For the past year, or so, Rainbow Dash has not been living comfortably in her own home. Her father walked out on her, and her mother has become a heavy drinker. All of that alcohol intake has caused Rainbow Dash's mother to be physically and verbally violent towards her daughter. The athletic Canterlot Highschool student has yet to tell a soul on what is going on at home. This is her struggle.

I hoped for more from this story. At eleven thousand words, it certainly had the length to elaborate on the standard abuse stories I see from time to time. It had room to experiment with the idea, come at it from a different angle, or highlight some of the long term effects abuse can have on a child. Something to give a story about such a drastic and sensitive topic a bit more punch to it.

Well. I suppose Rainbow can attest that there's plenty of punch already.

No, I will not apologize for that intro.

One thing the story does try to do differently is use the third-person present tense instead of the usual past tense. I confess I have practically no experience writing this tense myself, but I don't think it was used very effectively. Lines such as "Rainbow Dash wants to hate her parents" or "Applejack is taken aback by this" seem to obliterate the showing side of the Show vs. Tell spectrum. It's all telling, like I have Captain Obvious reading the story to me.

There's one line of dialogue in particular that serves as a microcosm of the story:

“About a year ago. She started to drink a lot and she would hurt me physically and emotionally.”

"She would hurt me physically and emotionally." That line is just... cold. Detached. Yes, it's what Rainbow's mother would do to her, but it sounds like it came out of a textbook documenting child abuse cases, not straight from the mouth of one of the abused. This is a scene in which Rainbow is showing her bruises to Applejack, and she doesn't sound like Rainbow Dash. There's none of her personality or characteristics coming through in this scene. The only emotion that really comes through is the fear she feels about the truth coming out. Because victims are supposed to be afraid, right?

That's kind of how the story goes. Rainbow's mother is abusive because it's an abuse story. Applejack takes Rainbow to the nurse's office because she's the best friend. Rainbow's other friends cry about it because it's sad. Celestia calls child services, the police get involved, Rainbow goes to the hospital and put in foster care with Granny Smith all in the span of the same twenty-four hours because the story's supposed to have a happy ending.

It's all just a bit too easy. There's a bit towards the end where Rainbow is angry at AJ for interfering with her life, but it lasts all of ten seconds. The story is less of a story and more like a public service movie they'd show us at school every now and then. There's no real story arc or development to it. The very characters could be almost anyone else, and things would be pretty much the same.

I wish the story had gone deeper. I believe there could be an interesting tale to tell about "Rainbow Dash craves the spotlight to get the warm attention she doesn't get from home" or some other angle like that. Something that could explore a core aspect of her character. But this story seems content with "Child abuse is terrible."

Which, you know, no argument there. Practically by definition, child abuse is terrible. But did anyone really need this story to tell them that?

5855642

Thanks for going over this story and giving me your honest opinion on it! Some of the points you have made were things that I haven't really considered for this story. You would think I would have thought that over the nine months of working on it. What you said would have made it much better. Regardless of the 80-5 like to dislike ratio, your verdict is sound and fair and I greatly appreciate your thoughts. This will help push me to become a better writer in the future. Thank you very much and have a great day!

5855666

Might I suggest -- if you really want to do this type of story better -- that you take a look at A Child Called It? It'll give you an insight into how a child deals with abuse.

5855666
You're welcome. Keep writing and keep learning!

5855699 i'll take a look at it if/when I get the chance too. I plan on becoming a teacher and I may have to help someone in such a harsh condition. This book could give me some (better) insight on the issue. Thanks for the recommendation!

5855705 you know it!!

5855708

That's actually why I read it to begin with: a lot of education courses have it as required reading. It's definitely eye-opening.