Read through all of this, though, once I saw a pattern, I started to skim through the final chapters.

Linkedy Link: Shadows and Watchers by Dagger of Winter

First Impressions

An Abyss Watcher’s soul is torn from the whole, sent flying through reality upon the event of a Great Betrayal.

Finding himself within an entirely new world, he discovers a new purpose under the guidance of the moon, charged with the protection of her subjects. It is something to hold onto, to resist the Undead Curse for at least a little while longer.

However, a darkness rises again in the Frozen North, seeping into all that is good. The old king of Shadow, Sombra, will challenge the Watcher’s newfound connection with this world and its princesses.

What is a 'Great Betrayal'?
What is an Abyss Watcher?
I assume I'd know these things if I knew Dark Souls 3, but they instantly make me want to swerve having no understanding of the premise.
Other than that, I'd say that the final sentence is probably the strongest in this synopsis. It tells us what's happening, and I'd be more interested in this 'Darkness' than anything else. Surely that's the story, right?

Tags: Adventure, Human, Crossover, Sad. Not my favourite tags personally, but the human/crossover obviously makes a lot of sense for this context (or.. does it? Maybe they count us undead, I dunno). Adventure is always good when done right, and sad probably makes sense for what appears to be a pretty dark game? Although I'd definetly go for the 'dark' tag preferably.

The cover art's 'aight.... but it doesn't appear to tell me anything. Maybe that's an abyss watcher? In which case, I'm expecting plenty of fire.
I kind of doubt it though, since I can only assume this picture was ripped off the internet, rather than an original piece being created.

One point to say going into the story, as this is the first impression bit. I enjoyed the starting expo, weirdly enough.... up to a point. It was by the 2nd-to last paragraph, I think, that I started getting bored. So close!
(These are literally my notes as I was reading:

i assume i will never get an explanation of the linking of the fire

i think i understood one of these paragraphs

tbh, it's alright so far

okay, this is getting boring now

like, it was alright expo at the start, but i'm bored now

okay, well that's not that bad. I was bored about 2 paragraphs til the end, so it
wasn't too far that i stopped caring

)

I'd say make sure that these sorts of opening expo are a bit shorter, so that we never get close to the threshold. Gotta get straight into the action, right?

Plot

Ah, yeah... action.

Chapter one is... an introduction to the area. We're in a prison, and some ponies talk to this dude. That's... about it. They close it up, he's left alone. Next chapter.

..The exact same thing, for the first half. Second half was done from someone else's perspective, in a different person (went from 1st to 3rd) which I'm personally not a fan of. However, listening to the ponies is a lot more interesting than being back in that cell.

Next chapter. The same bloody thing.

By chapter 5 we get out of the cell, finally, but that's about 10,000 words of being stuck in isolation, with nothing really happening. The issue is, that once we progress to the other chapters... nothing really happens either.
Where's the darkness and Sombra and all that crap? I went through all the current chapters, up to 14 (I know it's now 15, but current when I was reading it) and it was all talk!

Celestia was hungry, eager for some sort of lunch. She had attended her duties the entire morning, and intended for some rest and relaxation. She had stopped, however, when she noticed Luna’s abrupt arrival in the dining hall, accompanied by the creature that, for some reason, her sister adored so much. Noticeably, the “Undead” was shaken and, if a bit, frightened by the entire ordeal of teleportation, but soon had sparked a conversation between himself and Luna. Celestia could not help but sit and listen – she was curious!

Why is this in this story? Isn't this supposed to be a sad adventure? Isn't this bloke supposed to be some kind of legendary fighter, or something, and he's running around being frightened while Celestia is eating cake?

Well, with the introduction of Grizzly Days, that's three out of four OCs seen so far that will be central to the story. We've had Silver Steelhooves, Lily Pad, and Grizzly Days.

^ The issue with this, is... we're about 33k words in.
How has the story not started at 33k words in?

Don't get me wrong, I read LOTR, and that doesn't get out of the shire for around about the same time... but stuff happens. We get character introductions, little storylines, hints of the main story to keep the reader interested.

Over here, we're getting a very long character introduction with our MC. Most of it is him talking about stuff that is normal to him, or something that isn't normal to him but normal to ponies, from my understanding.

I don't really care. At the end of the day, I want us to go over to the frozen north, be sad, save the day (I assume since it isn't a tragedy).

Conclusion

Grammar is good. I don't think I spotted any errors.

As I said in the first impressions bit, the expo is pretty good too... at the start. When it happens for too long though, you start to feel if there's anything after the expo.

If we got out of the cell by the first, or maybe second chapter, I'd be a bit more interested. If we got out and did some adventuring by chapter 5-ish, this would really get to the point of the story.

But getting to the 14th chapter, and still no really major things having been brought up, no real twists or anything... the pacing is just too slow for me. Get into the thick of it! Show us what the synopsis was talking about with that last sentence.

I'd also say that I think a total 3rd-person telling, or 1st person but having it be another pony, like Luna, would have served the story better. This undead dude, or whatever he is... he's not really interesting to listen to, but as a character being looked at from the outside, he's actually rather mysterious. He doesn't fit in with everyone else at all, and therefore... wouldn't it be better to think what he's thinking, rather than knowing? With that uncertainty, readers would not know whether to trust him, and that would add an extra layer of depth.

As it is though, we'd need some major rehauling to get into the story. It has something there, I think, it's just it needs to get there.

32/100 Needs Work

Did you agree/disagree with my review? Post down below, I might have missed something out.

I've been away at a gamejam for a bit this week, but having finished it now, I'm ready to get a better start on those other fics from the old folder. My plan is to get through them, then focus on my own folder. The new system should be pretty fun!

When I read it I understood what was happening since I study dark souls lore, and other things, so for those that have no idea what anything is this story probably isn't for you. Also it has almost no adventure and is more calm and settled with almost no action, and no sadness. I like the story, but I like it for a different reason then I initially thought when going into it.

5748427 So, it was really more of a tag issue, then?

5748528 not entirely, but yes that is a part of it. The tags were put there for a reason I'm sure so probably much later those elements will actually be a part of the story. I know one that does this and does it well, so I don't have a problem with this at the moment. Only time will tell.