3097870 No harm done, I admit grammar is my biggest weakness...well, aside from my tendency to make overly wordy paragraphs that is. But hey, that's what we agreed on, right? Covering each other's weaknesses?

p.s:Feel free to edit anything else about the chapter I worked on.

p.s.s: This part is bugging the hell out of me:
'You don't know shit about me bitch, and I am definitely NOTHING like you!' The unicorn with the blue/white striped mane thought in the bliss that not being connected with the Khala began to become to her, as she replied, showing no visible reaction to her boss's words. "If you say so ma'am."

Can you explain what you're trying to say?

3099747 That not being connected with the Khala has become a bliss for her, and that she didn't externally react in any way to the stuff Amaka said as she(Erina) replied to the stuff Amaka said. I checked it with my english teacher - the grammar and stuff of that part is correct.

3102470 Oh, then it's a good thing I didn't change it then. I've edited certain parts to make them less repetitive while adding some detail to a few scenes. You can choose to keep them or not during the final edit. I've also changed the quotation marks to the curly kind as well.

Also, how do you like the title 'Duty and Desire' for chapter 52? I still can't come up with one for 51 though

3102598 That's a very neat name for it. As for your chapter, how does - Cold And Questionably Sweet - sound?

3102921 Hmm, that sounds good but it doesn't sound fitting, but it'll do as a placeholder until we can come up with something more suitable when we're doing writing a few more chapters.

Anyways, I'm almost done with the Cadia segment for your chapter but I'd like your input on it before I continue. Here's the link: Reckless Rainbow(Placeholder)

3102984 I like what you've done. Just the minor grammar and spelling mistakes, which I will finish. So this thing and my stuff will be chapter 52, or are you adding more to it?

Oh, I got a name for 51: Ice Cream Time (because vengense is ice cream =w=)

3103155 It's gonna be in the middle of chapter 52, between the Radiance's arrival at the station and Starsong's meeting with Amaka and Erina. There isn't that much more to add really, just a few hundred more words or so, then some trimming before slotting it in.

I intend to make readers think on what might happen with the Cadia arc before we have Rain Sight come in on Tom to stop Rainbow on chapter 53. Rainbow intends to fire but Scootaloo comes flying at her in her Reaper suit, and they pretty much convince her from making a fatal mistake. After that, we can have them flying over the 'arena' which really was just an open field. Rain asks if they could go pick up Karn's body. She finds his body still intact. Maybe have her hold her father and cry a little before an Ursalisk roar and attack her.

Here, we can either have two paths.
1. Undiscovered ability: She tries to defend herself but her weapon (pistol) does squat against it, she is saved when she accidentally activates Karn's warp blade just as the zerg pounces her. More ursalisks arrive but Rainbow and Scootaloo drive them off.

2. Old friend: Pistol is crap, but instead of activating the warp blades, someone stops it with a sniper shot to the head, killing the zerg before it got close. A guy in power armor walks up to her and opens up his visor, revealing Eye Glass.

personally, I prefer the first one, but we could mash both together if ya want.

As for what happens on chapter 54, they'll be stuck on Cadia for a while so we can do a timeskip to where Shining has recovered enough to give a speech, giving the sad news, confirming that Cadence is dead, followed by propaganda which is shown on TV at the hotel where Apple Bloom is busy making a new computer to replace the one Twilight confiscated. We know Twilight will probably take Apple Bloom and make her the scapegoat for the Diamond Dog's assault, giving her more incentive to finish the computer so they can leave Cadia.

Scene skip to Rain Sight and Rainbow doing some 'shopping' for supplies before they end up where the Iron Will is. Figuring that they could score some military grade parts for Apple Bloom, Rain Sight pulls her new rank and they get a free pass to go in and get the stuff.

*snort* Sounds like a title more suitable for a Pinkie Pie chapter, thanks for the laugh

3103271 Let's have Scoots fly in front of Dash with the: Is this what Jet would have wanted?!

Yeah, there isn't anything called an ursalisk in the zerg unit list. We can have and ultralisk and a small pack of zerglings, or 2-3 pigalisks(mini-ultralisks, with heavy armor) attack them. In case 1 - lings are taken care by Undiscovered ability when gun jams and pals, and ultralisk by Old Friend. Or in case 2 - 1 pigalisk is taken care by Undiscovered Ability and the other two - Old Friend. We definitely need the two together.

If we have Twilight too busy to check the reports that Rain did that with the tech swap it can work.

Glad I did.

3103324 Actually, the ursalisk is an original zerg from Unholy's story. Unholy stated in KS Faction database that they're the Ursadons native to Braxis which were assimilated by the zerg due to their resistance to the cold. And while I would love an ultralisk or a pigalisk joining the fight, I want the fight to be winnable (and survivable) for our heroines.Two Reapers, an unarmed pony(I want the warp blade to activate at a critical moment), and a sniper ain't gonna scratch an ultralisk.

I think the ursalisks are the dominant zerg strain on Cadia, leaving many of the other zerg types out in the cold...er pun unintended.

3103779 Oh, well in that case disregard my previous reply.

3008467
3095235 Ok, the Duty and Desire chapter is fully edited, gramatically and other stuff. Oh and I fixed that bliss-khala-part, because it was a bit hard to understand, so I simplified it. If it is done, when I have time I will do the same for the other chapter as well.

3111334
3008467
I looked at it again and I find the bliss part even more confusing to me. I' not saying that you're wrong or anything but maybe you should throw away 'bliss' and change it to something like this

'You don't know anything about me you whore, and I am definitely NOTHING like you!' Erina thought while taking comfort of not being connected with the Khala, which had become a refuge for her innermost thoughts, as she replied, showing reaction to her superior's words. "If you say so ma'am."

I know they're not the protoss but I feel that the khalai are unlikely to use terran swear words since they're rarely exposed to the Dominion's way of life....speaking of swear words, did the Protoss ever have any?

3111436 Ok, that does seem quite more plausible, will edit it in.

Well, in their culture: coward, traitor, heretic and overall that bunch were the highest of insults(aka swear words). They were just smart enough to grow over that. Because next to the protoss terrans are like kids.

They take after protoss culture, but they are not protoss, they are ponies and as such still retain some of their traits.

3111707 I understand that the new khalai aren't protoss. What I'm referring to is that the average khalai pony probably won't understand most slang or even terran swear words since they were raised in an environment free of such things... for the most part.

Come to think of it, I just realized that each faction has a unique trait or two, some more obvious than others.
Khalai are straightforward and honest to a fault.
Kel-Morians are greedy opportunists.
Umojans are fanatical cultists that would continue fighting even after death.
Confederates are hardcore militarists with the nobility being stuck up snobs.
Imperials are...hmm, not sure what to label them as.

Anyways, enough with my silly trivia, do you think we should keep alternating with Starsong's story and the CMC's each chapter? If so, how many chapters before we revert to one party chapters?

3111804 Well I think we should make the third chapter about a third party. Maybe look at Lyra and Skyfall, possibly Twilight ordering around long distance the re-decoration of DI since she is being given the boss role there. Hmm... What other parties did we have going?

3111839 Well, I doubt Twilight will get the promotion that quickly since she hasn't even sent the ghostwritten letter yet. But we could have a brief scene with her leaving the hospital before calling Spike to pick her up somewhere discreet. Where she goes from there...not too sure.

I think we'll leave Lyra and Skyfall alone until we reach the part where Rylus' blockade stops them at the border. We can just say that they've been on the run from Starsong ever since they caused his ship to go haywire.

I don't think we have any other parties going on, most of them pretty much converged into the CMC's group, leaving Starsong the only other party aside from Twilight, Shining Armor and their folks. I guess chapter 3 will have to be a Cadia segment.

Care to try your hand at writing Twilight's segment? Or should I just leave you to the editing of Cold and Questionably Sweet?

3111913 Hmm, well Twilight already had her promotion in motion(lols ) with Karn's capture. By now I think she should have gotten some word. But for now, finish up Cold and Questionably Sweet so I can edit it, until then I will try the Twilight segment. But the question, when will we have it? After Dash and company are back from not killing Twiles's parents?

3112055 Actually, chapter 51 is already finished, but feel free to add or remove parts at your discretion.

As for Twilight's promotion, the letter, which has yet to be sent by the way, was written in Shining's name. The main purpose of the letter is to discredit Hawken and make Twilight look good to the Emperor. So we can have Twilight get the promotion prior to Shining Armor's speech to the people of Cadia in maybe the fourth or fifth chapter. It can go something like this:

"...and here to help us in our time of need, the Emperor has sent his newly appointed Lord Admiral here to find and bring these monsters to justice. People of Cadia, I present to you, Lord Admiral Sparkle."

Or something along those lines.

And Hawken, disgraced as he is(or will be) still has a few agents loyal to him, Lyra and Skyfall among them. Which he will send to on an extended mission to locate and infiltrate a facility detailed in a file he managed to obtain from Twilight's personal archive. They'll only have access to whatever equipment they have at hoof, one of which, is a mind-controlled Seeker.

3112144 Okay. You've convinced me. OK, this is what I think the next chapter should be composed of: I have a little segment in Starsong's part, where Moon Fang is introduced, not very big. Then we put in Twilight visiting big bro in the hospital so that he can sign the letter, or record it, to be more fancy. Along with that we get how Dash is deconvinced and Twilies paying the gang a little visit. Sound good?

p.s. I will edit 51 then.

3112218 Sounds good. I have already planned a part where Rain Sight and Scootaloo split up to look for Rainbow near where she had landed after she performed the Rainboom. Rain finds a faint trail of smoke. She goes investigate and finds Rainbow, ready to fire. Struggle ensues, the convince her to stop and they leave before Shining Night notices anything.

Then we insert Moon Fang's intro in between before we cut back to Rain Sight and the others. They happen to fly close to the arena. Rain asks them to wait while she goes and gets her dad, and the rest you know.

3112540
(skip to 0:40)

3112218 Almost forgot, I don't think Twilight would need anything from Shining, except for his silence, since Spike can pretty much replicate Shining's writing and voice. Ain't technology grand?

Also, I forgot one more party, Pinkie's and Mercy...though I have no idea what do with Pinkie. As for Mercy however, I guess after her...er 'fun' with the poort Diamond Dog, she could have a quick chat with Stedson and tell him of her encounter with Jet Stream and Scootaloo.

3119298 OKAY, Cold And Questionably Sweet's master editing, by yours truly , is complete!

That's my point. Tech can replicate that stuff, that's why I think that the Emperor would be more promt to believe a video recording of Shining saying what he needs to. (Or 'what Twilight needs him to' to be more precise.) That's why I think we can make a segment of her visiting big bro, carrying a cam, or something, maybe mentally give him the words he needs to say, and after wards send said video to the Emperor. And if he asks who is the one holding the camera, Twilies could have Shiny can throw in a: A trusted subordinate, or something of the sort in the recording.

I think we can leave that for chapter 4. But until then we'll think it over better.

3112613 You do have a point but then, if that was the case, why would Twilight be satisfied with just a letter, or rather a recording of the message.when she prepared it?

Also, not everyone is knowledgeable about tech, the emperor would probably be one of them. Though the folks from DI, like Hawken might become suspicious of this message and would probably request that he's allowed to cross-examine the recording.

But since the message is about his 'incompetence', the emperor denies his request and probably suspects that Hawken is trying to cover his own ass. So following his 'son-in-law's' advice, he strips Hawken of his rank and directorship right there.

Besides, doing the camera recording bit just sounds a bit silly. I know we're trying to cover any eventualities but let's leave little flaws in Twilight's oh so perfect plans. After all, if she is so smart, then why did she do something as risky and stupid as plugging herself into ARES/SMARTIEPANTS?

3112613 Okay, here's what I got so far: Reckless Rainbow(Placeholder)

Does the part with the gun failure sound better or should I have Rain Sight interrupt her before she even pulls the trigger?

3120489 Um, could you send me all the writing you do in PMs here in fimfic? I'm on my phone 80% of the day and it can't properly display the google thing. Sadly I won't be able to see anything atm unless it's here.

3120489 Good, good, I approve. You seem to have this covered. I'm half-way done with the Starsong segment and I think I'll have it done today. When I'm through with it, do you mind if I write the part where they find Karn's body?

3125024
Okay, then I guess I'll stick with the busted rifle route then and as for the retrieval of Karn's body...

Here's what I propose, we both write our own version of that part and present it to each other for evaluation. Then, if it's feasible, we'll take the best elements from both versions and put them into one segment. What do you say?

p.s: I might be a little slow with my part so bear with me.

3125131 That sounds reasonable. I'm game.

p.p.s. It's k, I'll wait.

3125131
2909232 Okay, the Starsong segment for the third chapter is done. I have it uploaded to the fic, so you can see it whenever you can.

3126447 I'll do a quick edit and PM you the changes for you to go over. Do have any idea what Rame could do for a new cover art? He set up a thread in case you didn't know.

3128675 No, I didn't know. I'll ponder on it and when I think of something I'll post it there.

2784793
2656169
2785091 Okay, found some time today and master eidited the third chapter.

Now guys, I have a couple of questions, what are we naming that chapter, and what are we doing with Pinkie's party, before Castanar?

3129960
3155018 Spotted some minor things like company/companion but overall, nice. As for the title, I'm running a blank.

I don't know about you but I think we should probably hold Pinkie's segments off for a while, since she had really big roles in the last few chapters in the original.

Also I'd hate to confuse readers by jumping around with the parties willy nilly. I did that for a story I did ages ago, and my readers said it confused them. So why don't we focus on the parties on Cadia for a little longer. At least until the cmc escape Cadia?

Then we can switch over to other parties, like the one you sent me in your PM? What do you think?

You're the guy in charge of Pinkie's party, so what do you think she'll do...or at least what Penny Pincher would do.
Facts:
1.)They have suffered some last minute losses thanks to Twilight's reactivation of the orbital defenses. Some of the losses included some ships which probably carried some supplies in them.
b.)The Vengeance, Pinkie's capital ship, is currently carrying Sovereign's bisected body inside, ready to be delivered to Castanar station for his 'resurrection'
3.)....er to be added.

Anyways, assuming that Stedson only has the knowledge but not the tech, we could have Pinkie pick up the tech from somewhere...like maybe Queen Bee? The tech she made could have been accelerated cloning or something. If not, then perhaps somewhere else

3155117
2908947 I had an idea. Rediscovered Family Part 1, and when we get the gang to Meinhoff and Rain find out about her Khalai side of the family that chapter to be Rediscovered Family Part 2. Thoughts?

Actually, you make a very plausible point here. We can have Pinkie go pick up tech from QU, which allows the making of clones, regardless of the age from which the dna was taken, and when they clone Sovi on the station, Pinkie uses some weird Umojan spell to grow his body, back to the point where...well...he was killed.

My train of thought was to not bore people with a single storyline going on for a long amount of time, without divercity, but I am willing to agree to your train of thought.

3155362 Sounds good, but we'll need to work on what happens between where they're now and when they get to Meinhoff and Hoketa station. Regardless, I like it, though we'll use 'Rediscovered Family' as a placeholder title until we can come up with a better one.

Well, QB is more or less an expert on zerg biology and a former confederate that had four centuries to experiment so the tech she made, might have also made the need for the Umojan spell a moot point. Ya know, accelerated cloning, but with the kinks worked out. Still, I like the magical option a teeny bit better

And about the party thing, what I meant is that we'll still use other parties, just in moderate amounts since they might give away some spoilers and/or create plotholes later on.

Okay, but I think my suggestion seems better~

3155566 Very well, if that is what you wish, then go ahead. I'm the not the boss. We could always hide away the unintended spoilers and cover potential plotholes during editing anyways.

3156601 Yeah. Though hiding everything until the supposed time it's going to appear. You have to give people little bits, to edge them up. It's good for the story.

3157369 Well, you're the veteran writer, so sure. I can go with that

3157477 SO, how goes your part of Chapter 4? You know where to send it when you're done with it.

Almost done, had to redo a several scenes when I found a few inconsistencies.

3157669 Neat. Can't wait to see the end result!

3160090 Just in time, I just uploaded the chapter, though I think Eye Glass' segment should be put in the next chapter. Though we could add it to chapter 4 if you want.

3160112 I think we should have it in chapter 4. Splitting up chapters like that ain't good.

3160174 Ok, I'll add it after I change a couple of minor things with it

3160181

I just read the chapter, and I'm dumb. You're right partner, better leave the Eye Glass segment for the next one. I appologise for speaking, before seeing what you had written.

3160223 No worries friend and don't devalue yourself, its not healthy. You were just speaking your mind, that's all.

3160240 Alright, so chapter 4 is pretty much done. I'll give it the master edit when I have time. Now, I say we do ch5 and maybe take a break. Rame needs some time to catch up to us, and we need to make people want more, not directly serve them up a finished story.