Alright, I'm aware I took an unusually long time with this one, and the reason is that I was about to review a different story until I realized this one (and a couple others) had been in the submission folder way to long. So I need to apologize to Raven Shadow, Erol carstein, and Regina Wright, as their stories have been in the submission folder longer than any story has in even the other folders (except Adventure . There's so many long stories in that folder and not enough commentators if you ask me.)

Another thing, there isn't a video reading because I'm unable to get my new mic working (dmned dog)

LE REVIEW

Today's reviewed story is titled: Obsidian Legacy: Sombra

Presentation (Knighty needs to add a Unikitty color)

Point Of View

This is the, not going to say cliche but, commonly used third person POV, following Twilight Sparkle, Who's following Sombra.

Execution

The only time in which our author for this story didn't do this, was the first chapter (which is the prologue) in which we were following Sombra, and setting the scene for his downfall into what ever he turned into.

Improvement

Personally, I don't think it's exactly possible to tell somebody how to improve their Point Of View, unless they somehow managed a 4th person narrative (Regidar, get to work on it now).

Overall Style

Presentation

The author does take time to describe some areas, but others are left without. This doesn't always hurt the story, as sometimes the setting is within a place we've seen in the show before (Ponyville's train, for example) but one instance was within an area of the Crystal empire, during a meeting, where I feel more could've been done to describe the area.

Execution

Well, I felt like a part of the story at times, but at others I felt like a bystander, holding the camera so that the couple in front of me could make a decent porn video (sorry for the image). So overall it bounced around from time to time.

Flow

Presentation

The story is within our normal semi shortness of at least one thousand words per chapter, and gives just enough description to give you an idea of what's going on. So, it's a little shy of clopfic descriptive, but not.

Execution

It did feel like a smooth read, though it did have a recurring problem in which we'll discuss later. Until then however, I'll say the author's tool he uses for writing isn't exactly superior.

Improvement

Once again, the thing that does need Improvement I'll leave for the section that it fits better, (totally not the grammar section)

MOOD

Intended Mood

It's rather hard to pinpoint the mood, as it has a tendency to switch from "normal." to

esc. dark, and back to normal."

Received mood

Well, that's exactly what the author is able to do. With a few words it goes from "oh happy happy joy joy" to "awww, saddies" to "wtf just happened and how did I get into this shit storm?" I seriously think that, with a few more descriptions in select areas, this might have to be turned into a mature story.

Pointers

Now, this is more a subjective thing, but I totally wanted to see more descriptions when the guys tongue got cut off . Don't be worried, I'm the kind of guy who watches knife game song videos for the people cutting themselves.

GRAMMAR

Now, this was the thing I had mentioned earlier in the review. The author has said that they use a phone for writing their stories, which I know isn't exactly a good system for prolonged typing. Most of the grammar errors are typical things like a missing comma, some small spelling errors, and the occasional same word twice when it isn't necessary. So, this earns a B.

*sees Tidal posted new story*
DAMMIT TIDAL! I don't have time for your stuff right now, stop mocking me.

TIPS

Really the biggest thing I can say, is to do a couple of double checks after writing a story. The grammatical errors may not be major, but there tend to be a few in some areas that kinda stack up on eachother, at least for me.

FINAL VERDICT

It was kinda hard for me with this one. On one hand, my reader side was all "Dude, you should be all OH EMM GEE DIS IS A GREET STOREHHHHH AND SHOULD BE A MYASHHHTTIERRPEESHH"

But, my analytical side reminded of the negatives of this story the bastard. So, I shall award it a "You may want to read this story", or in Cromegas' eyes, a "You must read this."

Until next time, which will be Terminal World (A mature story for once), I'm tut895 and I review the Alternate Universe stories.