Long Term Effects Of Abuse

Today I'm feeling pretty depressed and like I'd just not like to be on planet earth anymore.

I won't go into too many details but I was severely abused at home, most of my jobs, and most levels of school.

One example is I was held down and burned by classmates because they thought I deserved it for having disabilities, I was treated a lot worse but that's just one example.

At home I'd be severely abused, I wouldn't be allowed to eat more than I was told to or I would get abused, basically I was controlled to the point where I wasn't even allowed to think for myself.

I had relatives who would poison my food and basically my whole family situation was really messed up in general.

It kind of taught me from a young age that I have no value and I should just disappear since I'm even unwanted by my family.

This caused me to have some social limitations and I've never been able to communicate with people properly because I was basically locked away in my house with little human contact until my early twenties.

So recently I encountered some things where I guess I didn't understand what I was doing was wrong because of social limitations due to abuse and some other disabilities and it caused me to lose a lot of friends but I didn't even realize that anything I was doing was wrong and no one really explained it well.

I think because of abuse it's hard for me to not remember things because they get stuck in my mind and replayed over and over due to PTSD. So whenever something bad happens whether it was in the past or now I keep reliving it over and over. It's sometimes very hard to live with and some days I can't function because of it.

A lot of bad things have happened to me recently and the memories keep playing over and over in my mind and they won't go away so I'm constantly in torture. Sometimes I wish all of the pain could just end.

So anyway today I'm just kind of feeling that maybe it's better that I'm not here anymore because it kind of feels like I'll always be messed up for life or never understood by anyone.

Abuse really sucks and I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through it because you are never really okay even years later.

Anyway thank you for taking the time to read this. I just needed to get some things off my chest. I hope everyone is continuing to stay safe out there.

Hey. You stay safe, too.