3308955
3309024
3309059 HAGAMARGEHETHEJAWACHU!!!
-cough- Sorry , I meant to say hello.

3308955 So, Gape, as a new member we need to publicly announce you introduction. As for that to happen you need to pick a color for yourself in the shared account. Note: green, red and purple are taken. And black serves as all of us talking.

3308955 Also, could you take a look at chapter 58 for us? We're pretty much done with it, all that's left is a proofreader and of course, a better title. Think you can come up with one ?

3311213 Well, this is certainly the hardest choice of my life.

I guess I'll go blue!!

3311442 Go ahead and send it.

3311447 Hmm, google docs ain't letting me use the share function, why don't you log into the shared account and proofread and directly edit the chapter? It'll certainly be faster than what we did before

3311477 It's done.

3311646 Great, now all we need now is a better title and we're set

3313451 How about "Liquid Courage"?

3309076
3314526 What do ya think Kriss? Think it's better than Stress Relief?

3314526 Hmm, until Kriss logs in, what do you think of what we're doing with Unholy's story so far?

3314661 You guys are doing great. I can't really compare it to Unholy's version since, well, we don't know how he was going to do it. But, I can tell you guys are trying your hardest. And it's for a fanfiction written by a guy we haven't even met in person. I don't see any failure in that.

3314661
3314703 Oooh, I like it! Let's go for it!

3314703
3314819 Okay, just change the title and let Gape have the honor of publishing the chapter then

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3314819
3314703 Okay, I'm done editing Fall from Grace and added the revised edition below the original in the shared account and would like to hear your thoughts on it. Especially you, Kriss, since you're the one that came up with the idea in the first place.

3317166 Kay, I'll go see it asap.

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3314703
3317166 Yeah, there are a couple of good bits at the start of the second version, but overall I think the better one is the first one. That's my opinion here.

3317319>>3080032>>3314703
I see, so which part should we switch out? You know, merge them so we can have the best of both worlds. Or do we just clean up the original version and use that?

3317354 I'd say merge. I will go and take the parts from the second one that were better and send them to you in a pm. You can insert them later on.
But of course I would like to hear what the others think too~

3317354 Actually scratch that. I can down right tell you the parts. So the more preferable things to add are the lore that is given with the description of the room, and the advisers' quotes, so that we have more color in the dialog department. That's pretty much it.

3317354 The first one expressed the Emperor's anger better I believe. But the second one was better constructed. So like Krissy said, merge them.

3317397 Okay, so pretty much first half of the revised version followed by the second half from the original, right? But before that, I think I need to raise a few issues with certain parts and why I changed them.

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3314703
The main issue is the emperor's reaction, he comes off like an over emotional individual rather than an experienced ruler who was successfully selected to become emperor when he was a candidate. So I made it so the few things that would make him angry is his family, or rather, his legacy. Depending on how you look at it.

The other issues however, I can't really say since I'm not so sure about them myself even after I changed them, which was the main reason I asked for some hopefully unbiased opinions from the three of you when I had finished the editing. Which is silly since two of us are obviously biased

So, Gape, Rame. You two are the only ones in the group who are qualified to critique us fairly.

3317402 Didn't see your post earlier, so ignore my little wall 'o' text above

3317417 I havent had time to read yet, I have been a little busy

3317420 Oh ok. No worries, I'll just do what Gape and Kriss said and merge them and see what happens

3317422 It will still be some time before that chapter is to be relesed right? so I still have time read it.

3317417 Well, I don't see Mengsk as a gifted leader either. (Well, he is certainly charismatic.) Also, when one's daughter is in danger, and you know who's responsible, you wouldn't be the most sensible person in the group.

3317439 Oh it's a long ways off. Heck, it's still technically incomplete since we don't have another segment to accompany it.

3317446 Heh, Mengsk is a poor emperor to choose as a role model. I figured that Maximus was selected because he was a competent candidate as emperor and at least had a level-head on his shoulders, but I can see where Kriss is coming from.

3317450 Actually it depends which Mengsk we're talking about. Yes, Arcturus was a shitty emperor, but his son Valerian is a damn-right awesome as an emperor.

3317473 It's his hair, isn't it?

3317476 No, he's just listening to Jimmy and Matt. That makes him a good Emperor in my books.

3317473
3317476
3317439 Hair?...Oh, heir, now I get it As for Valerian, he actually tried to evacuate the people to safety, which is already better than his dad did since Arcturus sacrificed an entire world for his ambitions. Seeing him get his comeuppance was satisfying

Anyways, I'm done with the editing and added the merged version to the shared account for your review. Though it's more of a patch-job to be honest

3319617 Okay, I read it and there's just one part that I disapprove of - Moonraker's entry. I doubt that the Emperor would know the ranks of all operatives in all of the Dominion organhsations. So you might be better off using the bit from the first segment, where the guards on the outside open the door, Moonraker enters, Hawkens is surprised, Moon jokingly greets him, Emperor asks who this is and after Hawkens introduces Moon the red pegasus bows to the Emperor and then you can leave it the way it is.

3322149 Actually, that part was from the original version, but I'll adjust it as you've asked

edit: Nevermind. It appears I forgot to remove that bit, my bad.

3322164 It's alright, glad I was of assistance.

3322164
3322256 Just wanted to let you know that I have read the latest chapter now and I too think that the merged one is the strongets.