Now, before we go on to the review, I know what some of you are thinking. "Tut, you do the alternate Universe folder stories, wtf are you doing?" Well random person, after a chat with Cromegas and maybe some bribery sex I was given permission to do the adventure folder as a secondary folder. Now then, allow us to be getting started with le review shall we?

The story being reviewed is Whiteout by Hyper Atomic and my_little_medic

Please attempt to watch the vidya (I know it's unusually long) as this contains spoilers that were apart of the chapter I read

Execution/Presentation (switching it up with Applejack color)

Point of view: The POV we're to be reading through, as you could tell, is a first person POV. The use of said POV is well done, as we get every thought that our character thinks.

Execution: None yet, so no need to worry about death

What Cromegas meant: The author executed his use of the first person about as well as I've seen others do it. Bringing in even the smallest detail they believe would be thought by the character we follow around as if we were some kind of stalker.

Improvement: As of right now, the only way I can think of improving this would be using some more descriptions. Example: when we had read about Devon crawling through the hallway, or when Alek noticed he was singing the mission impossible theme, we didn't get any descriptors to help give us an image, or some even teensy hint that Devon had been singing.

overall style

presentation: The majority of the unfinished story took place in an Asylum, as Devon makes his escape possible, and felt presented well enough for how Asylums are created today. Though I notice a small plot hole, as a guy hearing some disembodied voice usually doesn't get you a one way trip to the cuckoo clock. But we'll skip that.

execution: I did feel that I was within the story. Not as much as movies, or an form of visual media for that matter, or as much as some other stories that describe the smallest blade of grass in a field. But it did feel enough for you do enjoy the story a tad more. I couldn't picture the setting as much, come the second part of chapter one, but until then it's smooth sailing with his descriptors.

flow

Presentation: Hyper here, took no short cuts in writing his story. This was something that confused me, as he had no problem describing the conversation he had with the Doctor (I messed around with the possible reference too) but when it came to him changing areas, he didn't exactly take much time describing the immediate areas.

Execution: The text felt written just fine, as it didn't distract from the story unless you were searching for grammatical errors with a spotlight (as seen, I made a big deal out of a lack of a comma)

Improvements: The only thing I really feel that needs to be commented here is the lack of descriptors come halfway through the first (and currently only) chapter

mewd

intended mood: The mood seemed like it was going for a serious and somewhat dark one, yet come my reading, lack of attention span, and the scene with the tranq, it didn't really help that mood much.

Recieved mood: it seemed to be a bit puzzling towards the beginning, and then become more comical as the chapter progresses. Granted I don't know what a pony would act like should they be hit with a horse tranquilizer, but I'm doubting it would be that long before they lose consciousness. This may be intended though, as the premise soon loses it's serious feeling almost immediately afterwords.

Pointers: The biggest thing that seemed to distract from the plot, as I started wondering, was the subtle-ish potential reference to booster shots. In which I mistook for an opening into a gay clop scene.

Grammar (wouldn't be a tut895 review without Fluttershy color)

So, we now have a school grading system (A-F) with our grammar, so I can no longer give it an x/11, or whatever I did. Instead I'll give my summary. All I noticed was a missing comma, so it shall receive this grade
A/... well there isn't really anything beyond A that I could use as an 11, so it'll just be an A/A

Tips
The only thing I really have to say to the author is the same complaint I had earlier, where the authors inexplicably stopped using a godly amount of descriptions upon the doctor's leave.

Rating: well, since this is a collab and a story, I'll give it a rating/rating, otherwise known as a rating by all.

serious rating: I give this thing a / as it was a bit unexpected from what the description read. But, this is know as a "I reccomend this story" by Cromegas

Thank you for taking the time to read our little story!

I'm still in the middle of watching the video, youtube isn't being the most cooperative to me right now.

You're right that we could have added some more descriptions through the second half of the chapter. We had tried something different since the point of view had become sedated, he wasn't paying as much attention to his surroundings. Similarly, he didn't know he was humming the theme, so why would his point of view? Though, we likely didn't do it as well as we could have.

Again you are very correct, hearing a voice isn't enough on it's own to put him in an asylum. So how else must he have been acting, then?

Thank you once again for the great review, and hope you liked it.

2772123
I'll be honest, I'm not too sure myself. Perhaps the next chapter could consist of a flashback, showing Devon freaking out due to some form of Alek's antics, if he has any that is.

Just a heads up, for any who may have missed it, the second chapter of Whiteout was recently published! This is in no way asking for the next chapter to be included in the review, only notifying that it has been updated.

And thanks again 2772558 for your review!

2844275
Once you are done with the story, you can resubmit for a review. I thought I should tell you