Hey everyone! Kestrel here, comin' back to you with another review. Hmm... Three Words? It seems like I just got lazier or something... The last story I chose to review was A Thousand Words. Just an observation.

A word of warning: this review will contain some spoilers, which will be marked with the spoiler tag.

Three Words: a drama/slice of life story. (Wait, that was four or five.)

Without any further ado, let's get into this piece!

As usual, we'll start with the plot, because that's what we all read stories for. Our story follows second-best pop singer Sapphire Shores (she totally got dumped on in Mane Attraction ) as she goes on tour around Equestria. Along the way, we learn that she's been running away from something. It turns out that she's got a few past regrets she's been avoiding.

Eventually, Sapphire realizes that she has to face up to her mistakes.

It's a fairly standard plot, but effective nonetheless. My favorite part of the story was a very cool dream scene (I seem to really like these in all the stories I read for reviews). Luna was in it too, so that's a thing.

Grammar/Formatting: Grammatically, the piece is very sound and accurate. My rub with the work lies in the fact that there are just too many words italicized, which becomes a particular problem in chapter two, where a character writes a letter, which is properly italicized, but the author also used a liberal amount of onomatopoeias and had several of these sounds written in italics while the letter was the attention, not only pulling the reader away from the importance of the letter to hear a repeating "beep beep beep," but also by construction making it seem like it was something written in the letter. The onomatopoeias also become less effective the more you use them, like using too many ellipses or exclamation marks.

World Building: While the world was described in some detail, it really could have been fleshed out a bit more. However, the real strength of the story lies in the action between characters and the descriptions of the characters, rather than the world around them, much like a headshot painting. It's about the muse, not the world around it.

Pacing: I personally thought that the second chapter covered a bit of the same territory that the first did, and was therefore a little slow, but once I got past that one little thing, the work moved along very well, and even though the third chapter is roughly three times as long as the others, it didn't seem to take that long.

Point of View: The story is written in first person view between two leads: Sapphire Shores and her mother. While in each pony's perspective, the writing is great and I really get a good look at their minds and what's going on. However, in the second chapter, it did take a little while to figure out that the reference character had been changed. It changes twice in that chapter and it took me a few lines in during each scene to figure out that it wasn't who I thought it was.

Show/Tell: Altogether, pretty good, the only quip I have to say goes back to the onomatopoeia thing. One or two onomatopoeias are effective, especially if they're used for a dynamic action. But otherwise, just showing us what's happening with the sound, like saying that the beeping of the machine provided the only music in the room or something to that effect would be more effective.

I've managed to choose another story that has good character development, which is good.

Sapphire Shores goes through quite an emotional journey through this story. She even starts with a nice little scene that shows her going through her pre-show jitters and how to banish them and put on a good performance. It was really cool to see that, and it's true to life. Even celebrities aren't always prepared for what they do.

Now her transition is what's really nice. She starts off as this bitter pony who has a particular chip on her shoulder toward her mother. This causes strain between the two, obviously, but also begins to wear on Sapphire's manager: Showstopper, who has been by Sapphire's side for a long time running. The two also have a budding romance, but that's not touched on that much since it's about Sapphire's relationship with her mother.

By the end of the story (and a trip down memory lane), Sapphire reaches a very rewarding catharsis and learns just what she missed, especially after her emotional gut punch of figuring out that she was too late to make up.

Despite having expected to see a lot of things like this on fimfiction, I haven't, which is a good thing. And it's always a treat to see a minor character get some more fleshing out than the show gives them Though I do feel that the story would have been stronger and more original had the author not used death as a factor in the story, because while it is powerful, that is a common sort of trope I do see a lot of time to drive that catharsis I talked about earlier. I also think it would have fit in a little bit better with the MLP universe. But that's just me.

This story did leave me with a bittersweet tinge in my mind when I finished, which is always nice to have. I enjoy the melancholy and not-quite-happy endings that are realistic, even though I did gripe about it a little earlier. The story didn't break any new ground, but I thought that this was a very nice backstory for a minor character, one that I actually like very much.

I thought that this was a good story. It doesn't stand apart from other stories, but it was certainly a good read. I'll point out the dream sequence in chapter 3 again, as I really liked that part The author could use a little work on their constructions and POV shifts in my opinion, but it was still an easy read.

Plot: Strong and suitably tied up at the end. Just one point that was retread that I didn't want to see. 18/20
Mechanics: Somewhat of an Achilles' heel for this story for me. There were a few things that keep this story from having a higher standing in the rating system. 15/20
Characterization: Well done. Seeing Sapphire's change was a fun thing to behold, and I felt that the character received some real growth by the end of the story. 20/20
Originality: Ultimately a fairly unique story, though it contained points that are commonplace in many other kinds of stories. 17/20
Impact: It was a good read went to an appropriate conclusion. I had a good time, but I think that there have been stories that have left more of an impression. 18/20

Thanks for the story submission! Here's hoping this helps you improve even further, Noble Thought.

Unfortunately, I probably won't be cranking out any more reviews until after finals, sorry everyone!

4899955 Smokin' these reviews like a fat joint.

4899955

Thank you for the review!

I kinda knew going into this that the second chapter perspective shift would be a bit jarring. It was, honestly, meant to be. But it's not actually a perspective shift... sort of. We're still in Sapphire's head, but it's her mother's dream taking root and overriding Sapphire's mind, which is the cause of the migraine in the second chapter, and is actually explained as such in the story, and is the reason why Luna is there in the first place.

The onomatopoeia was meant to mark time within the perspective shift, and provide a link from the invasive dream and the dreamscape with Luna. Three paragraphs, three beeps. Three paragraphs, two beeps - a pause, a beat, and the third after, marking a stutter. It was also meant, not as a bit of music, but as an ever present reminder of time ticking away. Something that would have haunted Distant Shores in her last moments. It was a deliberate stylistic choice, as was the second chapter perspective shift.

I was on a word economy binge at the time, and tried telling parts of a story using nonstandard narrative methods like the false perspective shift and the onomatopoeia to pull as much as I could from as few words as I could. I feel like that part of the experiment was kinda hit or miss, and probably mostly miss from a word economy standpoint. But it was a phase, and I think I'm heading back towards a more descriptive style like I've used in other stories in the past. Working against me, too, was the fact that the original version of this story was conceived, written, and entered into a contest in the course of about three hours. Whee! Binge writing!

The choice of death was actually deliberately intended to upset the common trope of the 'Redemption/benediction/forgiveness at the last moment' that's more common, by far, than its mirror counterpart. I thought it would be more powerful if Sapphire had to find the means to face her past within herself, instead of receiving benediction from her mother.

Because, let's face it, you don't always get another chance. And that was kinda the point of the whole story. So you have to hold on to what you have, and treasure it all the more. That was the real thing I wanted to have Sapphire come to understand, and Showstopper played a key role there, in the second and fourth chapters.

4899955 Thanks Kestrel

4900014

I see, so it was a stylistic choice, while I won't change my review, because I feel that's how other people would see it since I don't think it was really easy to deduce, I will say that it makes sense.

However, I will still stand on my soap box and say that the italicizing of the beeps in the letter was weird because it would make it seem like Distant Shores was writing it into her letter.

Dear My Jewel
Beep Beep...

I don't think that's what you were going for xD

All in all, it was still a good story and I'm ultimately glad I read it :)

4900106

Fair enough. I wasn't trying to get you to change the review, only to explain my choices in the writing. I did, however, take to heart your suggestion regarding the italics and changed the letter to appear in quote boxes. They appear quite differently in stories, and actually look somewhat stylish, and I think work a little better at presenting something as being written on a page.

4900300

Mhm! I've seen it done before too. It actually works pretty nicely. I personally do prefer italics, but when you have multiple things for the italics to be used for in the same passage, what can you do?