Three hundred years after Luna's banishment, Equestria is at a shaky peace, its borders protected by the Equestrian Armed Forces from several hostile races, from raiding Diamond Dogs to the increasingly aggressive Gryphons. Incidents are many, and tensions rise as the newly unified Gryphon Empire sets its sights on the lands and riches of its pony neighbors.

In this troubled time, a young pegasus orphan named Firefly comes of age. A born warrior, her name will one day be known as not just the founder of the Wonderbolts, but as one of Equestria's greatest heroes...

To judge a book by its title, cover, or summary can tell a lot of things about a person. What if that story had a well written plot, setting, and characters? I didn't know what I was getting myself into before reading this story. Before I read it I, suspected that this was going to be a meta fic; a tasteless teacup filled with dollar store Earl Gray where the bag full of the good stuff was dipped only once, exposing the newly created compound as a weak excuse for putting time together to make, hoping that the one thing that could garnish the drink is a lemon that'll do nothing but make it taste sweeter and disguise its unwanted weakness with a mediocre fanciness. My experienced proved that with this fanfic, the author has shown enough writing talent that he could be the first autumn leaf to fall from the tree.

I can't believe I hadn't found this story sooner. This is the best fanfic I've read in a long time. The plot is easy to follow and it doesn't try to blare its unwantedness with a fancy-that writing style; rather, even though the fanfic takes some of its elements from the works of other fanfiction authors, most of my enjoyment of this story is dignified by the author's talented pen. This isn't Past Sins, nor is it Fallout: Equestia or The Monster in the Twilight, this fanfic is its own thing.

This story is a spin-off of RavenRegios' Phoenix Wright - Turnabout Storm! This fanfic I have a few more problems with. Yes, it might have a popular rating, but me being the critic I am, it's my job to analyze what's wrong and what's good with stories. My problem with Phoenix Wright - Turnabout Storm! is that the fic makes a few attempts to deify the rules of narration. Some of it is acceptable for the style since it's based mostly off the game's dialogue, but sometimes it tries to use this style as an excuse. Though the fic is vivid, it's still flawed, just as the one I'm reviewing. I'm happy to say that I find Before the Storm a lot more enjoyable than Turnabout Storm. Matter of fact, I demand you all do the following immediately:

If I had to choose something I didn't like about the fic, it would be the part that's upfront and in your face: The description. It's a well-written description. It explains the story well without spoiling anything. But it's more what's under the description that I have problems with.

Set in the same universe as the Turnabout Storm novelization but taking place seven hundred years before, this is the story of Rainbow Dash's ancestor, the origin of the Wonderbolts, and the coming of the Gryphon War.

Rated R for mild gore and some suggestive scenes.

And that's it for the description. There's not that much wrong, just a few things need to be edited out and it'll be less blaring. Moving onto the story, problems are few in number, but you will run into them constantly. In the prologue of Before the Storm, we get an introduction where Firefly is being interviewed for a membership in the guard. The interviewer is hesitant to accept Firefly's application, until Firefly signifies that she knows the rules. Not a bad start, except for maybe the end of the prologue though.

I laughed merrily, flaring my wings in a boastful display. “I’ve overcome enough hardship in my life to not be afraid of one more. I will overcome any challenge, or my name is not Firefly!”

This feels like a bad start to a good story. The dialogue in this quote felt very cheesy, especially since that was the end line. I get that it adds a dramatic build-up to the character, but this build-up can be a little less pretentious. After this the story only gets better. I'm afraid I can't say much else for the fear that I might spoil something, so I'll skip ahead and instead describe what makes this story so great.

This is a universe where stallions are warriors and mares are maids. The main character, Firefly, wants to join the guard. Some ponies are hesitant toward her request, while others are hostile. I like to think of it as the story of Joan of Arc (only hopefully Firefly's name isn't taken literally at the end); two females who want nothing in life but to be warriors and defend their friends and family. This will sound kind of vise versa, but even though I know little about the story of Joan of Arc, I'm very fascinated by the story. There are very many other stories like it. Mulan is one, which is also one of my favorite Disney movies. Agustina de Aragón is a lesser known Joan of Arc; this one I found while researching for my speech project "Little Known Heroes" (My original intention was to write about Hugh Glass, but I decided against it seeing as how I found Agustin to be a lesser-known hero. And lucky I didn't, because a week after the project was due, I found out that The Revenant was based off the true story, which both made it convenient and made the story of Hugh Glass better known.). And who can forget Lauren Croft?

*I haven't played Overwatch yet, but Tracer is my waifu. You know how in Siberia people have more than one wife? Well call me a weeaboo (I don't even watch anime) if you want, because I have a second waifu: Piper from Fallout 4.

Firefly is made out to be an asshole by some of the characters in the story, and they're not wrong: she is. But even though she might be a boastful asshole, she is willing to stick up for her friends if it means she gets to taste the cake. Her character starts out as your typical OC character. Blatant and somepony with a dream. I do believe this is your stereotypical OC, seeing as how the best way to round out your OC character these days in fanfiction is to make them special in their own way; say don't give them a cutie mark or make them an orphan. Maybe sprinkle in few bits off sad, sad dialogue like bacon in an omelete. One of my favorite fanfics is Fallout: Equestria, and in a way, I found the characterization in this story very relatable to that of Kkat's fic. Characters have a specific personality and then some drastic event causes them to have a dramatic change in character. When talking about great characterization, I like to go here. Fallout: Equestria is a great source of characterization. If I have to choose another for an example, it would be The Great Debaters.

I didn't like The Great Debaters. The movie had a lot of historical inaccuracies just for the purpose of entertainment. Some of the inaccuracies had to do with a character's name or where the debate took place. At the end of the movie the group debates at Harvard, the film's way of building up to a "dramatic ending." Turns out, the group never did debate at Harvard. After finding this out, I felt bullshitted into seeing the movie. But the characterization is the one true thing that I enjoyed. All of these characters look like friends. They look like they would do anything for each other. One character screws up, that only improves their relationship. There was one part of the film though, where they're getting ready to debate against the Harvard students. After a brief montage of studying, out of nowhere they just start arguing. How did it lead up to here? After the argument, the best guy on the team says, "Nah, screw it, you can do it!" and then he leaves. The only reason the guy left is so the movie can have a better dramatic ending where the kid with a speech impediment wins the debate. This felt forced and is an example of what not to do with characterization. The movie did a good job up until that point.

Comparing the examples above with Before the Storm, there are hardly any errors in the characterization. The author follows the rules and guidelines when making a character. Something drastic happens, and then the character is forever changed.

This fanfic brandishes its world building like when Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar.

A lot of it is good, a lot of it is borrowed. Throughout the story, the reader will find out that the author likes to use pieces of world-building from other fanfics. This is okay. In the chapter Bonus #2 - Gryphon Order of Battle the author takes a break from the story to explain the griffin military. In the description, he links some of the stories that were on the list. I don't have much to say about the world building, but I felt it was worth a mention.

If I had to choose a scene in the fic that I had mixed thoughts about, it would be the Full Metal Jacket reference.

At that moment, one recruit announced audibly under his breath that he’d tucked uglier-looking tails than mine, to the snickers of his neighbors. Windshear’s ears flicked. “Who said that? Who the buck said that?!” he thundered, silencing the stifled laughs. “Who’s the slack-jawed sorry piece of hen-humping gryphonbait that just signed his own death warrant?!” he stalked back down the line, his wings flared in only half-feigned anger. When nopony replied, he got creative. “Nopony, eh? The bucking Tooth Breezy said it? I’ll work you all until you break! I’ll fly you all until you bucking die! Was it YOU?” he then snarled in the face of one hapless recruit.

“Sir, n-no sir!” The wide-eyed stallion replied in a trembling voice. With his fragile psyche and softer physique, I gave him two weeks at most before he quit.

“Sir, ‘twas me, sir!” a second, more solid-looking stallion next to him said, this one orange with a dark blue mane, drawing himself up straighter as the Sergeant Major drew near.

“Well, whaddaya know…” Windshear almost sounded impressed as he sidled over, going nose to nose with the newcomer. “And your name, gryphonbait?”

“Sir, Sky Sentry, sir!” he proclaimed proudly and almost without fear.

“Horseapples! Since you seem to think yourself a comedian, from now on your name’s Recruit Jester!” Windshear snapped. “At any rate, I appreciate your honesty! Hay, methinks I even like you! Methinks I’ll take you back to my place so you can tuck my sister!!” With that, he delivered a vicious blow to the newly-dubbed Jester’s barrel, causing him to nearly collapse.

I am a Stanley Kubrick extraordinaire, so OF COURSE I have an appreciation for this scene. But alas, even a swan has a few dead feathers.

At that moment, one recruit announced audibly under his breath that he’d tucked uglier-looking tails than mine, to the snickers of his neighbors. Windshear’s ears flicked. “Who said that? Who the buck said that?!” he thundered, silencing the stifled laughs. “Who’s the slack-jawed sorry piece of hen-humping gryphonbait that just signed his own death warrant?!” he stalked back down the line, his wings flared in only half-feigned anger. When nopony replied, he got creative. “Nopony, eh? The bucking Tooth Breezy said it? I’ll work you all until you break! I’ll fly you all until you bucking die! Was it YOU?” he then snarled in the face of one hapless recruit.

“Sir, n-no sir!” The wide-eyed stallion replied in a trembling voice. With his fragile psyche and softer physique, I gave him two weeks at most before he quit.

“Sir, ‘twas me, sir!” a second, more solid-looking stallion next to him said, this one orange with a dark blue mane, drawing himself up straighter as the Sergeant Major drew near.

“Well, whaddaya know…” Windshear almost sounded impressed as he sidled over, going nose to nose with the newcomer. “And your name, gryphonbait?”

“Sir, Sky Sentry, sir!” he proclaimed proudly and almost without fear.

“Horseapples! Since you seem to think yourself a comedian, from now on your name’s Recruit Jester!” Windshear snapped. “At any rate, I appreciate your honesty! Hay, methinks I even like you! Methinks I’ll take you back to my place so you can tuck my sister!!” With that, he delivered a vicious blow to the newly-dubbed Jester’s barrel, causing him to nearly collapse.

God I hate horse puns.

The problem with this scene isn't the fact that it's a reenactment of the original, but it reenacts it in a way where it's mediocre. The part I like about this is that the author came up with a whole bunch of brand new slangs instead of using the original ones. What made the original scene so great though was the way Sergeant Hartman brandished foul language. He didn't do a series of puns, but instead he took words and phrases that were dirty and turned them into his own thing. With all of the dirty language he used, it showed that this vile man will not soak up to you like a sponge in water. This is a harsh drill instructor who takes his job very seriously. I feel like instead of using the puns, use the actual words. Some people might not like the bad language (and screw them if they get offended by everyday language), but it will make the scene tons better. And if the question is risen to whether or not it's enough to mark it Mature, well, a scene full of cuss words is hardly PG-13. Heck, some PG movies use bad language. Just watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

I’ll work you all until you break! I’ll fly you all until you bucking die!

And that is all that I felt needed to be said. I honestly wish I would spend longer delving into this analysis. At the time of finishing this, I'm almost at 2,500 words; I suspect to write between 4,000 and 5,000, but I felt like the information I shared was enough. To make a final note, I'll repeat something I said at the beginning of the review: The author has a talented pen; and that might be brought to question since this story was a collaboration, but you can even see the talent in the author's blogs. It's rare to find a fanfiction author who can write like a book. The only other story I've reviewed so far that's well-written is Resolution. This is a great story by a fantastic author who I believe can extend on his content.

I am giving this a story a high rating.

Total: 8/10 (*MUST READ*)
(Characterization; World Building; Easy to Follow; Talented Pen)

How I Feel About This Story Rating:

Write a story that's completely new. Not a clopfic, not a spinoff, just a normal story. Give the greatness of this fanfic, but keep an open mind about where to take it. Do it all by yourself too. And don't worry if you have trouble writing it. I know a few editors who can help out. There's this one, that one, oh and one that can give helpful advice along the way!

Savoured Thoughts rubbed the bags under his eyes. He spent three days writing a review for Before the Storm: The Rise of Firefly, and it was finally ready for publishing. It was a well-written review, probably one of his best. There were a few areas where he knew he could extend on, but he can only get better.

As he published the review into The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group!, he heard a throat clear behind him. Turning around, he quickly found out that it was his boss, Mr. Cromegas_Flare, evilly rubbing his evil hands together while holding his evil clipboard with his evil checklist and sipping his not-so-evil but very tasty Earl Gray with a lemon garnish in a styrofoam cup.

"How is my new administrator coming along," he said very evilly as an evil smirk slowly spread across his face.

Savoured Thoughts extended a yawn. "I just posted a new review. I can finally do Norris's story!"

Mr. Cromegas_Flare kept smiling; evilly. "I see," he said, this time taking not a sip, but a drunkening swig of his Earl Gray. "Yes Savoured, I should've spoken to you earlier, but you weren't promoted at that time. But now you are, so you have the right to know."

"What is it?"

Mr. Cromegas_Flare walked over to an empty spot at Savoured's desk and sat down on top of it, examining a coffee mug that said EVERY MONDAY SHOULD HAVE A DOOMSDAY GIVEAWAY. "Norris... you see... well, he's not the best critic we have here..."

"I think he's very good. He's also a great writer too! I'm only a few chapters into Dusk Falls, and I really think that this is going to be my greatest review ever!"

Mr. Cromegas_Flare extend his smirk, evilly. "Pretentious. But that's why I hired you in the first place. It's exactly what we need." he put the coffee mug down, loosened his smirk, and nodded solemnly. "Which is why I need you to take longer to write that review than usual."

Savoured's eyes widened. Take longer than usual? he thought. But I was planning to have the review out within a two week time period!

"Excuse me, Mr. Cromegas_Flare," Savoured said. "I spent months preparing for this review! Why do you suddenly want me to spend longer on it than usual?"

"Because our company lacks discipline! I took time to hire many new employees and we're still not developing enough content. To fix this, we must make one suffer, as the others watch. You will take one month off from the story, and he will contemplate about what's going on. You'll take two months off from the story, and he'll begin to ask you questions, but you won't respond. You'll take three months off, and he'll finally lose it. After that you'll take four, five, six months off! And just when you think he's suffered enough, take a seventh month off!"

Savoured was too shocked to think of what to say next. He knew it would have to be in Norris's defense, but when he opened his mouth to say something, nothing came out but an exasperated wheeze.

"Tell me Savoured, do you like being an administrator?"

Savoured nodded his head. "Yes! I very much do sir!"

Mr. Cromegas_Flare took the lemon off his once-filled with Earl Gray styrofoam cup, and handed Savoured the lemon.

"Well... it can be revoked."

He left the cubicle (evilly), leaving Savoured to contemplate over what just happened and what will happen.

Thank you for such a favorable review! But I do have a few comments on what you wrote:

How could it be the coming of the Gryphon War if the Gryphon War is happening? From what we're given in the story, there already is a war going on. Does this count as a war if that's what the author means? You can't blame me if I have this information wrong. I'm only 17; my mind hasn't fully developed yet.

That is wrong. I say coming because the war isn't happening yet. Tensions are high and the gryphons are planning an attack, certainly, but at this point the Equestrian/Gryphon border is basically the DMZ of North and South Korea, or a less civilized version of NATO and the Warsaw Pact facing off across the border that divided East and West Germany. In other words a cold war with the occasional clash or border skirmish. So I don't think that's actually an issue.

This is something that no one should do. Rated R is a movie rating, not a story rating. And seeing how the fic is already rated T and has a gore tag, it's definitely not needed.

Thought I was being polite by including content warnings, but I can remove it.

This feels like a bad start to a good story. The dialogue in this quote felt very cheesy, especially since that was the end line. I get that it adds a dramatic build-up to the character, but this build-up can be a little less pretentious. After this the story only gets better. I'm afraid I can't say much else for the fear that I might spoil something, so I'll skip ahead and instead describe what makes this story so great.

Very well. I'll see about altering the line.

A lot of it is good, a lot of it is borrowed. Throughout the story, the reader will find out that the author likes to use pieces of world-building from other fanfics. This is okay. In the chapter Bonus #2 - Gryphon Order of Battle the author takes a break from the story to explain the griffin military. In the description, he links some of the stories that were on the list. I don't have much to say about the world building, but I felt it was worth a mention.

I'm shameless. I will use stuff from stories I like, particularly ones I've helped out with like Feathered Heart, which I'd heartily recommend reading.

If I had to choose a scene in the fic that I had mixed thoughts about, it would be the Full Metal Jacket reference.

Really? That's one of my favorites. It was meant as homage. Personally, I think it serves its purpose just fine.

God I hate horse puns.

In a word, tough. I'm not using human cusswords because a) they would sound wrong coming from ponies, and b) doing it like this enables me to have them curse without cursing. I get some people don't like them, but I don't think it's wrong to use them especially given how often the show does.

Suggestions:

Write a story that's completely new. Not a clopfic, not a spinoff, just a normal story. Give the greatness of this fanfic, but keep an open mind about where to take it. Do it all by yourself too. And don't worry if you have trouble writing it. I know a few editors who can help out. There's this one, that one, oh and one that can give helpful advice along the way!

I *have* written an original story, sir. Just not on this site. There's an anthro romance novel I published a couple years back that's currently available out on Amazon. It's entirely my own work; a completely original world and characters and I'm very proud of it.

Here, however, I have a full prereading and editing crew that works with me, including another writer (Leo Archon) who occasionally contributes. I'm fully capable of writing things alone, but their presence has helped my works be better. I'm not ashamed of that fact. My writing gift isn't so much that I can write well, it's that I can incorporate and integrate the input and ideas given me by others. You're right--there are things borrowed from other works I like, like the structure of the gryphon military. But to me, I'm complimenting and paying homage to them.

Thank you for a very favorable review! It was definitely worth the wait. But if I may offer a couple suggestions for you on future reviews:

1) Don't make the review about yourself, as you did at the end here. It's bad form.
2) Don't go off on tangents like you did over the The Great Debater, which didn't really have much bearing on the review.
3) If you're giving a story a high review but feel compelled to include something you didn't quite like, include something you *did* like for balance. The author will appreciate that, and giving the readers an example of something good from the story gives them more reason to check it out.

Thanks again! Plenty more chapters to come, and I hope you continue to enjoy the ride.

5532002

That is wrong. I say coming because the war isn't happening yet. Tensions are high and the gryphons are planning an attack, certainly, but at this point the Equestrian/Gryphon border is basically the DMZ of North and South Korea, or a less civilized version of NATO and the Warsaw Pact facing off across the Elbe river that divided East and West Germany. In other words a cold war with the occasional clash or border skirmish. So I don't think that's actually an issue.

Mommy, I made an oopsy.

In a word, tough. I'm not using human cuss words because a) they would sound wrong coming from ponies, and b) doing it like this enables me to have them curse without cursing. I get some people don't like them, but I don't think it's wrong to use them especially given how often the show does.

To me, the puns killed the mood. The thing that supported the scene, though, was the creative slangs the Sergeant threw around.

I *have* written an original story, sir. Just not on this site. There's an anthro romance novel I published a couple years back that's currently available out on Amazon. It's entirely my own work; a completely original world and characters and I'm very proud of it. Here, however, I have a full prereading and editing crew that works with me. I'm fully capable of writing things alone, but their presence has helped my works be better. I'm not ashamed of that fact. My writing gift isn't so much that I can write well, it's that I can incorporate and integrate the input and ideas given me by others. You're right--there are things borrowed from other works I like, like the structure of the gryphon military. But to me, I'm complimenting and paying homage to them.

It look weird and very furry, and I'm gonna buy that shit and read it.

1) Don't make the review about yourself, as you did at the end here. It's bad form.

I do that a lot less now. Back then it was a habit, now I just post it at the end of reviews to hint at the next story I'm reviewing. I'm a heavy reader, so this will only get better.

2) Don't go off on tangents like you did over the The Great Debater, which didn't really have much bearing on the review.

I felt like it was relevant. By giving the example of why I didn't like it, it provided support on how I was comparing it to the story. Some of the paragraph though, I can see your point.

3) If you're giving a story a high review but feel compelled to include something you didn't quite like, include something you *did* like for balance. The author will appreciate that, and giving the readers an example of something good from the story gives them more reason to check it out.

I thought I did that. My #1 rule is that if I enjoy the story, be aware of the things I don't like. If I hate the story, be aware of the things I do like. It makes me look less like a snobbish critic and more of a person who's just trying to help authors blow a hole in their barriers. I think I included plenty of what I like because I mention a lot of things, such as the characterization and some of the Full Metal Saddle scene.

There was one thing I left out of the review though to save time. It was in this review that I was going to start recommending books, but I spent three days writing this and today I spent a long time adding the finishing touches. It's good I didn't because I haven't read this book, a friend has. He described some of the tactics in the book and how it's helpful in the field. The book is called Art of War, and I think it will be very helpful in the later days.

I appreciate the opinions. Most people just say, "Yeah, man, great review. It's very well-written and gives excellent points." I might have differentiating opinions and a well-written tone, but I'm very aware of my flaws. I was promoted for my last review, and I think it was one of the worst. I even thought about leaving the last part of this review out so only the author gets credit, but I like to have fun in this group, so my initial thought was, "Nah, screw it, it will be fun!" But I think this is one of my best reviews so far. The last time I reviewed a story I like didn't go so well, and now that I'm advance and actually showing some talent, I realize it's because the story was hard to follow.

I keep saying this, but I'll only get better. I plan on moving from books for pure enjoyment, to text books. Right now I'm reading something about journalism, which should do a lot to improve what I'm writing (though the book does have a lot of errors and it's persistent with adverbs).

I hope find yourself sitting in a comfortable chair somewhere on a hill. You're a talent person that can extend your work. I think I've said enough.

I'm just a bit angry that I wasn't included in the end part. It's my job just as much as it is Cromega's to make Norris have a miserable life, and I demand recognition!

5532226

5532226
5531255

5531255 I just know Firesight loved the references to Fallout Equestria! *rubs hands gleefully*

Poor fella. Yeah, I made all sorts of allusions to FoE throughout the story's production. It's a sort of good-natured joke we have between us; he knows I can't stand Xenophilia (the gold-standard of mature-rated HiE) and he can't stand FoE so we bantz each other by bringing it up! I really do think his story can be compared to FoE favorably though. And the chapter where Fell Flight goes to rescue the captured ponies from the raiders? PTSD flashback of chapter FoE chapter three!

I'm one of his very fortunate pre-readers. I'm honored to be able to help with this story in any capacity.

I do want to take issue with this line from your review. Firesight pretty well covered the others...

This is a universe where stallions are warriors and mares are maids.

Not at all. Not even close, friend. The story and the universe, like all of his works, are constructed on what I call the Xeno/G4M Standard Model: herd family structures, bodies scaled-up to match the height of an actual pony matched with the more show-accurate facial and physical characteristics like a shorter frame and diminutive muzzle, and more to the point, reversed gender roles. Though the females are smaller than the males, they vastly outnumber the males so they're not only the ruling class, as their investment is so much greater, they're largely the worker bee for the whole of Equestrian society with the stallions being the protected gender.

The Royal Guard is different. They're more of an Amazonian/Spartan class where the physical superiority of the males forms the backbone of their meritocratic warrior culture. As a way of offsetting the risk to precious male life, only those who have reared foals are allowed to join the elite unit. What makes Firefly special to the group is she was the first mare to be able to reach their standards. Everywhere else in the military, females almost entirely dominate.

I'm kind of surprised you missed that, to be quite honest.

Anyway, it's a nice review. I gave it a thumb. I like that you referenced the late-Iberian state of Aragon. Just for you, I'll annex it peacefully instead of conquering it brutally on Europa Universalis IV.

Long live Catalonia!

5533640 I'm very well aware of that error, but that line slipped through the editing procedure. I noticed the different factions and all the mares in it.

Well then... (shrug)

One more question, what is meant by "Deify the narration"?