree picking up daisies amongst all the timber wolves and just happened to come across them. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 12

The pollen, which supposedly carried hallucinogenic properties, was useful as an anesthetic, while the nectar saw employ as an antivenin—counteracting ill effects from snake bites and Manticore stings alike.

And how did you discover these properties again? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 13
Also, I assume Fluttershy uses that pollen as painkiller for any wounded animals, but it must come in such small doses if the plant is actually rare, like it was implied before. What if a cow or an elephant or another big animal is in pain? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 14

It was still dark. And still cold.

That's weird. I expected the Everfree to turn into a cozy playground halfway through. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 15

The night was late,

Luna is being lazy even when she isn't in the fanfic. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 16
Come to think of it, the name of the flower is Luna chrysanthemum. Is the author just making fun of the audience by their constant referencing of Luna now, or is this just a coincidence? ... I'll add a sin just to be safe. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 17

Perhaps she was nearing the cave where the Luna chrysanthemum bloomed. It was odd, though; the smell was not usually this strong, unless she was very close.

Intriguing. I want to see what comes out of that. So make sure to never directly explain why that happens. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 18

She mentally sighed.

Mentally sighing. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 19

Fluttershy stepped into the cave. Pacing herself. Watching the ground for any changes in footing, and looking ahead to check for any sudden obstacles.

You know, you're a Pegasus. If you're apprehensive about stumbling, you can always just hover slightly above the ground and inch your way forward. I mean, if it was a small enough cave that you wouldn't be able to do that, you'd actually see that with the light of the candle instead of only noticing being in a cave when the ground changed, right? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 20

She was extremely careful to watch where she was going.

Sure, if you mean "feel where she was going". Her eyes might as well not be there: she has barely perceived anything of importance with them this whole fic. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 21

She didn’t trouble herself with details, though.

So what was up with being "extremely careful to watch where she was going"? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 22

By now, the cave made a slight rightwards turn, still descending slightly as it went.

Two "slights", too fast. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 23

Somehow getting impossibly darker and thicker they further she traveled.

Scared of the dark, Fluttershy?

Pretty dark down there.

I was having my doubts before, folks, but now I think it's safe to say that it's sort of dark up there. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 24

“That’s ridiculous,” she grumbled inaudibly. “This cave is empty.”

No, it's not. I'm sure there's a Fluttershy there somewhere. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 25

Look at that, guys. Fluttershy is scared of the dark!

Hah! What a wimp! Can you BELIEVE that we used to hang out with her?

This fic is a d*ck to people who are afraid of the dark. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 26

“I’m not scared,” the pegasus whimpered defiantly,

Call me stupid, but I'm not sure I'd know how someone can whimper defiantly. Whimpering is a pretty subdue action as it is. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 27

She felt like she was stepping lower and lower into the heart of the Everfree; a place colder, darker, and more hostile than any place she had ever been before.

It's a good thing that Fluttershy never visited the human world. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 28

Fluttershy shook her head again, and clenched her eyes shut. “Stop it!” she said; louder now, tensing up.

She's doing all of that and the candle doesn't go out? Earlier, it almost went out from her sighing! Waiting to have it go out when she yells and drops it is just done to add dramatic effect. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 29

This really is sad. She can’t even own up to her mistakes. She won’t admit how much she ruined us.

Yeah, all of her.... non-talking and... non-flying and... being scared sure.... ruined us... *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 30

And she was finally consumed in darkness.

So we've basically been playing this.

*(ding!)*
Sin Tally: 31

She took a tentative step forward, and stumbled almost immediately.

Oh. Well, I guess the candle was working a bit if she stumbles immediately without it. But the story didn't pass that idea through at all, so. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 32

Out of the thick, impassable darkness, a light finally emerged.

I guess it wasn't so impassable, then. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 33

She shuffled closer to the light; the one that beckoned, and called out to her.

Your leg is hurt! Why aren't you flying now, at least? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 34

You don’t deserve to be my friend.

This voice has been annoying Fluttershy all the way through the fic. I don't think Fluttershy would want to befriend it even if she "deserved" it. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 35

The shadow gained definition, revealing its true form to the mare before it.

But not for the audience. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 36

She was alone, in her bedroom.

It was… a dream? A nightmare?

"It-was-all-a-dream" cliché. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 37

Fluttershy lifted herself out of bed, and rubbed her eyes. She felt warm under the covers; safe, cozy.

Wait, if she went out of bed, how come she's still warm under the covers? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 38

Someday, she promised herself, I will be stronger. I won’t be a scaredy-cat. I won’t cry. I won’t give up. I will face my fears. If not for me, then for my friends.

No sins found in this scene. This is gold.

As she climbed out of her bed and left the bedroom,

So she left her bed again? *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 39

The light at the end of her tunnel.

Plot twist: this is all an analogy for Fluttershy's death and coming-to-terms with herself before passing on. *(ding!)*

Sin Tally: 40

______________________________________________________

Fanfic Sin Tally: 40
Sentence: Arrested for ownership of hallucinogenic pollen (Equestria's new drug)

3560948
Wow, someone actually did it. Yay!

It also amuses me that this is, so far, the only review/commentary I've ever gotten for that story. Likes and dislikes can only explain so much, people.

(thank you, btw)

3565048

Heh, no problem! I really liked this story of yours, by the way, and in retrospect, maybe I should have left a normal review of it too...

But I was already reading it for the sake of trying this style of review out, so I got caught up in it. These are really fun to write.

Still, this story has a lot of merit by itself. I like this sort of writing, with a simple enough narrative and character study interwined. I should be the one thanking you for the opportunity to review it, then. ^^

3565434
Thanks! And you're welcome, in addition. Heh, apart from those silly little errors and nits you've managed to pick, I always did sort of like this story. I say "sort of" because I believe it could have been a lot more than it was, but, I wasn't really able to take full advantage of the idea I had in my head, originally. But, alas... Such is the crux all writers must bear.

Oh, and thank you for the follow, by the way. It's much appreciated.