[REVIEW]The Chance of a Lifetime by PortalJumper

Hey, people. NorrisThePony here, with another review, this time of The Chance of a Lifetime by PortalJumper.

It all started as a dress commission for the Royal Sisters, but now Rarity has found herself in the unique position of helping Princess Luna become a proper mare before a very important political summit, both for the future of Equestria on the world stage and for Luna personally. Can she help the Regent of the Moon, or will she irreparably damage Equestria's standing?

I picked this story because I figured Luna and Rarity would have some interesting chemistry that would be entertaining to read, with a fair bit of Drama thrown in for good measure.

Well, without any further ado, let's get reading!

PLOT

The story opens up and we're immediately shown a typical day for Rarity at Canterlot Boutique, when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna arrive to peruse her wares. In private Luna asks Rarity for help adjusting into modern Equestrian society, since an important upcoming event requires her to make a very good impression.

Off the bat I think it's an interesting idea, and a perfectly plausible set up for Rarity and Luna's interactions.

It's pretty early to judge the entire story so far, but I found the story to be somewhat… ah… meandering in places. I honestly feel like chapters 2 and 3 could have either been trimmed down or compiled together, because they really spread the story out more than I felt was entirely necessary. Despite being proposed as the focus, we don't see Luna and Rarity actually interact until much later in the story, and it's divided by an extensive segment of Rarity speaking with Twilight and Sweetie Belle that I honestly felt could have been shorter and still retained all its efficiency.

There was also a scene with Celestia and Luna in chapter four that, despite being very well presented, had me questioning its necessity in the fic. I understand that Luna's psychological state and feelings of isolation form the basis of the story, but the scene was not exactly unique enough to really wow me. I perhaps would have preferred if Luna would have been having the conversation with Rarity instead. As it stands, it's really something I've seen countless times before.

(Again, I feel I should reiterate that I'm judging an incomplete story based on its first steps, so most of my criticisms will probably be disproved as the aforementioned scenes become relevant later on).

CHARACTERS

Right off the bat the first thing that struck me was Sassy Saddle's characterization. I wasn't expecting her, and it took me by surprise. In a good way. It was a nice little look into her character several months after the events of Canterlot Boutique (one of the most underrated episodes of the show by the way).

Anyways, Rarity was in character as well. I know from experience that her dialogue can sometimes be a pain, but it was done well here. Can't think of anything to complain about.

Sweetie Belle kinda struck me as acting a little too old compared to her show counterpart. When she out of the blue goes:

"You're the one that asked. Do you wanna talk about this?"

I couldn't help but feel that it would have perhaps flowed better if worded differently. She kinda flips between speaking in very well considered sentences, and then speaking like a filly her age, with no real transition. It was sometimes a teeny bit jarring.

Rarity and Luna's interactions were very entertaining to read, even if I was a little disappointed by the small amount provided.

However, I found it ironic how Rarity's final judgement of Luna's little quirks played out when compared to the canon episode addressing the exact same thing. The show's message was basically “be yourself and your friends will accept you” whereas the message I took away here was “you are introverted, sarcastic, and excessively prideful, and these are all problems that need to be ironed out if you expect ponies to like you.” I'm not saying one message is right or the other is wrong, merely that I think Rarity came across as a tad too harsh in what she said. Luna wasn't presented as nearly deserving of the judgement she received in my humble opinion.

Mind you, that's coming from someone who is introverted, sarcastic, and excessively prideful.

I also really liked the names conceived for the other alicorns that were not Celestia and Luna. I really look forward to seeing them in the story.

GRAMMAR AND MECHANICS

Grammatically fine, nothing to report.

The writing was sometimes rather tell-y, though. It was always plain as day when a moment was meant to be delivering some information in a very expository fashion, and as a result was sometimes a little grating. The same could be said about the dialogue. For example:

"Well, that's why I'm thankful I had Celestia. She was such a firm bastion of kindness and friendship, I relied on her almost as much as I did on our caretakers."

This doesn't exactly come across as a sentence someone would casually speak to a pony they aren't even acquainted with.

I already mentioned my remarks regarding the pacing, and how sometimes I felt like segments were a little needlessly drawn out. Sweetie Belle's scene was cute and nice, but I think it kind of lost its impact when it started drawing close to the 2,000 word mark. Similarly, a whole chapter devoted to Rarity borrowing a book from Twilight could easily have been compiled into a thousand words and retained most of the information presented.

Ultimately I would not be noting these problems had they not been a little surprising to me—and trust me, I've made the same mistake myself. The description implied one thing (interactions between Luna and Rarity) and while we did get them (a little) it took quite a while for it to happen and was separated by material I feel could have been more streamlined.

IMPACT AND ORIGINALITY

I dunno. It's incomplete at 10,000 words. Guess it depends on how Rarity and Luna's future interactions go.

CONCLUSION AND FINAL THOUGHTS

Grammar and Writing: Gramatically fine, but some pretty heavy expository language/dialogue.

---

Originality and Impact: I earnestly do not know.

---

Plot, Characters: Interesting set up for a story. I don't often see Rarity and Luna teamed together, and I liked how their interactions went. If that's what the future of this story is, then I think it scores well in the character category.

FINAL SCORE: Enjoyable

Thank you, PortalJumper, for submitting your story, and I bid you adieu!