Equestria: The Land I Love and Hate

By AppleofThineEye

Words Read: 1825 (all)

Equestria: The Land I Love and Hate spends most of its short duration painting an accurate picture of the unsettling feeling humans get being around others that aren't of their kind. Anyone who's visited another country will tell you that being around complete and utter strangers who are nothing like you is stressful even if those strangers are completely friendly. Even visiting another U.S. state can leave a vacation not feeling like a vacation at all. Despite this, our protagonist, Jack, admits he really does enjoy living with the ponies and Equestria is far more peaceful than the world he left behind. It's a very common trope in human x pony fanfiction to downplay the feelings of isolation the human is feeling, so it's well understood why a short story like this one exists.

The long description for the story on the other hand does raise a significant issue.

My story didn't begin in Equestria. It began on a place that I like to call Earth. Only I know the pain I went through coming here, and it will likely never leave me. Luckily, I have friends to keep me on my feet. Maybe there's somepony out there who might understand. At least... I hope there is.

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Disclaimer: Semi-romantic setting involving pony x human ahead.

This is a bit besides the point of the story, but I do want to address the controversy of human/pony themed shipping that periodically shows up in group forums on fimfiction to much fanfare and butthurt. Human/Pony shippings are not actually hated. One can be forgiven for thinking this is the case from the vocal minority who kvetch and schvitz and wave their hands whenever the subject comes up. By story rating it is in fact one of, if not the most successful tropes on fimfiction. If you build it, they will come. There's no need to be defensive on the matter. We're all friends here. I think people think it's hated because of human turns to pony and becomes the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues. We all know That Guy™.

That's not the case for Jack, who's stuck in Equestria after asking Twilight Sparkle to fulfill the desire of many a brony and take him back to the world of ponies and improbably tall buildings to house them. He fulfilled his dream, but at a terrible price. He can't go back due to the spell being cast incorrectly, leaving him stranded on the other side. All of his friends, his pet, his family, gone forever.

“That’s just the thing. I don’t know if I’d go back or not. Things could go wrong. For one, the portal could be too weak to reach to the other side, and I could be stuck in the weird limbo between this world and mine - but that’s not even the beginning. What if the flow of time isn’t consistent in the two universes? If I went back, either no time at all could have passed, or an innumerable amount of years could’ve gone by.

Or worse, you go back in time and be stuck in the past before being eaten by poorly CGI'd mutant meatballs with razor teeth. But that would just be silly.

The author did an overall decent job with Twilight Sparkle's character, though she did come off as a bit passive for my liking. Exposition is handled almost entirely by the main character leaving Twilight looking a bit clueless. When a possible solution is proffered, Jack explains why it wouldn't work or would be undesirable. When two people talk, it's common for one to be more passive to the other and let the other guy steer the conversation, so it's an intuitive writing decision. They are talking about his problems of course. I just think Twilight would have considered the consequences of her own magic more effectively than he could hope to.

The flirting on the other hand was golden. Twilight The Sexy Scientist is always a fun angle to play but you didn't overplay your hand. Kudos!

Overall the grammar and punctuation were solid, aside from that one small mistake I mentioned in the comments that is a common feature of casual conversation. At no point was I wondering why a character did or said anything. It played logic straight, or as straight as you can dealing with talking ponies.

Overall, an enjoyable one-shot. I do hope you get around to writing something novel-length someday. Though I'd suggest using past-tense instead of present since it's more familiar to people.

Nice work.

6101273
Just throwing this out before I read the review... you put the wrong title in the thread name.

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6101273
Has been fixed.

Sounds like an interesting story as well. I like approaching common tropes in a different way, and this seems like a thoughtful take on the consequences of universe-hopping.

6101367
I hope that's a hint that you'll check it out and hopefully enjoy it.

6101273
Just finished reading and... wow.

So here's the thing; I was going to swap this story out with another of about the same length just a few days ago, but I was told that you had already started working on this one. And boy, am I glad that you did. See, I was nervous about what result I would get from this review, given a previous review group (A for Effort) had given to me a score of 6/10. I hold no grudge. However, there is something interesting here.

What had lowered my score there has now seemingly brought some positive weight here. For example, the other review stated

I find it a little odd that Twilight has yet to find the way to open the portal. She's so meticulous about casting spells that it shouldn't take her long to recreate the anomaly and get him home. This issue is made relatively moot when Jack is uncertain if he even wants to go back. Then there's the joke about Twilight being interesting in Jack's body, which didn't quite land for me.

Here, though, you insist that it ties things up and makes a contribution to the story. The only question is if one of you is mistaken, or if this is simply a difference in thought process - two different ways of looking at the content?

And as for what you said about both the pony x human and passive Twilight points, I will completely agree (and also be deleting the disclaimer). The Twilight of this story did act a bit closer to an alicorn Fluttershy, but - as you mentioned - this is partly because of her being the listener in this conversation. The rest of it (Twilight's passiveness), though, is indeed my fault.

The only other thing to comment on is the mentioning of me using present tense. Generally, I go by what I feel would best fit the mood of the story. This is my style of writing, and I certainly don't expect it to be the most enjoyed or understood. It only exists truly as a means for me to enjoy writing more, and I can only hope that it generally makes reading more enjoyable to readers.

Seriously, thank you oh-so-much for making this review. It let me know exactly what to work on and what to keep going forward with. Also, nice Fallout kid. Only recently started playing the game series. Started with 3. Great game so far. War never changes.