The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!
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Hey there everypony, I just read a doozy. I have to do a review on it!
(This review will contain spoilers! Beware... Beware!)
This is the description... I was gonna do a commentary but I wanna try and eliminate as many spoilers as possible... The writer was incredibly creative! (The story does have a sex tag but thankfully, no sexual actions take place.
)
FEELS METER
So wow. My feels meter was confused while I was reading this. I was dangerously close to shedding tears, but I held strong. Still though I felt many different things! From pity, to sadness, to "Oh hell naw!" So I'll give this one a 10 out of 10
EXECUTION/PRESENTATION
Point of View
So this story is written in 3rd person and follows around the mane 6, mostly around Twilight and it stayed this way throughout. I loved the characterization for each pony. I've said before in my previous reviews that I enjoy when a pony is OOC and it makes sense or betters the story. This story does fall into that category. One pony I did not enjoy reading however was Applejack. I know many writers like to write in slang in order to really capture her character. I don't always enjoy this. Really it's only one thing in particular that Applejack says. "Ah" Instead of "I"
When I read stories these ah's don't confuse me, I know what she's saying. But I try to imagine these characters talking in my head as I read to better feel their characterization. But with AJ I think all readers know who is talking, and AJ doesn't need to be written completely slang for us to understand it's her.
Depressed me, and seeing her ignore her secret and continue to lie... well that'd broke my heart even more! Well done for breaking my heart writer!
Hey... the bright side is when we get towards the latest chapter updated. I love Applejack's fit of rage and her threat to... naw... I won't spoil it.
Overall though every character is awesomely written. My favorite pony is Pinkie and seeing her... well...
Style
In this story Ponyville is basically Silent Hill. A think blanket of grey fog coats the town to the point where you can't see further then 5 feet in front of you. The only light in the fog? The red glow of the secrets painted on the walls of every home in Ponyville. It's intense to think about. Your deepest darkest secret is painted on your house. The paint cannot come off. If you deny that your secret is true? It glows brighter! At one point Twilight's is seen across town!! The story and environments are greatly described and made it easy for me to visualize what the town looked like under the thick layer of fog, and everything else all over. Even describing the dirt at Sweet Apple Acres. (DIRT!)
I think the writer may have mentioned the fog a little bit too much. We understand there is fog there that makes it hard to see, and it adds to the mystery. But you don't have to tell me about the fog every couple paragraphs. Avoid that slight repetition.
Flow
The story flows quite well. Each chapter was titled like:
And the others follow suit. I enjoyed this cause I knew what to prepare myself for. Each chapter took the time to describe the secrets, why they were secrets, or their significance, and then have reactions from the other ponies about them. Some chapters even had detailed flashbacks... Like REALLY detailed. Which I appreciate the writer doing for us! The various chapters left me with different emotions at the end of each one, and I loved it.
There were some moments that seemed a little slow, but were spiced up a bit with Twilight trying to solve the mystery. I got a little bored during these few moments but I pushed passed them because I knew the story would pick up again. (FaleYur told me that sometimes these drier moments are needed to get to the better parts. I understand that better now)
MOOD
Intended Mood
From what was read I feel like the writer was trying to tell us a compelling mystery. With bundles of sadness. Did they achieve this? Yes. Yes they did.
Received Mood
I was aching at the end. I was jaw-dropped at Pinkie's secret. It was like a nightmare come true. Then Fluttershy's secret, and Applejacks reaction to it was mind blowing. I definitely had misty eyes in a few different parts of the story and I suspect from what the writer cliffhung with... I will shed tears in later chapters.
GRAMMAR
So this story had pretty good overall grammar throughout. The author has a nice vocabulary I enjoyed reading, and even though when Applejack talks every other word is a spelling or grammar error, it's allowed because the writer purposely is writing like that. I did notice however a handful of punctuation errors
The comma up there.
There was also the occasional time where a word would be misspelled and I'd have to re-read the sentence in order to understand what was being said. To fix that I'd just ask your Proofreader to do a double check over the chapter! B+
TIPS AND HIGH-HOOF
Tips
I would suggest in the future not making Applejack have too much slang in her speech, for it has the possibility of throwing some people off while they are reading.
Don't mention the fog so much, we understand it's foggy and hard to see. Instead take those moments when you would describe the fog and describe something else. Talk more about the burning homes, or maybe more about the other secrets scattered around Ponyville. I loved reading those it was so interesting and made me wonder who those secrets belonged to!
High-Hoof
I gotta give super high praise to the awesome story. I spent like 10 minutes trying to figure out how the magic paint worked. If you denied your secret it would glow brighter, if you admitted it then it would disappear. But if someone else admitted theirs to you then their secret would disappear and yours would reappear even brighter then normal! I love it!! I was actually agreeing with Twilight's different ideas or I'd be like "No Twilight that can't be it!" The writer got me involved. That's pretty kick-ass if you ask me!
Rating: YOU MUST READ THIS!
I really enjoyed this story, It's in my favorites box and got an upvote. I'm desperate to read more man. That cliff hanger at the end... Anypony here ever read the Mark of Athena by Rick Riordan? If you have then you know what an ultimate cliff hanger is like... This story left me with a similar feeling! Please update Cyneryk!
I recommend this story to everyone. It's incredibly mysterious dilemma and creativity make this an interesting read. Even a sad one for those that are easily moved by feels.
I feel like since I know all the mane 6's secrets. Maybe I should reveal what I feel is my secret.
I use my happiness and carefree nature to mask the sadness I hide inside so no one can see.
It's true I love to be carefree and happy nearly all the time, deep down though? I sometimes am sad... I have various reasons to be sad but I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm not suicidal or anything. I have a great life. I just feel... sad and I love to make people around me happy! When I see other happy people. Makes me feel better.
That's why I love this fandom, for the most part everyone is so friendly.
That's also why Pinkie is my favorite, and why her secret hit me the hardest. Read this story guys. It's a good one!
Tidal out.
-Never Stop Smiling.
Fantastic Review! Just fantastic! I need to write mine out, then I'll go on to read this story.
Been waiting for an update to this one, too, though I suspect from here on out it's going to either floor me or frustrate me. Personally, the secrets have been really hit or miss for me... actually, let me just spoiler these. I don't intend to reveal any of the secrets here, but some people may consider even my reactions and comments to be spoilers.
Twilight's secret wasn't actually that big a deal in the long run. It was a huge personal embarrassment, yeah, but once she explains it she's pretty much completely forgiven. I think the only ponies who might actually react badly to it would be Cadance or her parents. Or Shining for the reminder.
Rarity's secret has actually been the biggest one for me so far, and we only learned it second. Not only does it expose that she has serious personal problems, it's also a huge breach of trust.
Pinkie's secret makes sense, and is one of the nastier ones, but only because she's still completely incapable of coping with the reality. Unfortunately, I just found it a bit annoying because I've read (and favorited) The Games We Play by AbsoluteAnonymous, which tackled the same issue but, in my opinion, handled it better.
Applejack's secret was dumb. It was as forced and awkward as her "element reveal moment" back in the first two episodes of the show. I get the feeling the author only gave her that one so he could do the fakeout and swap the expected ones for her and Mac.
Fluttershy's secret felt like a huge stretch to lay the blame on her. "Indirectly" is the understatement of the year. I also didn't care for AJ's reaction to it - I get her being angry, but that she wouldn't cool off after she left and at least try to understand what happened...
And Rainbow's secret ...well, it happened. It doesn't really impact anyone or anything beyond her (still totally unexplored) relationship with her (virtually unknown) parents. Again felt like the author only did it to subvert our expectations, with little aim for it beyond that.
...it might be a good thing you got to this one before I did. Though despite all of that, I'm still awaiting the next update.
2825026 I agree that a few of the secrets were kinda... meh. But the ones that I really did enjoy like Pinkie's and Fluttershy's. The other secrets weren't traumatizing secrets, but they didn't really ruin the story for me. I just kinda had a "Really?" but then I thought about it... To them that was their most personal secret and to have it thrown out there in the open like that can be pretty crazy...
Lol I think the story while it probably could've had crazier secrets, but the way the story has played out so far, focusing more on pinkie and fluttershy was petty cool
2824736 I'm glad you liked my review Mr. Flare!
2825026 I agree. I think it was good in the beginning, but crashed harder than a drunk Hindenburg on the freeway after Applejack's secret.
2825333 Applejack's secret was so chill like she's like it hurts me to be honest
Chocolate Milk?
lol Hindenburg
Oh hey! Cool! Thanks for the feedback, man! This is just what I needed! I will definitely take all of this into consideration! The fog is a good point, and so is AJ... whoops...
2823815
Sometimes it just sucks to write a review. When I do it, I'm like: Well, this part was pretty ba-no, no, can't be harsh. I'll just give a tip. Oh this part was terrib-Nah, I'll just cover that...Ooh, this part was good...actually, I'll be harsher.
And don't get me started at how many times I have to re-read the story and edit the review...that's why I love being a critic.
2879680 Yeah it's a jumble of emotions... I love it too! So many good stories to read, or tips to give out to help writers fix theirs and make them better.
2828735
My secret: When my friends are mad and say they'll never be my friend again, I'll be like: Don't care.
2879680
When it's bad, I vent all my hate towards the story in my personal notes, then go back, clean them up, make it polite, and summarize. That becomes my Commentary.
Here's some unedited samples (I won't say which stories they were pulled from).
...no, they're not all from the same review. I rant a lot off-camera.
2880151
And those aren't even your strongest comments either. It gets noisy sometimes.
2880151
Here are mine:
I too rant off camera.